my ds has SEN but sometimes im genuinely ashamed

[staydazzling]

of his behaviour! i do and i feel terrible ds is 6 and has suspected asd adhd and dyspraxia, but can easily pass for NT with friends/aquaintances iyswim. some behaviour he can control some he can't , but being his mum I get the brunt of his meltdowns I already have an 8 year old is aspergers type asd, so live is far from easy but elder ds is fairly placid. But today like many other days he went running around the playground like a whirlwind was annoyed that it took 10 mins to get out the playground and then slapping hitting shouting at me as he wasn't pleased at me telling him off, its so embarrassing ive said to him before does he see any other kids doing that cuz I don't, I can feel the judgement and sometimes I feel ashamed. am I the only SEN mum who feels like this? i feel like it's an important topic as society shames mothers for voicing these ideas and SEN mothers are even more marginalized, I feel terrible but need to offload its so isolating.

I didn't see your first comment before deletion could u summarise?

Primark gives ME the rage...

Probably the bright lights and nylon fumes

I’ve given up shopping with DS2. He can’t cope with the bright lights, noise and people. He keeps asking to come (he’s 4) but every trip now ends in either a meltdown, or he gets agitated and telling everyone and everything to shut up.

Op stop and take a look around the playground there will be loads of children playing up. They have had a busy day some are tired.some have been cooped up in school all day they get outside they run about wild.

You are probably not noticing as you trying to rush your child's way from it.

My ds has no sen but he is terrible when he comes out of school loud and running about someday. I have learnt not to let it bother me as he is not the only one.

you're probably right just had a bad day

My D'S is 23 now and I really do sympathise.
Despite having had two well behaved NT children at the school the Head teacher of DS' Junior school blamed us and our poor parenting for DS ' behaviour. I am ashamed to say there were times I wished he hadn't been born, which I would never admit in RL.
It was a very lonely time. school
When we told them our choice of Secondary school they said 'They'll never cope with him there'. Totally wrong. The secondary school were far better than they had ever been.
Love the Primark incident. With D'S it was Mark's and Spencer. He loved branding too.

That was meant to be 'beatboxing'.

OP I feel your shame. It's awfully hard especially if theirs no formal diagnoses yet. I get it. The looks from all the other school yard mums. The sinking feeling when he's not let out with the class (a sure fire way of letting me know bad behaviour and meltdowns have happened) I'm exhausted with just the one and I have total respect for all of you with more children. You just have to tell yourself. Fuck the others who stare and make hurtful comments. This is my child. He/She is beautiful, unique and has just as much rite to be on this earth regardless of disability and non conformity. Good luck OP xx

We had similar issues with DS school Ladymargaret, I also had two NT children in the school. If he exploded at home because of anything related to school they would say "that's not a school problem, that's a home problem" because it happened at home. He doesn't like transitions and he would regularly run back into the yard and hide underneath the climbing frame. Usually I could coax him out or if my DDs teacher was passing she would tell him "it's home time now" and he would listen because it's a different voice. This is one afternoon he wouldn't budge, every time I tried to fish him out he was fighting me, I tried carrying him (7yo) and he was hitting/kicking so much I had to put him down and as soon as I did he ran back under the frame. I knew he was in the wrong school when I looked up and saw 3-4 members of staff, including the HT and DS class teacher, standing at the window watching. Not one of them thought to come see if everything was okay or to ask of everything was okay, they just stood and watched. Next day I went in to the office to pay his lunch money and the receptionist laughingly asked me what time I had gotten home so not only had they watched, they'd also told other staff about it. Bastards.

Ewitsahooman

We had that at my ds old school. Everyone on staff talking about him as gossip. Only one TA came up to me after a meltdown and said 'do you want to come in and have a cuppa...no one else knows what your life is like so take no notice'. She wasnt even usually that friendly a person and quite formidable. It's really stuck with me though as a single act of kindness in an otherwise bleak year.

I've spoken about it on here before but one parent turned the whole class against me as her husband threatened me and my son at a kids party and when I pulled him up on it she decided to weave an alternate universe where my son was some terrible danger to the other children, as she was desperate to be queen bee and was chair of PTA. We've moved now...but still struggling to let those feelings go!

My son's behaviour is much improved now he's away from toxic parents and their brainwashed offspring. Sure he's still got SEN and challenging behaviour but he's not lashing out through anxiety. I really hope those people think long and hard about how miserable they made a disabled child and his family...but I doubt they will.

Reading this thread in tears. I feel like this more often than I care to admit - thank you all for being honest and sharing.

My DS1 is 5, in Year 1 at mainstream and has ASD. He's an intelligent, empathetic and loving child but really struggles with sensory input and anger/emotions. We're waiting for OT input but it feels like it's taking an age.

Today he went into school in a massive huff and I can't figure out what the problem was. I'm agonising over it but know that this isn't the right thing to do. Deep breath, wait till after school for a hug and a hot chocolate together.

for all of you. And an un-MNetty hug.

I don't have SEN child but my friend does and I remember the judgy looks from the clique at school when he went into meltdown. Luckily my house was near the school so we could all go there for a cup of tea and chat.
Also some of us aren't judging you. My NT dd could bring a shop to a standstill with her tantrums as a kid.
We can laugh about it 10 years later but she and I had a full on row in Sainsbury's over bread when she was 14. I never wanted to shop there again (but had to)

That made me laugh!! Yep we have a list of places we give a wide berth now lol

There really needs to be a campaign to end stigma....with all the SEN funding stuff in the news you'd think more people would realise by now.

