To ask for resilience help for a 4 year old?

[notsobumpy]

Any tips on making a very shy and quiet 4 year old more resilient?
She’s the youngest in her reception class and academically is doing great, one of the top in the class, as they are grouped for phonics and numeracy.
Socially and emotionally though I worry about her.
She cries quite often over things and won’t tell the teacher why she’s so upset.
It’s things like -
Her friend said she wasn’t invited to her birthday party.
The teacher put her in the wrong queue at lunch time so she ended up in the packed lunch queue with no packed lunch.
She went with the wrong group when they were split up for phonics by accident and was hysterical thinking she would get told off.
She’s so young still and she just clams up when the teachers ask why she is crying but she’ll tell me eventually when we get home and have a quiet sit down.
What tips and tricks do people have to build confidence in a 4 year old and to get them to express their feelings?
I did explain to her that she should have just said to the teacher “you’ve put me in the wrong queue for lunch” but she’s not got the confidence to say this and just crumbles instead.
She does ballet, gymnastics, swimming and football out of school so I’m trying to get her used to new environments and meeting and talking to lots of new people but I’m at a loss re school.

I could have written this post about my ds 10 years ago. He was quite an anxious little boy and a perfectionist to boot! He hated speaking to his teachers about anything and I spent a lot of time in the car before school trying to psych him up! He worried about everything! We did lots of role plays, practising what he was going to say, persevered with encouraging him to speak to teacher himself and taught him relaxation exercises ( just simple breathing in and out). At times I worried that he’d never speak up for himself, however gradually he gained confidence and is now happy to stand up for himself and speak to teachers/adults.

He’s nearly 14 and thriving in his secondary school ( he only knew 1 person when he went there). Ds will always be one of the quieter boys in his class but that’s his personality.

Love that idea letssplash, wish I’d thought of that with my ds.

Does she get much practice talking to unfamiliar adults? If not try encouraging her to ask for things and hand over money in a shop, pay the bus driver etc .

I do try to get her to pay which she loves doing. She will say thank you and bye when I ask her to, but won’t volunteer anymore conversation. Although she does not stop talking at home.

Is she tired? She’s just started school and she’s doing four after school activities. My DC1 has to drop down to one the first year he started school, he was just really tired and more emotional.

There’s a lovely book called something like the Big Bag of Worries by Virginia Ironside, it really helped my DD feeling more confident in opening up about what worries her. Maybe chat to her teacher as they may have other suggestions of other tools for you to use to support your daughter. She’ll get there x

This was my dd in reception - I think as she was an only and done martial arts since she was very little - she took instructions very literally and didn't feel she could speak up if an authority figure was giving a command. We found out when she got very upset one night eventually and told us that they gave juice at lunch and she doesn't like it and drinks water but felt she had to drink the orange juice/ being naughty. We spoke to the teacher and they were brilliant - the HT came and sat down with the class and told them they were welcome to speak up and say if they were uncomfortable and to say if they were being asked to do something they were not comfortable with - basically giving agency to say no. She thrived post that once in her view she had the ok to say no. It wouldn't have worked for us to say that (we had) she needed it from the people in the room. Couldn't have been more pleased with how the school handled - we thought she'd just get a glass of water - instead they taught her something much huger.

My eldest was very much the same, she started dance which she absolutely adores and does well at. She feels accomplished and much more confident, she has a group of lovely friends of all ages that she shares this common interest with. She's learnt more recently to take criticism and use it to improve.

Play games!!!

Games with a quick turn/game structure (so you dont becone overinvested) and where you go from winning to losing and back again really quickly. Good games for this are things like pass the pigs, jenga (if no coordination issues) buckaroo and any simple frustration/sorry/pop and hop/other Ludo varient.

During the game you can role model all the "oh well try again" "Maybe next time, shall we play again" "look your suddenly winning, thank goodness you didn't give up".

Extend then to games with a longer game structure

Oh gosh yes she doesn’t like losing at games.
We have to play repeatedly until she wins a round!
She’s getting lots of new games for Christmas so we can try more often.
Even if she’s drawing and does something wrong or cuts the wrong bit with scissors she’ll get really upset.

Ds was / is like that

Give her a structure to losing. Overdo it at the start shake hands good game winner says well played. It draws a line under it. (Even if they then go away and throw a tantrum after). If she goes and throws a tantrum before this, wait patiently until she does. You don't move onto the next activity (including cooking dinner if food is motivating) until it happens

One game only for a while. Emphasis that at the start. Stick to it. Short games with high chance factor. OR Coop games where you all win or lose together e.g. forbidden Island (I'm not usually a fan but it is good for this)

Games really are fab for building resilience

Gah also aqua draws (the ones you colour over with water and reveal the picture so you can't go wrong) or etch a sketch. Hide the scissors and pencils for a bit.

You say you have a stack of new games. Beware any games that are overlong, actively involve someone else doing something bad to something you are creating or collecting, or involve you collecting stuff and the dice throw or board game doing something to the stuff you have collected or junior monopoly although that one is harder to explain why

Monopoly is a tense game for many! Including adults

How do you even find out your child is top of the class. I see this written a lot.

genuine question does the teacher actually just come out with your child is top or bottom of the class at parents evening or school pick up time etc

It’s mostly orchard games we’ve got.
Just snap, lotto, pigs in blankets?
They don’t tend to last too long.

No, we had parents evening and they said your child is in red group for phonics (6 children per group), we weren’t going to start doing reading books with the children until after christmas, but we feel that red group are ready to begin reading early due to their knowledge of phonics.

In our nursery they had a puppet called Mr Clown and he would have situations and need help and the children would discuss what to do to help him. Same kind of idea as role play but a step removed so a bit easier to think of ways to help someone else's situation eg Mr Clown is going to be leaving nursery soon and starting reception - he's a bit worried what can we say to help him etc.

If she’s the youngest in her class I presume she’s summer born?

If so she’s not at compulsory school aged until next September. Personally I’d pull her out and reapply for a reception place for the next academic year. The Facebook group “flexible admissions for summer borns” will help you if you need help

I’m not inclined to take her out, because academically she is absolutely loving it.
She is so so keen to read and write and do sums. We spend all weekend with her asking me to set her tasks like spell words, or write pretend cards to people or do sums.
Yes she’s end of July birthday.
And she’s so proud to show everyone her writing and how she can read books (family not other adults!)
I think taking her out for a year would upset her.
She is literally thriving in everything. Even physical things like pe and dressing herself, reading, writing, numbers.
It’s just the confidence and speaking out she struggles with.