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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 5 days was enough time for a reply?

46 replies

FeckingEll · 15/11/2018 16:54

Sent an email recently, to a close relative I have been NC with for the last few years, offering an olive branch, suggesting to leave the past in the past (I was the wronged party BTW). Christmas coming up etc.

It was sent on a Wednesday. I was on complete tenterhooks waiting for a reply and it was unbearable. It took a lot to send it in the first place.

After 5 days, previous experience told me that I was probably not going to get a reply and I was pretty angry that I'd humiliated myself again so I sent another email basically saying fine, fuck you kind of thing.

I got an almost immediate response then saying that because of the email I'd just sent there was no hope of a reconciliation and it was all my fault etc.

So WIBU to not wanted to wait any longer for a reply I probably wouldn't have got in the first place!

OP posts:
Original poster
FeckingEll · 15/11/2018 16:56

The person I emailed can see emails pop up on phone straight away BTW and was unlikely to be out of Internet range for that time scale.

OP posts:
ThunderInMyHeart · 15/11/2018 17:00

YABU.

5 days isn’t that long to process things and surely if you were genuine aboutpatching things up the second email couldn’t have been within your capability.

It’s done now anyway.

PumpkinSpiced · 15/11/2018 17:00

If it was an olive branch, they have the choice to reply as and when — and maybe not to reply at all. I think your follow up email (if it was indeed ‘fxxk you’) was childish and I’d probably not bother after that either.

YourMilkshakeIsBetterThanMine · 15/11/2018 17:01

I'd say YABU. It sounds like an email that required a fair amount of processing time.

Original poster
FeckingEll · 15/11/2018 17:02

Not literal fuck you no.

I would have thought a quick response like 'give me time to think about it' would have been considerate no?

OP posts:
Tomboytown · 15/11/2018 17:02

What do you expect if you send someone a fuck you email? Confused

MuddyMoose · 15/11/2018 17:03

I wouldn't of sent the follow up email. Offering an olive branch is sending one message or letter or whatever & then leaving it in their hands. Whether they chose to reply the following day, month or never. Your second message would of made you come across very immature & probably dug up old emotions for them & for you.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 15/11/2018 17:06

Hmmm, email could have been missed, gone into junk, ..

Yes, they could have sent a brief acknowledgment but maybe you could have sent a second saying “could you at least as knowledge please” rather than a virtual “well fuck ya then”

Five days after a few years is nothing but that’s all irrelevant now as it looks like the bridges have been burned for good. :(

ChaosMoon · 15/11/2018 17:06

If you're NC, you don't know what's going on in their lives. (Sure, you may get reports from others but you won't hear everything. You wouldn't even if you were in contact.)

So they could have had stuff going on. They could also have been trying to get their head around it and drafting a reply, taking their time so that they didn't put their foot in it. In which case, their response seems reasonable if they've just got an abusive message from you.

I can understand why you felt as you did, but I'm afraid the second message was unreasonable.

mamansnet · 15/11/2018 17:07

I agree with milkshake. It's not often that anyone bothers to apologise to me (I must always be in the wrong) but on the odd occasion I've had communication from someone after a falling out, it takes me at least a day or two to process it, think over what I want to say and then wait for the right time and mindset to write it. That's just after a minor falling out.

In this case, I can understand your impatience as you put yourself out there and desperately wanted to know the reaction, but it definitely needed more time.

Time to put it past you and move on, especially if you were the wronged party in the beginning.

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/11/2018 17:07

If I had an email out of the blue from someone I'd been NC with, I'd be thinking for more than 5 days about whether I wanted to be involved with them again to any degree. You believe yourself to be the wronged party, but the fact that you went NC suggests that they hadn't apologised and therefore they felt themselves to have been wronged too. You've had time to consider whether to offer an olive branch - they weren't expecting it, and they need time to consider whether to accept.

FeedMeTikka · 15/11/2018 17:10

Yabu, I understand your frustration embarrassment at feeling your email was rejected but you wasn’t owed any response.

sonjadog · 15/11/2018 17:15

Yeah, 5 days was too short to send up a follow up mail like that. I would have left it until after Christmas. People need time to process things.

Original poster
FeckingEll · 15/11/2018 17:16

It was actually to my mother.

She has had contact with my DC who were conflicted and I wanted to clear the way for them not to be.

She went NC with me.

OP posts:
Elfinablender · 15/11/2018 17:18

No, I don't think five days is too long to consider how to respond to someone who, up until that moment, was out of your life for good.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 15/11/2018 17:18

She went NC with me.

Can you tell us why?

Elfinablender · 15/11/2018 17:19

Sorry, it takes me forever to type and I cross posted. I think thisust be really hard if this is your mum and I can see why you felt burned by the lack of response.

saganorenscarandcoat · 15/11/2018 17:20

I think you're in the right. Who sits on an important email for 5 days???

Sirzy · 15/11/2018 17:21

How long did you spend thinking about it before sending the initial email?

Sometimes things can’t be rushed

LordPickle · 15/11/2018 17:23

I understand why you sent the 2nd email. You put yourself out there with the 1st email and they ignored you so you probably experienced a whole range of negative emotions. Then you fired off the 2nd email and got an immediate response which was negative which tells me that they had no intention of patching things up to begin with. If they jumped on the 2nd email immediately then that tells you all you need to know. I'm sorry OP.

Original poster
FeckingEll · 15/11/2018 17:24

Phew. Thank you. I left out who it was deliberately but it does alter it a bit doesn't it?

I put myself out there and I at least expected an acknowledgement. I made it clear I only expected a cordial relationship so my DC weren't conflicted about having a relationship with her for their sake.

OP posts:
mytieisascarf · 15/11/2018 17:25

So your mother did something awful....then she went no contact with you...then you ask her for a reconciliation...then she ignores you for 5 days.... I think you have probably dodged a bullet.

SirGawain · 15/11/2018 17:25

You were not unreasonable to expect a reply in five days but you were very foolish to sent the second email at all. Clearly your wish to reconcile does not seem very sincere.

Lweji · 15/11/2018 17:30

Why did she go NC with you?

Although her reply seems more like an excuse. But, do you have form for the sort of outburst of your second email?

Blanchedupetitpois · 15/11/2018 17:30

I don’t think 5 days was enough, but I also think their response shows there was no hope of reconciliation anyway. If they wanted to, they would have tried to change your mind, not flipped blame on to you by saying it was because of your second email that there was no prospect of reconciliation.

They sound selfish and cruel OP. I hope you can move on and be happy.