To ask for resilience help for a 4 year old?

[notsobumpy]

Any tips on making a very shy and quiet 4 year old more resilient?
She’s the youngest in her reception class and academically is doing great, one of the top in the class, as they are grouped for phonics and numeracy.
Socially and emotionally though I worry about her.
She cries quite often over things and won’t tell the teacher why she’s so upset.
It’s things like -
Her friend said she wasn’t invited to her birthday party.
The teacher put her in the wrong queue at lunch time so she ended up in the packed lunch queue with no packed lunch.
She went with the wrong group when they were split up for phonics by accident and was hysterical thinking she would get told off.
She’s so young still and she just clams up when the teachers ask why she is crying but she’ll tell me eventually when we get home and have a quiet sit down.
What tips and tricks do people have to build confidence in a 4 year old and to get them to express their feelings?
I did explain to her that she should have just said to the teacher “you’ve put me in the wrong queue for lunch” but she’s not got the confidence to say this and just crumbles instead.
She does ballet, gymnastics, swimming and football out of school so I’m trying to get her used to new environments and meeting and talking to lots of new people but I’m at a loss re school.

Maybe swap one of her current activities for drama? I definitely noticed a difference when my DC started.

Also this might sound silly but if I make a mistake I try and make it 'visible' to my DC so they see everyone gets things wrong sometimes.

I don't have any advice, but my 5yo sounds quite similar. I would love some advice too.

Would you consider taking her to a therapist? Could be that she can't identify her feelings and so substitutes one that she can express (sad) instead.

I did wonder about drama or singing perhaps.
As with her other activities she doesn’t actually need to talk to anyone! She does have conversations with other children there, but won’t really talk to the adults unless it’s a one word answer.
She’s very worried about making mistakes, so perhaps I’ll make my mistakes more obvious.
To be fair she’s a bit like it at home, and if she spills a drink she’ll panic and cry in case I tell her off (I’m not an ogre honestly and don’t usually tell her off for things like that)
I just worry she’s setting the bar very high for herself.

I’m not sure she needs a therapist necessarily as she’ll speak to me about her feelings and why she’s been upset.
I think she just needs the confidence to tell other adults and not clam up when she can’t give a yes or no answer.
Surprisingly her speech and vocabulary is actually very good at home and she talked very early. She just won’t talk to adults at school or after school activities.

She’s so very little, I can understand why she does what she does
Maybe you could practise at home where you pretend she’s in say the wrong queue
Not sure if it’s too specific to transfer to new situations but at least the building blocks are there

My eldest was a bit like that. "We don't get cross about accidents!" said in a cheery voice which is difficult sometimes! is the mantra in our house if something spills, etc.

If I make a mistake like drop something or forget something it's "oh silly mummy! Nevermind we all make mistakes sometimes!", etc.

I'm probably not explaining myself very well but I find it did help DC1.

That’s a good idea. Perhaps we can do role play a little bit and give examples of how she can tell an adult if something has upset her.
Maybe we could come up with a few stock phrases like
“I’m sad because...”
“I’m worried because...”
“This made me feel...”
And just hope that she transfers it to other scenarios!

Yes definitely
Even if she can start that sentence she’s doing well because if she can’t finish an adult will encourage her to continue

That's a lot of activities for a 4 year old. My son's school prefers reception children not to do activities as getting to grips with school is enough.

I do worry that I maybe don’t help situations sometimes as accidents with drinks when she’s been careless do frustrate me sometimes!
Especially when she wants hot chocolate before bed whilst sat on our brand new cream carpet. I do pop a couple of bath towels down each night that she’s just used for her bath in case of spillages!

Try role playing where she gets to be in a position of authority. Is there anything she likes doing? If so, get her doing it with more responsibility (ie, if she like painting, she gets to do the clean up and or teach you how to do it).
Also more responsibility at home (ie, her job laying the table. Don't tell her off if she gets it wrong, just show her 'another way of doing it'. ).
Occasionally do things wrong so she can 'tell you off' and she'll see it's not a terrible thing, but anyone can make a mistake. (Can be silly things to start with to make her relaxed about telling you off).
It's slow & gradual, but it helped my DS so much.

