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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to deal with a persistently miserable, doom and gloom DH

50 replies

Boomah · 14/11/2018 21:01

Me and DH have been together 10 years, two kids. Hes on the spectrum, so can be hard to deal with anyway. He's always been abit of a miserable bugger but the last couple of years it's become almost unbearable. Politics, his work, his friends, his family, world events, everything is just doom and gloom and he constantly has to 'enlighten' me. Im scared to have an opposing opinion as he expects a full, masters degree level debate about everything. He's confrontational in his manner, no matter who the person is. No-one can simply say 'i agree/disagree'. He requires sources, and doesn't allow emotional or psychological events in someone's life override fact or factor in how it makes them think or feel towards a situation. He has suffered with depression on/off throughout his life but never does anything about it. He's a 'creative' and feels no satisfaction unless he's doing exactly what he wants, which unfortunately doesn't pay well. I bend over backwards to accommodate him, to the point it's detrimental to my own life. I can't change my job no matter how much I hate it because the change in routine would upset him, I mostly clean the house and do the childcare by myself bar one weekend day where he looks after them by himself. On this day, on more than several occasions, I've gotten a barrage of messages about how he's not coping. He's a very intelligent, articulate person, but very one track minded (as ASD people tend to be) and just never seems to be happy, regardless of how much easier I try to make his life. As such I'm so depressed and genuinely losing the will. I love him, and care for him deeply, but I feel like I have another child. He IS high functioning. He's very organised when it's something he knows well. I have alot of patience and understanding, I truley do. But I dont know how to manage this anymore. This is more of a rant than anything so I apologise if it's nonsensical.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 14/11/2018 21:06

You don’t have to stay with him. It’s ok to leave because you aren’t happy.

IndigoHen · 14/11/2018 21:09

I have the same DH. Also on spectrum and very moody.

He's annoyed today because it was my turn to do baths for the kids & I couldn't because I was in severe pain as I'm recovering from surgery.

For him, disrupting his routine makes him miserable. It's hard to deal with.

IndigoHen · 14/11/2018 21:11

So I get where you are coming from OP. I don't have any advice except spell it out in writing to him what you need him to do. Literally exactly what you need him to do. Then give him a few days to digest that.

NigellasGuest · 14/11/2018 21:11

I do sympathize, I'm with someone similar. Constantly bringing me down and bursting my bubble. No joy about him. Also high functioning on the spectrum. Unfortunately it's not as simple as "you don't have to stay with him." How old are your DCs? Now mine are grown up I have a lot more moral support.

pinkyredrose · 14/11/2018 21:14

Fuck the ASD. That doesn't give him the right to be a miserable, confrontational arsehole. I take it talking to him is out of the question. Can you go away for a wk or so, hive yourself time to think?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 14/11/2018 21:20

I have no idea why anyone would put up with that shit. Just WHY? You aren't his mother, you chose him...it's a mystery to me.

He is not going to get better. He is probably going to get worse. If you stay with him that is the life you are choosing.

Loopytiles · 14/11/2018 21:22

Sounds like ending the relationship would be best.

Boomah · 14/11/2018 21:25

They're little, 3 and 8. It's just not easy to leave. We've been together since I was 16, it was never meant to be long term as horrible as that sounds. We got together for petty and silly teenage reasons (to spite someone else), I moved in to his mum's after an argument with my family, instead of telling me to come home they moved my sister into my bedroom! He was super depressed and full of teenage angst, I was working and supporting him, when we got kicked out of his mum's I remained financially supportive and it's just never ended. I can't see how he will cope caring for himself. I mean he doesn't need help with day to day stuff but he already complains that his current job (which is related to his field) isn't related enough and gets in the way of what he really wants to do. College gets in the way. All these 'means to an end' things that adults understand they have to do, are a huge inconvenience. Despite all this he is a fantastic father. Abit emotionally unaware, And doesn't cope with sickness ect very well, but he's very engaging, loves playing and creating, is surprisingly flexible with them. He doesn't know where their underwear is kept but he sure does a mean job with their homework.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2018 21:25

Leaving him would be the best thing you could possibly do for yourself. Before you know it, he is going to drag you into an abyss you won't be able to escape from. Save yourself and your happiness.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 14/11/2018 21:25

To what extent does he acknowledge his ASD? Does he accept that his reactions to things are different? Can he reflect on the fact that ASD causes him to be inflexible? Or is that a step too far?
You cannot go on indefinitely in this way but you cannot change things alone and, if he will not or cannot see that your relationship faces particular challenges related to his ASD, then it might be worth considering whether it is easier to split sooner, rather than later. If he can acknowledge your very different experiences of the same circumstances, then there could be hope.
It sounds very hard. Flowers

crumbledumptious · 14/11/2018 21:27

Leave him, for your own sanity

Boomah · 14/11/2018 21:28

No, he doesn't acknoledge it. He's embarrassed by it and if I bring it up it comes with a very big sulk.

