ExH nasty to DD - struggling to stay out of it...

[purplelass]

Short background bit - DD is 15 and lives with me. Her dad moved in with the woman he was having an affair with 3 years ago which made DD very angry with him. Their relationship has slowly improved over time and she now spends every other Saturday night & half of Sunday with them.

As she's a busy teenager she plans stuff for the other weekends and when he changed the weekend he could have her because of work commitments it clashed with an important event for her. She called him to say she understood it's not his fault but this event was booked before he changed the weekends and before she even finished explaining he was shouting and swearing at her (she was on speaker so I heard the whole thing).

She was quite calm and told him that he shouldn't be shouting and swearing at her for something which isn't anyone's fault and told him she was going to end the conversation if he didn't stop. He did calm down a bit but went on about how it wasn't fair on him. She patiently let him rant on a bit more and they sorted an alternative date and she told him off again for how he shouted and swore at her. He then ended the call and the poor girl burst into tears of anger.

I think she handled the whole thing incredibly well and maturely (unlike her dad) and told me I didn't need to get involved but I just feel that if anyone else treated her like that I'd rip them to bits so should it be any different for her dad? I know she'll be fine when she's there as she's very close with his girlfriend who will look out for DD (she's already texted to apologise for her dad's behaviour).

WWYD? Respect DD's wishes and stay out of it? Or say something? If so what?

I just feel that if anyone else treated her like that I'd rip them to bits

I totally get why you feel like this but actually at 15 its great that she's capable of fighting her own battles with anyone. If she had an issue with a teacher or a manager at a part time job and can handle it herself that's a crucial life skill to develop. She's not far off adulthood and while you'll always want to fight for her she will cope so much better with all sorts of challenges of she can stand up for herself and her needs.

Its also probably a testament to your parenting that she can handle it calmly because she clearly didn't learn from her dad.

I agree that its shit that her own dad is turning out to be a challenging arsehole that she had to handle.

Another one for staying out of it. She handled it superbly, made her point, told him off, calmed him down. You've talked it through, cuddled her - now just leave her to continue to handle it, knowing as she does that you have her back and she has his gf's support as well.

So he shouts and swears at her, but she still goes to see him and his girlfriend is smoothing things over? I’m honestly not sure that’s a very healthy lesson for her to learn about relationships......

I agree Bertrand

Females smoothing over/putting up & a male acts as he wants

I taught her that when someone treats you like that you walk away, and when she makes the same decision for herself then I'll support her.

You have raised a strong young woman and should be very proud OP. Sounds like she has everything under control tbh. Only step in if she asks you to. Her dad sounds like a tosspot.

“I taught her that when someone treats you like that you walk away, and when she makes the same decision for herself then I'll support her.”

Fair enough. But have in the back of your mind that she is going back to the person who verbally abused her, and another woman is smoothing things down and appeasing him. That is not a healthy dynamic.

I totally agree with Bertrand, maybe have a chat with her about healthy relationships and buy her the book, that is recommended often on here Why does he do that! so she can get an insight, that may better help her to make a healthy decision for her life.

Thanks, I'll have a look for the book.

Luckily she's got a boyfriend who treats her like an absolute princess and his dad has raised him to respect women, hopefully this will last or at least set a high standard for future relationships

Oh, purplelass-I feel as if I'm going on- but when you say he "treats her like a princess" do you mean he treats her like an equal?

Bertrand
Its fine, don't worry about going on! Yes, they're very equal in the relationship, more like best buddies than anything else, which is good for my sanity!

At her age i had to deal with emotionally abusive adults and compromise my wants and needs in order to function on a day to day basis. It damaged my sense of self and paived the way for a number of ea relationships in young adulthood as well as mental health issues. Wish i had somewone to step in at the time.

I think when op says he treats her like a princess, what she means is that he treats her well, with respect and kindness. Have that talk with your dd, and step in if she chooses to see him and it happens again.as she is still a child.

I always bang on about this but whatever your DD experiences from her Father becomes her normal. You need to explain to her how wrong her Father’s behaviour is, (guessing here) that it is the reason you left him and that she needs to put proper boundaries in place as to how she lets people treat her. In fairness, your DD seems have grasped some of this instinctively but it does no harm to reinforce it. I don’t think she should go to see him until he apologises either.

Categoric
Believe me she doesn't think the way her dad behaves is normal / OK! We spend a LOT of time discussing what makes a healthy relationship.
As far as seeing her dad goes I've told her it's her choice and I'll support her whatever she decides and give her advice when she asks for it.

I really do appreciate everyone's views here, without another parent around to let me know when I'm doing OK it's great to have virtual support x