To feel so judged in my own home

[Chipbutty67]

I try not to post on AIBU about DH anymore, as I usually get a chorus of (justified) LTB but unfortunately that just isn’t possible for me right now.

I normally handle DH and his family well but I’m really struggling ATM as MIL and BIL2 are staying with us for 2 weeks. I need some mumsbet perspective/ a kick up the arse.

DH is the eldest of 3 brothers. BIL1 is married. DH’s family has an odd dynamic where they love to sit and gossip and moralise about others.

Over the years, SIL has brought it to my attention that I’m the focus of their judgement/ moralising. Unfortunately, she’s sworn me to secrecy so I can’t tell them I know that they all gossip about me. I’m a shy/ anxious person as it is and having them come stay with us now sends me into a complete tailspin but they are all very nice to my face, so impossible to call them out on it. I’m exhausted trying to keep up appearances on all fronts, and if I ever slip I catch them exchanging glances. I just feel like I’m being scrutinised and judged at every opportunity, and the more I try the more awkward I get

Some previous examples:

• I normally do 100% of the housework, as ‘expected’ of me. When I had DS2, I had an emergency Cs, and a bad post-op infection. I was too ill to get up and clean. Found out since, MIL had been speaking about how ‘filthy’ my house was after giving birth, I didn’t take the bins out, clean the bathroom enough etc.

• i ‘talk back’ too much and don’t appreciate my DH

• before D.C. i was a size 8, I’m now a 10. Apparently I often come up in ‘women who’ve let themselves go’ discussions

I’ll think of more examples but I feel so drained.

I remember your previous threads OP. Your problem here isn’t your in laws gossiping about you or bitching about you. People often gossip/bitch/vent /talk about friends, relations and strangers in private. It’s normal, you are doing it here in the safe anonymity of an Internet forum.

I think the problem here is your absolute two faced, meddling bitch of a SIL running between houses, spreading tales and malice and then swearing you to secrecy. She’s safe here. She can report (or make up) anything she wants to stir up trouble and know that because you are shy, insecure and have integrity you wont repeat what she tells you.

I am willing to bet that if she’s telling you what the in laws say about you, she will also be carrying tales in the other direction, scuttling back to the inlaws and telling exaggerated reports of the terrible things you have said about them. Perhaps that’s why they are exchanging glances?

As BertrandRussell so wisely said upthread, what’s her motive here? She’s telling you things that hurt you and undermine you and in doing so she’s betraying the trust of other family members. That’s unkind to you and disloyal to them and it’s not doing anyone any good.

Your SIL is so thoughtful and sensitive to keep you up to date about all this.

Why can’t you leave/end the relationship?

And why are you protecting your sil’s wishes when she clearly doesn’t give a shit about hurting yours?

I agree with Bert and Loon.

I am in a similar situation to your SIL. My inlaws bitch about my SIL a lot, honestly they are vile about her sometimes and it really upsets me. When I was new to the family, I would just stay out of it but now I'm a bit more established, I speak up for her. I call them out when they are saying nasty things about her, I stick up for her relentlessly. As does my partner.
We'd never dream of telling her though.

I think in some way she might be aware and as such she does things on her terms. They only ever see the inlaws when they want to. They don't invite them to their house ever.

Steer clear of the lot of them. Tell your partner you don't want them coming to stay as it's too much work for you.

Are you sure your sister in law is being honest? Sounds like she's shit stirring to be honest.

Why did she tell you this? And have you asked your husband?

Your SIL is a manipulative bitch. She's so afraid of MIL judging her she needs to use you as a Buffer or a Human Shield to take the criticism blows from MIL.
You need to shut SIL down as soon as she opens her mouth. Tell her ultra politely if MIL has any issues with you or how you do things, MIL should come to you directly to discuss and can SIL please pass on that message to MIL.
You've done nothing wrong love.
Sounds like MIL is a right old bitchy judgemental cow and everyone in the family has had to tiptoe around her or they know what they'll get.

Wow they sound like horrible malicious bullies who bond by picking on a scapegoat. You need to know that it isn't personal. However perfect you are it won't stop. You need to find a way to stop giving them power over you. They are nasty people and you shouldn't care for their good opinion (obviously it's hard not to).

