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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and Presents

42 replies

CrazyAnnoyance · 13/11/2018 14:17

MIL had two granddaughters our dd7 and Dh's neice 13 and every Christmas always buys them the same presents so its fair. But the problem is it's always tailored to what dn likes/wants.

Last year they got a sewing machine, Make up and heels Hmm. Dd has no interest in these. While she's very thankful for anything she receives, you can see the disappointment in her eyes while her cousins around the same age get toys they like.

Wibu to say something to mil? I just think she's wasting her money and it isn't really been 'fair on dd?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/11/2018 14:19

What sort of heels for a 7 year old? And make up come to that.

LucieMorningstar · 13/11/2018 14:20

Yeh you need to say something. I’d be a bit miffed if it was me TBH. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to tell her to buy something more age appropriate in this situation.

Original poster
CrazyAnnoyance · 13/11/2018 14:38

GreatDuckCookery Small heeled sandals from river island and proper branded make up mainly eyeshadow palettes, lip glosses that sort of thing.

OP posts:
tiggerkid · 13/11/2018 14:42

I would be inclined to suggest to DH to say something.

Chamomileteaplease · 13/11/2018 14:43

Is your MIL really thick?

EmUntitled · 13/11/2018 14:45

That's so weird, surely making it fair would mean spending the same amount in both, not buying them exactly the same thing. It's like the difference between equity and equality.
It sounds like she has grandsons and doesn't buy them all the same thing, but the granddaughters get the same.

Depending how well you get on with MIL I would bring it up. Say that now niece is 15, its not appropriate to get them the same thing and that DD would really like xyz.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/11/2018 14:46

I don't understand the make up at all. Unless DD already has some or likes to play with it at MILs. The shoes must be age appropriate to fit her?

I'd probably give MIL a list of a few things DD actually wants and hope that she get the hint. Or talk to her openly.

Original poster
CrazyAnnoyance · 13/11/2018 14:55

The boys all get the same aswell but all the same age twins and my son. They all like the same things so no problems there.
Both me and my husband have tried to drop hints or show her dd's list but she doesn't listen or doesn't care

OP posts:
anniehm · 13/11/2018 15:00

Whilst it sounds odd, it is probably just her way of ensuring parity, whilst the make up is a bit advanced, my daughters both learned to sew by that age and used a adult machine. I would tread carefully, her heart is in the right place even if somewhat misguided

RuggerHug · 13/11/2018 15:00

Is she planning on getting your DD booze when she's 18 since she could for the DN?

Any way you could ask her if she could get DD xyz for Christmas as she'd love it, plus DN could have one too, since they match. Maybe the idea of giving a teenager a 'kiddy' present might make her think it through.

TheSubtleKnifeAndFork · 13/11/2018 15:04

That's just utterly bizarre. By all means spend the same amount on the two girls, but you don't have to buy them the same stuff with the money FGS. Seems incredibly lazy and disregarding of your DDs wants/likes.

If I had a seven year old daughter I would NOT be happy about her being bought makeup for starters (or heels really, even if "age appropriate"). I think I'd be having straightforward words about buying your daughter actual age appropriate presents, rather than dropping hints.

WithAFaeryHandInHand · 13/11/2018 15:06

Yeah, that’s quite weird, but if you’ve already tried to broach it with her and she doesn’t listen... I mean, it’s a present, so I think you can’t really control what she buys her. Within reason obviously. If it’s truly inappropriate, like a 15 rated dvd or something or a bottle of vodka.

KC225 · 13/11/2018 15:09

Try reverse it by suggesting that she buys gifts that are suitable for your DD and she can get your DN the same, so when choosing LOL dolls or fingerlings or shopkins she can see how ridiculous she is being. Do you buy them gifts? Get what FIL likes and buy her the same. She how she likes it. Please make it Y front under crackers and a male grooming set.

What about the parents of the DN can they have a word?

