Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to ask DH to postpone night out?

58 replies

Thatsnotmypony · 15/11/2018 17:56

I've been around for years (penis beaker, naice ham, old korean lady etc) but have name-changed for this. I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or not as I'm completely exhausted so may not be thinking rationally.

I had a baby just over 2 weeks ago and also have a 5 year old. DH has gone back to work and is out of the house from 7am until 7pm (at the earliest, often closer to 8pm) every day.

I developed an infection so this week I have been prescribed a course of strong antibiotics which are doing their job but unfortunately have knocked me for six with unpleasant side effects including drowsiness (just what I need with a sleepless newborn!), nausea, headaches and diarrhoea. I've got a few days left until I finish the course. Have also been feeling quite low and been really tearful the past couple of days. I don't think I'm depressed, I think it's the antibiotics as for some reason they always make me feel emotional but I'm sure the tiredness and hormones are making it worse.

Last week DH's friends decided they needed a night out to "wet the baby's head" and he was getting lots of messages on their group WhatsApp trying to fix a date. He asked me if it would be ok and I agreed as at the time I was feeling ok so they have arranged to go out this weekend. DH rarely goes out but when he does (especially with these friends in particular) will be on a bit of a mission and be very hungover and frankly useless the next day. No big deal as it's a rare occurrence but right now I feel so ill and so, so tired. After struggling to cope on my own all week I just want some help and to catch up on some sleep this weekend.

Would I be unreasonable to ask that they postpone their night out until I'm off these vile tablets, free of the infection and things have settled down a bit? DH works really hard and is absolutely brilliant with both DC when he's here so I don't begrudge him the odd night out. I just feel like I'm drowning right now Sad

OP posts:
ZaphodBeeblerox · 15/11/2018 20:05

But of an overreaction to LTB for this. He isn’t a mind reader! Just ask him and see what he says! My DH would be like this too, and on the day would definitely cancel, but wouldn’t occur to him to think that far ahead.

Original poster
Thatsnotmypony · 15/11/2018 20:09

Eva he can't just ring his boss and say he needs the day off work tomorrow because his wife is feeling ill. He's just had 2 weeks off on paternity leave and has clients coming from the other side of the country to meet with him.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 15/11/2018 20:14

Aww, the poor ickle mens who can’t be expected to notice their partner is feeling like shit and desperately need a break from looking after a TWO WEEK OLD BABY. Shame on OP for not actually asking him and assuming he might think of cancelling all by his ickle self.Hmm

rachelfrost · 15/11/2018 20:14

You need help and he sounds like a nice guy so just ask him. You’re tired and unwell and the last thing you need is to start resenting your partner. Hopefully he’ll postpone and as his friends have kids they should understand. Good luck

Bodear · 15/11/2018 20:19

Just talk to him, he’s probably not thinking straight either. If you tell him what you need and he doesn’t step up, that’s a different story.
Sorry you’re feeling so rubbish x

Quartz2208 · 15/11/2018 20:24

just tell him

Original poster
Thatsnotmypony · 15/11/2018 20:40

But of an overreaction to LTB for this

I'm not going to leave him. I'm just feeling hurt but I'll get over it.

OP posts:
gigantus · 15/11/2018 20:57

The last thing you need is a fall out with your DH when you are exhausted and ill. Yes he should have thought but often it's best to be direct. Just tell him tonight so he can let his friends know. There's no way you are going to be up to this on Saturday. If he's supportive and in agreement there's no need to quietly seethe and then have an argument. What do either of you gain?

If he's not supportive or in agreement......well that's a whole different ballgame!

Original poster
Thatsnotmypony · 15/11/2018 21:56

So I told him that I really feel like I'm not coping, and that the thought of him being out and then out of action due to a hangover for most of the weekend was making me feel even worse. His response was "well, hopefully you'll be feeling better by then". I pointed out that I'm not likely to feel better until I actually get some sleep and a break from taking care of the baby alone all day. To which he responded "well I'll be around most of Saturday and don't worry I'm not planning on being hungover all day Sunday". I pointed out that he never plans on it but it's what always happens when he goes out with this group of friends and he got all defensive. I feel like the only appropriate response would have been something along the lines of "of course I won't go if you're still feeling ill".

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 15/11/2018 22:08

Then he needs to give you a break tomorrow night and tonight to get some sleep

he is acting particularly well is he - please dont just get over it without actually telling him that he needs to support you in this

Singletomingle · 15/11/2018 22:21

Yanbu to ask him to postpone however maybe he is a little caught up in the excitement of a night out with his mates. You say he rarely goes out and his mates are all married so it maybe that postponing is simply cancelling.