OP posts:
CrookedMe · 14/11/2018 21:30

I had a friend who was in a very similar position to you. Her and her DH went to counselling, and eventually she concluded that she had no desire to fit her entire life around his ASD.

She's now married to a great guy who shares her values, they make a lovely blended family, and the ExH lives around the corner, doing the minimum parenting he can allegedly handle.

It's absolutely not your job to accommodate his life by not enjoying your own. You are on this earth once, is this genuinely as happy as you think you can be? If not, I would start making plans.

mamamooloo · 14/11/2018 21:40

He sounds like my ex dh and I was exactly where you are. It was never my intention for us to split but he got emotionally involved with someone at work and It made me see things differently. 2 years on they are together now and I could not be happier being free from that life ! There was no "unreasonable" behaviour as such as he never meant any harm but it was like living a half life. He's hard to coparent with now but I feel like a new woman with my life back and full of possibilities.

Boomah · 14/11/2018 21:48

Mamamooloo we had that situation about 5 years ago! He got emotionally involved with a girl at work, admitted he had feelings for her, it hurt so bad. I've never been a jealous person but I could see what was happening even before he did. He stayed together though after splitting for a couple months. I do think it was a 'sliding doors' moment for me, I think about how different my life could be now if I had stayed strong. I wouldn't have my son though, which is an unbearable thought.

OP posts:
knittingdad · 14/11/2018 21:58

I'm on the spectrum but I've learnt, bit by bit, the things that I can do to make my DW happier as I decided it was worth making the effort - along with the obsessive detail I put into cricket stats or whatever.

It's not been easy. It's taken a long time for me to understand the difference between thinking in my head that I wanted DW to be happier and actually communicating that to her through my actions.

ASD does make things more difficult, but not impossible.

Seafour · 14/11/2018 22:01

You poor thing, this is no kind of life for you and the dc. Your op could have been a description of my exh, he wore me down with the endless debates, always being right, always needing time out, always chasing some mad money making scheme that was never going to work out.
I got out and the peace and calm that myself and the dc had as a result was wonderful.

Many years later I also met and married my current dh.

You don't have to stay with him if the relationship gives you so little and takes so much, don't sacrifice who you are because of who you married.

user1497863568 · 14/11/2018 22:04

He sounds like me. Is he on medication?

ReflectionsofParadise · 14/11/2018 22:09

"I can't see how he will cope caring for himself"

OP that is not your issue. Like you said, you are NOT his mother.

Go and live your own life. You are not his caregiver or life manager. Make a new sliding doors moment.

Leave.

FishesThatFly · 14/11/2018 22:15

I read posts on here like yours, and one's that talk about abusive partners.... and the OP always says "... but l love him...".

What is there exactly to love?

They treat you like dirt, have no respect for you, your unhappy....

There is NOTHING to love except memories of how it use to be or hopes for the future which are unlikely to ever appear

Boomah · 14/11/2018 22:15

Knitting dad this is part of his issue. I will tell him what I want from him, he says he'll do it but never does. Actions speak way louder than words but it doesn't seem to register at all.
User, no he's not. He doesn't like to acknoledge it at all. I don't think there is medication for it?
Reflectionsofparadise, it's easy to say and I agree. But I don't want any harm to come to him and I don't know where he would live, how he would support himself. He's not very good at rational thinking. But then again I think I'm so used to worrying about him I do mother him a little bit, and not giving him enough credit. My anxiety is constantly through the roof worrying how he will react to things.

OP posts:
puzzledlady · 14/11/2018 22:21

You are choosing to stay with someone - who by the sounds of it will only get worse. So, in effect, you are choosing his happiness over yours. You have to reconcile that with yourself - you are an adult who can make adult decisions. I get you love him, but as you yourself have said - it was never meant to be long term - you let it continue and then had children with him. He cannot help the way he is - but you can. Leave or not - your choice. Imagine when your children are older - what will be behave like then? Will they have to do everything according to him - will they ever be allowed to be their own person? Then ask yourself - would/can you let that happen to your children? Good luck - with whatever you choose. And sorry if i sound harsh. Flowers

Boomah · 14/11/2018 22:22

I sound pathetic don't I? We've been together so long, he's all I've ever known. I don't know how to do it. My kids adore him, I feel like I would be turning their lives upside down. It's not like we're tumultuous, we don't have blazing rows or outwardly not get on. Alot of our argueing is done over text! I feel like I would be splitting up my family for very selfish reasons.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/11/2018 22:22

Indigo hen Flowers

Catmint · 14/11/2018 22:25

Could you access counselling just for yourself?

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