is my dad right about me having a personality disorder?

[rangutan]

I'm back home for the first time since I was 18 after a shit breakup last year, which basically saw me in hospital for a few months and a massive mental breakdown.

My parents have always been "unparenty" - I remember working in on my dad taking heroin when I was very little. My mum is an alcoholic and her temperament is questionable depending on when she has been drinking.

I have reverted very much to being childlike - I am studying at the minute with Finals coming up in December. I work part-time as a tutor as well, but this is ad-hoc and I am focused on exams. I pay my way and having savings behind me; I have just signed for a house in January in another city where I will be working.

I am constantly doubting my mental state when I'm with my parents. My dad likes to belittle me and make me feel stupid - he would always say to us as children "don't be so full of yourself". I am now very insecure and doubt almost anything which makes me a nightmare partner - very needy for affection - no wonder I have ended up being abused by my partners.

So today I tried to speak to him about something on the news. I say something and he says something to trip me up - basically along the lines of "ha, you think you know everything but you've just said it wrong" with a smirk on his face. So I went quiet, he then asks me why I have been eating so much lately (for context, I am a size 8 who went down to 6 1/2 stone last year through illness).

He later asked me why I was so miserable. I told him he had upset me before. He said "it's not my fault you tried to kill yourself, i'm not treading lightly around you because of that"

He then said he didn't say that and I was getting confused. He said he felt sorry for my ex partner who was "too good for me". He said I had histrionic personality disorder and that I had lunged at him aggressively (I am very small and was on other side of room).

AIBU to think my reactions are normal? Why does he hate me so much? All I want is peace and for people to stop hating me - what is it about me

Thanks Cutietips I know thi sisn't my thread but I am touched by those who are reaching out to me and the OP. I have left my father but it is like he is still in my head taking up residence regarding the self blame.

OP thinking of you and hoping you will be able to free yourself from your dad soon.

thighofrelief

yes, some days all I can expect of myself is behave in a way that is remotely human. eg not have massive meltdowns. flashbacks panic etc...

OP, you asked what is it about me? Well, I thought that for ages until my sister explained how he had been doing it to her as well. And my sister has no PD and is a good person. Just like you.

The problem is your dad. He is projecting his issues on to you, maybe he was treated this way himself by his parents or he has sociopathic tendancies. My own dad had a hellish childhood which wa why he behaved as he did with me and my sister. He liked to mess with our heads.

You are better than him and he knows it.
Please move out and spend time trying to surround yourself with possitive suportive people.

My mother was emotionally abusive - I don’t want to go into details, but everything you’ve written sounds so familiar.

I’d recommend getting out of that house as soon as you possibly can; distance will help! Can I suggest counselling, too? It sounds like you’re being horribly gaslighted - talking through everything with somebody objective can be really useful.

It is NOT you, it’s him.

They are abusing you. Currently your spell in hospital is probably down to their behaviour.
I’m unparenty, I would love to be a better parent, but I give my kids praise a lot of the time. “Hey that’s good”.

Thank heavens you are moving out in January.

Do you have any friends you could stay with until then?

I have no idea if you have a personality disorder but if you have it would no doubt be because of your childhood. Get away .

I feel for you OP and to all the others who have posted on here with similarly abusive and toxic parental relationships. I stood up to mine for the first time yesterday in 40 years of existence and although I spent all night crying my eyes out and thinking "why me" " why am i such an unlovable and worthless daughter " I finally felt a sense of relief and actually proud of myself that i had stood up to the bully. today I realise that I'm no longer powerless and in fear of my mother. Her insults and digs and constant criticisms mean nothing - I am not that person. For once in my life i can say with some conviction, it's not me, it's her. Surround yourself with kind, understanding people if you can - they will help guide you through the shitstorm and remind you of the wonderful person you really are.

He sounds like he’s the one with the issue.

And my sister has no PD and is a good person. - Notavictim, you are not a bad person because you developed a cluster B personality disorder to cope with the abusive environment, nor is it a given that your sister doesn't suffer with either a personality disorder or mental health issues.

Cluster B PD's are the ones that people know because the behaviour associated with them can be extreme, but their are other PD's that are more subtle but can be just as damaging to both the individual suffering and those in relationship with them. However, even if your sister did manage to navigate her childhood unscathed (unlikely) you have to stop beating yourself up for something you had no control over. You survived your childhood the only way you could and the damage done to you has no bearing on your worthiness as a person - it does not define you as good or bad.

OP - you cannot hope to recover from your mental breakdown whilst being in an environment with the primary cause of your mental ill health. I understand that sometime circumstances leave people with little practical options and that abuse can lead to people having few internal resources to help themselves in a crisis but sweetheart, you need to get out of that house ASAP. Christmas is such a flash point for abusive dynamics to go nuclear in many households and you are already fragile. If you can, find somewhere else to stay over the Christmas period, even if it's a bit shit.

These people have never been and will never be able to nurture you in the way that you need. You need to accept and grieve the loss of that, you can't do that in their presence.

Your personality, disordered or otherwise, is neither here nor there. You finding a way to extract yourself from this abusive situation is the pressing matter. Do you have any support from any agencies due to your hospital stay, from whom you could request some assistance?

OP you are staying there for practical reasons atm. I'm sure if you had any other option you would have taken it. Try not to engage or internalise anything he says. Give non answers ie uh huh, I'm sure you're right, thanks for the tip and remember he's not right he's a cruel bastard.

Your dad does heroin and your mum is an alcoholic. Their judgement is flawed. Trust your own instincts over theirs. Yes, your going through a shitty time and it's only natural you're questioning yourself but give yourself a break. You've been strong enough not to go down the path your parents did and you're strong enough to get through this despite their sniping attitude.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve to self indulge a little bit at this time and ignore those who would belittle you when you're feeling a bit vulnerable. Hope things get better for you soon.

YANBU. As others have said, your dad is abusive and gaslighting.

If you do have a PD, which you may or may not have, it's his fault, and secondly- with therapy, it is now known to be something people can recover from.

You're doing the right things to get away safely and be self sufficient. Things will get better

And another thing - do you not find it strange he said you have a personality disorder when all of your experiences and interactions with him seen to point to the fact that it is him with a personality disorder ?!?(look up narcissistic pd and you will see some classic signs and behaviours - gaslighting, projection, overly critical, belittling,denial of another's feelings, lack of empathy....)

I just wonder if he's been doing some reading and recognises some of the above in himself but instead of accepting that he may be in the wrong he projects on to you, as the scapegoat child. Typical narcissistic behaviour.

I hope you're doing ok and managing to cope with all this with support? Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing. We're listening and we believe your story.

Agree with PP. Get out, get out as quick as you can. A friend, an extended relative (who is not like your parents!), work colleague, taking over house earlier if feasible?

I will never forget my thunderbolt moment when I realised it was them, not me. We really don't want to accept our parents don't love us (because they can't), accepting that we're not normal is easier than accepting they are. We have to believe this as defenceless children because we depend on them for survival.

nota oh love, I could hug you. Don't you realise that your teenage behaviour was a reaction to their abuse of you as a younger child and from infancy. Whatever went wrong with your programming to give you a personality disorder (not that I agree with saying a traumatised person has one) is not your fault, you couldn't prevent it, you didn't choose it. Please get support to help you see this.

(((( hugs)))) from me too love. You will feel so much better for not listening to them anymore