Handsfull13 · 13/11/2018 15:11

If she doesn't take a hint you might have to bite the bullet and flat out tell her.
'MIL dd has been sorting out her Xmas list and it would be really good if you could get her this please. She hasn't really used the make up from last year as she isn't really old enough and I'd hate you to spend money on something she won't use.'

Or ask her what she plans to buy them for Xmas under the guise of not buying doubles and then suggest it probably isn't something dd would want and has she considered xyz

Singlenotsingle · 13/11/2018 15:13

My ddil sends me a message with photos of what to get for the dgc. I don't know what to get so I'm very grateful.

SnowdropFox · 13/11/2018 15:17

Show mil dds list again and say it would be helpful to have the gift receipts this year incase dd doesnt like an off the list gift. If she gets huff just repeat giving her dds list again and say you dont want her to waste her money with something dd doesnt want.
If she doesn't take the hint then she is being deliberately awkward.

Gweipo · 13/11/2018 15:24

Can you take the items back and get a refund and buy something else her choice?

or

Can you open the present and say "Oh, MIL I think you have given DD the wrong present. Is this for one of the other adults? "

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/11/2018 15:26

Can you open the present and say "Oh, MIL I think you have given DD the wrong present. Is this for one of the other adults? "

I don't know any adult with feet the same size as a 7 year old tbh.

Jaxhog · 13/11/2018 15:29

Sell it. You should get enough from a sewing maching to buy your DD a decent present. Even let her choose it! Throw the makeup away. If your MiL finds out, just tell her that the presents were highly inappropriate and at least this way, your DD gets something she actually wants. If she carries on, then at least you have a solution that works for your DD.

Some people are just very dense.

InfiniteVariety · 13/11/2018 15:31

Your MIL does not seem to understand the difference between "fair" and "equal". She is buying exactly the same for them which is equal but not remotely fair as the gift is chosen with the older child in mind and thus is unfair to the younger one

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/11/2018 15:34

Some people are just very dense
You mean like throwing away perfectly good make up?

No need for drama OP, just talk to your MIL or give her a list of toys DD wants " to make it easier for MIL " Wink

CSIblonde · 13/11/2018 15:38

Send her a list well before with links if she's au fait with Internet shopping & and!/or offer to order it for her. She's obviously too lazy to get diff items for each child via high St If she asks you why say that her last gifts weren't age appropriate. Insist on receipts if she digs heels in re off list gift.

Topseyt · 13/11/2018 15:42

Tell her more directly.

You are grateful for the presents that she has bought for DD so far, but that she and her cousin are different people with different interests. Her cousin wanting a sewing machine, heels and make-up does not mean that DD wants or would use the same thing. Explain that to her, as she clearly doesn't get it at all.

Treating them evenly doesn't necessarily mean buying them identical items. Your MIL is taking the notion of even-handedness much too literally.

I wouldn't have been happy if anyone had bought those items for my children when they were just 7 years old. Sewing machines are certainly not age appropriate there. They have powered, sharp needles attached which could easily embed themselves in a child's fingers or hand.

When I was that age I used to enjoy watching my mother making clothes on her sewing machine. She would not have let me use it at that age though, much less have wanted anyone else to buy me one.

Give MIL a list of things she can buy that DD would appreciate. Not to be entitled and demanding, but she clearly needs guidance. Advise her not to deviate, as DD was unable to use last year's main present and isn't yet into heels and make-up (also age-inappropriate in my opinion).

StroppyWoman · 13/11/2018 15:45

like throwing away perfectly good make up?

MIL bought my 3 year old the same "kids makeup" she bought her 8yo granddaughter.
I binned it.
I didn't need it hanging about for ages until she might be interested, and it certainly wasn't appropriate.

Topseyt · 13/11/2018 15:47

Also, there's a world of difference between a 13 year old and a 7 year old, and what is appropriate for them (or what they might even be remotely interested in).

If your MIL doesn't understand that then she must be spectacularly unobservant.