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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU with this guy I been seeing

42 replies

Coldshoulders · 14/11/2018 09:24

So basically this last month I have been seeing this guy who's older than me. We have a kinda fwb. So it's nothing serious just some fun tbh. So this past few weeks he's gone from txting me all the time to hardly ever. I'm always the one making the convo n if he replies seems like he's always busy n he will txt me later which he never does. Anyways not slept with him in over 2 weeks now which obv makes me think he's getting it somewhere else. So the other day he text me late at night saying I have been ignoring him and to delete his number after he told me he was ill n he would txt me when he's better. So I told him why would I be ignoring u when I been wanting to see u etc. I got out of bed in the middle of the night n went over. We cuddled no sex and fell asleep. I got up and went home early in the morning n he txt me the next day saying he really likes me n sorry for being paranoid. So 4 nights later with no txts or calls I txt him to say u ok how u doing he replies he's busy and will txt me back later which he never did. I was having a shitty day with feeling depressed I have alot going on with my mental health atm. N I wanted to see him, see if he cud make me feel better. He didn't txt so there I was another night waiting on his txt which he wasn't gunna send. So obviously came to the conclusion if he wanted to see me he would deffo be making more of an effort. I got pissed off n txt him saying he's playing games with me n I haven't got time for it n to just delete my number expecting him to reply saying I have got it wrong n he was just busy. He txt me back saying yeh no problem it's deleted. Cried myself to sleep think this is more about my depression then it is about him. Me n this guy have been on n off for 6 years so I'm quite honest n told him I have feelings for him, he told me he likes me alot n thinks I'm perfect etc. So am I being unreasonable texting him saying the only mistake I made was coming to urs in the middle of the night when u needed me i was there n when I'm having a shit time n want to see u u don't have the time I feel like ur playing games with me. He didn't reply. Txt him this morning saying I'm sorry about last night but I haven't been well n I just wanted to see u but obv u don't want to see me so I'm gunna leave u to it n no hard feelings. Still no reply. Like I said he's older than me n usually he's the one chasing me but this time I have literally just sat by the phone like a mug waiting for him to reply if he has the time. Not slept together in nearly 2 weeks and he's been acting strange. Thinking he's prob got someone else. Before people start ripping into me i know it was only fwb n I shudnt of got feelings but when he wasn't being a nobhead he did make me feel so nice n I will just say I'm having a black moment atm in my head so that makes things feel 100% worse. What should I do I don't wana loose him but other day he cudnt wait to say delete my number n last night when I told him to delete mine he was just like yeh that's fine no problem. Put no fight up whatsoever didn't even ask me if I was ok. Reading this myself I know it's wrong but I just can't help how i feel or how I think I felt x

OP posts:

peachgreen · 14/11/2018 09:28

Sorry but he's just not that into you as the saying goes. Move on and find someone who treats you better.

MrsStrowman · 14/11/2018 09:30

The problem is it was set up as a no relationship no commitment scenario, you then want the commitment/relationship he doesn't. I know that sounds harsh and I don't mean it to, but a fwb situation rarely works out unless you both genuinely funny want a relationship because you'd just not that life compatible, and even then it will only work for a short period of time. Yours has gone on for six years, you've been an easy fall back option for him, one of you was bound to develop feelings in that time. Rather than tell him to delete your number maybe you should've said, 'look this has been going on too long I can't keep it as a casual as it's been, is like a relationship with you but if you don't I'm going to need to walk away or I'll get hurt'. I still think you would've ended up in the same position though OP.
it's time to move on and find someone who actually wants to dedicate their time and attention to you and build a proper relationship, he's too used to having his cake and eating it.

Heratnumber7 · 14/11/2018 09:32

Dump him and buy yourself a dictionary. Spend your new free time brushing up on your spellings!

MyCakeFellOnTheGrass · 14/11/2018 09:34

Go to the website ‘baggage reclaim’. It will answer your question.

JacquesHammer · 14/11/2018 09:34

Dump him and buy yourself a dictionary. Spend your new free time brushing up on your spellings!

Don’t be a twat.

OP it sounds like you want different things, although you said it was a FWB thing it sounds like you want more commitment.

Finish and find someone you’re compatible with.

Useasinnertofind · 14/11/2018 09:35

He's had 6 years to make it clear if he wanted a committed relationship with you. It doesn't seem like he does.

Move on.

greendale17 · 14/11/2018 09:36

The problem is it was set up as a no relationship no commitment scenario, you then want the commitment/relationship he doesn't.

^This

lovetherisingsun · 14/11/2018 09:37

He's probably got a gf/wife and is now backing off you. If he liked you he wouldn't just tail off, but you sound really invested for a fwb situation. I'd cut your losses, and find someone else.

Original poster

Coldshoulders · 14/11/2018 09:38

Yeh I think that u are both right there. Pretty shitty when u want someone n they don't feel the same way. Been hurt by my previous partner in the past n I built up a big wall n never allow myself to get feelings until now, to avoid feeling rejected n avoid feeling so shit. Had alot of family problems recently and just needed him to show me he was there for me when I needed him rather then in the middle of the night when he's in a mood n he clicks and I jumped every time. Oh girl what a mug I have been. Like I said with him being older than me i didn't expect games I just presumed he would of been straight with me but his actions speak for themselves. Not much I can do I have deleted his number and txts from my phone so I can't text him again. Think I'm gunna have a cry try n get some sleep n hopefully wake up later feeling better get my face on n just get on with things. Been left feeling pretty upset and pretty fucking stupid tho tbh. Thanks for the replies he's obv not the guy I thort he was. Xx

OP posts:

Sonders · 14/11/2018 09:38

You are not FWB because friends would never treat each other like that.

