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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you tell your DP if something terrible had happened to you a long time ago?

39 replies

Turquoisebra · 15/11/2018 20:05

I don’t want to go into detail but something really bad happened to me when I was 21, so nearly 20 years ago. It was in another country when I was travelling and when I managed to leave the situation and get home, I just wanted it to disappear and also I didn’t want the knowledge of what had happened to me to hurt my parents, so I didn’t really tell anyone except for a couple of my best friends.

I’ve had a few long term relationships since then and never told them. I’m not sure why, I think mainly because I didn’t want them to think I was looking for sympathy with a ‘sob story’ or for them to maybe see me differently. And a big part of me didn’t want to acknowledge it as a thing at all, because I didn’t want the people who had done it to ‘win’ by letting it affect me. Although of course it did affect me and I was diagnosed with PTSD by a depression and anxiety service a few years ago. I ended up not having the CBT they offered though because I was dealing with some big life changes at the time and couldn’t devote the time to it.

Now I’m with the person I hope to spend the rest of my life with, and I’ve been feeling as though maybe I should tell him, because although I never talk about it I do think about it every day and it’s affected me in that I have anxiety and nightmares and flashbacks sometimes, and I sometimes wish he knows it was because something happened to me to make me that way, not that it’s just the way I am. I’ve decided to get some counselling about it soon as well and am on a waiting list.

Maybe that’s partly why I’m wondering if I should tell my DP about it. And also I suppose it almost feels dishonest or secretive or something. I feel like I want him to really know me even though part of me is worried that he might reject me if he knows I’m ‘damaged’. I know this is irrational because what happened wasn’t my fault, but it’s still worrying me.

So, should I tell him, or leave it in the past? Part of me thinks, what’s the point in telling him? What good would it do? What do I hope to achieve by it? My life has been mostly ok keeping it to myself so perhaps I should carry on.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 15/11/2018 20:11

Yes I would. My DP knows everything past and present

helpmebreathe · 15/11/2018 20:13

Yes I did. It helps him understand why I am the way I am.

EverardDigby · 15/11/2018 20:14

I think you should tell him. If he rejects you is he the sort of person you want to be with anyway?

Wildheartsease · 15/11/2018 20:15

I told my DP - and it helped me. (I didn't tell anyone else - not at the time and not later) He was great.

Telling it made it more a story - so smaller and less 'real and right here' for me.

Original poster
Turquoisebra · 15/11/2018 20:15

Thanks @greendale17 - may I ask how you approached it? Did it come out naturally in conversation or did you plan out how you were going to tell him (assuming there was a particular ‘thing’ you told him about, maybe I’ve got the wrong end of the stick and you just mean you’ve just generally not kept anything from him)

OP posts:
Original poster
Turquoisebra · 15/11/2018 20:15

Sorry that question is for anyone really!

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 15/11/2018 20:16

Yes, I would.

LewisMam · 15/11/2018 20:18

Personally I wouldn’t. Knowing that he knew would make it more real and scary iyswim? I wouldn’t want to open old wounds by discussing it. I wouldn’t want to answer questions. And I’d feel like I couldn’t forget it because he’d always know. If you’re having intrusive thoughts then perhaps therapy eg CBT might help.

Original poster
Turquoisebra · 15/11/2018 20:18

So should I sit him down and say I need to tell him something? I’m really worried about coming across as dramatic or looking for sympathy or something, I don’t want him to think of me as a victim, or for him to think that I think of myself as a victim, because I don’t!

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 15/11/2018 20:19

I found it helpful telling my DH about something traumatic in my past as I had things that triggered it, including behaviours that he unwittingly. By telling him he was aware of those things and able to either stop or be supportive

AuntMarch · 15/11/2018 20:19

If you are going to do could counselling I would tell him as it is likely to bring a lot of emotion to the surface.

Original poster
Turquoisebra · 15/11/2018 20:20

@LewisMam yes these are things that have crossed my mind. Would I be making it ‘bigger’ by sharing it?

