To have kicked DM out of my house

[Hocusypocus]

'D'M has been binge drinking for the best part of a decade and only ever bothers with me and my DS when she's at a loose end.

We have an underlined agreement that she's not to come to my home under the influence, she manages this %35 percent of the time and the other %65 she'll turn her phone off and not turn up, which is fine by me as I'd prefer she didn't come than to come in drink.

She called me at lunch time today to say she was coming to see us this evening at 6pm, she was sober and vowed to remain so for the rest of the day.

She was at her sisters, she enables DM to drink at her house even though she doesn't drink herself. In light of that, my aunt made a promise to me that she'd deter DM from coming to my place in drink and pre warn me if she knew she was going to. She didn't bother, instead happily waved a pissed DM off on her way to my place where I was getting ready for bed.

She turns up at 10:15 tonight and gets agitated when I remind her I don't want her at my home in drink, I'm pregnant and don't need the stress. An argument ensues which results in me opening the front door and demanding that she leaves, I'm visibly upset by this point.

She slinks off down the driveway shouting as she does.

Wibu to make her leave at this time of night and make her way home on public transport, she's 63.

its not about you being enough.its a shit shitty illness.there is still the misconception with addiction that its a choice.like any other physical illness after a certain point it really isn't.would someoe do you think miss out on their babies life.live in squalor,steal,cheat to get drink.wake up and shaking because every part of you must.find.drink.
go pas the point knowing your dying your literaly poisoning yourself.and not be able to stop.they wouldn't they are very very poorly and it changes the brain function it changes the actions it canges the person.
this is not your mother thi is her illness.
the selfishness.the not caring.the not being your mum is her illness.
like other illness effect the liver or heart or limbs.addiction hurts the brain and mind and causes them to act on destroying themselves.
but this isn't your fault.this is nothing NOTHING NOTHING to do with you or you little ones worth. on her sober day I bet she aches to just escape this so she can be your mum.and sadly because she cant sto this never ending cycle then fuels the guilt and shame and she will then drink more.
but you are loveable.and a amazing daughter and are worthy of a brilliant mum.
something inside her will have to click for her to be able to stop this.and it is something often you can go and find or predict.and horbbly sometimes it doesn't happen.
you can only be there as much as you have though.
take care of your and your loved ones and that's all you can do at this point.

Could you write her a letter saying how it affects you, which she will read when sober. It’s up to her whether or not she drinks, but not fair to visit you in that condition, especially at that time of night when you have a little one and another on the way.

But I agree with previous posters that you should not take it personally. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you and your family. Just try to take a step backwards and accept that she will not be the mother you would wish her to be.

You did the right thing. Personally I'd contact DM when sober and say that whilst you truly hope for the best for her and that she finds the strength to be sober you have to prioritise your children and cannot have her in your life until she's done so. If other family kick off I would reiterate my point or be very blunt that unlike them you will not enable her. They may fill differently when they have pick up after her rather than packing her off to your place.

You did the right thing, OP. I don't tolerate my dm's drinking either. I can't stand that she'd rather drink than have a relationship with me or not ruin a special occasion.

Thank you for your kind replies

I've made the decision to step away from her for the time being and have sent a duplicate message to both her and her sister outlining why.

Her sister enables the problem by allowing it to happen under her roof thus sending the message that it's OK. We'd both agreed previously that it wouldn't be tolerated at either of our homes and we had a plan in place where we'd both be zero tolerance and continue to push mum to get help but I'm the only one making any noise and I don't need that burden.

Until now mum isn't physically dependent, god knows how, but she can and has gone entire weeks without drinking and been fine so I know it's doable for her. She has spent a week at my place with me and DS and done brilliantly, several days on other occasions, only to then decide to go and do it all over again. Her sister gives her money which she knows she'll spend on booze and that to me is enabling.

I've wished them both a happy Christmas but made it clear they'll not hear from me over the festive period because I'm absolutely drained from it all.

You’ve done the right thing. People always quote on here. You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it.
You can’t make someone stop drinking. You can’t force them to take help. You must put you and yours first. If that means going non contact (maybe for good) then that’s what needs to happen. You need to protect your family and your own mental health.
Good luck.

As has been said, it's not about someone choosing drink over you - she's in the grip of an addiction. It's not that you're not enough, it's not really about you at all!
She has an illness. Alcohol addiction is listed in the DSM 5 as a mental illness. It doesn't make dealing with the reality of her any easier, but it might make it easier to understand why she doesn't "just do something about it". She can't. Nothing has had sufficient impact on her yet to force her into considering change - and for some alcoholics, nothing ever will. :(

Al-Anon will help you with understanding all of this far better, and you'll hear stories from other alcoholic's family members that you will nod along to. It's a funny thing - I never used to think that group therapy would be something for me but (different situation) I found that it really does help to realise that the experiences you have had are not unique, and that you are not alone in what you are coping with.

Thank you, this thread gave me the push I needed to go to Al anon. I've known about it for a while but wasn't in a rush to go, I think the group setting spooked me a little.

We have group meetings nearby on a Tuesday and I'm planning to go along to my first this coming Tuesday

Excellent, I hope it helps you.

It's not you! I say that as the daughter of an alcoholic mother. I walk away when she's drinking. I don't let her spend time with me.

And I get where you are coming from, you want the mum that's loving and caring but this one puts drinking first and always will 💖