Not to tell OH about these accusations.

[YetAnotherNewName89]

This is a long one so hopefully someone will make it to the end and offer some advice.
From my early teens onwards I was groomed by a relative. At the time I thought he was feelings towards me were genuine but now as an adult I can see he just wanted to control me. He was very good at it and I truly believed that he was the only person who wanted the best for me.
As I grow up I realised what he was doing and avoided him at all costs. However he was unexpectedly at an event I attended last week. It wasn’t a family event so I hadn’t been expecting him there at all.
Embarrassingly, I got really drunk as a way of coping. I should have just left but I didn’t. I have no recollection of the rest of the night.
However in the morning I received texts from him, I assume I gave him my number? Saying that I had been chucking myself at him all night, trying to kiss him constantly and asking to go home with him . I have no idea if it was true. Most of my teenagers years I was besotted with him and probably would have done this after a few drinks, much to my shame.
Do I tell OH about this? I feel so ashamed but am terrified someone else will tell him and he’ll believe I was acting this way.
He doesn’t know anything about the past only that that I don’t talk to this relative.

I’d tell him the whole thing. I can’t believe that you’d have been asking to go home with etc..... so I suspect it’s mind games on their behalf. I’d also wonder if they got your mobile number from someone else..... under false pretences.

That’s tricky. Do you believe this man? We’re there other people there that you know who you can ask?

And to add, don’t keep secrets. If he’s got some kind of vendetta, keeping it a secret is the worst thing you could do.

This man is lying. Surely you know yourself well enough to know you wouldn’t do this regardless of how drunk you were. I would be more likely to get angry when drunk but only you know yourself.
If you did behave in this way then I’m sure this horrible man would’ve had no problem taking you up on your offer. And why on earth would he be texting you about it the next day?! The only motivation I can see is to mess with your head.
Give this man no more headspace and maybe check with someone you were with. Xx

This is a minefield. You must be careful. I have no idea what exactly the first paragraph means. Once you start blotting things out with drink you are in trouble. I cannot in these circumstances suggest anything as it would be based on guesswork.

There are centres you can seek help from when you have unravelled what happened initially. The problem is that memories blur with time. Do you have anybody you can confide in. Normally the first contact us your partner but only if you feel comfortable with that. I am no expert and you do probably need expert help.

If your OH would truly believe that you would throw yourself at someone who groomed you when you were a young teen then they're not very nice!

It's very doubtful that you gave out your number.

Up to you if you tell your OH.

Would they be supportive & understanding?

He's lying. Tell your OH and tell him what the relative did when you were younger.

Who else was there, OP? Who can you talk to that was in attendance and would judge fairly?

It’s posdibke he got your number from someone else, or you may have given it to him. What is the last thing you remember? Did you talk to him or avoid him?

Do you have reason to doubt that your DH wouldn’t be supportive if told the full story?

Tell your OH.

The man sounds like he is dangerous

You can't deal with this alone, it will eat you up.

First - block his number.

Then sit down with your DH and tell him of the past. Don't get caught up with feeling guilty - you were groomed. They do it because it works. If you can get some counselling then that would also be wise.

I'd tell your DH.

If for no other reason than to have support and be listened to.

I expect it's a doctored truth like you said hello and said you're married now or whatever and he's just ran with it.

Even if you did say all these things it's understandable. He caught you at a vulnerable time when you were a teen and you may find yourself emanating it as that's your default when around them. That's what happens sometimes with trauma.

You just need to open up to your DH and tell the relative to fuck off.

He’s lying OP. He’s just trying to inveigle his way back into your life again. It’s just more grooming.

@Feelings to be fair everyone deals differently and how you feel about the relative plays a big part - if someone hated them they are more likely to avoid them but if they once really cared for them then it's not as simple really. The human mind isn't black and white.

What he is claiming doesn't make sense. Highly likely he's bragging.
If you really were throwing yourself at him and begging him to take you home, then he would have, and presumably had sex.
Which didn't happen.

You must talk to your OH though. Don't keep secrets.

Is there any way you can speak to someone else that was at the party and could tell otou wat has actually Happened?

The only way you can start to deal with this is if you are open with OH and tell them everything. If your OH is decent they will support you and help you.

Your relative is a controlling bully.

Feelings Go back and read the thread. The chances are the OP did not "throw herself" at her relative, and that he got her number by false pretences from someone else at the party.

I think he was lying also. He could have easily got your number of another relative.

You say it was a family event. Therefore, there would have been other witnesses tomthe evening who can prove you didn’t do what he claims. Maybe you were chatting to him out of politeness, but the rest seems a bit far-fetched.

Was dh there? Could he see how you were behaving?

I would definitely tell dh. He knows you a.ready don’t talk to this person, so you can now explain why.

Yeah, except you don't even know what happened ADropofReality that's just your assumption.

Tell him. Secrets are very destructive things which have power over you. I'd be highly surprised if you threw yourself at him and if you did, well he manipulated you at a young age and some people unfortunately are very skilled at that and that will have influenced you. Block his number and then delete it and tell your oh how badly he behaved when you were younger. Is there anyone who would have been there who you can ask about what actually happened?

Even if you did do what he is claiming (which I'm not saying is true) the only reason you would have done something like that is because he did such a thorough job of grooming you that it still comes out even now under the influence of alcohol. And - just because he says it doesn't make it true. You know that he's a manipulative liar.