They sound vile. For your own sanity, distance will help massively. Don't agree to long stays. Meet on neutral territory 'for lunch'. If they turn up un announced, be bright & breezy & say you 'have to nip out' (then go, no reason or justifying why, sit in a coffee shop with a lovely coffee or windowshop ). Don't answer phone calls, text instead. Don't give them info about you, your plans, your life:that will be turned into amunition. Keep it surface shallow or about them. I'd never make nice for 2weeks with people who slate me behind my back.

I also agree SiL isn't helping (whether deliberately or not). Shut her down and tell her that her information isn't helpful.

Set bullshit sheilds to maximum deflection, whilst they are bitching about you they don’t have to scrutinise their own poor behaviour. Fuck ‘em ! You don’t need the approval of these people.

You SIL is the worst one for telling you.

Over the years, SIL has brought it to my attention that I’m the focus of their judgement/ moralising. Unfortunately, she’s sworn me to secrecy so I can’t tell them I know that they all gossip about me.

Agree with PP. I doubt she's telling the truth, or if so it will be her warped view of it. She's manipulative and conniving. Why would you not be able to share this information? Because she wants the power that kind of secrecy brings.

I don't believe your SIL.

Your problem is your DH. If he allows or gets involved in these discussions then he is the problem. Leave.

I've got a feeling if OP had a choice, they wouldn't stay for 2 weeks. Maybe she doesn't have a say in it at all. My ex would let his family come round whenever they wanted, he didn't care how I felt. Maybe OP is the same situation?

Bloody hell, what a nasty, shallow, vacuous family.

I think that SIL is telling you because she feels threatened and is wondering what they say about her too.

If you know they do it about other family members, you can be sure they are doing it about you.

Either;
-Tell your husband to sort them out or you wont have them back
-Call them out on their bitching to their faces and tell them you are uncomfortable
-LTB and you dont have to deal with any of them.

My daughter’s “friend” once told her “everyone thinks you’re spoiled”.

Turns out the truth was this “friend” had gone to a group of girls and said “do you think X is spoiled?” and several had half heartedly said “well, she has a lot of stuff, so I suppose...”

My daughter’s frenemy is your SIL!

Pound to a penny, she’s sat in her kitchen saying “so don’t you think SIL has gained a bit of weight...?”

1. Do not trust SIL
2. Tell SIL you’re not interested in hearing this shit
3. Remember that whether it comes from SIL or MIL, doesn’t make it true. Fuck what they think.
4. Keep going with whatever plans you need to put in place to get away

Good luck!

I’m exhausted trying to keep up appearances on all fronts, and if I ever slip I catch them exchanging glances. I just feel like I’m being scrutinised and judged at every opportunity, and the more I try the more awkward I get

Why are you “keeping up appearances”? Why do you care? They sound like complete asshats so why care what they think about you or what they gossip about you between them?

I’d just pour myself a large glass of wine, kick back on the lounge and ask DH what he is making everyone for dinner and does he need his mother’s help at all with it . Seriously, fuck them.

If you can't confront them because they aren't being upfront play them at their own game. Casually and sweetly mention how you feel sorry for people who feel they have to keep their houses and bodies perfect, it must be such hard work... Take all the perceived insults as compliments - after all they are saying you know how to prioritise - because housework is not the be all and end all, you are a lovely healthy weight, you can speak your mind (sometimes) etc.

Don't you feel a bit sorry for people who are so tied to their own millstones they have to try and tie them around others' necks?

Whether she's telling the truth or making it up to worry you, your SIL is a stirrer.

Either way, I wouldn't have them to stay any more. It sounds too tiring and life is too short.

Does your DH speak up in your support, or does he join in?

I would ignore all the gossip and call it out if any of them ever did it to my face. Any sly glances, ask them if everything's ok. When they ask why say something like "the look you just gave X suggests you don't agree with me / think I'm talking rubbish / think something's wrong?

Confront it politely, but head on. Every time. Life's too short to tip-toe around because someone might or might not be silently judging you.

Have you actually heard any of it yourself? Or is literally all of it rumour through SIL?

e.g. The comments about housework after your csection, or about putting on weight (at a size 10! lol)?

Your SIL is stirring all this with a giant spoon; sod the ‘sworn to secrecy’ lark - call them out on all their raised eyebrows or snide remarks however innocent they seem to be.

Surely your house your rules, tell them time to go, one night is long enough. I love my mum but I would fall out if she stayed 2 weeks