To have called NSPCC

[melmo26]

I have name changed for this for obvious reasons.

My 9yo daughter asked to speak to me tonight and was rather upset.
She said she was scared to tell me something and that she was really worrying.

A boy from school has been making her play a dare game. Where you are not allowed to say no and have to do it. The dare game involves them having to take out their privates. She said she didn’t like this game but the boy in question made her do it. She is not the only child involved.

I called NSPCC for advice as I didn’t know if this was natural curiosity or not. They have said it doesn’t sound like and and will be contacting the child protection team.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach, I know I have done the right thing but am sitting here shaking. I live in an absolutely tiny village on the outskirts of all friendships. I just know this is going to cause problems and no one is going to see this from my child’s point of view.

I am so scared of the repocussions, have I done the right thing? Am I wrong to have reported this?

Please help me try to make sense of this. Does anyone know what happens next?

You have done the right ting, and I'm so sorry for happened to you as a child.

That a really good link Threadastaire. The NSPCC and school can look into it from here.

Try not to be too worried about what people think, they should deal with it confidentially so there will be no comeback for your daughter as no one should be told who reported the incident. The school will have a safeguarding lead person - ask to speak to them and you will be able to discuss in private. They have procedures in place to investigate things like this without drawing attention to those involved.
It's good that you have reported it, as now it will stop. Your daughter will also have learned a really valuable lesson that she can say no and she can rely on her mum to look after her, if that's any kind of silver lining to a horrible situation.

Thanks Melmo it's just so awful. I spent the first year cuddling him and never telling him off for anything and practically wanting to kill anyone who dared to disagree with him. I became an absolutely over protective monster. It's now 2 yrs and he is good. Doing well. But it has changed everything and I constantly worry about how he will be affected in the future.
Just hold her tight, don't ask too much too soon, and look after yourself too. Lots of love.

Op I'm so sorry that happened to you and your mum's reaction, can appreciate how many things are running through your head right now.
Re your daughter trusting you - she's trusted you to tell you. And if it does need to go further (it might not, but there's a possibility) then there are ways of explaining to her so that she understands why you had to do something. It's not about sharing her secrets - the message for your daughter is that she can trust you to listen to her AND to protect her.

If this has involved other children it might be something school can identify and deal with without involving her further though. Not saying it's ok that this happens, but it's really not uncommon and it's part of children learning boundaries, what is acceptable, and why some things aren't acceptable. For example, dare games are common because lots of children know privates are 'naughty' but don't know why, gets a reaction from adults, it becomes an elusive secretive thing and that's before we get the issue of hormones and enjoyable body parts and confusing media messages!

You've done the right thing. You really, really have.

I hope your daughter is ok.

I think most parents and teachers would be grateful that you have taken steps to protect these children (including the boy who is initiating the games). I can't imagine many adults seriously thinking this should be ignored or minimised.

You did the right thing. Well done. Your daughter will know that you will always stand up for her and protect her.

melmo26 and yumsy

I went through the same thing as your daughter at the same age (9 or 10). 3 kids pinned me down and forced me to show them my pivate parts. They used my fear of something to make me comply.

Unfortunately I told my mum, who told the school and the teacher blamed me saying I was asking for it....Please be careful what you tell the school- i have never forgiven my mum for shaming me by telling the teacher what I had let those kids do to me. made mje feel so much shame.

I am sorry for what you went through in your childhood, adult on child sexual abuse really is very traumatising, but be careful not to define your child's experience as "traumatic" and "abuse" becaus eshe may take on those labels anhd start to see herself as damaged.

Considering myself an "abuse victim" was very damaging for me- I am stil in therapy today to try and help me reframe my experience and see it is an unpleasant but not really traumtic experience. Encourage your daughter to be proud she told you.

melmo yumsy and other PPs who have gone through this. am sorry if my last post sounded a bit scare mongering- am sure your kids will be ok.

I think it i sbest to take alow key reaction to what the kids have been through as making thme believe they have been violated may make them end up like me- I find it hard to trust people or like myself.

It may be am being a bit paranoid- I have PTSD regarding some other things 3which happend to me in my childhood and been discussing this with my therapist today so feel a bit vulnerable.

You are not alone.

melmo hope you ar egetting some support to deal with your own childhood. I understand how you feel as my father abused me mentally and verbally and my grandfather touched me innappropriately.

PerspicaciaTick

I can't imagine many adults thinking this hsould be ignored or minimised

I can. Happend to me. .years later when my father found out he told me what I went through was trivial because it was done by a child. My father was not a good dad but to b ehonest he was probably right on this topic.

my mum and my teacher overreacted though by shaming and blaming me. So I ended up peceiving myself as hard done by. Mind you, I am guessing that most kids are more resilient than I was.

I stil blame myself for letting those boys do what they did to me.

I hope the OP has some support as for someone who actually has been abused, this could be a very distressing situation which brings up all sorts of emotions.

Did this happen in school? It's terrifying and makes you feel like you dont want to let them out your site. I hope your daughter is OK in time, stay strong your doing the right thing

notavictim36
I'm very sorry you experienced both the abuse and the blaming.

