Return to work

[CraZzymuMMy]

We have just had our first child and I am on maternity. I have a demanding job but only on minimum wage. Dp thinks I should return to work as this will set a good example for dc. I do not want to return to work. I think it's pointless me working just to pay someone else to look after dc (would have about 150-200 a month left) I want to wait until he is 3 get some free hrs and get a part time job. I tried to tell dp if dc is sick I still would have to pay for nursery but I will not get paid. I would rather be a sahm and not miss out on all the firsts aibu

I totally understand. All I can suggest is that you keep talking though because, if these decisions don't please both members of the couple, resentment can occur and fester.

Thanks for the response. It caught me off guard as I have been saying this since I was pregnant and he has been fine with it. Don't know what has changed ill try and talk to him later.

I doubt that at the age of 0-3, a child will be able to grasp the 'good example' set by you working. I think there is an argument there when it comes to older children, but it seems silly to use that as an argument for such a young child, particularly when financially it won't really benefit you much to go back (coupled with the fact you don't want to in the first place.) Presumably money isn't his concern?

Presumably he'll be paying half the nursery costs and taking time off too when your child is ill?

Thought not

Could you get an evening job while your child is in bed? I left my old job and now have a job in the evening so I get to be with her all day. Best of both worlds

Can you survive as a family on just your partner's wage? Are you married? If not you would be unwise to take a career break and damage your earning potential. It's worth considering that regardless to be honest - it won't necessarily be as simple as getting a job when your baby turns 3. Could you compromise and go part time?

You say 'DP' rather than 'DH'. Giving up work and being financially dependent on someone that you're not married to is a potentially risky strategy.

I appreciate that you may not want to go back but could you look at a p/t role now and keep your hand in? You may only be a few hundred pounds 'up' after childcare but think longer term about pension contributions and how easy it might be to get back into the workplace after 3 years off. It's not impossible and many women do it but it can be more difficult.

We are not married but have been together for 15 years. He earns enough so we will be comfortable. Our wages get paid into a joint account so it doesn't matter who pays what we would still only have a couple of hundred pound extra each month. I have various contacts from my former carer where I earned a lot more. I know I would be able to get a job in 3 years (possibly a better one I have now) he just thinks it would set a better example. I can't remember if my parents worked before I was 3.i just dont see the point of working to earn enough to pay someone else to look after our child.

It's not just about setting a good example. I have worked and been a sahm. I don't believe either automatically sets a good example.

But this needs to be a joint decision. Also I would be reluctant to take the hit on future earnings, especially if not married.

I am assuming you jointly own/rent your property.

Why not start that better career no e, or before you had the child.

I think you will be surprised how much can change in 3 years and it may not be as easy as you think.

I know I would be able to get a job in 3 years (possibly a better one I have now)

^You are being a bit naive here. I know professional women who have struggled to get back in the workplace after a few years

I would not give up my job if I wasn't married. It's a big risk to take. Leaving the workplace for a few years is a big risk - it means you're not contributing to your pension or building up any kind of work history, and you've not got the security of marriage to fall back on. Your DP could leave tomorrow and you'd be in a whole heap of trouble.

Whose name is the house in? Do you have your own savings and enough money to support yourself if the relationship was to go wrong? As it stands you and your child have zero financial protection in the event of a break-up.

Something else to consider is that childcare in early years is relatively easy - nurseries open 51 weeks a year and regular hours.

Fast forward to pre-school and then school and you have school holidays and a short school day to worry about - not to mention assemblies, nativity and sports day that 'require' you to be there. This makes it even harder for women to return to work if they want to work around school hours.

It is often easier to negotiate some flexibility in your working patterns when you have been with a Company for some time rather than new in after a 3-year career break.

Our wages get paid into a joint account so it doesn't matter who pays what

Sorry to be the voice of doom but this ^^ can be changed by one quick email to HR.

You've clearly been together for a long time but do make sure that you have financial security if the worst happened.

I think there are a lot of things to consider.

Pension contributions etc are one. Getting back onto work is another. If you have another child you won't be paid maternity and presumably you'll want to stay at home with them too...suddenly you've got a 5 year gap on your cv.

It's easier to try and work and then give it up than try being a sahp and find work again. It's also usually easier to ask your current job to go part time than fnd a new part time one.

