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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my dad right about me having a personality disorder?

40 replies

rangutan · 15/11/2018 23:23

I'm back home for the first time since I was 18 after a shit breakup last year, which basically saw me in hospital for a few months and a massive mental breakdown.

My parents have always been "unparenty" - I remember working in on my dad taking heroin when I was very little. My mum is an alcoholic and her temperament is questionable depending on when she has been drinking.

I have reverted very much to being childlike - I am studying at the minute with Finals coming up in December. I work part-time as a tutor as well, but this is ad-hoc and I am focused on exams. I pay my way and having savings behind me; I have just signed for a house in January in another city where I will be working.

I am constantly doubting my mental state when I'm with my parents. My dad likes to belittle me and make me feel stupid - he would always say to us as children "don't be so full of yourself". I am now very insecure and doubt almost anything which makes me a nightmare partner - very needy for affection - no wonder I have ended up being abused by my partners.

So today I tried to speak to him about something on the news. I say something and he says something to trip me up - basically along the lines of "ha, you think you know everything but you've just said it wrong" with a smirk on his face. So I went quiet, he then asks me why I have been eating so much lately (for context, I am a size 8 who went down to 6 1/2 stone last year through illness).

He later asked me why I was so miserable. I told him he had upset me before. He said "it's not my fault you tried to kill yourself, i'm not treading lightly around you because of that"

He then said he didn't say that and I was getting confused. He said he felt sorry for my ex partner who was "too good for me". He said I had histrionic personality disorder and that I had lunged at him aggressively (I am very small and was on other side of room).

AIBU to think my reactions are normal? Why does he hate me so much? All I want is peace and for people to stop hating me - what is it about me

OP posts:
GoatFinger · 15/11/2018 23:29

Move out if you can. Run as fast as possible from this toxic individual. He will bring nothing positive to your life. You'll spend so much time trying to please or being gas lighted for nothing.
Sounds like he has huge issues and he's projecting himself and those onto you.

I'd go speak to a counseller about how you're feeling simply to come to terms with this. Even if there is a mental health element it's no wonder with what you've seen growing up. It's not your fault. Try to be easier on yourself I'm sure you're doing great.
Flowers

Hideandgo · 15/11/2018 23:30

You are being psychologically and emotionally abused. Did you know that or suspect it?

3ChangingForNow · 15/11/2018 23:31

Your father is abusive, and sounds like he was abusive all through your childhood. He gets pleasure from seeing you in pain and is mentally torturing you.

There is nothing inherently wrong with you. You are just suffering because your sense of worth was constantly diminished. You will have to claw it back for yourself.

I wish I could be there to hug you and tell you good things about yourself and none of this is your fault.

You will get through this and will come out the other side as a strong person with a happy life.

Greensleeves · 15/11/2018 23:32

He is gaslighting and bullying you. It's serious, destructive emotional abuse. The sooner you get the hell away from him the better Sad

3ChangingForNow · 15/11/2018 23:35

Thank god you will be getting away in January to start your new life. Then it's healing time... time to get this toxic shit they've put in your head about yourself OUT.

ShovingLeopard · 15/11/2018 23:35

Just echoing other pps. Your father is abusive. Please try not to take what he says to heart. He is seriously fucked up. The way he speaks to you is NOT normal for a parent. Is there any way you could leave sooner than January?

PickAChew · 15/11/2018 23:37

Which mental health team does he work for?

Hazardswan · 15/11/2018 23:38

It's him, he's an ass.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/11/2018 23:39

If you had a personality disorder it would likely be caused by the shitty parenting you’ve had. Given a poor start in life, it sounds like you’re doing really well. You need to protect yourself by keeping away from him.

KumquatQuince · 15/11/2018 23:47

He has the personality disorder NOT you. Please get away from him as soon as you can and don’t look back.

HildaZelda · 16/11/2018 00:13

OP, please believe me when I say there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. Your father however is a major cunt, just like mine. When I was a child his favourite thing to constantly say to me was "You think you know it all, you know fuck all".
Both he and my mother physically, mentally and emotionally abused me all my life. My self esteem, confidence etc is non existent. I'm late thirties now and have been NC with both of them for the past few years
If you can move out at all, please do so. If you can avail of counselling, please do.

I promise you 100% that you are most definitely NOT at fault here.

notavictim36 · 16/11/2018 01:19

wow- reading this is diificult. My dad is like yours rangutan and spoke to me in the wya you describe.

My issue is: I know my dad was abusive, but I have had Borderline PD and Histrionic symptoms since my teens (diagnosed in my 20s), so my behaviour towards him and my mum was wrong a lot of the time too.

I am in therapy for the abuse and been told that BPD is linked to complex PTSD and that I most likely have CPTSD (I do identify as having it) but I find it hard to get past the self blame. Not so much for the physical violence and verbal abuse when I was a tiny infant, but in my teens I was a really difficult person and I feel I deserve everything I got from him.

