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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExH nasty to DD - struggling to stay out of it...

40 replies

purplelass · 16/11/2018 11:40

Short background bit - DD is 15 and lives with me. Her dad moved in with the woman he was having an affair with 3 years ago which made DD very angry with him. Their relationship has slowly improved over time and she now spends every other Saturday night & half of Sunday with them.

As she's a busy teenager she plans stuff for the other weekends and when he changed the weekend he could have her because of work commitments it clashed with an important event for her. She called him to say she understood it's not his fault but this event was booked before he changed the weekends and before she even finished explaining he was shouting and swearing at her (she was on speaker so I heard the whole thing).

She was quite calm and told him that he shouldn't be shouting and swearing at her for something which isn't anyone's fault and told him she was going to end the conversation if he didn't stop. He did calm down a bit but went on about how it wasn't fair on him. She patiently let him rant on a bit more and they sorted an alternative date and she told him off again for how he shouted and swore at her. He then ended the call and the poor girl burst into tears of anger.

I think she handled the whole thing incredibly well and maturely (unlike her dad) and told me I didn't need to get involved but I just feel that if anyone else treated her like that I'd rip them to bits so should it be any different for her dad? I know she'll be fine when she's there as she's very close with his girlfriend who will look out for DD (she's already texted to apologise for her dad's behaviour).

WWYD? Respect DD's wishes and stay out of it? Or say something? If so what?

OP posts:

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 16/11/2018 11:44

Staying out of it will benefit dd as her df will become assured all decision making is coming from her and not you.
He needs to be careful or she will find herself busy a lot more imo.

Hadalifeonce · 16/11/2018 11:46

I think your DD is amazing. She handled a difficult situation with such maturity I am in awe of her. I completely understand where you are coming from, but you just need to have her back, and be there for her if she needs it.

IJustLostTheGame · 16/11/2018 11:48

To be honest I don't think standing back and letting him shout and swear at your dd is helping.
I would have intervened at that point and said she will call back once he's calmed down.
I appreciate things are fraught and there's anger but you need to have your dd's back.
My dsd has anxiety now and its due to an ex verbally abusive and controlling step dad. I wish we had intervened more now. But at the time we thought it would escalate matters.

Booboostwo · 16/11/2018 11:49

Well done to your DD, sounds like she handled it brilliantly. Sadly she is learning that her dad is an arsehole. It’s a tough lesson but in a way it’s good for her to see him for what he is. Stay out of it unless she asks for help.

Original poster

purplelass · 16/11/2018 11:51

To be honest I don't think standing back and letting him shout and swear at your dd is helping.
I would have intervened at that point and said she will call back once he's calmed down

He wasn't supposed to know I was listening. I did put my hand out for the phone but DD didn't want me to get involved. We had a long chat after though, and lots of cuddles.

OP posts:

Original poster

purplelass · 16/11/2018 11:52

Sadly she is learning that her dad is an arsehole.

Funnily enough, that's exactly what she called him too

OP posts:

Jackshouse · 16/11/2018 11:52

I would be talking to her about bounderies and asking her if she wants to go to see her Dad.

Even if the girl friend is nice she is still a child who is being emotional abused by a parent.

Pickupthephone · 16/11/2018 11:58

I think you did the right thing. She handled a situation many people twice her age would have struggled with. You must be really proud of her.

Original poster

purplelass · 16/11/2018 11:59

I would be talking to her about bounderies and asking her if she wants to go to see her Dad

I have always encouraged her, never forced her, to see her dad just coz he's her dad. I'll take this opportunity to remind her that the ball's in her court now and she can decide not to go if she wants - thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

purplelass · 16/11/2018 12:00

To take a positive from this, the way she handled the situation reminded me what an amazing girl I'm raising - she's awesome

OP posts:

NameChange457 · 16/11/2018 12:25

First off she did handle it amazingly - much better than I would, so make sure you tell her how awesome she is.

But, though it’s a difficult one, I’d respect her wishes. If you don’t she may feel in the future she can’t even tell you about problems with her Dad which’ll mean she really does have to deal with it all on her own. As it is she knows you have her back, she can talk to you about it and if she wants you to you absolutely will wade in and defend her.

