Would you tell your DP if something terrible had happened to you a long time ago?

[Turquoisebra]

I don’t want to go into detail but something really bad happened to me when I was 21, so nearly 20 years ago. It was in another country when I was travelling and when I managed to leave the situation and get home, I just wanted it to disappear and also I didn’t want the knowledge of what had happened to me to hurt my parents, so I didn’t really tell anyone except for a couple of my best friends.

I’ve had a few long term relationships since then and never told them. I’m not sure why, I think mainly because I didn’t want them to think I was looking for sympathy with a ‘sob story’ or for them to maybe see me differently. And a big part of me didn’t want to acknowledge it as a thing at all, because I didn’t want the people who had done it to ‘win’ by letting it affect me. Although of course it did affect me and I was diagnosed with PTSD by a depression and anxiety service a few years ago. I ended up not having the CBT they offered though because I was dealing with some big life changes at the time and couldn’t devote the time to it.

Now I’m with the person I hope to spend the rest of my life with, and I’ve been feeling as though maybe I should tell him, because although I never talk about it I do think about it every day and it’s affected me in that I have anxiety and nightmares and flashbacks sometimes, and I sometimes wish he knows it was because something happened to me to make me that way, not that it’s just the way I am. I’ve decided to get some counselling about it soon as well and am on a waiting list.

Maybe that’s partly why I’m wondering if I should tell my DP about it. And also I suppose it almost feels dishonest or secretive or something. I feel like I want him to really know me even though part of me is worried that he might reject me if he knows I’m ‘damaged’. I know this is irrational because what happened wasn’t my fault, but it’s still worrying me.

So, should I tell him, or leave it in the past? Part of me thinks, what’s the point in telling him? What good would it do? What do I hope to achieve by it? My life has been mostly ok keeping it to myself so perhaps I should carry on.

Yes exactly that. It’s not affecting me daily though like you. I’ve buried it and only think about it every so often. It’s not stopped me doing anything. I worry once I say the words it will be a thing.

I've told my DP about the emotional abuse and controlling behaviour that I went through in my marriage because it took a while for me to adjust to being in a healthy and loving relationship.

It certainly upset and angered him but it made us much closer and we have a very open and honest relationship. My marriage was full of secrets and lies and being direct and truthful is bliss.

Obviously you can't predict how he will react, but what happened to you is part of your history and if you can share then I think it might help you.

@AnoukSpirit, thank you, I will look for that book.

P.s. I'd love to think your life could be better than "mostly ok" a few years from now with all the steps you're taking.

Finally starting to trust people with the trauma I'd spent a few decades pretending had never happened was one of the turning points for me towards actually healing, and things changing.

I'm not suggesting you go out and tell the world (I certainly didn't!) but I do think there is huge value in having relationships where you can trust people with the things that have hurt you and the things you struggle with. It's a positive risk to take.

@doidontimmm I understand

If it's affecting you now, then you should tell him. If he's worth loving then he'll do nothing but sympathise and do what he can to help.

Before having the conversation, have a quick think about what he can do, if anything, to help, and let him know.

I chose not to tell my DH stuff about my past. I don’t want to hurt and upset him, or watch him cry over what happened to me. I don’t want him to see me as a victim or think of me differently. I don’t want him to raise the subject or ask about it because I prefer to be in control of all knowledge about the issue. I choose to leave it in the past and try not to think about it because I don’t see how dragging it up will help. Other people of course make a different decision. It’s up to you really.

@LewisMam I completely relate to that. I sometimes think, this has hurt me so much, I don’t want it to hurt anyone else by telling them, hence why I never told my parents even though I could have done with some support at the time

@Sethis I think if I do tell him, you’re right, I need to be able to let him know what he can do to help otherwise he might just not know what to say or do and it could be really difficult for both of us

I told my DH, yes. It needed to be said really as I’d started having panic attacks and other issues (PTSD related) so I told him why.
He was kind about it, or he wouldn’t be my DH .
I think if something happened that is causing you trauma still then it is a big thing to keep from him, as it will have an impact on you, and if he knows then he can be gentle and supportive if you have a bad patch at any point. A traumatic birth experience can bring old trauma to the surface again for instance.

If you are worried about telling him, how about writing it all in a letter and telling him to read it and you go to have a bath/cuppa or something, and then let him come to you?

You can write that you are not looking for sympathy, but that you wanted him to know.

I told DH basically because I was getting upset and it was obvious something weird was going on.

I think I just took a deep breath and blurted it out at high speed.

I was worried he was going to dump me (we were dating then) but he didn't and with hindsight, if he had then it wouldn't have worked as a relationship anyway.

I've shared more stuff over time and we really understand each other now.

@30birthdayholiday that’s actually an interesting idea... that way I know that I’ve explained it the way I want to. I have a fear of expressing it badly as I’m saying it which would make me feel really shit, or of getting too emotional perhaps. Writing it down could work, and it would give him time to think about how to respond as well

I’m sorry to read your story, OP. I was you 20 years ago as well, I think (also abroad). I told people at the time though. I have also told my now DH. I think because I had dealt with it at the time (counselling, etc.) I was quite matter of fact and measured about it with him. He reacted the same way. I know he felt for me but it isn’t a big deal for me anymore and so it isn’t for him either. I wouldn’t have considered not telling him: I thought he needed to know about a significant part of what has made me, ‘me’.