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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to US with 4 month old at Xmas?

45 replies

Mowly75 · 14/11/2018 06:27

Just that really. My family live in the USA & we’re expected to go for Christmas or soon after with the baby; first grandchild yada yada. Also the MIL who lives in France is supposed to be coming. Am filed with anxiety - the flight; the jet lag; the four month sleep regression; the constantly being passed around family members & friends & being overstimulated ...all our routines going to shit. Where will she sleep? etc etc. She’s also been seriously ill in hospital recently. But I know they are all desperate to see her again (they came over shortly after she was born) so I also got the guilt that I am somehow withholding her from them.

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 14/11/2018 06:30

The recently been seriously ill in hospital is surely a good enough reason not to go?

sofato5miles · 14/11/2018 06:30

It's honestly msy not that bad. I took my 3 month old himself to Australia for a month. I did it 3 years later and that was much harder...

sofato5miles · 14/11/2018 06:31

Typo city Blush

CarrieBlu · 14/11/2018 06:32

You do what’s right for you and your baby. If that is staying at home then that’s absolutely fine. A flight to the US is a big ask for a baby of that age IMO. If people are that desperate, well they can just come and see you again, can’t they? It’s fine to say, “sorry, but travelling to you doesn’t work for us this year”.

ThanosSavedMe · 14/11/2018 06:34

If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Just tell them no. Don’t give them a reason other than it doesn’t work for you or the baby

TheRenegadeMaster · 14/11/2018 06:37

If she's recently been seriously ill I wouldn't chance it purely based off of that. Going to a completely different continent will expose her to brand new germs and illness floating about, if she's this young and already been ill then this doesn't put her in the best position to keep herself well.

I would be inclined to speak to her doctor about this? He might not class her as fit to fly that far!

blueskiesandforests · 14/11/2018 06:38

If she's been seriously ill in hospital that may be the most relevant thing - is it medically a good idea to take her on a longish flight in an air-conditioned plane? Be very careful about her travel insurance to ensure you're fully covered if she's seriously ill while away.

Original poster
Mowly75 · 14/11/2018 06:42

NonaGrey ; RenegradeMaster - she ended up with sepsis from an undiagnosed UTI so 5 days in hospital for antibiotics, and now on low dose antibiotics. So she’s fine now & it’s not something that’s infectious but yeah I very much take your point. Plus we will have to be insured up to the hilt in case she does get sick out there

OP posts:
oblada · 14/11/2018 06:44

If she has been ill and it could be a problem in the flight/over there then that's good enough reason surely.

Otherwise - routine - at 4 months old that word doesn't mean anything. Flight - much easier at that age than say 12-18months in my experience!

Angrybird345 · 14/11/2018 06:45

Aside from the illness, I personally wouldn’t see it as an issue. Baby will be fine!

6onTheHappyFarm · 14/11/2018 06:46

It's your call, but I will say that air travel with a 4 month old is an absolute doddle compared to travelling with a 10 month old who can crawl/walk, a 2 yr old who has terrible tantrums etc.

IMO it would be the easiest age to travel until your DC is about 3.5/4 years old.

That's just speaking from my experience with a 9 yo, 3yo and 2yo. This summer and last summer's flights were absolutely hectic. Babe in arms is much, much easier

Mineisthebestdog · 14/11/2018 06:46

Glad she is better now, that must have been a scary time for you. Thanks

I quite understand not wanting to take her to the US at the moment. However I would say that she is a far easier age to travel with now than trying to do it next Christmas.

Original poster
Mowly75 · 14/11/2018 06:48

I am feeling guilt & I am mightily fed up of it! Guilt that my entire family is counting on me getting on a plane so they can see their cute grandchild / niece. How do I throw off the shackles of the guilt & run free & easy through life the wind in my hair no longer worried about letting people down... is the magic formula simply to give no fucks ... about your own family ..??? I’m struggling!

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 14/11/2018 06:49

You could claim that they won't insure her for a reoccurance of her recent illness and you don't want to risk it.

Might even be true!