But i’d also have another chat about it in a day or two, once you’ve both had a chance to process the incident and see if she still feels the same/ make sure she knows that if she ever changes her mind and wants you to get involved she only needs to say so

Aridane · 16/11/2018 12:26

Why did she have the phone on speaker - was is for your benefit?

Well done to your duaghter for her calmness!

mydietstartsmonday · 16/11/2018 12:29

I would respect her wishes and yes you are raising an awesome young woman

Hissy · 16/11/2018 12:33

my god that kid has more about her than many of us 3x her age!

You HAVE done a good job there love

I would let things calm down and focus on her tbh, he is not worth it and he has what's coming to him further down the line when she gives up on him completely and won't be bothered with him at all

purpleworms · 16/11/2018 12:35

She sounds like a credit to you OP

twoshedsjackson · 16/11/2018 12:41

Your daughter is a credit to you, and most of all, herself! Somehow, she has learned to handle a difficult conversation with common sense and maturity, in a situation which would have floored many a grown woman! She obviously has a good role model!
Just congratulate her, remind her that you have her back if she needs support, and respect her independence and courage!
I wonder if the day is far off when her father realises that no less than three women have seen through him? Sounds as if the new partner is about to join the team......

ladycarlotta · 16/11/2018 12:42

Great kid. I would just praise her for handling it well, and let her know that you are there to intercede if needed. Don't this time. She did great on her own.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 16/11/2018 12:44

She sounds a fabulous young woman. Well done her.

Brakebackcyclebot · 16/11/2018 12:45

She sounds brilliant, you've obviously modelled calmness well!

I would stay out of it, other than to let DD know that you're there to talk to, and I would definitely let her know how well I thought she handled the conversation.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 16/11/2018 13:00

I hope you're super proud of her and you for being so amazing!

It won't take her long to work him out if he continues to talk to her like that.

ChaosMoon · 16/11/2018 13:02

Your daughter is awesome and you have patented her well.

I get why you want to, but I agree with pp who said not to wade in. She was able to handle it that we'll because she had the confidence to know she was in the right, and that you had her back. If you speak to him when she's asked you not to, you're undermining her. And that could hinder her being able to handle it in future if you aren't there.

Let her enjoy the moral high ground, it's good for her. And once he's had time to reflect, being told of by his 15 year old daughter will be far more effective than being told off by his ex.

RosieStarr · 16/11/2018 13:05

Your daughter handled it all very well, good on her.

My mother used to pull this stuff on me, and my dad used to offer to step in. He didn’t, at my request, and it helped me to learn how to deal with her in the future. It was helpful to be able to discuss it later and have my dad being a calming influence - without that I think it would have felt like just one huge family argument. Also, when it came to arguments over contact in family court, it helped to be able to say this was just an issue between me and my mother, and my dad had nothing to do with it.

I hope her father realises he’s being ridiculous and sorts things out with your daughter.

Loopytiles · 16/11/2018 13:10

Agree with PPs that she handled it really well. You have offered support and been guided by DD.

Was this a one off, or is her dad often an arse (to DD, or to you or his girlfriend?) If the latter, I might discuss with DD that his behaviour is unacceptable, keep an eye on how she is affected, and would enable but wouldn’t actively encourage such frequent contact.

It’s not good at all that he hasn’t apologised to DD.

diddl · 16/11/2018 13:19

" I know she'll be fine when she's there as she's very close with his girlfriend who will look out for DD (she's already texted to apologise for her dad's behaviour)."

The girlfriend has apologised to your daughter for her dad's behaviour?

Tbh I think it's a shame that your daughter didn't tell her dad to fuck off.

But no, he shouts & swears & she still arranges to see him.

Why would the GF need to look out for her?

Aeroflotgirl · 16/11/2018 13:19

What an arsehole, your dd is handling this amazingly well. She is so much more mature than her abusive arse for a dad. She is seeing him for who he is. Do from time to time,tell her that it is up to her to see him if she wants.

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