To feel so judged in my own home

[Chipbutty67]

I try not to post on AIBU about DH anymore, as I usually get a chorus of (justified) LTB but unfortunately that just isn’t possible for me right now.

I normally handle DH and his family well but I’m really struggling ATM as MIL and BIL2 are staying with us for 2 weeks. I need some mumsbet perspective/ a kick up the arse.

DH is the eldest of 3 brothers. BIL1 is married. DH’s family has an odd dynamic where they love to sit and gossip and moralise about others.

Over the years, SIL has brought it to my attention that I’m the focus of their judgement/ moralising. Unfortunately, she’s sworn me to secrecy so I can’t tell them I know that they all gossip about me. I’m a shy/ anxious person as it is and having them come stay with us now sends me into a complete tailspin but they are all very nice to my face, so impossible to call them out on it. I’m exhausted trying to keep up appearances on all fronts, and if I ever slip I catch them exchanging glances. I just feel like I’m being scrutinised and judged at every opportunity, and the more I try the more awkward I get

Some previous examples:

• I normally do 100% of the housework, as ‘expected’ of me. When I had DS2, I had an emergency Cs, and a bad post-op infection. I was too ill to get up and clean. Found out since, MIL had been speaking about how ‘filthy’ my house was after giving birth, I didn’t take the bins out, clean the bathroom enough etc.

• i ‘talk back’ too much and don’t appreciate my DH

• before D.C. i was a size 8, I’m now a 10. Apparently I often come up in ‘women who’ve let themselves go’ discussions

I’ll think of more examples but I feel so drained.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I agree, I need to woman up and care less what they think of me, I was just in a fragile mind set this morning.

I think SIL is telling the truth, as she’s often very specific (so for eg the criticism after I gave birth was that I didn’t take the trash out at the end of the day, because I literally couldn’t manage to carry it downstairs, SIL couldn’t have known this)

I’ve often thought about asking her not to tell me, but I think a small part of me still thinks that if I know what they object to I can fix it/ defend myself

I do usually stick up for myself as much as I can, but they are so thick skinned. For example today, as I was running around clearing breakfast (which I cooked) after school drop off (which I handle alone) DH handed me the baby and said ‘He needs a change’. I handed him back and said ‘great, since you’re free and I’m cleaning, you can do it’. DH put him down and wandered off. BIL then handed me back the baby and said, ‘seriously, he needs a change’ and I was embarrassed into doing it.

They sound horrendous. Why have you stayed OP?

That question is out of genuine interest by the way, not judging you x

Your DH is an arse
Read your OP. You know that no sane person would expect a post section to be cleaning and putting the bins out. Why wasn’t your DH doing it and wtaf does your MIL get off commenting rather than either doing it herself to help out or telling your lazy DH to do it.

DH has you as a slave and his family encourage it

Go. Far away. They are horrible

The problem in that example is your DH.

... in fact both of those examples. If you've just given birth, of course your DH should be doing the bins. Why wasn't he?

Why didn't he change the nappy? Does he just leave all of the jobs for you?

SIL shouldn't have told you if you are then expected to do/say nothing about it.

I would also question her motives for telling you. Does she stick up for you when the rest of the family are bitching?! Has she told you to make you feel bad/her feel better about herself?

I wouldn't engage with any of them. Let them all think they are perfect...

My in laws are sometimes guilty of this (with others in the family and friends) and I seem to be the only one who defends those being discussed or I walk away so I am not involved or participating in the bitching session

SiL is not the problem as you well know.

I'm really sorry you're not in a position to leave. Is it because of money?

I've read your other threads.

You need to rationalise it out.

Are these people worthy enough to judge anyone?

Are these people you respect and would want advice from?

Are they right in their conclusions?

I suspect the answer is "No". So why are you giving any credence to their opinions?

Grow a backbone and tell them straight.

Seriously work on being assertive and your self esteem/self worth.

Start to ridicule them in your head, because they are ludicrous. Replay situations as a Blackadder scene.

Laugh in their fucking faces and down tools.

Your root issue is your awful H. Lose him, you’ll lose his hideous family too- seriously divorce the lot of them- including toxic SIL.

Fuck me , if my husband ever left me to do all the cleaning and everything else and then change the baby I’d tell him to fucking do one and leave - for good - who the hell dows he think he is handing the baby back?

Are you happy?? Why stay if you aren’t ? You literally have one life . Why stay and be miserable ? Your children as they get older will pick up on it and your son will grow up seeing that this is how men should treat women ? Do you think that is ok??

How about you just stop doing some of the housework ? Just flat out don’t do it and do not back down?

Your in laws sound awful - surely if they are staying they can help ? Maybe ask them next time ? If not pack a bag and stay at a friends or family members .

Why are in laws there for 2 weeks? Tell them to go. Problem solved

I’d be having it out with them as that’s disgusting and I don’t know why you put up with it .
Your dh should be in your corner and bringing it up with them too