Question for single parents.....

[sallysec]

If you have children and your ex only sees them every other weekend....do they contact the kids inbetween visits like FaceTime etc etc? Do they contact you to ask how they are?

ExH has two scheduled calls with the DC, one mid-week and one on the weekend he doesn’t have them. Sometimes he FaceTimes them but otherwise it’s a straight call.

No, he doesn’t ask how they’re doing. He will email me to complain about everything things, demand respect and impart his parenting wisdom though

Thanks. I'm just wondering really as I can't figure out if it's unreasonable or not.

It maybe wouldn't annoy me so much of ds wasn't autistic.

Nope. Dd1 is now 14 and me and her dad split when she was 1. He has her roughly every other weekend, sometimes not that often, and no he has never in 13 years phoned to speak to her or tried to arrange to see her in between those times.

FWIW, dd has Aspergers, and I’m pretty certain he does too. So in his mind is very black and white, he sees dd every other weekend and the rest of the time he doesn’t.

ExH used to call them all the time, keep them on the phone for ages and call repeatedly for half an hour then send me long rants if I didn’t pick up or it wasn’t convenient or if the DC were busy doing something else and didn’t engage in the conversation with wholehearted enthusiasm. That was just perpetuating the abuse he liked to level at me while we were married, even though in his head I was ‘keeping him from the children’ and all that BS. I put my foot down and insisted on him keeping to scheduled call times, which he’s very sarcastic about but has more-or-less kept to since I refused to answer the phone at any other time.

If your DS is autistic then scheduled times might work for him, e.g. You call Daddy at 6 o’clock every Wednesday and if he doesn’t answer then you leave him a message telling him about your day. Then he knows exactly what to expect every Wednesday?

No he never had. DC asks once in a blue moon if they can ring. I do encourage dc to ring if any news like needs new glasses or got given a part in nativity.

Out of sight out of mind clearly

My ex doesn't ask how our kids are inbetween eow contact visits. But then he is completely self absorbed.

Thanks - tbf I did used to ring him with the kids all the time but I slowly realised 'hang on a minute why am I doing it?'. That on top of the fact he isn't involved in ds autism, never asks how his appointments went etc etc, I just stopped.

Obviously if something massive happened then I would let him know but otherwise there's just no contact. When he has them eow I speak to them on a morning and on a night. Maybe I shouldn't.....but I actually want to speak to them!

I had a massive meeting regarding ds and a massive email that I needed to tell the school regarding the outcome. I decided to just cc him in the email instead of telling him directly as it's just pontless. And even if he's read them email, he won't have a clue what I'm talking about anyway as he has no involvement. So I just thought if i 'cc' him then he cannot accuse me of not keeping him informed.

Marking my place as I will pop in and read suggestions.

I’m single and pregnant and we’ve made loose plans but I don’t want to formalise things until she’s older and I know where I am. When she’s older enough to stay it’ll be every other weekend, plus visiting Wednesday and Thursday in weeks he doesn’t see her at weekends, like he’ll pick her up after school and have her then bring her back for bed ect. Haven’t discussed phone calls but I bet he’d call every day so i’ll Want some set times in place.

My 2 go to their dads every other weekend. He has no contact in between at all. He hasn’t asked for any. It was all set up through court. My solicitor and I even suggested he could have them extra time in the holidays. He has never asked to and the arrangement has been going about a year.

The answer to both questions would be a no. I don't think it's right though. You can't make anyone be a good parent, they either are or they aren't. Do your best for your child.

I used to try and keep him updated like you but the interest just wasn't there, so I stopped too.

If just pisses me off and actually hurts me that he's not bothered! Like he is a parent to 2 lovely children and he just....there's nothing there. I'm sure he loves them in his own way but it's not the same love that I have for them. Absolutely not.

Sorry to see so many others dealing with it too x

@Vitalogy that's exactly it. I used to keep him informed on absolutely everything but he wasn't interested and I'd end up just getting angry so I stopped.

But now I'm still angry. He's on what's app literally every 3 minutes, how hard is it just to send a quick 'hi, are the kids ok?'

Mine go see xH one day a week and he calls them for 10/15 minutes once a week. He never used to, started about a year ago.

If just pisses me off and actually hurts me that he's not bothered! That's right. I found it hard to understand as well but it is what it is unfortunately.

No, he doesn't keep in touch between visits.

I do tell him things that happen at school etc, to run it past him, but he isn't very involved or interested (I don't mean that to sound awful, it's just how it is -- on the plus side it means I can completely take ownership of how to handle the situation as I think is best).

I started a private Instagram account where I post pictures. I find that is better than Whatsapp because I don't get so upset if he doesn't reply, but I am keeping a lovely record of our family life (for us) and I am also putting it somewhere where he can access it and see what we are up to if he wants to. But I don't worry about whether he is looking at it or not; I tend to assume he isn't and then if he does that's fine too.

You really need to adjust your expectations as much as possible (and those of the kids) as otherwise you will just be constantly disappointed. It is what it is. Some dads are very involved, others just aren't, and it's better for everyone if you accept his nature and try to find that interest, love and validation elsewhere -- your parents, siblings, cousins, older friends and relatives who may take an interest. Godparents have become especially important for us.

I'm not saying we don't care about whether dad is interested etc etc. But I do try to manage expectations.

FWIW, dd has Aspergers, and I’m pretty certain he does too. So in his mind is very black and white, he sees dd every other weekend and the rest of the time he doesn’t. Sounds familiar.

As vitalogy says you can’t make him be a decent parent. All you can do is prepare your child as best you can for his dad being a waste of space. I don’t tell my children their dad is a loser btw. But I haven’t disagreed with them when they’ve told me what they think of him at times.

ExH lives abroad and only has contact in school holidays. He likes to FaceTime them every day which tbh is a bit much for them but if we miss more than a couple of days he gets all P/A with them and says "why didn't you call me?" plaintively to them (never mind he didn't call them, also never mind they're 4 and 7 and obviously aren't calling anyone so it's actually just a dig at me).

Yep you are all right that I just need to accept it, he won't change and I know this. Every time it's brought up it's always 'from now on I will be more involved, I know it's a struggle with ds' etc etc. Nothing ever changes.

Ds just loves his dad and that's what's hard. Dd does too but she's younger and has a very grown up mind for her age. I know it won't be long until she realises her dad is abit of a twat.

Thanks, I was going to send him a message to say it's not on that he hasn't asked how they are but I now see this is pointless and won't get me anywhere.

I just love my kids so much - as we all do - and it's bloody frustrating there are parents out there who just don't feel what we do!

But now I'm still angry. I understand that. My son's grown up now. There's no anger left just a wee bit of sadness now and again.

@Vitalogy thank you for your comments X

When my DSS was little, he came to stay EOW. My then H would try and ring him every day between the weekends to ask how his day has been and his mum would get annoyed every friggin time. Her argument was that they spoke the day before so why would H want to speak to his son again? Mind that, when we had the boy over half-term or whatever, she would not call at all. Weirdo.