To think my mum is difficult, controlling, and cruel?

[brihalv]

Where to start. I'm 30 years old and just realised, through counseling, that a lot of my anxiety issues stem from my mum.

Now I feel a bit daft posting this with all the horrid abuse some people endure. And I am wondering if I have a reason to think she's cruel or if I'm overreacting. That is why I'm here.

Lots of things happened in my childhood that I'm not sure are "normal".

She set me up with a coworker's son when I was 15 and referred to him as her 'son-in-law'. Creepy IMO. He was a complete arse. When we broke up she flew off the handle and asked what I did to fuck it up.

When I was 6 I had a friend over and we put a bit of shaving cream on the tile floor and slid around, typical kid stuff. After that I was never allowed to have friends over ever again until I was 18.

She never has liked how I've styled my hair. For the past 10 years I've heard "Your hair is ugly" "Your hair is flat" "You look like a librarian". When I lived at home and was styling my hair she'd walk into the bathroom, unplug my styler, would walk off with it.

Lots of things like that. In between, constantly critiquing the way I do things and saying I'm wrong. Once, a teacher told her I was in the top 10% of my class academically, from then on if I got less than perfect marks I'd be critiqued and punished.

If I did things my own way and she disagreed with them I'd be told "You're an idiot" "Who does this" "You are so STRANGE" etc.

As an adult I am crippled with social anxiety and feel that people don't really like me. I feel a lot of this is my upbringing.

Am I being unreasonable?

Oh! And I styled my hair differently recently. She noticed and told my husband "I noticed Bri has styled her hair differently, is she taking her antidepressants? She must be feeling better and having less social anxiety now that it isn't the same old flat hairdo". Husband told me this about a week ago.

...Didn't know how to respond to that really.

Yup....she is horrible.
Can you go low contact with her with a view to cutting ties with her altogether?

No you are not. My husband was 42 before he realised his 'normal' wasn't normal at all. He has 4 siblings all have some mental health issues because his mother was so controlling and extremely negative. To this day she has never forgiven him for not getting a degree, like it was a deliberate insult to herself. At the moment she is currently wittling away at his confidence by ridiculing his appearance - he is 45!

Counselling does help to some extent, but having strong boundaries and working out how much time (if any) is healthy for you. You have my best wishes xx

I feel she is undermining you. I don’t think you are being unreasonable, quite the opposite- I think you have been very perceptive to recognise and begin to deal with it.

That all sounds very unpleasant and confusing for a child to deal with. I can see how anxiety could be a result of constantly being criticised like that.

Does your husband know what she was like towards you? If he does, then you can talk to him about how this is another example of her criticising and undermining.

Do you think you could tell her that you don't want to here her constant criticisms and if she doesn't have anything kind to say then don't say anything at all? If she continues then see less of her and tell her that her criticism is why you don't want to see her.

It took years of challenging my Mother to get her to realise she doesn't get to insult me, or even be unkind.

At times I was NC, but mainly LC.

What did your DH say and why did he feel the need to share it with you?

Nope yanbu and please don’t feel bad for posting either. I’m sorry to say your dh sounds unkind and controlling. Stay strong and true to yourself and don’t listen to the nagging voice inside.

Zero contact, realise she's being unreasonable and has been all your life.

Definitely not your fault.

Thanks ladies.

I think I'm going to go LC at the end of the year once Christmas is done. I posted another thread, but I just had a DD. Mum tore apart my name choice so I named her something else that my mum liked...I have a need to please people and be loved (which I'm trying bloody hard to get over). Now I realised how horrid she was and I changed DD's name to what it always should have been- the name I loved. A bit of an awakening if you will. I always knew she was a bit of a bitch but this was the moment I realised how truly much she had dug her venomous claws in. The entire time my mum saying things like "Who does this" "You're an idiot" "You're an embarrassment"

DH knows she got under my skin with this, so he shared what she said to him.

She was over the other night - critiqued both of us for giving DD a bath that was "too hot", critiqued me for opening the garage door when DD was asleep, critiqued DH for soothing DD once she stirred awake. I don't think I'm going to allow her over anymore.

She sounds a tad Narcissistic....putting you down making her feel better?? There are similarities between your story and mine - and the effect having narcissistic parents had on me - but they have been out of my life for years now (it took a while), and I'd never have a relationship with my mother again - blood is not thicker that water so to speak - you can't choose your parents, you can choose to let them into (or out of) your life though.

