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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lie to my son about this?

48 replies

drivingmisspotty · 14/11/2018 12:33

DS is 6 and absolutely in love with football. He kicks balls around all day and when he is not kicking he watches football on you tube. He thinks he is the next Messi. About 6 months ago he was invited to train with our local premiership team - they have a coaching programme. The deal is they take the kids for six weeks and watch them and see how they go. He made it through the six weeks and was invited back - good news. But they keep watching them and today I got a letter saying they don’t want him to come back. They won’t give any feedback about why.

I have tried hard not to ever make a big deal of the fact he was picked but obviously he knows the team and he is proud to be a part of it.

I am worried he will be upset and his confidence will be knocked at the ‘rejection’.

How do I explain this?!

AIBU to say I have decided he has too many activities on and he needs to drop it? Or to say that it has just come to an end and the course doesn’t run any more?

I know I am being a coward if I do, and there is sure to be a wonderful learning experience in this/growth mindset etc. But I am not sure how to frame it so that he isn’t massively disappointed Sad

OP posts:
MemoryOfSleep · 14/11/2018 12:36

I think he will be disappointed, but rather that than have him think you've decided he has to drop it and blame you, or catch you in a lie.

Honestly is the best policy here in my opinion.

DaanSaaf · 14/11/2018 12:36

How sad for your ds Sad

I'd probably go with a white lie as well. Maybe say that it was only a so many weeks long course?

mama17 · 14/11/2018 12:36

Your poor son! How cruel of them to drop him like that. I think if you say that your stopping it due to too many activities he will really resent you and be very angry and upset. The it's come to an end naturally is probably your best bet. I would also get in touch with the team and ask for feed back and explain that your going to have a very upset son. At that age they are far too young to understand and like you said he will feel really rejected .

Catmint · 14/11/2018 12:37

Tell him it's someone else's turn now.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/11/2018 12:37

Teaching him about disappointment and how to deal with it would be more beneficial to him, than lying. Tell him the truth if he brings it up and help him work through the disappointment.

canihaveanap · 14/11/2018 12:39

Bless him. I would say that they have loved working with him but it's only fair to give other children a chance too so it's somebody else's turn at the moment. If they have space in the future he might get to work with them again.

It's teaching him fairness and taking any focus away from it being about him. Also it might keep him positive about having another chance one day if they ever look at him again?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/11/2018 12:39

I was going to suggest what Catmint said.

Shoxfordian · 14/11/2018 12:39

Don't lie to him, he'll blame you for not playing anymore

Hidillyho · 14/11/2018 12:39

What if he were to say he wants to drop another of the activities in favour of the football?
I would say that the course has now finished - unless he’s friends with any of the team outside of football who are staying on. If this is the case then honesty is the best policy.
Maybe tell him you’ll look into other teams?

Isadora2007 · 14/11/2018 12:40

I would ask the club for further feedback and take it from there to see if I could say a gentle version to him. Like x club is looking for more defensive players and you are an attacking position player so we can look for another team that better suits your talents.

RaininSummer · 14/11/2018 12:42

What a shame. Can you find a replacement football team to play with so that he can be told that one has ended but a new opportunity has arrived.

Janus · 14/11/2018 12:43

Oh driving, as a mum to a football mad 7 year old I can only imagine how bad you feel 😢!
I think I’d try and say it’s someone else’s turn too, so it doesn’t sound that it’s anything to do with his ‘performance’ but they just want to give someone else a go now. I hope it goes well.

BarbarianMum · 14/11/2018 12:44

Id tell him that he's had his turn and find him somewhere else to play football. I wouldnt tell him the truth because it might give him the idea that he's not good enough at football to be the next Messi and frankly he's far too young to know whether that's true. He can dream that dream for a good few years yet.

madhatter1965 · 14/11/2018 12:45

Don't lie. Simply put, at this stage, he's not good enough (this doesn't mean he wont be/cant be) - he is still only 6.

Show him / talk him through these players (i'm sure there are loads of other examples): talksport.com/football/131094/11-footballers-rejected-youngsters-including-marcus-rashford-manchester-city-and-luke-shaw/

Hopefully he will be even more determined next time the opportunity arises.

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson · 14/11/2018 12:48

I know it is competitive but he's 6! Can the scouts really see a talent (or lack of it) at that young age?

