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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have called NSPCC

72 replies

melmo26 · 15/11/2018 21:28

I have name changed for this for obvious reasons.

My 9yo daughter asked to speak to me tonight and was rather upset.
She said she was scared to tell me something and that she was really worrying.

A boy from school has been making her play a dare game. Where you are not allowed to say no and have to do it. The dare game involves them having to take out their privates. She said she didn’t like this game but the boy in question made her do it. She is not the only child involved.

I called NSPCC for advice as I didn’t know if this was natural curiosity or not. They have said it doesn’t sound like and and will be contacting the child protection team.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach, I know I have done the right thing but am sitting here shaking. I live in an absolutely tiny village on the outskirts of all friendships. I just know this is going to cause problems and no one is going to see this from my child’s point of view.

I am so scared of the repocussions, have I done the right thing? Am I wrong to have reported this?

Please help me try to make sense of this. Does anyone know what happens next?

OP posts:

crushedstrawberries · 15/11/2018 21:30

I'm really sorry but I don't have any advice. You have definitely done the right thing and you now need to be really strong and support your DD through this horrible time

OurMiracle1106 · 15/11/2018 21:32

Yes you have done the right thing not only by your DD and the other children involved but by this little boy. It’s awful to think what may be happening to him for him to think this is normal.

Nikkit2017 · 15/11/2018 21:45

You have definitely done the right thing not only by your dd but also by this child and potentially any other children who are caught up in this. For a child of this age to be having those thoughts is worrying and could be a signal of something untoward happening at home. I don't know what to suggest about the ppl in your town, hopefully they will see things from your point of view and see you were only protecting your dd. I would have dome the same for what it's worth 😊

mazv1953 · 15/11/2018 21:46

Well done - too many people look the other way with the result children are damaged for so long that the harm can't be undone.

TORDEVAN · 15/11/2018 21:47

Sounds like you definitely have done the right thing

MuddyMoose · 15/11/2018 21:49

Absolutely done the right thing.
I don't have any advice, sorry, but didn't want to read & run

ISeeTheLight · 15/11/2018 21:50

You've done the right thing. Not all children would tell their parents (I don't think DD would, she's only 5 but refuses to talk about what she did at school). If I was a parent of one of the other children I would be delighted you contacted them as soon as you found out.

Original poster

melmo26 · 15/11/2018 21:50

I know I have to be strong I just don’t know if I can.

My daughter is sound asleep now but I have so many things I want to ask her.
NSPCC said it’s best I don’t ask too many questions as they can be probing, just to let her talk.

Does this mean someone from child protection will come out and talk to her or how else do we find out what’s happened.
I’m so scared for her right now, why didn’t she tell me straight away? Why did she wait until it had been happening for months?

I thought I had taught my daughter to be able to tell me anything. I have failed

OP posts:

chumbal · 15/11/2018 21:50

Be brave, be strong, you have done the right thing.

Tell yourself this & your daughter if things are tough.

Feel glad this young lad may also be helped & if he is experiencing abuse it is stopped & the perpetrator punished.

chumbal · 15/11/2018 21:51

She told you so you have bot failed

chumbal · 15/11/2018 21:51

Not

ElideLochan · 15/11/2018 21:53

agreed, she told you - you've called nspcc, you've done a good job

you can tell her that her body is her own and she is in control and that if someone tells her 'she has to' - she doesnt!

stay calm, stay cool, she needs to know you are in control

Amallamard · 15/11/2018 21:54

If you feel you can then I strongly suggest you speak to someone about it at school ASAP. Both so that they can put measures in place to protect the other children he is doing this to, but also so they have a full picture of what is going on with this child himself. It always has to be a concern when children do things like this. You absolutely have not done anything wrong by calling the NSPCC, please don't think that. I just think it's very important that school are in the loop as soon as they can be.

MemoryOfSleep · 15/11/2018 21:57

You do need to tell the school, especially as there are other children involved. They will have their own safeguarding processes to go through.