Sorry, by the time I'd typed, thread moved on!
If she has hot chocolate in the same place, buy a cheap rug instead. Will make her feel more trusted then towels going down

She’s pretty bossy at home and will play shop keeper and serve me and her dad when we come to her shop and she definitely doesn’t struggle telling me or her dad when she’s upset or angry or something is unfair.
It’s just the talking to adults at school.
She’d rather cry and sit in the hall with no packed lunch than say “I’m school dinners today”!

She's only 4. Pretty normal to have a low resilience threshold as one of youngest in class unless socially unaware reprobate. Things that help mine are making sure to make time to ask her about her day and acknowledging rather than belittling her worries.

Sounds like quite a lot of extra activities for a 4 year old on top of school. Everything makes them more upset and if she is socially anxious pushing more and more social interaction with lots of new activities and people is going to make her worse not better.

For reference my DD2 was young for her year and cried on the way in for most of term 1. Half hour rages and tantrums most days for most of first year at school. What helped was a bit of "being on her side" and not pushing and just leaving her to her own devices to unwind a bit after school. She is now 16 and by far the most outgoing and socially confident of my 3.

.... should read everything makes them more upset if tired and over scheduled.

Could you do bit of role play with her toys? Set up the "classroom" and then encourage pupils to speak up? e.g., "What's that, teddy? You're in the packed lunch queue by mistake? Oh sorry, I made a mistake. Let's put you in the proper line straight away!"
"I think dolly should be in the other group for phonics. Let me check my list". She probably panics when she feels things aren't right but doesn't feel brave enough to challenge authority, and sticking up for yourself politely but assertively is a subtle skill....
Show her that the sky won't fall in if she speaks up!

Definitely model how you overcome problems at home, and I can recommend Matt Haig's new book 'The Truth Fairy'. Great for helping young children explore their feelings.

It is a lot of activities after school, but it’s things she’s done since she was 2 or 3 and really doesn’t want to stop doing.
Plus there are children there that she’s known since she was born who ended up in different schools so she loves still being able to see her old friends weekly.
She sleeps 7-7 each night and we laze around most of the weekend. Her activities are term time only too. Also she used to do 4 days a week at preschool and still do these after school activities so it’s nothing new, although I appreciate school is more tiring.

Love the idea of playing schools with her toys and pretending to talk to the teacher too. That would be right up her street!

I also think it’s pretty normal for her to do this
Someone should really be able to work out why she’s not eating
But them great if she can say something

This might sound a wee bit OTT but my similar DD is 7 now and all caught up. She just couldn't find the words when she felt overwhelmed and she still hates drawing attention to herself. We made a little notebook for her, with the teacher involved as she'd raised the issue. It had a page saying "can I please go to the toilet," another said "there's been a mistake" "I've lost something" and a few specific, recurrent issues. Each with a wee picture she'd chosen to represent it.

She found it easier to hand the teacher her notebook than to speak up. The teacher could then ask specific questions (or send her to the toilet), she could cope with being asked what she'd lost if asked directly but asked "what's wrong," just seemed too much.

I would say she needs less responsibility not more. You as an adult know hot chocolate and cream furniture don't mix so just say "NO" and make the decision for her - she can still have it at the kitchen table or somewhere else more appropriate.

Does her school have a resilience programme as ours does? They have a really cool emoticon map for circle time.

My DD3 started P3 with my hand print (with personal embellishments) in her book bag for a virtual hand hold.

All suggestions on dealing with a 7 year old perfectly happy at being uninvited from a B'day party gratefully received. Doesn't help that her big sisters think this is hysterical as it is the go to manipulative weapon of choice among budding "Queen Bees" jostling for courtiers.

I should say this solution was child led by the teacher. She asked DD what she could suggest, how they could fix the problem together... is x too scary, what about y?

Maybe ask your DD, when it's all calm and away from school, what she thinks would help. When my DD started P2, the first day she said "I don't need my notebook any more," and it was fine.

I like that Letssplash
Having a tool to help can be great
Even adults use tools sometimes