You'd also have to get agreement from your husband on household chores and weekends etc as frm reading mumsnet it appears that lots of parents who are th working parent expect to do nothing in the home (chores or child related) if they're subsidising a sahp

He does plenty of chores. More now than when we were both working. I'm up with the baby at nights as I'm bf he leaves me in bed on a Sunday morning I always make sure there is some expressed in the fridge for his first couple of feeds. My job is very stressful and I wouldn't be able to cope with night feeds and working a 9 hour day. My boss said he is happy for me to do part time but can't find any local nurserys that accept children under 2-3 for half days.

It's not just your choice, whether he earns enough to keep you is mute as he has to want to and he is clearly telling you he should not prepared to be the sole earner.

If you truly believe you could walk into a better job after a three year break you'd be doing it now to have more left after childcare.

If you go ahead anyway despite him saying no, are you prepared for him to walk? I would if my partner saw me as a bank account that financed their wants.

Unfortunately you don't have a choice.
If you were married your DH's wages would be yours to share, but as you're not, your DP could quite legitimately refuse to give you any money to spend whilst you're a SAHM (I.e. he could buy nappies, food etc, but be unwilling to let you have any money for coffee/tampax/bus fares/make-up/whatever).
Partners have no legal obligation to support each other.
He is telling you that he is unwilling to support you as a SAHM, therefore you need to go back to work and support yourself.

Could you use a child minder? Where I live the going rate is £3.50 an hour and they do half days xxx

Just to be clear there are no ultimatums. I supported him when I was earning double what he was. I just dont want to work to pay someone to watch my child grow up. We are comfortable have a nice house low mortgage and car. I am on minimum wage so I couldn't get a worse job. I have no particular preferences for work if we needed the money I would do anything. the point of me not working is to look after our child myself rather than pay someone else to do it.

Could you try something new instead such as a stay at home job or your own business? Could you work flexibly such as working a Saturday or evenings when DP is home? I wouldn't be solely reliant on any partner because I think it creates a bad dynamic.

I personally would keep my job as your not married and your DP doesn't seem that on board with your plan. Also I personally think you spend alot of money when you have a baby and are at home (well I did anyway!) because your going out for lunch to meet people and out to different places to pass the time and get out of the house. I was on unpaid leave for a few months after my maternity leave and hated having to rely on DH's wages, and I knew that I would be back on full pay in a few months.

I would take these years to do extra. Qualifications if you leave work, if I could afford it and the difference in working and not working was £200 I would sahm - in fact I had the luxury of voluntary redundancy which I started 5 weeks after returning which gave me a years salary tax free and did use that to stay off till ds was 2.5 and totally enjoyed it, was lucky had built up a lot of experience so getting a new job was no problem - hence suggesting you build qualifications in your time out of work.

What was discussed before you got pregnant? I can see his point, I’d be very annoyed if my husband unilaterally decided to give up an income that contributed to our shared household.

As an unmarried mother, you’re in a tenuous position without and income if the relationship ended, or if your boyfriend changed his will behind your back.

Is the house in both your names? How would you cover your share of the mortgage? What’ll you do for a pension?

The more I think about it, the more I agree with him. A single woman giving up work in your circumstances is leaving herself open to poverty, and setting a poor example when all of this can be avoided.

Had you even discussed this before getting pregnant? My husband and I are TTC and we've already discussed what the plans are WRT to childcare, hours, returning to work, shared bank accounts and the like. So we're already on the same page. No way would I drop the bombshell that I wanted to be a SAHM after the baby was already here.

I do get your feelings, I really do. I want to be a SAHM as well, but please don't give up work without some kind of financial protection in place. Giving up work as a single woman (as legally, you're single) is extremely risky. You're not paying into a pension, earning your own income and are going to be completely reliant on your partner. What if, God forbid, he gets injured and can no longer work, or dies? It does happen. You won't be entitled to widows' allowance, you probably won't be entitled to his pension either.

Even if you look at more likely scenarios - what if he loses his job and decides to do a runner? What if you break up? How are you going to support yourself as a single parent who hasn't worked in 3 years? Or 5 years? He'll only be liable for child support - he has no obligation to support or house you.

Please if you do this, consider getting married. It only costs £200-odd down the registry office, but it gives you a massive amount of protection as a SAHP. I would never even consider giving up work if I wasn't married - in fact, it was a prerequisite to having children for me. No unprotected sex outside of marriage (even though we lived together and were engaged) because I needed that legal protection in place first.