Mamabearx4 · 15/11/2018 21:59

Youve done the right thing, at this age ots not normal curiosity. But i would stress to your daughter that no matter what, she always has a.right to say no, game or not. Her body, her choice. This sounds like control more then seeing her private area. I would speak to school too as it could be this child is doing it to others as well.

Original poster

melmo26 · 15/11/2018 22:04

I’m going into school first thing tomorrow as advised.

I thanked my daughter for telling me and told her that she never has to do anything she doesn’t want to, especially when it is something to do with the pant rule.

She told me they were learning about “that” at school a few days ago and I think that is what has prompted her to tell me.

I managed to stay calm and collected throughout our chat but burst out crying trying to tell my husband.

I hope she will still feel able to chat in the morning. I don’t want her to lose trust in me either

OP posts:

Wasywasydoodah · 15/11/2018 22:05

Well done. You’ve definitely done the right thing and the behaviour needs stopping - that’s not to say that anything like removing children from parents or such drastic measures will happen. But the professionals will work out what’s going on and get people help if need be.

Please speak to the school tomorrow - they have a duty to stop this behaviour while on school property and so can/should be protecting your daughter and the others involved tomorrow. This is important as she’s been brave in telling you and needs to see she is being believed and protected.

Wasywasydoodah · 15/11/2018 22:06

Cross posts there. Well done, you’re getting it right. Xx

CaledonianQueen · 15/11/2018 22:10

You have not failed your dd at all! She felt able to confide in you! Which is more than I was ever able to do when I was abused by another pupil from school! You have supported your baby and immediately contacted the nspcc for support and advice, that is pretty awesome parenting in my book!

Make sure your little girl feels no shame, she has done nothing wrong at all. The shame is the worst feeling as a child.

Notquiteagandt · 15/11/2018 22:12

Makes me wonder whats happening to that little boy to know about stuff like this and think its normal. You may well of saved him from abuse himself etc. They will deffiantly want to look into his home life etc.

You also say hes been doing this to a few children.

So there could well be countless children you have helped in this instance so you certainly did the right thing.

Your poor DD though

Threadastaire · 15/11/2018 22:14

@melmo26 it's right that nspcc refer it in, but please don't panic, it doesn't mean it's necessarily a child protection issue re the other child - it's enough that the nspcc can't do nothing, but children's services are the right people to find out if there is anything more to it. You mentioned possibly curiousity, theres a spectrum from innocent curiousity through to harmful behaviour/child protection and it's not automatically one or the other. You've absolutely done the right thing by being there for your daughter.
It's really naturally to panic about anything potentially sexual about children's behaviour, but there's a really useful tool from Brook that helps look at when things move from 'normal' to a worry through to harmful, with guidance about how to handle it -
www.brook.org.uk/our-work/the-sexual-behaviours-traffic-light-tool

Original poster

melmo26 · 15/11/2018 22:17

I will definitely be speaking to school.

I know the being believed is extremely important as I myself was sexually abused as a child and my mum didn’t believe me.
I also know that I don’t want to scare her further. She has told me and I need her to know she can always tell me things and not think I have broken her trust by doing something about it. I am hoping it makes her trust me more.

I know this must sound all jumbled but I have so many thoughts running through my head right now

OP posts:

Original poster

melmo26 · 15/11/2018 22:22

*threadastaire thank you going to have a look at that now

And thank you everyone for your reassurance that I did do the right thing.

OP posts:

yumsy · 15/11/2018 22:27

You have done the right thing. My DS was sexually abused by one of my best friends sons for 5 years. We had no idea. We are all close and he never told us. I found out through stuff on his phone. We have been to hell and back and back again. It's all just so difficult.

Original poster

melmo26 · 15/11/2018 22:30

*yumsy I’m so sorry that is awful, your poor son. I can imagine it has been hell for you both.

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