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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so homesick I feel like I’ve ruined my life.

28 replies

BordjyBoo · 13/11/2018 18:59

Please talk some sense into me. And be gentle. I’m 23, me and my DP have just moved into our first home and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I literally feel like I’m going insane. I can’t stop missing my family. I thought I was so ready for this and I was so excited but now I just feel terrible. I only live 15mins from my parents but I feel like I can’t stay away from their house or stop messaging them.

I never ever thought I would feel like this but I do! I need someone to give me some sense :( every time I pull up to the house I have a knot in my stomach and I just can’t get my head around not seeing my family every day. It’s so weird. This is really unlike me, I’m very close to my parents and was very ready for this as had outgrown having just a bedroom.

I find myself filling up with tears at literally anything and I’m not sleeping well. I feel awful and sorry for my parents for leaving them. When I visit them I literally feel no better. I’ve been here 3 days and off work so have nothing else to occupy my thoughts. What on Earth is wrong with me ? Has this happened to anyone else? Will it pass? My new home is lovely and DP is working tirelessly to make it a home. He’s younger than me and doesn’t feel like this. I feel like my brain has been replaced with this alien one and my thoughts are so intrusive. If someone had asked me if I thought I’d feel like this I would have said surely not.

I’m cracking up Sad

OP posts:
EradicatetheDoubt · 13/11/2018 19:02

You sound like you are going through a huge stress reaction Flowers

Do you feel panicky?

Original poster
BordjyBoo · 13/11/2018 19:02

Yes I feel very panicky Sad

OP posts:
FlapAttack23 · 13/11/2018 19:05

Omg dont worry. I was in this boat 8 years ago and felt exactly the same. I think i refused to leave my bed and cried non stop.for about 5 days 😂😂😂

I did the same for about 2 weeks after i got married .

And i am absolutely happy as larry now. Homesickness is real and it sucks.. even if not far away. Is a huge change and that's what your body is responding to. Dont mistake that to mean that youre not happy with your choices.

Honestly youll be fine.. will settle and will pass! Be kind to yourself and let yourself mope for a few weeks and just plan little nice things like afternoon tea and get some.flowers in the house. Dont make everything about new house.. is overwhelming.

I even had this when we moved house recently... our first own home. Cried for days 😂😂 love this house.

Is a bit scary when so unexpected but ive got used to it now

Becoming a.mum was a piece of piss
. Traded my old battered car in.. was homesick for it for 2 weeks despite my lovely newer car. I even called up and asked for it back 😂😂😂😂😂 they said no 😅

Si1ver · 13/11/2018 19:07

The thing is about moving home, your brain has to learn to do things again. So actions that were previously automatic, say going to the kitchen to make a cup of tea, going to the bathroom to brush your teeth, you now need to think about. Your brain has to make an effort to remember where the new kitchen is, where the new bathroom is and you have process your new surroundings. It's a load more work. It's exhausting you.

It takes up to four months for your brain to adapt to new surrounds and for you to feel at home in a new place. Feeling overwhelmed is totally normal and when you add in leaving home for the first time I'm not surprised that it's a bit much for you.

Be kind to yourself and give it some time. Things will settle down.

FlapAttack23 · 13/11/2018 19:07

I dont know many others who are like this though but i am not anxious day to day and i am not stressed.. just big changes freak me out a bit even when theyre good changes! Luckily my husband knows not to take them personally.

If it stays like this after a week or two then maybe go dr etc but to me this sounds totally normal and it'll pass!!

TeddyIsaHe · 13/11/2018 19:08

Oh love! I was the exact same when I first moved out - honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like I was trapped in the house with nothing and nowhere to go (I wasn’t).

It does get better! It’s such a change and now I wouldn’t move back home even if I was paid very large amounts of cash.

Agree with pp, having dd was a walk in the park compared to moving out for the first time 😂

user1468942365 · 13/11/2018 19:11

Have your parents been visiting you? Might that be more helpful than you going there? You could 'play house' sort of thing and get used to seeing them outside of their home. I hope it passes for you. I'm sure it will. Flowers

gendercritter · 13/11/2018 19:11

I am exactly the same at any big change. Is this your first move out of the family home?

Give it time. I think it takes at least a year for somewhere to feel like home. If you can get photos up and put your stamp on the place it helps too. Have your family/friends round to yours to start making memories there and make it as cosy as you can. You'll settle.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 13/11/2018 19:12

My little boy gets homesick even when we go on holiday and is with us. He loves his bedroom and his stuff.

Don’t worry about your mum and dad they will adapt abs maybe have a few cheeky shags which you are probably my ruining by being there!! This will pass and you will settle into your new reality.

FlapAttack23 · 13/11/2018 19:14

Put some.photos and familiar stuff on walls too.. that helps!

POPholditdown · 13/11/2018 19:19

I was the same when I left my nan and grandads. My nan told me my grandad was the same but hid it from me!

I’ve no real advice other than it does eventually get easier, as you start to enjoy your own space more.