Sciurus83 · 16/11/2018 04:19

"I am asking you to postpone because I need you here. You need to tell them now that you are not going. You are being really selfish". End.

masterandmargarita · 16/11/2018 06:59

If he's so keen to wet the baby's head he can give it a bath. Hate that tradition.

PuppyMonkey · 16/11/2018 07:28

Yep, as I suspected he’s not the decent but dim chap everybody on here was assuming is he?Hmm

Original poster
Thatsnotmypony · 16/11/2018 07:36

I've made it clear that I don't want him to go. He keeps saying "you might feel better by Saturday" and has the front to be offended by my assumption that he's going to be hungover and useless on Sunday despite history telling us this is almost certainly going to be the case.

To be honest I wish I'd never brought it up because now I'm feeling frustrated and resentful on top of being ill and tired. He keeps asking me "what's wrong?" but I've fucking told him exactly what's wrong, nothings magically been fixed because he's offered to change the baby or made me a cup of tea or told me not to worry as "things will get easier". I don't need platitudes or for him to hold the baby for five minutes before he goes to work, I need a proper break. I need proper rest or this infection isn't going to clear and I'm going to end up having to take another course of these awful tablets. I've told him that this is my worry and he just says "well hopefully you'll start to feel better soon".

OP posts:
Original poster
Thatsnotmypony · 16/11/2018 07:38

PuppyMonkey we've been together for over ten years and this is the first time I've ever felt really let down by him. It's very disappointing.

OP posts:
MeteorMedow · 16/11/2018 07:42

I’m sorry OP, you’re feeling terrible and this is making you feel worse.
Sounds like your DP isn’t tuned into how emotional/ physically difficult recovering from birth is. I think you need to spell it out for him ‘ok well let’s assume you aren’t going out and let your mates know you probably won’t be but IF I do feel better I will let you know and you can go. Please don’t ask me if I feel better repeatedly on Saturday though as that will make me feel very pressurised’

MsJolly · 16/11/2018 07:49
Flowers
Quartz2208 · 16/11/2018 07:52

Get him to give you the proper rest tonight - tell him of course you arent going to be better because he isnt giving you the chance to rest. Tell him whats wrong is that you feel let down by him and disappointed that a night out is worth more than your health

Quartz2208 · 16/11/2018 07:52

Tonight just go to bed and make him do it all

HillyMillylunchmunch · 16/11/2018 07:53

As a halfway could you get a promise from him that regardless of what hungover state he may or may not be in he will need to be in charge of children from 8 am on the Sunday?
Is not ideal at all, and I agree he should be cancelling, but this way you have been generous to him as well as guaranteeing some proper rest for yourself, and there's a chance he'll have a really miserable time on Sunday to punish him for being selfish.

I know what you mean about him being a good guy but letting you down. My partner is a also a really good guy and when on the odd occasion he does something selfish it really throws me as I'm so unused to it and I wonder what's going on in his head to make him act out of character.

You could try asking your DH this - tell him you'd normally have expected him to cancel the night out so you want to understand why this one is so important to him.

One final thought, if he keeps saying you might feel better by sat night you could get him to agree to be in charge of the children all day Saturday then he'll be too tired to go out himself but if you're still not feeling better then he'll cancel at eg 5pm Saturday.

wineytimey · 16/11/2018 07:54

I would be mortified if my DP acted like this.

anniehm · 16/11/2018 08:21

Depends if you can cope or not, mine worked similar hours - no paternity leave then either, alone with a newborn and an autistic 2 year old 2 days after having dd wasn't easy! Yes on the Friday (dd was born on Tuesday) he went out for drinks! I would explain how bad you feel and ask he is back by a certain time

Original poster
Thatsnotmypony · 16/11/2018 11:26

Depends if you can cope or not, mine worked similar hours - no paternity leave then either, alone with a newborn and an autistic 2 year old 2 days after having dd wasn't easy! Yes on the Friday (dd was born on Tuesday) he went out for drinks!

That must have been hard annie. I've always thought of myself as a 'coper' but I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. I didn't feel like this after I had my first baby. I'm annoyed with myself for not being able to just get on with things but I just keep crying for no reason.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 16/11/2018 12:08

I disagree you should not have to cope with him going out when he can cope even better not going out

OP please get a drs appointment to discuss PND