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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lie to my son about this?

48 replies

drivingmisspotty · 14/11/2018 12:33

DS is 6 and absolutely in love with football. He kicks balls around all day and when he is not kicking he watches football on you tube. He thinks he is the next Messi. About 6 months ago he was invited to train with our local premiership team - they have a coaching programme. The deal is they take the kids for six weeks and watch them and see how they go. He made it through the six weeks and was invited back - good news. But they keep watching them and today I got a letter saying they don’t want him to come back. They won’t give any feedback about why.

I have tried hard not to ever make a big deal of the fact he was picked but obviously he knows the team and he is proud to be a part of it.

I am worried he will be upset and his confidence will be knocked at the ‘rejection’.

How do I explain this?!

AIBU to say I have decided he has too many activities on and he needs to drop it? Or to say that it has just come to an end and the course doesn’t run any more?

I know I am being a coward if I do, and there is sure to be a wonderful learning experience in this/growth mindset etc. But I am not sure how to frame it so that he isn’t massively disappointed

OP posts:

Anotheronefortheroad · 14/11/2018 13:12

This happened with my 8 year old son too. He was asked to go on a training and development programme for a premiership team (his favourite team too!)
We obviously told him how proud we were etc but didn’t make a big thing about it for the very reason that they can be ruthless and turn around and say they don’t want them anymore and we didn’t want our son to lose his love of the football as he is foootball mad!
We got a letter saying the session were over for him but it tied in with the summer holidays. We just told him that the sessions had finished for the holidays and he seemed ok with that. He asked again when the new school year started if he had training but we reminded him that it had finished and he didn’t mention it again.
Not sure if that helps you at all but that’s just our experience 😊

myfatarse · 14/11/2018 13:15

my DH is a coach and yes while they can see "potential" in a 6/10/13 year old, he also knows that strength and maturity play a greater part and some kids only come into their own once pubity kicks in.

What most coaches look for is for the child to have a natural abilty for that sport, an eagerness to learn and that they progress and not fall stagnent.

Any sport will have numerous different elements to it - football - stamina, ball controll, the abiltiy to read the game, team play.

He maybe great in an aspect of the game and poor in another, what will be best for him would be to join a team and have regualr games and to learn ALL the skills of the game, not just how to score goals.

My freinds son has fantastic ball control, can do unbelievable tricks with the ball, can move the ball between people without them seeing it but he is rubbish on the pitch because he just cant play all the game.

He's six, hes found a sport which he loves and enjoys which is great. Just let him know that he will probalbly have numerous call ups throughout his years t ogo and trail and he jsut has to keep learning.

Oopsy41 · 14/11/2018 13:17

Can he just join a local team instead then he's still playing football? My 11 year old think the world's coming to an end if he can't play so he loves the weekly training and weekend game.

Original poster

drivingmisspotty · 14/11/2018 13:18

I didn’t know that about Messi. Thanks!

He is still in a smaller team who will continue to develop him but will think about other options too.

OP posts:

daisypond · 14/11/2018 13:19

One of mine had something similar - not football, though. They worded it well - we got a phone call - saying something like "to give other children a chance". Could you say that?

Mintychoc1 · 14/11/2018 13:19

The other thing to remember is that youth academies aren't the only way in to professional football. More and more players are coming through non-league teams, like Jamie Vardy, record breaking goal-scorer, who worked in a factory as a young man while playing for a non-league team.

We're fortunate in the country that there are many little local teams that kids can play in, so if they're naturally gifted then that gift will develop.

puzzledlady · 14/11/2018 13:22

It’s so so tough OP. A friend of my daughters (he’s 5 going on 6) has just got into one of these talent programs and they work them hard. My husband is related to an English footballs under 16 coach and the amount of boys that he sees trying out to be part of the team is insane. I feel sad for your son but I agree - honesty is the best policy.

velourvoyageur · 14/11/2018 13:24

Think kids need to experience small hardships (which obviously feel big to them) in order to become good at managing their feelings themselves and building up resilience so that he doesn't have to rely on others to regulate his mood for him. Be harder for him in the long run to cope with setbacks if previous disappointments have always been cushioned. I wouldn't lie to him.

velourvoyageur · 14/11/2018 13:24

so that they...

TheOrigBrave · 14/11/2018 13:27

6 is pretty young to be putting them through these sorts of trials.

I think it's important that children learn about rejection and that they can't win, be the best or be picked for everything.

