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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have kicked DM out of my house

35 replies

Hocusypocus · 14/11/2018 22:48

'D'M has been binge drinking for the best part of a decade and only ever bothers with me and my DS when she's at a loose end.

We have an underlined agreement that she's not to come to my home under the influence, she manages this %35 percent of the time and the other %65 she'll turn her phone off and not turn up, which is fine by me as I'd prefer she didn't come than to come in drink.

She called me at lunch time today to say she was coming to see us this evening at 6pm, she was sober and vowed to remain so for the rest of the day.

She was at her sisters, she enables DM to drink at her house even though she doesn't drink herself. In light of that, my aunt made a promise to me that she'd deter DM from coming to my place in drink and pre warn me if she knew she was going to. She didn't bother, instead happily waved a pissed DM off on her way to my place where I was getting ready for bed.

She turns up at 10:15 tonight and gets agitated when I remind her I don't want her at my home in drink, I'm pregnant and don't need the stress. An argument ensues which results in me opening the front door and demanding that she leaves, I'm visibly upset by this point.

She slinks off down the driveway shouting as she does.

Wibu to make her leave at this time of night and make her way home on public transport, she's 63.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 14/11/2018 22:51

Honestly I wouldn’t have her round at all. Arrange any meeting at a time and place where you can be more sure she will be sober.

Drogosnextwife · 14/11/2018 22:53

No ywnbu. Go to bed get a good night's sleep.

Singlenotsingle · 14/11/2018 22:54

Course you weren't U. She's the one who's U if she thinks she can turn up at yours in that state. And 63 isn't old. She could get a taxi.

Original poster
Hocusypocus · 14/11/2018 22:57

I've tried to implement a meeting in public rule before, but then she'll make an effort and I'll let my guard down again.

Now my anger has died down I'm feeling terrible for making her leave but the alternative would've been a continual atmosphere and me having to socialise with her through gritted teeth, whilst she talks crap.

Her drinking stresses me out beyond belief yet for some reason I desperately hold out for any fragment of time spent with her sober.

At the risk of sounding pathetic I just need my mum to be my mum once in a while Sad

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 14/11/2018 23:00

Unfortunately she may never be able to. She is clearly putting her relationship with alcohol above her relationship with you. You must put yourself and your needs first. Set clear boundaries and do not budge.
Have you ever contacted Al Anon?
And I’m sorry. Don’t feel terrible. You have done nothing wrong.

BMW6 · 14/11/2018 23:07

So sorry for you OP, you have done NOTHING WRONG. Your DM is an alcoholic. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

Original poster
Hocusypocus · 14/11/2018 23:25

I know about Al anon but am yet to go, it's definitely something I will do.

When she let's us down I tell myself I'm done with her but then I miss her terribly and continue to allow myself to play second fiddle.

I don't think she likes me very much because I refuse to be complicit and enable her drinking

OP posts:
TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 14/11/2018 23:28

So sorry for you OP, you have done NOTHING WRONG. Your DM is an alcoholic. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it

That is exactly right, but to add to it... your DM will never choose to sort this out for herself if she is enabled, tolerated and doesn't have loved ones being firm with her. By this I don't mean it's your responsibility to behave in a certain way; just that you shouldn't hide your disapproval. It saves you from dealing with her at her worst and may ultimately save her.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 14/11/2018 23:32

My exes father used to do this. Turn up drunk, usually demanding money. He started refusing him at the door. It’s the only thing you can do. You can call them a taxi if you are worried, but they might not want to take them if they are abusive anyway. So you did the right thing.

Plan how and when you want to see her. Maybe never at the house for a while?

Original poster
Hocusypocus · 14/11/2018 23:34

I actively voice my disapproval and absolutely refuse to accept and condone it, I'm quite militant about how I hate it and have gone above and beyond to try and force her to stop. I've realised I can no longer do that (force her to stop) but that doesn't stop me pushing her to do it herself.

Unfortunately I'm the only one who cares enough to make a stand, other relatives just sigh and roll their eyes.

I'm furious at her sister for having her round her house drinking, then waving her off to my place and not having the decency to pre warn me or tell her not to come.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/11/2018 23:47

You did the right thing, 1000%. My alcoholic is my brother. He's recovered now but I told him before he got sober that I did not want to see him nor speak to him if he had been drinking. He was not to come over nor to call me if he was not stone sober. It's the only way. They do not have the right to disrupt our lives. And to give into them and allow them around when they've been drinking only enables them, even if we don't give them one drop to drink ourselves. It tells them that it's ok to drink.

Remember:
You didn't cause this.
You can't control this.
You can't cure this.

