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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For being furious with DH because DD hurt herself whilst he was on his bloody blackberry

88 replies

Yabbadabbadooo · 19/06/2007 22:58

Today DH and I were out at a school event. Whilst we were there DD1 needed the loo and so I took her leaving DH with DD2. Whilst DD1 was being a typical toddler and mucking around in the loos I caught sight of him on the other side of the playground totally engrossed with this blackberry, despite the fact he'd taken the morning off work. DD2 was in the pram, straps not on and she was standing up in it. I couldn't yell to DH to get her to sit down because a) I was inside and b) there were 50 small children country dancing in the playground between us and he wouldn't have heard me unless I shrieked.

Anyway, DD1 finally finishes farting around in the loo and I come out of the block I"m in to see him cradling a clearly very distraught DD2. Parents around him are giving him wet towels and he's tending to her head. So, it's clear to me that she's fallen headlong out of the pushchair, onto concrete.

I told him at the time I was angry but as I had hear to deal with I focused on her more than him and he played the incident down somewhat. He then went back to work and I spent the afternoon with a very grumpy baby. When he came back he was very concerned about her and told me that the fall was actually so bad that he heard her head hit the concrete. So, after playing it down it seems it was more of a heavy fall than he'd originally said.

So, I'm totally effing furious with him for this. This is the third time she's hurt herself on his watch (similar no. of injuries on my watch but I'ma SAHM so I'm there more often IYKWIM). She's a rough and tumble little kid and needs watching like a hawk and after a previous incident we had words about how he needs to be more vigilant. Now, I know accidents happen and blame is not appropriate but I can't help but be so frigging furious that he allowed her to hurt herself in that way when she was literally right next to him, just becuse he's so addicted to that sodding blackberry.

Also it turned out he didn't even know what were the signs of concussion - he kept telling me to let her sleep.

I am so fed up with him tonight that I said I thought he was negligent and that unless he was more vigilant of the kids then I couldn't feel happy with him looking after them on his own. I suspect that was below the belt. Was it? Did he deserve a lecture?

OP posts:

Original poster

Yabbadabbadooo · 20/06/2007 13:27

SoupDragon - he knew she was not strapped in, believe me.

notthewabbit - thanks - exactly how I feel.

OP posts:

snowleopard · 20/06/2007 13:28

Yabba, I'm totally with you and don't agree you were partly to blame. If DP handed DS over to me while he went to the toilet, it would be my responsibility from the moment I had him - to strap him into his buggy, or else watch him closely, etc. I think your DH has behaved outrageously - not just in being neglectful, but like you say in refusing to carry the can and eat humble pie.

My DP can get a bit like this with the technology (he doesn't have a blackberry but something similar) and to be honest I just go on and on at him about how he must be careful, not let DS out of his sight etc etc, not be distracted by texts and emails etc, put it away and focus on DS. I do worry about when they're out together but I think I've hammered it home. It just is not acceptable.

Ask DH this. How about if you had a nanny to look after your child and s/he let them fall on their head, or run into the road, or get lost, because they turned their back and pleased themselves - playing on a nintendo, maybe doing their make-up or chatting to a friend? Would you consider them to be not up to the job? Of course. He needs to realise childcare is a serious task, not something going on in the background - and he needs to realise how very serious the consequences could be if he carries on like this.

I would also tell him you want a deal with him - if he is in charge of children, that means blackberry off, as it is obviously dangerous.

I don't think it is just about frequency of accidents either. Children do have scrapes and bumps, of course they do. But what gets me here is that it was avoidable. If you're doing your best and being vigilant and caring, yes there will still be knocks. But when you could be watching and you can't be arsed, and then there's an accident - that's your fault.

He is to blame here and YANBU.

Wisteria · 20/06/2007 13:28

I think that's the point, we all make mistakes at times and some children seem more prone to accidents than others. Men are always defensive when they're at fault it's their nature!
He probably feels worse about it than you realise and maybe you do too for not strapping in, after all it does only takes a sec. Very frustrating these techno buff hubbies though and I do sympathise x

littlelapin · 20/06/2007 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wallace · 20/06/2007 13:31

Ah, ok (confused as to how our fluffy bunny is notthewabbit)

Songbird · 20/06/2007 13:32

ooh, but look, you used the word 'erudite'

littlelapin · 20/06/2007 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foxinsocks · 20/06/2007 13:32

oh for crying out loud, no-one is blaming you. They are just pointing out how ridiculous it is to apportion blame for these sort of things.

If I had to apologise to dh (or 'hold my hands up') when the children hurt themselves in my care, I'd be bloody outraged, I really would.

It was an ACCIDENT. He did not mean her to come to any harm. And that's all there is to it.

It is VERY easy when you do not spend every day with your children to FORGET to do the things that come as second nature to you and to not be able to 'perceive' the dangers like we can do.

