Auntie being pushy with her parenting methods. Am I disrespectful / bu?

[Mummblebee]

I have an auntie who has been incredibly supportive towards me and my 7mo dd. Very generous with time money and council. During this time however she has also given a lot of unsolicited advice and been quite pushy with it. Eg telling me not to pick up dd when she is crying and not to hold her as she will get too used to it. So if I'm not feeding or changing her she will go on and on about putting her down and leave her to cry. My style is more toward "attachment parenting" I have realised. If dd is crying I will see to her in a reasonable time as soon as possible. Literally everytime I see this auntie she is constantly pushing her way on me and I find it so irritating that I try to limit my time spent at her house and don't go around to see her as much as she would like because Im not very good at being assertive, so my way of managing that situation is basically to just try and limit contact. To be honest I find she undermines me quite insessently and I find it both tiring and irritating.
Said Auntie asked me to come to her house for the afternoon to help her out with something. I went over as she has done a lot for me and I want to try and be more helpful and generous which is something I'm working on. Whilst at her house whilst she was yet again repeating how I should leave dd to cry if she is changed and fed so I can get on with things, the conversation led on and I mentioned my dd had bit me whilst feeding and auntie said "did you smack her?" I said no and she said "youre silly. You should just tap her so she knows.. Not hard. You want her to be a good baby etc etc". I kind of brushed it off but didn't sternly address it in anyway. I don't plan on smacking my dd, even lightly and would not tolerate anyone else doing this. I just thought to myself.. OK well I won't be leaving dd with you then as its clear she has a very different parenting style than me.
A few hours passed and dd had a good day.. Towards the end she started to get fussy and started crying and auntie sat in front of her and just said "I'm not picking you up. No I'm not picking you up" and dd just sat there crying. I went over and picked her up and as I was walking away with dd in my arms auntie patted her twice on the bum! I kind of erupted in anger and said "don't do that!" and she was startled and said "what.. That? (did it again lightly) and I said" "no I don't like it". I was very angry. She just said oh "you don't like it. I'm sorry". She then used her fist and banged the couch twice next to where me and dd were sitting.. As if to tell dd she is naughty for crying. I didn't say anything.. Very annoyed and not wanting to say something I would regret in a disrespectful way to an auntie who has been really supportive but unfortunately just does does things in a different way to me that I really don't like. I put dds coat on and we left.

BTW this aunties two daughters are my dds godmothers. I saw them the next evening and they basically told me there mum was very upset as she was playing with my dd and I snapped at her. They basically told me not to speak to their mum like that again and I over reacted and was disrespectful. I have said I will apologise to the mum today. I'm very upset about the whole thing. I'm starting to notice a pattern.. I do have a bit of a complex of thinking people are undermining me when it comes to dd whether rightly or wrongly so I am aware of this.

AIBU? How would you handle this?

Thank you

Do not apologise. She was in the wrong and there is nothing to apologise for. She crossed your boundary and you told her so. She's pushing back. If you apologise she'll do it again. Never mind your cousins this is about protecting your daughter. Frankly your auntie sounds abusive. Who smacks a 7 months old. Ridiculous!!

See less of this person. A lot less.

You need to tell her that she parented her way and you will parent your way. Anyone that struck my baby would be out of our lives, but I am guessing you will not go that far.

Your aunties views on children seem very odd - smacking a 7 month old baby for crying?!

YANBU to completley ignore this.

But

It sounds like your auntie is otherwise a good person in your life. I think you could have handled it better by explaining that you don’t believe in hitting children, or letting them cry, and you’ll be doing things your way

I'd see a lot less of her.

You seem to have a lot of people in your life telling you what to do and how to be. Just be you.

I feel you erupted in anger because you have so much suppressed anger for over Auntie instructing you to parent in a way you don't want to. To be honest, I can see it from Auntie's point of view. She probably thinks she has been really helpful giving new mum advice, but then she suddenly gets raged at. From your point of view it came from a slow burn that has been building for a while, from her point of view it came from no-where.

If you want to resolve this you need to speak honestly with her and say that this is your baby, you have your have decided how you want to parent. Don't criticise her methods, nothing good will come from that, just say she raised her children her way and now it is your turn to raise them yours. I wouldn't apologise for stopping her smacking baby, but you could say sorry for snapping but explain why.

Your Auntie isn't a mind reader. Silently seething is going to move things forward.

Btw I parent like you and I think your Auntie's methods are awful. Personally I wouldn't leave my baby with her either if she is like that. But if you want to keep seeing her and your daughter to see her (accompanied) you probably need to have a chat about things.

