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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Not to tell OH about these accusations.

49 replies

YetAnotherNewName89 · 13/11/2018 08:11

This is a long one so hopefully someone will make it to the end and offer some advice.
From my early teens onwards I was groomed by a relative. At the time I thought he was feelings towards me were genuine but now as an adult I can see he just wanted to control me. He was very good at it and I truly believed that he was the only person who wanted the best for me.
As I grow up I realised what he was doing and avoided him at all costs. However he was unexpectedly at an event I attended last week. It wasn’t a family event so I hadn’t been expecting him there at all.
Embarrassingly, I got really drunk as a way of coping. I should have just left but I didn’t. I have no recollection of the rest of the night.
However in the morning I received texts from him, I assume I gave him my number? Saying that I had been chucking myself at him all night, trying to kiss him constantly and asking to go home with him . I have no idea if it was true. Most of my teenagers years I was besotted with him and probably would have done this after a few drinks, much to my shame.
Do I tell OH about this? I feel so ashamed but am terrified someone else will tell him and he’ll believe I was acting this way.
He doesn’t know anything about the past only that that I don’t talk to this relative.

OP posts:

MistressoftheYoniverse · 13/11/2018 10:25

OP it sounds like he's lying or at least embellishing some kind of truth it's very possible he got your number from someone else at the party, first block his number, then have a talk with your OH about what happened be as honest as you can.

For those saying this is weird, well trauma can make you act strangely and this person had a hold over the OP from a young age and that hold doesn't always go away completely sometimes, plus the shock she must have felt to see this person again unexpectedly.

EK36 · 13/11/2018 10:38

No it didn't happen. He is testing you to see if you like the idea if what he said to take it further Please dont listen to him. Block his number. Tell your husband that he groomed you when you were little. When you saw him you got drunk to cope better (wrong thing to do as you should have left) and he sent you werid messages the next day. If i am right about the grooming aspect, consider speaking with the police. It's never too late. Once I got drunk at a party and some people said I was all over a man I know. Didn't sound like something I would do but I believed them. A month later they said they were having me on for a joke! I literally spent two weeks feeling like a slut and avoided this said man. None of it was true at all!

Gemini69 · 13/11/2018 10:39

He sounds disgusting OP... tell your husband everything...

SophiaLovesSummer · 13/11/2018 10:39

@Feelings

I was groomed and sexually assualted several times by a relative and if I ever saw that relative at a party I would leave. I would not get really drunk and then proceed to give him my number wtf?!

If you were groomed then you don't think oh I quite fancy that person. It's just common sense and I feel this story is very strange.

Nowhere did OP say she suddenly thought 'oh I quite fancy this person' so WTAF are you doing writing as if she did say that? Also, what's with the 'if'? Have you any idea how horribly that reads/is? FFS

You are flat out out of order Feelings. I'm genuinely sorry for your trauma and the abuse you suffered but in some ways that makes your comments even worse. As anyone who has been groomed/manipulated/abused/gaslighted will know there is no 'one right way' of dealing with it.

If you think OP is a troll then you report, you don't start questioning someone else's actions or throwing shade at them on the thread - that's victim blaming, rape myths, and a 1000 other pieces of shitty behaviour all rolled into one. And if honest, deeply surprising to see from someone who themselves asserts they were victims of abuse by a loved one (the utter head fuck that that is) as, above all others, you of all people would therefore surely know there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to respond to the trauma of that.

I've reported your posts and I'm going to ask MNHQ to post their Rape Myths link on here as, horribly, it appears that it's still needed

Feelings · 13/11/2018 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Beaverhausen · 13/11/2018 10:56

Have you spoken to anybody else at the party and if you had nothing to hide why be worried about telling your OH?

FantasticHarryPotter · 13/11/2018 10:57

@Feelings So sorry that happened to you.

I think grooming can take many forms but mainly it is a relationship where the groomer makes the groomed believe they and they alone love them, care for them etc. I think it can vary greatly but often it's slow and starts slow, moving into inappropriate territory only when the groomer feels that person will accept it.

So if the OP liked them not only as they were a family member but also because they seemed to care deeply, gave her treats and kept things 'normal' for a while I can see why she may not automatically be repulsed whereas someone who had an abuser who was inappropriate straight away, threatening or intimidating they may be more inclined to withdraw.

I do also think everyone is different. Not the same but I went back to my ex after he started and sexually assaulted me when I was a teen. Many wouldn't and I sure as hell wouldn't now but I should've been repulsed from the get go.

Pavlova31 · 13/11/2018 10:58

He is lying and playing head games with you Op
Please be kind to yourself and consider confiding in your partner about this

FantasticHarryPotter · 13/11/2018 11:02

Started was supposed to be stalked - sorry.

Feelings · 13/11/2018 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsStrowman · 13/11/2018 11:10

@Feelings the IPs reaction is common in abuse cases, think also about things like Stockholm syndrome. Just because it hasn't been your experience doesn't mean it isn't for others. I worked for some years with victims of domestic and sexual abuse, some victims of familial grooming and sexual abuse had long relationships and even children with their abuser, often leaving and going back, despite knowing on a logical level that they'd been groomed/abused. That hold doesn't just disappear, the relationship is psychologically and emotionally complex. It makes perfect sense the OP drank too much to cope, she pregnant didn't leave as people would've questioned her as to why and who knows what she did or didn't say to him. YABU to be so judgemental.