You're in a shitty relationship, and you probably know you should get out. Work on your self for a bit and wait for a guy who's as in to you are you are in to him X

gottastopeatingchocolate · 14/11/2018 09:39

Sorry, OP, but you have to let him go...

The way you describe your feelings for him doesn't sound like FWB. You have said you have feelings for him. Your texts indicate a level of "need" which is more than FWB. This has been "on and off" for six years and going nowhere. It is stopping you from meeting someone who will really care for you.

be brave. Delete. Don't contact him any more. Get some support for your mental health. Put all your love into yourself. Then, down the line a few months/years, get ready to meet someone who you can build a real relationship with.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 14/11/2018 09:42

After 6 years if it was going to be anything more than casual it would be. He’s not treating you well and trying to contact him anymore will make you look desperate bordering on deranged.
Delete his number and ignore him when he crawls back because he’s reached the bottom of his priority list for a shag.

JacquesHammer · 14/11/2018 09:43

Been hurt by my previous partner in the past n I built up a big wall n never allow myself to get feelings until now

I think this is quite telling OP. The whole point of FWB is that you don’t want commitment with the other person.

I think maybe that sort of arrangement isn’t right for you?

Take some time to feel better, enjoy being on your own and then decide if and when you want to try a relationship again.

SuchAToDo · 14/11/2018 09:44

Op i don't see what the problem is, you were never in a relationship with him....it was just friends with benefits - sex with no feelings, no strings etc..

Maybe he doesn't want to be in a friends with benefit situation anymore, he might want better for himself (a proper relationship and sex with a girlfriend)...or he may be pulling away from you because he may have met someone he is interested in and wants to pursue it with this woman...

If he's no longer into, let it go...it would be demeaning to beg for someone to.go back to sleeping with you, he is not a machine, he is allowed consent and if he hasn't chosen to.have sex with you in two weeks then it's obvious that he doesn't want to...and that is ok, he doesn't need to give a reason or explain himself (because you aren't in a relationship)

Original poster

Coldshoulders · 14/11/2018 09:45

Yes people thankyou I just needed to have the truth put bluntly u are all right fuck him and thanks for the spelling comment which is really irrelevant to what I posted about 😂 thankyou everyone appreciate it xx

OP posts:

Blanchedupetitpois · 14/11/2018 09:46

Sorry OP, it’s a shit feeling when the way you feel about someone isn’t reciprocated. It sounds like he has led you on a bit and said things he didn’t mean, which is cruel. You’re just going to need some time, but you will get over him and find someone better

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2018 09:46

Dump him and buy yourself a dictionary. Spend your new free time brushing up on your spellings!

Idiot.

TheViceOfReason · 14/11/2018 09:49

You are his booty call.

You aren't FWB, and FWB are primarily friends, who shag when both are single and horny.

He clearly doesn't want a relationship with you, so block him and move on with your life and find someone who wants to be with you.

Be warned - when you take control and say it's the end he WILL, 100% guaranteed, promise you the earth and claim to want a relationship with you. Don't be taken for a fool.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 14/11/2018 09:52

He isn’t worthy of your attention and isn’t going to suddenly change so if you continue to give him your attention and continue to chase him you will continue to feel pain.

This feels painful now because it is and you can’t escape that as you are invested in the relationship ...but if you stop running around after this guy and cut all contact and invest in yourself then gradually you will recover and that pain will pass.

So, be kind to yourself and concentrate on your recovery which will take time. He isn’t important - you are.

Original poster

Coldshoulders · 14/11/2018 09:57

Thankyou so much everyone I know I shudnt of got feelings n I wish I never did. I shudnt of gone over the other night when he txt me i shud of just ignored him. I do realise he's a human being who has to consent and if he doesn't want me that's fine he owes me no explanation as we wasn't in a relationship but still respect goes both ways. I asked because with this I think alot of people can relate from my situation and I have got some straight honest replies that gave me another way of thinking which again I do thank you all and I do appreciate it. Obviously bottom line is he doesn't feel for me the way I do for him n it's over. Still feel shitty about it tho, n I still feel like a nob for even allowing myself to get feelings. I still feel angry at myself for being such a dick and I won't be contacting him again I have deleted his numbers and txts from my phone. I won't be begging him to speak or sleep with me. Another life lesson learned tho. Thanks for all the replies which I have read and all have valid views. Time to get back up n keep moving forward n not look back. I may have been stupid and naive but I'm not desperate and as previous post said he doesn't owe me anything. 💚 thankyou all once again xxx

OP posts:

Breakyourselfagainstmystones · 14/11/2018 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ToftheB · 14/11/2018 10:09

You'll feel better now you've decided to delete his number. It's miserable to feel that you're chasing someone who's just not that interested. Hold your head high and remember that you deserve better than someone who messes you about like this.

tiggerkid · 14/11/2018 10:17

You seem to spend a lot of time worrying about something that you say isn't very serious. Forget about him and move on!

Alilwolf · 14/11/2018 11:01

Yes unfortunately, he's playing you and is probably dating other women too. So he keeps you on the back burner. He's an ass to treat you like that. He should just leave you alone. So you need to protect yourself and move on. There will be more men! Find one who is actually looking for a relationship too.

6 years is a long time. Have you dated anyone else in that time or just him?

Ellisandra · 14/11/2018 11:17

He may pop up again when he’s not getting sex elsewhere - so try to be prepared for that and to say no.

In my anecdotal experience, FWB very rarely is actually meeting the needs of both parties.

All the time you put into him, going nowhere, you could have been putting into relationships that had a chance - or better still, into yourself!

I wish you well with your current MH issues. Trust me, this man and FWB situations in general are not going to help that. x

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