You need to protect your daughter here.

Hitting small babies for wanting to be picked up is abusive. Don’t value politeness over your child’s welfare.

Absolutely do not apologise and please pick up your baby when it cries

Stop seeing this awful woman so much. And don’t apologise! You want to apologise to a woman who has smacked your baby?? (lightly or whatever!) why?!?!?

Maybe get some attachment parent information together too, so aunt can see how you want to parent. I'd look at gentle parenting too.Redooceanwave advice very good!!

Did you not just tell your cousins what you’ve said here? And explain that you’ve never said a bad word to her; you just let her advice go, but when she smacked your child that was the last straw?

It’s not difficult to say “I can ignore parenting advice I don’t agree with as our styles are different, but I won’t ignore smacking”

Really... you’re a grown woman with a child and that child will need advocating for for a good few years to come so you need to start opening your mouth instead of sitting meekly by. It’s time to grow up.

You do need to talk to your aunt. Her parenting suggestions are awful however she clearly loves you very much. I would be doing the “I am sorry if you were upset”. Then say you love her / care about her etc and know she only want the best for you. Explain you’ve found yourself biting your tongue several times because you want to parent your dd very differently. You will be picking her up when you decide you wish to and you don’t believe in smacking. Even if it is just a “tap”.

Thank you everyone.

I have taken it all on board.

Mummyoflittledragon

You do need to talk to your aunt. Her parenting suggestions are awful however she clearly loves you very much. I would be doing the “I am sorry if you were upset”. Then say you love her / care about her etc and know she only want the best for you. Explain you’ve found yourself biting your tongue several times because you want to parent your dd very differently. You will be picking her up when you decide you wish to and you don’t believe in smacking. Even if it is just a “tap”. will use this. Thank you!

See her less. I suspect you’ll be very busy in the next few months.

And please do NOT apologise.

As for the daughters, they be been old a different story. So are reacting to that.
You can just let it go to try and keep the peace.
Or stand up for yourself and your dd. Establish boundaries and pull the aunts up each time she offers unsolicited advice. And let the daughters know whatbhas actua happened instead of automatically say you will apologise and let youR aunt walk all over you.

Fwiw I think your aunt must have been quite surprised by your response. You’ve clearly never stand up for yourself before so it must have come as a shock to her. It doesn’t excuse the aggressivity when she hit the sofa. Or her doing the same thing again when yu asked her not to.

Do NOT apologise!

Are your cousins and auntie from another culture? Because that sounds very very different to most parent advice in 2018 in the UK.

Unfortunately it sounds like you don't have much confidence in yourself but maybe because you are sticking up for your daughter you will find some assertiveness from deep inside you.

Snapping doesn't help. Instead, try and tell your auntie very calmly and firmly that you have different ways of doing things. Believe in yourself that you are allowed to have these different ways! Do not be apologetic for them!

Personally I wouldn't see this woman very often at all as she sounds a complete nightmare. And very strange!

Are you very young yourself? You seem to be accomodating and apologising quite a lot. On one hand you know your baby, and are clear on your preferred parenting style. On the other hand you feel that because someone (auntie, godmothers) show you kindness, you are not allowed to have boundaries or be ‘normal level’ assertive?

Assertiveness and good relationships are NOT mutually exclusive. In fact they probable depend heavily on each other.

You don’t have to be serious or ernest when you set your boundaries, you can do it smilingly. But you must do it. It will only get worse, as they all figure out that they can boss you around and even get an apology out of you to boot! Nip it in the bud now.

Here are some phrases you might like to think about. The trick is to pick your own best phrases and just keep repeating them. Broken record style.

‘Oh auntie, just imagine what trouble we’d get into with the Health Visitor/GP/other parents if we used your old-fashioned baby tricks. Tee hee hee.’

‘Now, I have said we won’t be doing things that way, it’s getting a bit boring for everyone if I have to keep re-saying it’.

‘I appreciate how kind you’re being with baby xx, but you’re making it sound as if I have to do it your way if I want to see you? It would be so sad if we have to just make it a fortnightly visit, but I do think you’re just going to get stressed out if we make it more often’.

‘Here’s an interesting website/pamphlet/talk I heard about how much parenting has changed with recent research. Isn’t it wonderful how much they’ve learnt and changed. How did they handle xx in your day?’

