For being furious with DH because DD hurt herself whilst he was on his bloody blackberry

[Yabbadabbadooo]

Today DH and I were out at a school event. Whilst we were there DD1 needed the loo and so I took her leaving DH with DD2. Whilst DD1 was being a typical toddler and mucking around in the loos I caught sight of him on the other side of the playground totally engrossed with this blackberry, despite the fact he'd taken the morning off work. DD2 was in the pram, straps not on and she was standing up in it. I couldn't yell to DH to get her to sit down because a) I was inside and b) there were 50 small children country dancing in the playground between us and he wouldn't have heard me unless I shrieked.

Anyway, DD1 finally finishes farting around in the loo and I come out of the block I"m in to see him cradling a clearly very distraught DD2. Parents around him are giving him wet towels and he's tending to her head. So, it's clear to me that she's fallen headlong out of the pushchair, onto concrete.

I told him at the time I was angry but as I had hear to deal with I focused on her more than him and he played the incident down somewhat. He then went back to work and I spent the afternoon with a very grumpy baby. When he came back he was very concerned about her and told me that the fall was actually so bad that he heard her head hit the concrete. So, after playing it down it seems it was more of a heavy fall than he'd originally said.

So, I'm totally effing furious with him for this. This is the third time she's hurt herself on his watch (similar no. of injuries on my watch but I'ma SAHM so I'm there more often IYKWIM). She's a rough and tumble little kid and needs watching like a hawk and after a previous incident we had words about how he needs to be more vigilant. Now, I know accidents happen and blame is not appropriate but I can't help but be so frigging furious that he allowed her to hurt herself in that way when she was literally right next to him, just becuse he's so addicted to that sodding blackberry.

Also it turned out he didn't even know what were the signs of concussion - he kept telling me to let her sleep.

I am so fed up with him tonight that I said I thought he was negligent and that unless he was more vigilant of the kids then I couldn't feel happy with him looking after them on his own. I suspect that was below the belt. Was it? Did he deserve a lecture?

thanks for the support - glad to hear I'm not the only blackberry widow. Am loving Crackberry tho!! So true.

Choosyfloosy - my issue is that DH wasn't concentrating because he was sending non essential emails (i.e. working) when he was supposed to be looking after dd for the mere 5 mins it took for me to take dd to the loo. I can't see how the issues are seperate, or even if it's worth trying to as the basic facts remain the same.

It's like he seized the moment to get his Blackberry fix and that's what makes me see red. I suppose that if he had been watching TV / reading a book I would have been angry too but since the Blackberry has joined our family that seems to be his no. 1 passtime, which he can always "justify" because he's "working".

Who didn't do the straps up when she was in the pram?

I think you got an awful shock but I also think he has had a big fright now and will probably be more vigilant.

However, in your shoes, I'd be letting him look after them more not less. I'm sure he doesn't love them any less than you do and he's only going to get the hang of how to look after them by spending time with them.

I also think that you need to be a bit careful with this whole 'blame culture' - children are not easy to look after. We don't all realise when they need to see the doctor or forsee every danger - that's just parenting for you. You (or him) do not need to hold up your hands every time you think you've made a mistake. No parent is perfect and parenting is all about making mistakes and then learning/moving on from them!

although it is super crap knowing your child is about to really hurt themselves and being powerless to stop it, so I do sympathise

but I think keeping count of how many injuries happen on each watch and having to hold your hands up every time either one of you makes a 'mistake' is going to be very hard work for both of you!

Agree with fox.

I have to say I wouldn't dream of telling my DH off - specially not over his way of looking after the kids - and he wouldn't do it to me either. They are his children also and you have to assume that he cares about them as much as you do - just in a different way. I think the fright he felt will have done the trick.

Sorry, disagree. He was being negligent. He claearly doesn't understand how much they need to be watched, but he needs to put the Blackberry away and concentrate on his child.

he's not a child and that's how he's being spoken to/treated it seems

foxinsocks - i understand your point and I do agree but what made me see red is that we've been here before. So he's not learning from the mistakes is he and that's what's making me so pissed off.

He never remembers to shut the stair gates, she's always slipping in the bath when he washes them, the other day he decided to mow the lawn whilst I popped out and DD2 wandered into a woody part of our garden and fell over into a pile of dead holly leaves - he certainly couldn't see her and the noise of the mower meant he couldn't hear her screams either.

So now we're moving away from the realm of the Blackberry issue and the key and worrying thing for me is that he simply doesn't effing well think. I can't really give him more time with her as he's at work 14 hours a day - he only sees them at the weekend.

It's not as if I've not raised gentle reminders and never talked to him about it before - so surely going for the jugular now after countless reminders and increasing frustration at his lack of care is pretty much what's called for. Every other tactic has failed.

This is off the point, and I don't know if it applies to the OP, but I do think that we are often inclined to think of ourselves as the carers for our children and their fathers are "helping" us do it. We sometimes even say that they are babysitting! People do things differently, and I do sometimes think that we make things harder for ourselves by unconciously undermining fathers when they don't do things our way. Just a thought.....

Accidents happen. My first priority wouldn't be working out who to blame.

Well, to me by being careless and not accepting responsibility he is acting like a child.

Was it your dh who put her in the pram?

vimfuego - agree, which was why I tended to her first and this blew up later once they were in bed.

I have to say that I'm a little amazed that some on here would appear to be saying that they would not bat an eyelid if their Dh / DP was like this. Of course accidents happen, but the thing one has to question is the frequency, surely? What exactly has to happen before he does learn?

And before anyone says something OTT like he's a danger to them-that is NOT what I'm saying. He's just not thinking ahead, which is causing the problems.

I understand where you are coming from but I really do think that coming down on him like a tonne of bricks and analysing his parenting with a fine tooth comb will only make things worse. You'll get him to the 'I can never do it as well as you can, therefore I'll give up trying' stage which is not what you want.

What job does he do that he needs his phone on all the time? Does he work at weekends?

I put her in the pram and told him to watch her whilst I took the other one to the loo - I even said that she must not be allowed to stand up. I didn't do the straps because DD1 needed the loo NOW and I assumed that he would either strap dd2 in or watch her. I'm sure you can imagine the scene.

Well then, you were also negligent and partly to blame for not strapping her in.

ok, just wondered if she had climbed in herself.

Partly, which I accept, but I advised him of the danger. Have you never done the same?

I would have had to tell my dh to strap her in if I was racing off. He wouldn't think of it himself

But that's a chicken and egg thing isn't it soupdragon? We drove off with my DS#2 not strapped into his car seat the other day. DH had put him in there and then got into the drivers seat. I got into the back next to him and didn't notice. Who's fault was that? Both of us I'd say. His for not doing it, mine for not checking.

He's not a child, so he shouldn't be spoken to like one, yet the OP is supposed to tell him the simplest things or she's to blame?

FFS

Of course I've done the same (and many more things which with hindsight were stupid) but I've not then laid full blame onto someone else. As for advising him of the danger, you told him she shouldn't stand up. He could (and it sounds likely given his general abilities ) assumed that you'd strapped in so therefore couldn't stand up.

I wasn't saying she should have told him to strap her in, just that I would have had to tell my dh, who does have to be told the simplest thing