Poor baby Flowers hope she is ok now.

TipseyTorvey · 14/11/2018 06:52

Read the book the magical art of not giving a fuck. Seriously has made my life and decisions so much easier. Just write an email saying you're not going and send it and relax - weight off your mind job done. Stop angsting and do it!

VenusInSpurs · 14/11/2018 06:55

In general, taking a 4m old to the states for Christmas should be fine.

However, you sound very anxious and a bit overwhelmed about it. And you’ve been through a tough time.

Travelling once they can crawl or toddle is worse!

PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck · 14/11/2018 06:59

You could go this year while she's young enough to travel more easily...then gets you off the hook for next year when she's a toddler. They can come to you instead next year. But if you really don't want to go, just be honest and say it's been a stressful time and you and her don't feel up to such a big trip - go at Easter instead or something.

mathanxiety · 14/11/2018 07:00

How do I throw off the shackles of the guilt & run free & easy through life the wind in my hair no longer worried about letting people down...

Skype.
WhatsApp.
Facetime.
Probably a few others...

You will probably find the trip isn't as bad as you are anticipating. Your worst problem might be your MIL who lives in France tagging along. But it's a big ask on their part to put you through such a trip with a baby. You need to take it easy after the stress of DD's illness.

Just send an email regretting you won't be there, wishing everyone a very happy holiday season. Download some apps and invite them to connect with you that way.

GinIsIn · 14/11/2018 07:04

If you want to take the baby at some point then now is the time, as it’s much harder once they are mobile.

However if you are feeling anxious about it then just say no. Put yourself and your baby first.

Original poster
Mowly75 · 14/11/2018 07:07

Hmm I also take the point from the posters who say it’s easier to travel with a small baby. I imagine she’ll sleep on the flight. I also have a degree of FOMO when it comes to family Christmas. This is turning into a seriously mind melding decision ...

OP posts:
EK36 · 14/11/2018 07:10

I truly wouldn't go if I felt like that. Just say you're sorry but you're not feeling 100% yet. Make it next year when you're feeling better.

swingofthings · 14/11/2018 07:13

I took DD to the USA when she was 9 weeks old and I was filled with dread and fear before. It was mainly fuelled by my lack of sleep and exhaustion as DD suffered from colic. I had the exact same worry than you, her routine changing, her being over stimulating - meaning her not sleeping night, and therefore neither I, whilst everyone else slept the busy day away with fulffilment! Not being in my own place, comfort, being able to step away etc....

I went because I felt pressured and cried before as so didn't want to. As it turned out, it wasn't as bad as I feared. Jetlag is not as bas when sleep isn't great anyway. DD was mostly the same than at home and although it was hard and exhausting. It was actually nice to be distracted and I even managed to get a bit into the spirit of the holiday.

I was very pleased to be home and go back to my comfort zone but the break wasn't half as bad as I'd feared.

The thing is, it was 19 years ago and what I remember from it now is the good part of it, not the exhaustion and worries and I never regretted it.

Lazypuppy · 14/11/2018 07:14

Honestly travelling with a 4 month old is so much easier than even a 9 month old. Do night time flights if you can as naturally baby should sleep majority of the flight.

We took our LO away when she was 4 months, 8 months and 9 months.

There was a massive change just between 8 and 9 months for us as she didn't want to sleep and just wanted to play.

Stopandlook · 14/11/2018 07:17

I did it. It’s actually fine and easier at that age. Entertaining a 12 month old on a long flight is less fun...

But I had a lot of help from DH, so depends if they do their bit. And to be honest the sleep regression on our return was bad,

Sowhatifidosnore · 14/11/2018 07:17

Took ours at that age, no probs, they mostly sleep anyway on plane and jet lag really didn’t seem to affect baby anyway as they sleep when tired. BUT having been ill is different, you do need to be more careful. And insurance may not cover if she gets the same thing again so soon. One of our D.C. needed an over night in a USA hospital, and an ambulance ride, for asthma attack and then I’ll was over $10k! Which was covered by insurance thank goodness...