Briolover, im glad its helping some people. my ds ran away from me this morning saying get away! i wasnt pleased he'd got himself dirty before school and this kid, goes 'hes told you to get away! 🙈 oh dear.

We have 'LET ME GO' shouted repeatedly at top of his lungs. Because we've dared to hold his hand to cross a busy main road.... people look at us to see if were trying to abduct him!

(I should say he's 6 not a teenager)

Ah yes I get "YOU'RE HURTING ME" when 1) I'm trying to prevent him getting killed on the road so have his hand in mind 2) he is under sensitive to touch so it would take a lot to hurt him anyway.

He skipped out of school today, apologised for his "unacceptable behaviour" and we went home and had hot chocolate. When I asked him if he knew what "unacceptable behaviour" meant he looked at me blankly and said his teacher says it all the time and likes that he says it back so... that must be what he should say right? It did make me laugh.

😁 Brio
When mine was about 12 and having a strip in a shop he said loudly 'Look Mum, you're showing yourself up.'

A strop.

I understand OP. My 4 year old has ASD and I often feel ashamed and embarrassed. I'm getting calls from the school every week about her melt downs and refusal to engage with any of the work the school try and set her. It looks as though she'll be going to a special school next year. I deal with it by being aloof with parents in the playground as I hate to hear what their children have been saying about my daughter.
It's also difficult when trying to do something as simple as shoe shopping. She lashes out at everyone and has sensory issues. I'm constantly apologising for her. As someone mentioned previously, she can often pass as neuro typical in the first instance and as I try and hide it (I don't know why) I'm embarrassed when she doesn't enter into a conversation or starts going off into her own little world. Most of them are my issues but I understand the judgement you feel you face. So difficult. to you and everyone else going through difficult times.

You all have my greatest sympathy and admiration.

I don't have children at all and cannot imagine having to deal with this on a day in and day out basis.

I have two rescue dogs. The first perfectly behaved - socialised and a delight on walks. I smugly thought I was a great dog owner and if I am honest would judge other people who had badly behaved or aggressive dogs. They must be doing something wrong. Then I got my second rescue dog. Both treated in exactly the same way. The second is an absolute sweetheart but can be a complete and utter nightmare in public. Going ballistic at other dogs. Pulling me over, creating a scene. I get 'those looks' from other dog owners now. I feel the shame and embarrassment. It is absolutely no comparison to what you guys are dealing with and I am not pretending it is. It has opened my eyes though. As has this thread.

We should all aim to be kind. We have no idea what others are going through. People are truly fighting battles every day of which we have no knowledge. The last thing they need is judgement from others.

Having read your stories, you all have my utmost respect. Hang in there.

My son has ASD and I am often embarrassed by his behaviour. I try and keep my head down on the school run and avoid eye contact. Hearing other kids commenting on my son's naughtiness is really horrible. I remember once my son managed to take part in the school Xmas play. I was so proud. He was up front singing his heart out. Then one of the kids in his class came up to tell me that my DS was only at the front because he was so naughty

I can so relate. 3 asd/adhd boys close in age so you can imagine primary school pick ups and drop offs

I am regularly embarrassed by my 11 year old aspie girl. Can’t cope at school or organised activities as she has to have her way all the time. She’s mostly ok at home as it is a less demanding environment.

DD now at special school for behaviour problems. She is doing brilliantly as the pressure of mainstream is off, but wants to leave due to other kids behaviour (the irony).

My parents were quite strict and obsessed with good behaviour so I feel like a failure having a ‘naughty’ child. Thankfully my parents now believe in ASD and have been really supportive.

I have had schools blame me for my daughter’s behaviour but the constant who diagnosed, ed psych and other agencies involved have all praised our parenting. I still somehow feel responsible though.

Consultant not constant.

My 11yr old as just recently been diagnosed ASD. I understand him a bit better now we have the diagnosis, but its still not easy at all.

Primary school was very hard, the teacher who did the sen really helped me with the diagnosis mind, if it wasnt for her help I still dont think we'd have the diagnosis as his symptoms were more pronounced at school than at home. That said mind, because the diagnosis came in the last term of y6 he didnt have the correct support, he had some, but no where near enough.

When things went wrong, he basically got treat like a naughty child, because he was actually autistic he didnt understand what was going on due to lack of support which he didnt get because he hadnt been diagnosed.
The parents of the other children were a nightmare, something needs to be done they'd say, myself and the school would say something is being done.
There was one time it was almost lynch mob mentality towards my son , two parents who's kids had bother with my son, got together with a third and talked about how they would approach the head about him, one of them did and the head put her in her place saying that it was her job, with the support of other staff in school and me that would deal with him and she was to take a step back and let the school deal with it.

Thankfully it did settle down, maturity in my son helped a little along with me understanding autism more. The other parents views of a difficult child can be awful, even with diagnosis, one said about another two students who were ASD that they were crackerjacks and shouldnt be at the school was awful.

The worst bit about ASD can be other peoples misunderstanding about it and inability to deal with it.