To stay with my husband “for the sake of my child”

[mundungus]

We have one child. DH doesnt want a second. I’ve always been up front about wanting 2. I would never have had a child with this man if I had known he would say no to a second. We have always talked about 2. I’m approaching 40. Conscious that I’m running out of time. I stay with him because our child’s life is Mummy and daddy together. But I know that if I can’t at least try for another child I will regret it forever. But I’m staying because my child’s real, everyday life seems more important than a possible, dream future life with a sibling for them. AIBU?

A little, yes. He's allowed to change his mind - a child is something that is utterly life-altering - and those words don't even come close to describing what it really does to us. Some people take to it perfectly. Some not so perfectly. Some were made for it, and some, who thought they would absolutely want it more than anything else in the world, find out that actually it's not what they'd thought it would be. How is he as an actual partner, not a sperm donor? How do you function as a couple, aside from the child bearing issue? If you only see him as useful insofaras providing you more children, it's probably best you leave anyway, surely? Is it just a sperm donor you need? Or another husband etc? At least then you can start straight away trying to find a sperm donor.

SOrry, I meant BU in regards to thinking about leaving just to try and have another child, It depends on how it's honestly, truly making you feel though. If you think you'll regret it forever and it'll drive a wedge of resentment between you, then you have a serious conversation ou need to have with him ie "I'm going toleave if I can't try for one more"

Op I could have written your post. Our situation is complicated by secondary infertility but I would have been prepared to keep trying but he sort of resolved that enough time had passed.

YABU. Imagine if it was him trying to pressure you to have a second baby.

Normally I never advise women to stay for the children. But if your reason is solely that you want another child then YABU because that isn't a guarantee even if you do leave.

I think that it is probably better to stay, but being completely honest I don't know if I could forgive a partner who had changed their mind about a child I wanted.

Do you love him?

Wow - really?? I think if you are asking this question then you know the answer.

Thanks for all the replies so far. Will try to answer the questions:

I’m not staying with him because he’s a sperm donor. The opposite really. I’m staying even though he won’t “donate”!

Our relationship in every other way is pretty good. BUT me wanting a second child makes it hard. Very very hard to work out together.

I know that another child is not guaranteed if I leave, but it’s definitely not on the cards if I stay. How will I feel about this when I’m older, if I didn’t even try? And on the flip side, how will I feel if I leave DH to “try” but don’t succeed?

The ultimatum question: no point. He would rather I left than him have another child.

If he was the one pressuring me? I don’t know. I hope I’d listen to him, but I’d probably stick to my guns. The point is here, he went along with the 2 child plan until Dc 1 was born. Then changed his mind. It s hard because I understand his right to do that. I just hate what it means for me and DC.

Would love to hear from some women who wanted more than one child but are happy now with just the one.

earlgreymarl
So sorry to hear that you’ve gone through similar x

Well before I had DS I wanted 3 children. After he was born I decided I didn't want any more for various reasons and I am happy with one. He's 5 and a half now and I still have no desire for more.

The reality of having a child is very different than imagining it. I struggled with the baby stage and didn't really enjoy parenthood until DS could walk. I genuinely love being a parent now but I have no desire to do the baby stage again and feel the way I felt back then. I used to feel like I was drowning.

Does your DH find parenthood difficult? Is that why he doesn't want any more?

Two old is dc

I think you’d be foolhardy to finish an otherwise good relationship to try for another baby, especially at your age. I’m sorry I know that sounds harsh.

It’s easy for me to say because I’ve finished my family and DH has had the snip. In fact, I think in your shoes I’d ask if DH intended to get the snip as he’s so final about it.

this must be very hard for you.

This might sound a bit clinical and isn't intended that way.. but my advice would be to go and get a fertility check before you make any major decisions. Just so you know whether having another child is a likely possibility. If it's not then it might change things.

Do you really think you’ll meet someone
Love someone
They love you
They want to have a child with you
In the limited time you have
Realistically

I never expected to have an only child. I assumed I'd have 2. We often discussed having 2 children. I had an awful pregnancy and really struggled until my daughter was 2.5ish because she was and still is an awful sleeper. I had a bit of a breakdown in fact. So now I really can't imagine having another. I am terrified if those issues happening again. I had the honest discussion with my Dh a few weeks back and he is disappointed but he understands. It would break my heart if I found out he was thinking of leaving over it.
I think you need to accept that he has changes his mind. If your relationship is otherwise good then you would be mad to throw it away to upend your child's life in pursuit of a half sibling and step parent for him/her.

Do you have funds to have fertility treatment?
Having fertility tests before you make a decision sounds sensible.
If I had a very good chance of having another child I would probably leave.

I have a work partner who I love dearly. He doesn’t want a second child because he loves his wife so much he couldn’t bear to see her go through the pain of childbirth again.

People change their minds, I was adamant I wanted two children, I'd been raised with a sibling see the benefits etc. After the hideousness of this pregnancy there will be no DC 2, DH has accepted that.

I wanted another child (we always thought three would be perfect number) but I crashed and burned thanks to a cascade of medical emergencies from a damn gallstone at 30 weeks leading to a premature birth of our son my husband decided one and done-it was terrible and heartbreaking to realize I would never have another child I truly mourned over the issue-crying,etc. I’m never going to be “over” it but I can live with it iykwim

The chances of you going through a divorce while meeting someone, falling in love, deciding to try for a baby and succeeding in the limited time remaining are virtually non existent. Your only option is basically a sperm donor or one night stand. And it won’t be fun being a single mother with two kids.

You should divorce your DH regardless though. You obviously love the idea of another child more than the reality of being married to him.

The feeling of “needing” a child can be so so powerful, but, for me at least, it did fade in time. I was convinced that I wanted a second and, after trying for another and having a miscarriage, my OH suddenly not wanting another anymore was really hard on me. It was a grieving process really. But I actually can’t imagine having another now. I do think my relationship with my OH is far stronger because of the talking and soul searching that we did.

YABU. Can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and your husband suggested leaving you solely so he could have a second child?

I agree that the biological need/want for another child is extremely powerful and especially if you’ve always imagined your family to have two children. You need to grieve that and adjust your mental image if you want to stay with your husband and accept the new reality of your family.

I would also think about your current dc and how they may feel if you decide to leave their father just so you can have a second child. I know you are probably imagining that you are doing it partially for them but you aren’t. They don’t know what it is to have a sibling and their reality is that they are an only child. They might want to have a sibling at points in their live, but they have not lost a sibling, they’ve never had one to begin with (an important distinction I think) so you aren’t taking anything away from them.

If you leave (and you can if you choose) how will your dc feel about having a half sibling or step siblings which are slightly difference relationship and experiences than a full sibling of parents that are together? How does that life look and feel for you? What if you cannot have another but your husband ends up having another child as men sometimes do later in life? What if you cannot find anyone else and are a single mother for years with the difficulties that can bring?

I think you ultimately need to seek couples counseling if possible so you can either accept being with your husband and not having any more children or have a clearer idea of what is really more important to you and leave.

I would never persuade someone to stay in an unhappy marriage, but are you prepared to split up your DCs parents so you can have another child.