And to her daughters: ‘Hey Doris, I’m glad you raised it. I was going to call you. You know how much your mum has helped us in these early months. I’m afraid it’s stressing her out a bit though. She is xx years old, after all. I’m thinking of cutting back the visits a bit. She’s finding it hard to catch up with all the new parenting rules. I don’t want her to feel ‘behind the times’ so maybe best if you guys spend more time with her, and we do a bit less until baby xx is older?’.

You get the gist.

Your aunt is out of order and you have no reason to apologise to her. Hold and cuddle your baby as much as you want. Your reaction was the result of all your uncomfortable feelings building up and then releasing at the shock of your baby being smacked. Totally understandable.

Rather than trying to be more generous and helpful - I think it would be better for you to work on your boundaries and assertiveness so you feel more comfortable explaining your views and following them through. A person can only safely be generous and helpful IF they can assert their boundaries - otherwise they can slip into acting like a bit of a door mat, with people taking advantage of their good intentions.

Think through a few short phrases - something like 'Thanks Aunty, however I find cuddling 'baby' works for me' or 'We're doing just fine as we are'.

People can offer a lot of unsolicited advice to mothers - don't take it to heart, ignore and continue parenting your baby your way, if their suggestions don't interest you.
Do you have other familiy members you could talk to about this - your Mum for example? Could she act as an intermediary ad basically tell her to back off a bit?
Maybe think about stepping away form you aunty and her DDs a little, just seeing them in other company rather than just you and her.

Yes like a pp, I was wondering if there is another culture involved here too. All this talk of being disrespectful and basically not being free to contradict advice from more 'senior' family members.

OP you need to try and be more assertive. Do not apologize for having your own parenting style. Just simply say, I am doing it this way thank you and if it's disregarded then don't go round. You can't allow your child to be smacked and ignored for the sake of being polite.

Your auntie is really manipulative. She knows you don't agree with her parenting ideas and she is still both pushing you to adopt them and acting them out directly on your baby. She also played the victim to her daughters, i bet you she misrepresented what happened to gain their sympathy and put more pressure on you.

You need to put your foot down now and draw a line that will never be crossed. If you give a tiny bit, by apologising, by acknowledging that your auntie is wise or was a good parent, etc. she will take a mile.

Nitpick, that's not assertive. You should be clear and direct, not hinting and giggling like a child
Op you are right. Do it your way. Is your mum around?

Thanks everyone. In answer to some of your questions yes my auntie and mum are from a different culture but I am born and raised in the UK. Mum would just agree with auntie so she can't be an intermediary - we have butted heads over the years for similar type of issues. In my culture no matter how old you are you will always be treated as a child. It's given me issues in being assertive and I can sometimes come across as aggressive when I do try and speak up for myself. My sister is the opposite and is completely passive.
I will need to learn how to be assertive but risk becoming a lepor to my own family because I don't plan on adopting any of there ways. Of course I would like the support but I'm just trying to navigate it in a way and parent how I feel comfortable.

Thanks all

"I have said I will apologise to the mum today. I'm very upset about the whole thing."

Do NOT apologize, but do talk to her, as others have said and you have said you will do.

Can I suggest you have the conversation on neutral territory. Go out to a cafe. That way you will not be in her home. And if you want to leave you can do.

What you say to your cousins is up to you, but I would say that you have not intentionally upset their mum. And although you do not want to upset their mum, you cannot have family members dictating to you how you raise your child.

I agree with Missingstreetlife " You should be clear and direct".

As you say yourself, don't leave your baby in the care of your aunt.

Yes, it was quite clear you were from a different culture but I'd try and keep culture out of it, my mum was British but of the generation where babies were let to cry, and left in prams outside the front door or outside a shop!

No one does that now and thankfully my mum never tried to dictate to me how to do things.

Big pants on, you can do it.

I wrote an apology and explanation..but just sent the apology and will leave it at that. Knowing my auntie ive decided that she is too stuck in her ways due to culture /age and my entire family would back her on this and call me disrespectful so it really isn't worth the hassle. I will keep a lot of distance between her and her dds from now on because it's clear they have a different mindset and I don't want to listen to the incessant nagging and being pushy.

OP your family, your choice. I am afraid I would be seeing very little of someone who behaved like your aunt. Her loss.

With people like this, stuck in their 'my ways are the right ways from the old days' the tactic is to nod, smile, say 'Hmm, interesting, I'll bear that in mind' and carry on with doing what you want to do. That is not to say you ignore good advice but if your method works for you and your child then no one else gets a say. Don't get into arguments about it and if they keep nagging just say ' it's not up for discussion - this is what I'm doing but thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.'