I’m nearly 30 and actually get homesick when I go to work sometimesHmm

MiddlingMum · 13/11/2018 19:31

It sounds like a huge reaction to the change. Maybe you could start to "bond" with your new place a bit by just wandering round it slowly, getting used to the layout, the different way things work, and just pottering. It sounds daft, but even stroking the walls and the surfaces will help you feel connected.

Are there any bits you need to put your own stamp on it? Cushions, lamps, photos? Could you invite your parents round for tea, and make a big effort to make it as lovely as possible?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2018 19:34

It's your anxiety talking due to this big life change. You're not going crazy and you will get over it, much more quickly if you simply allow yourself to feel sad while at the same time carrying on. Start working on making your new house a home. Unpack, decorate, clean, whatever. Just stay busy and crack on. I also suggest you stop messaging your parents so often and don't visit everyday. I'm sure you recognise that's a bit OTT.

Missingstreetlife · 13/11/2018 19:38

You will be fine. Invite family round. Make food, cake or something. I think there is a Bach flower remedy for coping with change, or rescue remedy, from chemist or health food shop. You should be doing stuff to make it home too, don't leave it all to dp, it will help you settle in. Better when you go to work, come and go from house alone and wth dp, others. Have your first row! and make up.You are coping with living together as well as moving. Give it a few weeks. A pet might help, even a goldfish, but only if you want one anyway.

Original poster
BordjyBoo · 13/11/2018 19:39

Thank you for all your responses guys. I just needed to hear it from someone because no matter how much I try to apply logic my brain just tells me “panic”

DP just does not understand so I’m not going to mention it to him anymore. Although I wanted him to know why it might seem I’m acting strange.

My parents and younger brother are coming round on Friday night so hopefully that should make it feel better. I just feel all round bloody awful.

I don’t know what to do with myself, where to put myself etc. Can honestly say I have never ever had this feeling before

OP posts:
FlapAttack23 · 13/11/2018 19:39

I wouldn't recommend a pet.. i got a puppy to try help distract myself... that was a whole new disaster 😂😂😅

Goldfish or hamster yes!

Jezzifishie · 13/11/2018 19:42

Whenever I move house (and it's been a lot) I have a depressive episode afterwards. Every time, even if I've been really looking forward to the move/love the house etc. You have my sympathy! Only thing that works for me is time, it always lifts in the end.

PumpkinKitty82 · 13/11/2018 19:42

I moved out at 18 on my own with a 4 month old baby and lived in a skanky council flat so could be worse !
It’s understandable to be sad and miss them but you have to put it into perspective and realise you’re a grown up now, they only live 15 mins away and you can see them whenever you like.
You say you feel guilty for leaving them but maybe whilst they miss you, they’re actually glad you’ve finally moved out . I don’t mean that in a bad way but they could be happy you’ve found some independence .
Give it some time and concerntrate on making your house a home before it starts to bring your partner down too as he might feel awful thinking you don’t want to be there .
Chin up

Quartz2208 · 13/11/2018 19:44

I moved out once at 18 to go to Uni I remember crying and having to go home the first weekend. I then got used to it and enjoyed going back at the holidays.

Went back home for 2 years after Uni and was really excited to move out to live with a friend in a grown up 2 bed flat and go to work. I remember the first night panicking that I had made a mistake and being sad that I would never live at home again. Again it took time

Its the end of an era it ok to grieve it. You know you have made the right decision but still its the end of living with your parents

LizzieSiddal · 13/11/2018 19:45

Are you sure you are happy with your partner?

AnotherOriginalUsername · 13/11/2018 19:47

How come you're off work, is it just for the move? I'm sure once you get back to a normal routine, thinks will be much easier.

Tara336 · 13/11/2018 19:48

ITs a big life change. It’s only been a couple days and you’ve not had nearly enough time to adjust. Concentrate on making it home, have some familiar things around you. Invite your family to visit and maybe pop and see them some days. Once your in a little routine you’ll feel much better

IRememberSoIDo · 13/11/2018 19:50

Oh god I was the same when I first moved out. I used to call into my parents every night on my way home as I used to drive past their house. Tbh it's been 17 years and I'm married with two kids and live close by but sometimes when I'm there I want to stay!

littlemisscomper · 13/11/2018 19:51

Awwww OP, I know just how you feel! I'm very close with my family and I hate when I don't see them even for a couple of weeks! Do you like animals at all? If you do and you can afford it, and are allowed to keep them (not sure if you're renting or owners?) how about getting a pet or 2? They really help make a house feel like 'home'.

JugglingMummyof2 · 13/11/2018 19:52

OP seriously? I was coming on to give you sympathy as I assumed you had moved country and were struggling to settle knowing it would be a year or two until you could afford to see your family again!! They are 15 minutes away and you are living with your partner - not alone in a dingy bedsit, struggling to make ends meet, in a new job, not knowing a soul in an area with which you are unfamiliar.
You will be fine.