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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this daft about changing my 3mo DD's first name

52 replies

brihalv · 13/11/2018 15:02

Hello all,

Please stick with me here, I could really use an outside opinion.

So I changed my 3mo DD's name after I registered her. I am feeling that this decision has made me appear immature and flaky and I can't remember a time when I've felt more embarrassed.

I had a lot of things going on in pregnancy i.e. severe anxiety/apathy and names weren't at the forefront. Had a name I loved, but didn't use it due to social anxiety (coworker had a DD named this). So we basically picked a name out of the hat.

Things quieted down, I got some sleep, got on medication, coworker resigned... things got a lot more clear and I realised how silly I had been. It had gotten to the point where her current name made me cringe and I wanted nothing more than for her to be the name I loved. DH agreed and we changed it.

But now I'm so embarrassed about the ordeal that I am avoiding family functions. My mum is having the extended family round for dinner next week and I told her I couldn't make it, even though I desperately wanted to go and show off DD. I'm so ashamed of myself. I imagine someone saying "Oh look at (old name) isn't she darling" and me having to explain myself. Mum is being a bit difficult about it and refuses to help us tell family we've changed it. I think of having to explain this to people and their reactions and my heart starts beating out of my chest.

Can you all be completely honest with me? It's what I need right now. Is this situation something you'd consider "odd"? Should I feel this embarrassed and daft? What would you think if someone had told you they changed their DD's or DS's name a few months in? It would help to see how people would view this as a whole so I can maybe see how to approach it with people.

Thanks a lot.

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 13/11/2018 15:35

Your mum isn't helpful is she Hmm

Never mind her though. Be proud to show off your lovely dd and her rightful proper name. It will be a nice story for her when she's older.

PiperPublickOccurrences · 13/11/2018 15:36

Honestly? Yes I'd think it was odd.

But this is your FAMILY, people who love you. They might raise an eyebrow for two seconds but then will be back to cooing over the baby and asking how she's sleeping.

Your anxiety over this is way out of control.

Bigonesmallone3 · 13/11/2018 15:38

Own in! This is ur daughters name now and this is what it'll always be.. u tried a name, didn't fit so u changed it!
Years down the line people will forget this was ever a thing

Jaxhog · 13/11/2018 15:38

Just do it! There may be some momentary confusion, but it will soon pass. You'll feel much better having chosen a name you really like, rather than living with one you don't.

I think your DM is making too much of it. You should just call her by her new name until everyone knows.

InfiniteVariety · 13/11/2018 15:40

It sounds as if your mother is part of the problem - you say her negative reaction to the name you liked was one of the reasons you didn't choose it originally. Now that you are giving your daughter that name after all she is showing her disapproval through all the mean-spirited behaviour regarding the family party.

Remember OP your baby is only 3 months old and she will have the name you love FOR LIFE! Everyone will forget the original name, especially if you give as brief an explanation as possible and move the conversation on

Tinty · 13/11/2018 15:45

"Who does this" "Only you would do something like this" etc. And she was one of the reasons I didn't name DD what I wanted in the first place as she goes "Oh I hope you don't name her that" whilst I was at the hospital.

Well it sounds like your Dmum is cross that she managed to bully you out of the name you liked when you were in hospital, but now you have changed your mind and are going with the name you choose.

Stick to your guns, change DD's name and be happy about it. I met a Mum at school who didn't like the name she had given her older DD, (who was 9) and never had, she had been pushed into the name by her Dmum, and told me all about it, a random mum in the playground, 9 years later. So it was still annoying her 9 years later enough to tell someone she had just met. Now that is Sad.

Change DD's name and like PP said get a sleepsuit, or dress with her new name on.

papersmile · 13/11/2018 15:48

I honestly wouldn't think twice about it. I know someone that changed her son's name when he was just under a year, so it's not that unusual.
It does sound like you are lacking confidence and your mother isn't helping with this.
People will ask, it's only natural to wonder why but don't see this as a disapproval. I don't think most people will give it that much thought.

ClaryFray · 13/11/2018 15:50

Wouldn't be bothered if someone changed there child's name. Maybe at 4-5 years but three months is early enough.

Social aniexty sucks. Big hugs

tickingthebox · 13/11/2018 15:55

Isn't this what the joy of social media is for....

Just post lots of pics of her with her new name - no need to explain or post the original name.

"Little "new name" at 3 Months " etc etc.

GardeningAndKnitting · 13/11/2018 16:03

Well done for changing your DDs name, see it as doing something decisive and brave to ensure you didn't have regrets later Flowers

I love the idea of a personalised baby grow for the next few family events. Ignore your mum, mine hated the girls name we'd chosen and I think it put us off deciding on a boys name and my oh was a dick about making a decision on baby's name so made the whole business of choosing baby names unnecessarily fraught and vetoed a name I liked because he had a colleague with the same name. Fortunately my boys have names I love (and I never had a girl).

Be very breezy about changing the name and don't get drawn into a discussion on reasons or difficult family members can use it to undermine your decision.

When the time comes I'm determined not to be that DM/MIL

SassitudeandSparkle · 13/11/2018 16:17

If you want to change her name OP, I think you need to be decisive and definite about this.

I'm going to sound (probably the only) note of caution here because a friend of mine (adult) change her first name for a short period - got her friends to call her X instead of Y but in the end couldn't face telling her family so we had to go back to Y! So not wanting to face your family about this is ringing bells for me (she also suffered from anxiety tbh).