You just need to decide what is best for you - for me, regardless of relationship, I just won't allow the 'toxic' person in -

My mum was a lot like this as well as physically abusive. I cut her out about 6 years ago and honestly it was the best, most liberating thing I have ever done. Don’t let her make you feel like shit for the rest of your life just because you share DNA. You deserve better than that. It’s not easy but so so worth it

Are you sure she's your dm,? Are you adopted, maybe?

I think I'd be clear with your DH that you don't want him passing on her cruel comments, as no good will come of it. If he wants to help he needs to tell her to stop saying things like that to him.

@Singlenotsingle - I perhaps wonder if I cramped DM's style and that's why she's so cruel at times! She was 38 when she had me, childfree, and I was accidental... then she had to get married. She was quite content living on her own in a flat in Birmingham until I came along. She moans about my dad too on a daily basis, she can be a right twat.

@AssassinatedBeauty - I did say that to DH. He's a bit passive and doesn't like to stir the waters so I can appreciate that. But even for my sake I just don't want to hear it - I know it shouldn't bother me but hearing that shite from her just spins me up.

There's some good books out there OP - think I read one called 'will I ever be good enough' - healing from narcissistic parenting -

I also read a guide to separation from it/ her/ them - can't remember the title now but it did help - personally, breaking the relationship with her was the best thing I ever did - she was 'you'll always be begging me/ need me in your life'...when in reality she left when I was 11, turned up now and again on her terms, and only when she thought there was something in it for her, was never happier than when I was going through a tough time.....was always there then to gloat or make the situation worse -

5 years and I'll never look back - I really just hope for Karma and one day she'll actually realise what she put me through....but if she doesn't, it doesn't matter - I'll never know anyway!

I think that is lovely that your daughter's name represents your new strength in starting to protect yourself from your mother.

Why wait until Christmas? Go LC now! She sounds utterly horrific.

I missed as to whether or not you have had counselling but I hope you can arrange some.

Have you seen Stately Homes? You're not alone.

as @toomuchtoold said - have a look at Stately homes thread. You are no alone and if it's any consolation I didn't really question how "not normal" my childhood was until I had a child of my own at 37 then it all started dropping in to place. It was almost a lightbulb moment when I realised she was toxic and a narc and it wasn't actually me!
Seeing that I wasn't alone by reading the threads on here was a massive comfort.
You have a DD now - do what's best for you both.
I went LC and it's much better and I also never leave my children alone with her.
Good luck with figuring through it all.

She's emotionally abusive. My DM was the same even down to laughing at my "really funny straight hair',which everyone else always complimented me on. It was 24/7 put downs, she annihilated my confidence & self esteem. Limit your contact. You're the handy scapegoat for her own unhappiness. Counselling helped me but my DM didn't take kindly to the worm turning. NC was best decision I ever made.

Thanks ladies! I'm so confused honestly. As an adult, I don't even know what's "normal" or not. My mum constantly said I'm "selfish" "idiot" "strange" so now in everyday, normal interactions I often wonder to myself if I'm selfish for asking for what I'd like.

I also highly considered not posting this thread as I thought I was just whingeing!

Also believe that I'm "strange" so I find that I avoid people because of my lack of self-esteem.

Never really realised how much she messed me up until I turned 30.

Had an interaction with her about a month back where I wondered aloud "I don't know how I got to be this way" and she flew off the handle and said a bunch of shite like "Oh don't blame this on me. It's always MY FAULT isn't it!"

I thought I'd go LC after Christmas since I'd be seeing her around quite a bit with the holidays, but perhaps I'll start now...

YANBU. She is a bitch. Go NC

Aww this is such a sad read (I read your original post and am so glad you changed baby's name to the one you love) as a child my step dad was physically abusive (I hid it from mum thinking I was protecting her) my mum has been my rock and so supportive my whole life and could no imagine going through what you have. I think you are so strong and clearly an amazing mum yourself, if I was you I would distance myself from her for both yours and your dds sake. Don't let this get you down (easier said I know having not been there) but at least you can see it isn't right. I wish you all the luck in the world

Singlenotsingle Tue 13-Nov-18 20:50:32
Are you sure she's your dm,? Are you adopted, maybe?

That’s a really offensive comment. There’s so many things wrong with it.

Adoptive parents are not more likely to be abusive than biological parents, in fact they are LESS likely to be abusive.

And if the OP was adopted, her adoptive mother would still be her mother.

The OPs mothers behaviour is more likely to be because of HER personality. It’s victim blaming to suggest to the Op that’s it’s her fault or she deserves it in some way because she might be adopted.

The responsibility for the abusive behaviour lies with the mother, not with the OP.