OP posts:
Mondaytired · 15/11/2018 20:22

My DH told me a few year ago whilst drunk in Vegas about some historic sexual abuse he was victim of... we talked about it when sober and every now and then we explore it more.
I think it helped him talking about it to be honest.. and you won’t come across as dramatic or looking for sympathy. Just comfortable to talk about it with your OH

Doidontimmm · 15/11/2018 20:22

I’ve never told anyone what happened to me but been with BF almost 3 years now so thinking I should, but worry the same as you. Also explaining why I’ve not told him already!

Original poster
Turquoisebra · 15/11/2018 20:23

To those of you who chose to tell your DPs, did their reaction make you feel better or worse? Part of me thinks, what if he reacts in a way that makes me feel worse, not that he would do so out of unkindness! He’s very kind. But he might just not say or do the ‘right’ things, not that I’m 100% sure what the ‘right’ reaction would be. I guess I’m just scared of making things worse. I’m so mixed up

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 15/11/2018 20:23

I think that if certain events or behaviours trigger reminders of the event then perhaps he should know.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2018 20:26

Put the shoe on the other foot. If it was something that happened to your partner would you want him to tell you?

I had a very abusive childhood, I can't begin to even over state it. Something very very bad also happened. I told my husband quite early on, I told my daughter when she was old enough to understand about the bad thing and to handle it, but didn't really tell her about the abuse, and my close friends know. No one at work clearly.

I'm quite an open person and understanding what occurred is part of understanding me.

Tell him, if you love him and trust him and want to spend your life with him, then you must trust his reaction and how he will handle it.

sadsadsady · 15/11/2018 20:26

I told my dh some very awful things that happened to me.

I really wish I hadn't. He didn't respond at the time (I get why, he probably didn't know what to say) and has never mentioned them since.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed he knows.

Original poster
Turquoisebra · 15/11/2018 20:26

@Doidontimmm Do you worry about telling him for the same reasons as me? It’s kind of scary to rock the boat when you’ve managed to mostly live a happy life despite what happened.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/11/2018 20:27

To those of you who chose to tell your DPs, did their reaction make you feel better or worse

Neither as I had come to terms with it.

TheChickenOfTruth · 15/11/2018 20:27

If you are looking into counselling anyway, you could ask your counsellor for advice. Or perhaps, once you've got to a place where you feel able to, invite your partner to a session so the counsellor can facilitate the discussion.

Original poster
Turquoisebra · 15/11/2018 20:28

@Bluntness100 thank you, I’ll think about what you’ve said

@sadsadsady I’m so sorry to hear that Flowers

OP posts:
Switcherpoo · 15/11/2018 20:28

You're not leaving it in the past though are you? It's affecting you on a day to day basis. Tell him. But be ready to tell home what support you need from him.

Most men I know are hugely sympathetic but searching for a way to fix a problem when they hear about it. He will feel upset at how helpless he is. He can't go back in time to prevent it. But he can help you in the here and now. Think about what you want and how you can ask that of him. If he is the one for you, he'll respond in the right way.

Original poster
Turquoisebra · 15/11/2018 20:29

@TheChickenOfTruth that’s a really good idea I think

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 15/11/2018 20:34

Leaving it in the past sounds great, except you've described that is very much part of and affecting your present. Your flashbacks for one are not in the past yet (hopefully one day they will be, but they're not right now).

My personal view is that there's no such thing as "moving on"; our past shapes us and is carried with us. Acknowledging that isn't weakness or attention seeking or whatever negative aspersion people may cast on it, it's just reality.

We can move forward, but only by addressing the past as you've gradually been work towards as you find the strength and resources to process it. That's to be commended, and I think sharing with him what is going on for you would be a courageous and positive step forward.

You're right, it wasn't your fault and you don't need to be ashamed. Keeping it a secret will just keep reinforcing to yourself that it is somehow shameful. Injuries aren't shameful, and that's what PTSD is.

I don't know if you've come across it, but there's a book about compassion focused therapy by Deborah Lee. "The compassionate mind approach to recovering from trauma using compassion focused therapy". I wonder if you might find it helpful. It's an accessible read, imo.

I found it really helpful for understanding the shame and self blame I felt, among other things, and some of the ideas you've expressed about yourself and that quite intense criticism you've written towards yourself because of your thoughts of sharing your difficulties with somebody you want to share your life with reminded me of this book. Could be worth checking out and maybe dipping in and out of any parts you find helpful.

Take care.