TrippingTheVelvet · 14/11/2018 23:58

You need to enforce the boundaries as alcoholics don't have any. I wouldn't even answer the door if there was a chance she was drinking.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/11/2018 23:59

YWNBU at all.
Your mother and your aunt, on the other hand, were both entirely unreasonable.
Your mother may not be able to keep her promises - that's part of being an alcoholic - but your aunt has no such excuse.

Do go to AlAnon for support. And remember, when your baby is born, this will matter a LOT more to you, so it's better to keep your strong stance going now.

I totally agree that you shouldn't have to deal with this - but it is hard when it's your own mother. She will always put drink first until she reaches her own "end point" - at which time she may choose to sort herself out. There's no point in anyone else trying to push her to it though, she has to have the self-motivation for it.

Sorry you're going through this with her Thanks

Original poster
Hocusypocus · 15/11/2018 00:05

I will find my local Al-anon and aim to go along within the next couple of weeks.

It astounds me that I always end up being the unreasonable one in their eyes.

DM was adamant she wasn't that drunk, I said it matters not one bit what you say because you're clearly under the influence and I don't want to be around you in drink.

I WhatsApp'd the aunt and asked why she didn't warn me or deter DM from coming here when she left her house, her response was that she told her to take it easy. I replied "yes but you didn't tell me"

Then silence

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2018 00:13

Cut. Her. Out.

Your mother is an alcoholic and you are not responsible for that. Your focus and priority should be on your children. Your mother is poison to your life.

TrippingTheVelvet · 15/11/2018 00:22

I ended up enforcing a no contact rule when drinking. If there was any sign of drinking when on the phone I simply said, you know I won't talk to you when you've had alcohol. And then hung up. He eventually learned there was no point as I just didn't get into it or engage. My dad broke my heart with his drinking. He eventually died from alcohol poisoning and I hadn't spoke to him in the two days prior to his death. When he was sober we spoke at least twice a day. I'm still devastated he's gone - despite his drinking he was a good man. But I don't feel guilty. I needed to do that for my wellbeing and it wouldn't have changed the outcome.

Original poster
Hocusypocus · 15/11/2018 00:24

I absolutely agree that she is poison to my life.

The part I struggle with is actively letting go because I worry she'll end up dead soon and that thought haunts me.

I don't want to give one single toss about the selfish woman anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Hocusypocus · 15/11/2018 00:31

@TrippingTheVelvet I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad Flowers

I refuse to engage with my DM on the phone when she's s in drink too, she never calls me anymore and I suspect that is the reason why, although I'm astounded she had the gall to turn up here in drink when she knows I won't even entertain a phone call under them circumstances. I suspect she thought she could hide it, she can't. She always makes these facial expressions when she's had a drink so you can tell a mile off.

I like to think my DM is a good person aside the drinking but if I'm honest with myself she's not, not really. She's short tempered and does nothing but moan and back stab others so I do wonder what she says behind my back.

OP posts:
Nanalisa60 · 15/11/2018 00:48

I feel so sorry for you!! It is very painful to see someone you love behaving like that!! I think going to a Al-anon meeting will help you it may also make your mother realise the effect that her drinking is having on you and your family.

MLMsuperfan · 15/11/2018 00:50

Very sorry you have to deal with this.

Sounds like you did more than what is reasonable.

Be kind to yourself.

everydaymum · 15/11/2018 00:55

You can try Families Anon, they're geared towards supporting families of addicts, rather than the addict.

Original poster
Hocusypocus · 15/11/2018 01:00

I googled my local Al-anon and have found out when they hold meetings, I'm definitely going to go along.

I can't for the life of me begin to understand how somebody can prioritise a liquid above family. I have a beautiful DS and another on the way, if I wasn't enough they surely should have been.

She whinges about never having had anything good in her life and that hurts, it shows how much we mean to her.

OP posts:
Aridane · 15/11/2018 01:21

YANBU to prioritise you. / your family.

However, your mother is in the grips of the disease of alcoholism - and you need to work on not taking it personally (prioritising a liqquid over family, “have gone above and beyond to try and force her to stop” etc)

1forAll74 · 15/11/2018 02:15

I think that you did right removing your Mum from your home, so don't ever feel guilty about it. You simply cannot get to grips with an alcoholic person. If you are a caring person, you always want to try and help a big drinker, but its usually pointless. People are in a world of their own when totally drunk, and never think about others.

I had a partner some years ago, he was an alcoholic,and eventually beyond hope, despite me trying to get help for him he became abusive and refused to get help.. Eventually, the drink killed him, and I knew that this would happen one day.

EK36 · 15/11/2018 03:15

I think you did the right thing. Perhaps tell her she's only welcome in the morning's when she hasn't been drinking. Meeting in the evening seems impossible as its too long for her to go without alcohol. I think your aunt was probably glad to get rid of her by waving her off to yours!