I was trying to reassure that OP that she won't automatically be condemned by playground parents, I think she is very brave and I if my DC go to this school, I would support her in RL as well as on MN.

Persipacia That's ok- I understand. Just needed to vent.

FWIW I think it is great that OP is supportive of these children. The boy needs safeguarding in case he is being abused, so calling NSPCC anonymously was IMO a good thing to do.

I have a lot of respect for NSPCC and what they do, especially the pants rule. If kids learn they can say no to "games" from other kids, it will strengthen them for when predators try it on with them. Not saying that what happened to the OP's DD is a good thing btw, but better a kid playing around than an adult abusing them.

Good on you OP. One thing I picked up in your post was fear of being ostracised in small community etc. Please be aware that there is a rule of law that people who whistleblow to the NSPCC get their anonymity protected. So if anyone visits the boy's family or enquiries are made in that direction, by law they must keep your confidentiality if you require it and you are not publicly named and embarrassed. Of course in a small community people have their ways and means of discovering gossip, but on documents if you want to be called an anonymous parent, you will be.

I always say that if you have a good reason for concern then you have every right to call. It's better to call and it be nothing then to not call and it be something bad.
You may have just helped a child get out of their worst nightmare! 100% the right thing to do xx

Very upsetting for you. you have so Not failed. She spoke to you. Some kids won't. Ask yourself why the others have not come forth?
Please make sure you speak to the right person at school; the head and/or the safeguarding officer (all schools have someone in this role).
The boy needs to learn this is massively inappropriate behaviour and the children caught up in this, that it is ok to share their experiences with an adult who is supportive and non judgemental.
Also ask what they are going to do next. If they are going to speak to her about it at all, ask to be there. You need to hear their approach.
The last thing she needs is a conversation with someone who attempts to minimalist the issue to avoid the inevitable paperwork.
You are doing the right thing.. Take it slow and give yourself time.

Jamiefraserskilt

I really think it is unlikley the NSPCC will want to speak to the DD other than to get her take on events, as what happend to DD is not a safeguarding issue. The safegaurding aspect is the boy may be acting out abuse and so the safeguarding and protection side of things will be aimed at him. OP and her DD have nothing to fear.

Thank you everyone for you lovely support.
I woke up this morning with that horrid feeling in my stomach. I’m so nervous at what’s going to happen from here.
I’m going to speak to DD when she wakes up and try to get more facts. I’m going to tell her I’ve contacted help but make sure she knows she is not in trouble or to blame.

I’m not sure if I should approach the other mum this morning?

You absolutely have not failed her, it's great that she has approached you and you have listened so well, children will tell because they want and need you to help and you have done absolutely the right thing. Your anonymity will be protected. If I were you I wouldn't ask too many questions this morning, just reinforce that she was right to tell you and it shouldn't have happened.

Please be aware that there is a rule of law that people who whistleblow to the NSPCC get their anonymity protected.

That is not remotely true - the NSPCC helpline will offer confidentiality if there are no current safeguarding issues. When the NSPCC pass on information to children’s services they will include the indentity of the person who made the allegations - because it needs to be investigated. It’s then down to the statutory agencies how much they share with the people they are investigating and they’ll make that decision based on a variety of factors, but there is no law that says the NSPCC can’t idebtify you if you contact them.

Depending on the type of allegation it wouid be very difficult to maintain confidentiality- eg investigating sexual abuse, they need to interview the victim and at some point the person they are alleging is the perpetrator will know who told. Either by process of elimination or because the person is part of the cp process.

The OP is right to consider how she will deal with people in a small community knowing something very private about her family because that’s part of the picture and professionals should advise her on how to deal with this and how to support her daughter.

I’m not sure if I should approach the other mum this morning?

I think it’s best if you don’t tbh, apart from anything else if you’re concerned that people might know you told, speaking to the other mum would confirm this before you start. It also suggests you’re prepared to talk about it, which gives other people “permission” to talk about it too, which you may not want. You also don’t know how she might react, she may become distressed, aggressive, she may tell everyone your child is telling lies etc - you just don’t know. It’s best left in the hands of the professionals now - you could really compromise the investigation by talking about it to others.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You have very much done the right thing.

Don't approach the other parent. You really mustn't. Leave that for the specialists.

I hope that your dd is ok, and that this gets dealt with quickly and with sensitivity by school.

Thinking of you x

You sound lovely op. Being believed and not blamed will mean so much to her. You have done the right thing. And anyone who has an opinion who thinks this should be minimised or dismissed, well they aren't people who's opinion of you should matter.

Your dd is lucky to have you and it will mean more than you could possibly know to her to know you have her back.

So sorry for what has happened. To your dd and also everyone else on this thread who has been.through similar.

you have done the right thing. I wouldn’t prove your daughter too much today Hooghly. She has started to tell you so I might be better to speak to her at the weekend.
I would strongly recommend you don’t discuss with the other mother or anyone else outside of the school.
If the school is any good then they will follow this all up correctly.

Well done op