This subject does crop up on MN and I have said on another thread recently that it does seem to have a link more often than not to anxiety or PND in the mum Flowers

If you want to do this OP, then book that appointment and get it done. That would be decisive. It's your decision, don't blame ex-coworkers having children with the same name or your mum not liking it. No need for excuses, honestly. You can just say you changed your mind, it's fine.

I don't think it's up to your mum to spread the word though.

Bigonesmallone3 · 13/11/2018 16:22

@SassitudeandSparkle
The name has been changed??

Think OP is just worried about being judged by family

Original poster
brihalv · 13/11/2018 16:32

@SassitudeandSparkle Yes name has been changed by usage, I just need to go down to the registry office and do it "officially" (just finding the time!). I have never felt more sure about anything and I definitely know it was the right thing to do. Like I said, the old name just made me want to jump or squirm and I couldn't have that! I love this "new" name and always have and I beam when I tell strangers her name instead of pausing and cringing.

It made me think I just had PND at first and this was a symptom of that so I waited and it didn't get better, so I thought we'd better change it. Now I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.

But it's just telling everyone I'm cringing about now. I just feel like such an idiot that I didn't get it right from the start like everyone else. Sigh. It's just been such a hard time and I'm afraid people won't let me live it down. But family I have told, they've been really supportive.

OP posts:
Original poster
brihalv · 13/11/2018 16:39

Oh and yes, definitely, I know it's up to me ultimately to tell everyone. Sorry, I didn't mean it to come off like it's my mum's responsibility as I know this is all on me. It's just that I had hoped she could have mentioned it quickly as an "oh by the way" when she invited all of them round, as she talks to everyone on the phone anyway quite frequently and she's closer with them than I am. I don't have the contact info for these family members and perhaps see them 3-4 times a year. Small family here- people I need to tell are cousins of my mum's, their kids, etc. So that was just my reasoning behind why I had hoped to enlist mum's help.

OP posts:
Regressionconfession · 13/11/2018 16:40

You know what op - I just admire you for doing it and being so clear as to why you did. You come across like you've got your shit together and not at all flakey. Just own it like you've owned it on here. Your mum is being a bit unfair.

Also if you don't go to big family do that makes it all a bit mysterious and family are likely to fill in the gaps. At least this will drawer a line under it.

Good luck!!!

SassitudeandSparkle · 13/11/2018 16:42

bigones the OP said

We need to go down and re-register her and my mum is refusing to say anything until its done

which is why I was suggesting getting the certificate sorted.

DianaT1969 · 13/11/2018 17:51

I love the name on babygro idea! Bold and assertive. Honestly, nobody else will care. Well done for making the decision.
Sounds like you need to distance yourself from your mum a bit, until you are feeling emotionally stronger. She may not mean it, but her comments aren't helpful.
Enjoy your lovely baby Thanks

FindaPenny · 13/11/2018 18:11

I would actually think you were really sensible and mature. Instead of sticking with something you weren't keen on you decided to fix the issue.... My daughter has a middle name that I wish I had changed so good on you.

Your mum sounds like she just wants something to gripe about.

If you have some of the relatives numbers you could send them a general tx before hand saying, can't wait for you to meet.....

Orlandointhewilderness · 13/11/2018 18:23

i wouldn't give it any thought really tbh. good on you for changing it and not just putting up with it.

Asmallrole · 13/11/2018 18:32

My DD name story. Complete with critical unsupportive DM.
I wanted Emily whilst pregnant with our last DD. Loved it, still do. My eldest DD (then 13) hated the name with a passion so we decided to name her Olivia. Olivia she was all through the pregnancy, was born after a shoulder dystocia, so 8 and half pounds of chunky swollen faced baby, and I just looked and said 'she's not an Olivia'. Olivias, in MY head are small and dainty.
DM came to see her with gift and card welcoming 'Olivia' and a couple of cards saying the same from other rels. We told her it wasnt her name.
We took her home and decided on Jessica (from nowhere really). After a week, during which we had cards welcoming 'Jessica', I said one day I can't take to it, it just doesnt sound right for her, and DH agreed.
After another week of names going backwards and forwards I suddenly looked at her and said 'I think she's an Emma '
And Emma she was and is and I still love it.
My DM dined out on it for months. 'Is she still Emma or have you changed it again ?'
'What is she called today then?'
Etc etc
Ignore her. Call your baby the name you love.

Outnumbered99 · 13/11/2018 18:32

Why not write to them all in advance.. send a photocard with a generic "I have a new name now for xyz reason".. let them all raise their eyebrows for a second in private and then the deed of telling them is done before you have to see them.
Probably especially important to get it over with this time of year in case any might be ordering personalised Christmas presents!

jellycat1 · 13/11/2018 18:42

I think you sound very sensible OP. Only idiots stick to things they believe to be mistakes because they're too proud to admit they've had second thoughts. Block out anyone who gives you grief. It's really nothing to do with anyone else and it'll be old news soon enough.

DameSylvieKrin · 13/11/2018 19:10

You could ask your mum for your relatives‘ contact details or add those that use Facebook on there.

Original poster
brihalv · 13/11/2018 20:03

Again thank you ladies. Can't get over feeling so stupid about it for some reason. I know life happens though and I'm trying to go easy on myself. DH said "If this is the strangest or worst thing we have ever done, we are miles ahead of the rest of our family" lol.

Good idea on asking for the relatives contact info. I have a feeling mum might be difficult and will say "No just tell them at dinner" but I'll give it a go.

OP posts:
E20mom · 13/11/2018 20:16

It happens all the time. Just send family a 'name change' note in the post before you next see them.

Don't feel bad. It sounds Ike you've gone the right thing for your daughter as she now has as much better name.Smile