MrsStrowman · 13/11/2018 11:11

*she probably didn't leave

MrsStrowman · 13/11/2018 11:12

OP tell your husband, secrets keep his hold going.

Franinipancake · 13/11/2018 11:12

@Feelings You're just reinforcing the victim blaming you've already done by repeating it over and over. We get it - the OP didn't behave like you would have done. You don't need to "connect" with what she did. Can't you just have some sympathy? The OP is asking for advice after what happened, not asking what would you have done in this situation or whether you understand it. Do you honestly not get that people behave in all kinds of ways in response to trauma? There shouldn't be any judgment, which is what you're doing in shed loads.

And you're not "saying it how it is". It's just your opinion based on what you'd do after your experience - that doesn't make it facts.

MNHQ

HopeMumsnet · 13/11/2018 11:13

Hi all,
Despite the fact that the OP has posted in AIBU it is pretty clear that she is looking for support rather than an interrogation of the facts, so we would appreciate it if from now on everyone could post with that in mind. Thanks.

Feelings · 13/11/2018 11:15

My last message was meant as support so I don't know why you felt deleting that was appropriate. Either way, I hope OP does find out what actually happened and like I had put in my last message that Mumsnet kindly deleted, I am sorry to all those who I offended especially OP.

TatianaLarina · 13/11/2018 11:23

This.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2018 11:29

I'm surprised that people are saying they are so sure that he's lying or know you woildnt do that, when they don't know you.

Only you know if it's likely to be true, in your gut, and only you know if he is likely to have been honest about this. Grooming and him saying this are two different things really, one is with a child, the other an adult for starters.

Either way put it behind you, I would only tell my partner if you are willing to discuss the whole thing. Past that if it comes to light you can shrug it off and say don't be ridiculous.

The reason I'm responding as I am, is because two things stand out, one he has your number (which he could have got from someone else) and two, you say explicitly you are worried someone else will tell him. Which indicates deep down you think it's true.

Either way shrug it off. You don't need to see him again and how we behave under stress and whilst drunk can be totally different to what we do sober.

SophiaLovesSummer · 13/11/2018 11:31

Fucks sake. @Feelings can you just STOP please? Seriously, either report if you think OP is a troll or stop.

'I get why you're all pissed at me for saying it how it is'

How can you possibly think you alone are the determinant of the correct 'how it is'? As that is fairly implicit within your comment above, that you somehow singularly and uniquely know the 'correct' take on this thread. Which is patently bollocks.

Three things:

1: If you doubt an OP, then report;
2: Be aware that if an OP asserts abuse and then someone (you in this case) posts stuff like 'if..' then you may well deter other women posting for support if they think they're going to be 'called out' or doubted - you can see that right? And the damage that does is frankly incalculable
3: Vis 'Sorry if I've offended people' - I can't speak for others but I can for me: you haven't simply offended me, you've full on triggered me. You've (unsurprisingly) reminded me of the people who said 'If...' when I finally spoke up, of the trauma that goes with that. Again, surely you can see how you've done that and you can't think that's ok?

Good luck OP but I'm out - I can't deal with people like Feelings who seems utterly incapable of recognising there are a 1000 responses to situation and is seemingly indifferent to the very real risk of their pretty shitty responses stopping others coming forward, of triggering others via reminding them of their own naysayers.

Original poster

YetAnotherNewName89 · 13/11/2018 11:37

Sorry. Been busy this morning so will now read through the messages.

OP posts:

Feelings · 13/11/2018 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

YetAnotherNewName89 · 13/11/2018 12:07

Sorry for what happened to your Feelings. I didn’t see your messages as they had been deleted when I returned to the thread.
I was with friends not OH. I have spoken to them and they said that I disappeared for a while and came back looking as if I had been crying. So I can imagine most of the time was spent in the toilets crying.
I desperately want to tell OH but I’ve spent so much of my life hiding what went on I feel so overwhelmed by the possibility.

OP posts:

MrsStrowman · 13/11/2018 12:15

OP have you ever had any counselling? It might be easier to talk to someone anonymous to work out how to discuss this with your DH. CARA, Rape Crisis and NAPAC are all great organisations. I know NAPAC have a telephone line if you just want to talk to someone.

Feelings · 13/11/2018 12:20

No it's fine YetAnotherNewName89 please don't apologise. SophiaLovesSummer has taken the word "if" in a sentence where I wrote "if you were groomed then you don't think oh I quite fancy that person." She took as that as if I meant you OP, when I said "if you were groomed" I was certainly not implying or questioning OP's past history as to whether you had been groomed or not, I fully believe what you are saying and so I did not understand why SophiaLovesSummer said I was victim blaming. I was trying to use an example and obviously did not write it very well. I was actually trying to say that I didn't understand the reaction of getting drunk and not leaving.

SophiaLovesSummer has gone on a tangent and seems to have taken what I said in the wrong context which I had replied in a previous post now deleted. I don't think she understood what I meant when I wrote it.

Why would I minimise anybodies abuse when I have been through it. I didn't tell anybody for years and it was only last year that I reported it to the police was wholly shocked that they even believed me because I thought that they would downplay it like I had done to myself all these years. So I would never imply that the OP was telling lies at all. I just didn't understand the reaction.

PP have explained to me that people react differently, and now I understand that depending on the circumstance and person it is different reactions. I am sorry. Whether anybody believes it or not, I'm not looking for any kind of sympathy, I'm still trying to learn and understand what's happened myself.

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