I'm not excusing him taking his eye off her and he does sound a bit of a doofus but he's their father, your husband, presumably the man you love and I think you are giving him a hell of a hard time for making a mistake. You really are.

Original poster

Yabbadabbadooo · 20/06/2007 13:35

snowleopard - thank you for that post - and for your interesting view point re. the nanny. I agree if it had been a nanny I would seriously been reviewing her position.

BTW I do value others' viewpoints on this, so thanks for those too - even if I do totally disagree . It's useful to see what he might be thinking.

OP posts:

mumto3girls · 20/06/2007 13:36

If i saw my dd standing up in a pram i would have told dd1 to stay in the toliet and i would have ran across the playfround in the hope of getting there before it happened. But that's just me...i am not judging.

I think some of your anger with dh is justified but he cannot take all the blame.

I would phone the inlaws and just report how dd2 is doing ( and take opportunity to tell whole story)

I would also insist that the stupid blackberry is switched off whilst dh is with dd's. 14hrs a day is wok enouh for anyone.

Original poster

Yabbadabbadooo · 20/06/2007 13:37

Foxinsocks - moving on from the OP we're talking accidentS and mistakeS though aren't we? One would have to be a saint to just glibly accept that surely, and I'm certainly no saint.

OP posts:

snowleopard · 20/06/2007 13:38

But fox! This was a really serious accident caused by him not even looking at DD and getting completely immersed in something else, when he was supposed to be in charge of her. It wasn't a little scrape or an everyday knock. It was negligence of the type that would have any nanny or nursery worker fired.

I agree apportioning blame for every accident is daft, but if this was my DP I'd definitley blame him for being so stupid and not looking after our child properly. And there is no "blame culture" in our house.

foxinsocks · 20/06/2007 13:42

but do you think he doesn't realise that? I think he's just had the fright of his life.

if I clocked up all the accidents that happened when I took my eye off mine, I'm sure I'd have been sacked as a mother a long time ago

Singapore · 20/06/2007 13:46

Me too foxinsock, I think the more he refuses to acknowledge this accident, just proves what a shock he got and how awful he feels about it. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment! He must be feeling like crap

Blu · 20/06/2007 13:47

I am a very 'accidents happen' type of person, but in circumstances where i had explicitly said 'no standoing' etc, and then seen her standing up and DH engrossed in blackberry, i would be mad. And expect DH to acknowledge that he had *d up. But it would be contained within the instance - I wouldn't then define him as a crap parent and threten to not let him look after the kids. Hopefully he has learned his lesson! He sounds as if he was pretty shaken up by it, ..it might be best to leave him at the mercy of his own conscince rather than harangue him.

Oblomov · 20/06/2007 13:47

Foxinsocks - are you sure he has had a fright ? I think he is a man whose priorites are elsewhere, who is in denial and can not accept what he has done ( ostrich tendancies = so many men) and has done this many times before.

I agree with peope who say that there are a number of issues that need to be addressed here - its not the actual 'accident' today that is the problem - it is his actual attitude.

foxinsocks · 20/06/2007 13:53

many times before? leaving a stair gate open, letting them 'slip' in the bath. Hardly crimes of the century, are they!

Yabba said 'When he came back he was very concerned about her and told me that the fall was actually so bad that he heard her head hit the concrete' - that does not sound like he's not realised what happened. In fact, it sounds like he played it down because he felt so bloody awful.

littlelapin · 20/06/2007 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Yabbadabbadooo · 20/06/2007 13:57

Fox - they would if she had hurt herself because of them. I think he has the same approach as you - nothing happened so no harm done, but he's not learning about the possibility that something could happen if that situation arises again.

FWIW, yes I do think he had a fright.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 20/06/2007 13:58

he's not the perfect parent. Burn him at the stake!

It's a couple of incidents. He's fucked up. Making him bow down and apologise and have him threatened with never looking after the kids again is hardly the way to move on.

Original poster

Yabbadabbadooo · 20/06/2007 14:00

Woahh there Fox. I simply said I wouldn't feel happy with him looking after the kids if he didn't be more vigilant. I haven't banned him from seeing them. Two very differnt concepts and let's keep to what I said.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 20/06/2007 14:00

did dd2 tell you about the mower incident?

foxinsocks · 20/06/2007 14:01

yes, but I bet that's what he feels. Because that's what it would sound like to me if my partner said that to me.

Original poster

Yabbadabbadooo · 20/06/2007 14:03

I'd gone for a walk with DD1 to our corner shop and came back to find him mowing. I instandly asked where she was and immediately began to look for her. Found her in the wood screaming her head off with holly leaves stuck to her hands.

DD2 too young to talk. Only 15 mo.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yabbadabbadooo · 20/06/2007 14:05

OK fair point. I expect he might well feel that and I agree it's too harsh.

OP posts:

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