Seeing adults who have never failed at anything really is unattractive, so it's best to learn these lessons young.

Having said that, as others have said I think you can massage the truth somewhat for your DS as his understanding of the odds of him ending up as a professional footballer cannot be the same as a 9 year olds.

This is a classic opportunity to acknowledge his feelings and let him just go with them and then move on.

Bless him.

DailyMailFail101 · 14/11/2018 13:27

What a horrible situation for a six year old, he’s going to be so disappointed but it’s also a good life lesson for him, however awful he feels and sad he’s got a nice Mum to help ease the disappointment, I’d tell him the truth but in a ‘who cares’ sort of way.

Bluewidow · 14/11/2018 13:33

It isn't t cruel what they have done that's how they spot talent some make it some don't yet or ever. same as any other sport, but there are lots of children who want to be footballers I'm afraid. tell him the truth in an age appropriate way. if he really has a passion for football he will still continue. its hard but he has to get used to the highs and lows of sport.

BlueJava · 14/11/2018 13:35

I really wouldn't blame yourself - he'd probably really kick off about you stopping him (and I think that would be completely reasonable in this case if you did stop him). If you can say he's had his turn on the 6 week course and it someone elses turn now plus try and arrange another team/coaching session (even a one off - birthday, xmas etc) would that help? Just so he doesn't think it's all stopping. Good luck, that seems really tough at 6 yo.

tempester28 · 14/11/2018 13:38

Tell him it has come to the end/finished for now.

Perhaps find a local club he can join instead.

I think that it is wrong that they havent told you why. I would ask again and say that you want to know if it was due to bad behaviour or something like that. If they have just dropped him then maybe it is best he joins a recreational club. - he is only 6! so plenty of time.

I also think a 6 year old will not get why he has just been excluded. Tell him it has finished for everyone for now. I wouldnt take the blame yourself otherwise it will come back to bite you.

Italiangreyhound · 14/11/2018 13:44

Always the truth in age appropriate language or he may grow up not to trust you.

Not everyone can be a top footballer but he can enjoy it as a hobby, he can get his skills better and he can even offer to help with younger kids training for football one day.

HowOftenDoYouClean · 14/11/2018 13:46

Thats a shame and at 6 he's too young to understand but maybe it's better it finishes now than in a few years when he is more aware. I think its only something like 1-2% of academy players ( which can go up to 21) actually make a single appearance professionally, even at a premier league club you can be in a winning side and never make an appearance for any professional team.

Original poster

drivingmisspotty · 14/11/2018 13:46

Thanks @dailymailfail101

And thanks everyone for the ideas. I think I’ll go for slightly softened and age appropriate truth

OP posts:

TonTonMacoute · 14/11/2018 13:52

I think that is a sensible approach. You have to be straight with him, it it is wrong to say that rejection at this stage means the end of his chances of a professional career!

If he is serious about wanting to be a sportsman, he will need plenty of resilience, this is a good opportunity to start developing it by learning to deal with disappointment.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/11/2018 13:54

Bless him. I would say that they have loved working with him but it's only fair to give other children a chance too so it's somebody else's turn at the moment. If they have space in the future he might get to work with them again.

This ^

Though why they couldn't have sent a letter like that themselves, to your son and all other small and easily disappoint able children, I don't know!

Would it kill them to be kind to a child?

Bluelady · 14/11/2018 14:00

Our friends' son is a pro footballer but not with a premier league club, they really can pick the absolute best. Maybe try a less prestigious club? So sorry for his disappointment, whatever you tell him he'll be sad.

KumquatQuince · 14/11/2018 14:06

This happened to my cousin’s DS at the same age. He was rejected by one premiership club but later picked up by another. Do your research. Find the best local club around and get him to join that and work hard. Take him to every tournament you can, there’s often scouts at those.

Saying it’s now someone else’s turn is a good idea. Definitely don’t say it’s down to too many activities, he’ll blame you and want to drop his other stuff.

Sonders · 14/11/2018 14:28

Like PPs have said, it's best to tell the truth. It's likely to be something that he remembers his whole life, so best to have fond memories of the trial than bad memories of a lie that came unpicked at a later date.

I'd emphasise that there's lots of different routes to being a top player (the football league is a literal pyramid) and for now, coming straight up through the academy isn't happening. Who wanted to go the easy way anyway?

Cheeeeislifenow · 14/11/2018 14:41

Coping with disappointment is a skill that needs to be learned..it is a lesson in resilience.
Be honest in an age appropriate way.

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