However, I actually had PD and this has been verfified from several different doctors. I was extremely sensitive, moody, attention seeking and self harmed since childhood. I had extreme highs and lows and addictions also. I was extremely needy at times needing validation, no real sense of identity, shifting views of myself and others and also withdrew a lot from people and had little confidence socially, unless I was acting up to get noticed.; I struggled to be motivated in school unless I wanted to impress a teacher or other student I was fixated on (was very obsessive about people) and I overate to the point where my father called me ugly and lazy and tried to throw me out the house. He threatened that sometimes. Other times he threatened me with hitting.

I look back at myself as a child and although I KNOW my dad was wrong, inside my emotions I feel my da dmust be right about me. He would tell me I was shallow, empty headed, a fake....I still believe I am, deep down.
You, on the other hand, OP, mention no such symptoms in your post and have no diagnosis. Only a psychiatrist can assess you to be sure but to me, you sound like a nice normal person who has ben putting up with constant put downs you do not deserve. You are not like me at all.

Flowers, OP. Like I said, only a Dr can diagnose you, but you sound sane to me, just understandably distressed at living with such a dick of a dad. I am so sorry you are going through this.

notavictim36 · 16/11/2018 01:23

HildaZelda I agree with you.

Unless the OP HAS been acting out bad behaviours of BPD/HPD etc or generally not being a difficult daugfhter then she is 100 per cent innocent. If a child is difficult then I think that is diferent- sometimes the child has to take some responsibility for acting out. But this does not seem to apply to the OP at all.

OP's father is acting like an immature arsehole man child.

shaftedbythesystem · 16/11/2018 01:24

Some people have to belittle others to bolster their own self worth. Unfortunately, your father seems to be one of them. He is toxic, it's not you. Try to remain calm and focused on your goal. You will soon be free of him x

notavictim36 · 16/11/2018 01:30

some people have to belittle others to bolster their own self worth. Unfortunately, your father seems to be one of them. He is toxic

yup, I agree with shaftedbythesystem I recommend Toxic Parents book. My therapist lent me a copy the other week. It is by Susan Forward. I found it very helpful. I had been questioning whether the verbal and mental abuse was all in my head, but the book validated it was real. It has helpful tips in it on boundaries and redefining our own boundaries.

notavictim36 · 16/11/2018 01:34

Greensleeves Yup. My MH improved once I left my father and his abuse. I stil had PD and PTSD but at least I was safe and able to begin to working on my demons without living in fear of him.

OP, once you are out of there you will be OK and can start living your life on your own terms.

kateandme · 16/11/2018 02:17

hes a dickhead.and id say lots of the underlying reasons fro your delicate mental state is because of his shit poor show of being a loving parent!
don't you sare listen to him.
also so what if you have personality disorder.that means he should be more caring and more looking after you not shoving it down you face as a thing of badness or shame.
when he puts negative things your way you need to STOP right there.and think.is this really truth?do I deserve this?what have I done to deserve this?really really think.and then think actually maybe this is him.maybe im not all the things he says of me.i am worth more than this nastiness and I do not deserve this. you take in his words and you blow them back out your heals.and they are gone.
you just focus on making your best life out of his way.you don't need people in ur life.becasue even if you had ur flaws for one your parent should support you through them not guilt or shame you with them.
secondly you've still got your whole life ahead of you now.go prove to yourself you can do this.and do not listen to yor dad.
im so sorry you've had such a tough time.your worthy and you can have a good life from here.just don't listen ok.
your problems need supporting and after what you've been through you need wrapping in a big hug not what has been aimed at you by a disgusting man.
do not listen.
look him in the eye and say to yourself "I acknowledge that you think you can play me dad.but you cant.i no your game" then smile and work the hell away.

notavictim36 · 16/11/2018 02:25

kateandme so what if you have a pesonality disorder people with PDs can be very difficult to live with though. However it does not sound like OP has any symptms of PD, so therefore she is blameless

Monty27 · 16/11/2018 02:43

Why are you spending time with these negative people? Confused

Shriek · 16/11/2018 02:52

Jeez.....what a cheek, hea gone all these massive issues and says you're the one with the disorder.

You'll be fine if you can leave and get support for you.
Screw him. He's an arsehole

thighofrelief · 16/11/2018 02:55

nota even if someone does have a PD they are blameless. Especially BPD which is caused by a traumatic childhood which OP and you both had.

notavictim36 · 16/11/2018 02:58

thanks thighofrelief (waves) yeah my therapist being trying to persuade me of this for a few weeks but somehow the doubts have not gone away. Urghh.

thighofrelief · 16/11/2018 02:58

There is a stately homes thread in the relationship section of MN for people who have complex relationships with their family of origin. There's a lot of advice re books etc and it is very supportive.

thighofrelief · 16/11/2018 03:00

nota some days all you should expect of yourself is to breathe in and out and take things very easy.

Cutietips · 16/11/2018 04:11

blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2018/07/abuse-neglect-blame/

This is a really good article which explains why children grow up blaming themselves for the abuse and neglect they received from their parents. When you understand it, it makes sense that you might have developed the idea that it's all your fault. Especially as you are still being gaslighted by your father.

However, you can change this and start to realise that the way your parents brought you up is not your responsibility but theirs. You did not have the ability to get up and walk out as a child. But you can now. You are no longer powerless against your parents actions and abuse. Get yourself away from your parents and start practising self compassion. Continue with the therapy. Be kind to yourself in as many ways as you can think of.