I'd ask for feedback and let him down honestly but gently. This is just one team, one rejection. It doesn't need to be the end of his dreams.

headinhands · 14/11/2018 12:48

Hm. Tricky. I'd probably want to be honest because how else will he have the chance to navigate such feelings. And he's probably already had opportunities to feel loss and rejection so might surprise you I'd just be worried about him not learning to accept the harsh realities if you make it a rule to shield him from these feelings.

Original poster
drivingmisspotty · 14/11/2018 12:49

Thanks everyone for all your replies. (I never usually get any!)

I like the idea of saying it is someone else’s turn now. I know they were doing some trials earlier this week so I expect that is what has happened and there will be chances for him to be picked up again as his Saturday team sometimes go up to the trial sessions.

I’m not sure it is cruel of them exactly. He is my baby and I want him to be treated sweetly by everyone. But I knew from the start that this training was a million miles from Little Kickers! The coaches don’t talk to the parents at all really and they refuse to give feedback but they do seem really good with the boys on the field and they work them hard. It has been a good experience for DS and he has learnt a lot.

OP posts:
SilverDoe · 14/11/2018 12:50

aww that’s a nice article from madhatter but honestly I agree that if he is only 6 bless him I would tell him the football is over now and perhaps start him in Little Kickers or something if you can afford it. It just seems like such a young age to hear “you’re not good enough” :(

SilverDoe · 14/11/2018 12:50

Sorry cross posted with you about Little Kickers!

claraschu · 14/11/2018 12:55

At his age, I would go with what canihaveanap said. In general, I don't think it is good to lie to kids, but he is so young that you can put a positive slant on this, and just generally downplay it.

I would just emphasise how much fun he has playing football, and how it will be nice to do whatever football he is currently involved in, and avoid talking too much about the competetive side of it. This will be easier if you haven't talked too much about the local team and their training programme. I think in general it is always good to de-emphasise this sort of thing, as it can make kids obnoxious if they place too much importance on it, (but that is perhaps just my own personal crankiness at how highly competetive team sports can affect kids.)

sirmione16 · 14/11/2018 12:59

I think you have to address it and help him cope with his feelings. Address it in an approach that says there's no such thing as "the best" however there is hard work, good luck and progression. Right now, he isn't quite at the point where the club will work with him any more but one day he will have opportunities that others won't if he works hard. It's life, and this is a life lesson. That's all x

Original poster
drivingmisspotty · 14/11/2018 13:00

Thanks for those stories @madhatter1965. Will definitely share those. And actually his school are really good about resilience so maybe I will just mention it to his class teacher too.

Angua you are probably right it is difficult to see talent then. I have no idea how they spot talent. Or even if they have had any players go through from 6 to 16! But they must think it is worthwhile I suppose.

Thanks for your perspective too @headinhands of ‘giving him the chance’ to navigate those feelings. You give me courage to be honest!

OP posts:
Newbnewb · 14/11/2018 13:00

I would be honest with him, but perhaps you could be proactive at trying to arrange a trial/coaching session at other nearby clubs? That way you could ease the blow with something else to look forward to/work towards.

I would also remind him that Messi was rejected by an Argentinian Premier League club for being "too small" when he was that age, so he's in good company.

Also most of todays England team came through the youth system of smaller teams - Raheem Sterling (QPR), Dele Alli (MK Dons), Harry Kane (Ridgewell Rovers - who???). They made it because they were determined, worked really hard and were good listeners. If your boy adopts the same attitude there's no reason he can't be like them.

BumbleBeee69 · 14/11/2018 13:08

you poor Son, how horribly cruel. Flowers

Mintychoc1 · 14/11/2018 13:12

As a parent of 2 football-mad boys - now age 13 and 9 - I think it's good he's been rejected now rather than in a few years. At age 6 he'll believe your line about it being someone else's turn, so that's what I'd go with. In a couple of years time he wouldn't believe you, and would be really upset.
In my experience, the sooner they abandon the idea of being a professional player the better. Then they can enjoy it just for fun. They all think they'll make a career of it at first.
I remember seeing a statistic - I can't recall it exactly - but I think it was for every one kid who makes it to premier league, there are 5 million kids who play amateur footie. So realistically his chances are slim.
A friend of mine's nephew got dropped from a top team at age 12. That's when it really hurts.
I probably sounds negative but I've been a very involved football mum for about 7 years, and I think they key is to drop the unrealistic ambition and enjoy playing for your local youth team and also school. If a child is genuinely brilliant, they'll be scouted at one of those places.

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