To stay with my husband “for the sake of my child”

[mundungus]

We have one child. DH doesnt want a second. I’ve always been up front about wanting 2. I would never have had a child with this man if I had known he would say no to a second. We have always talked about 2. I’m approaching 40. Conscious that I’m running out of time. I stay with him because our child’s life is Mummy and daddy together. But I know that if I can’t at least try for another child I will regret it forever. But I’m staying because my child’s real, everyday life seems more important than a possible, dream future life with a sibling for them. AIBU?

There are some great answers on here. I agree that once your husband realised the reality of parenthood he decided that he didn't want the hassle and responsibilty of another.

I know a few marriages where the wife did go on to have another child and they were essentially single parents in a marriage because the husband took no interest in anything to do with childcare.

The often used MN term here is the one who doesn't want a child trumps the one who does.

This is such a sad post? How would you feel if he told you he was considering leaving you and find someone else to love because after trying for number 2, it turned you have blocked tubes and couldn't conceive. How would that make you feel.

Yes being broody is overwhelming but you need to work through it. At the moment you are wasting your efforts on what you don't have rather than being appreciative of est you have, the love and security of a husband and child.

Don't waste it all because you confuse wanting something badly with deserving it.

By the way, should have said I've been there. Met OP and shared a strong desire to have a child together. Got pregnant right away and then miscarried. We were both heartbroken. Tried again, didn't happen, got tested and it turned out there were issues with DH so only way to have a chance due to my age was IVF. I wanted to start right away, he didn't, so I waited 6 months patiently and when I brought it up again, he confessed that he had changed his mind, not to spite me, it broke his heart to see me so hurt and heartbroken again but just because he didn't thi k it was the right decision any longer.

It was very hard, but I would never have left him because ultimately I respected his feeling and would never have wanted on my conscious him regretting being a dad and having a child whose father couldn't rise to his responsibilities.

It took time but I got over it. Not just got over it but 8 years later, I can say that he was right and it was the right decision for us. The pressure of a child would have broken us and I wouldn't have coped well at all as a single mum with my health.

So I know exactly how you feel but yes, from experience I believe you are U.

Its a hard one OP. Ultimately I think, whilst the marriage is alive, work on that. If you ever get to the point where resentment becomes your primary emotion, you end it. Dont stay "for your child" if the marriage is dead.

Wrt the intense longing for another child, you will probably find that fades as you get beyond your childbearing years. The risk is, if upu dont, it would then really be too late.

Have you asked him to take charge of contraception? Or is his plan that, if you get pregnant and wont terminate, he blames you and leaves?

What about your current child?!!! Surely they would rather live with their Dad and Mum together than have their life ripped apart whilst you look for another partner to give them a half sibling. I think you should be grateful for what you have. You sound a little selfish to me - sorry.

I think you need to really evaluate the relationship- the fact you are considering leaving means you are not 100% onboard with it.
I understand the intense need you feel for another child, but that's really a secondary issue in my mind. You either want to be with your DH for life because you love him, or you've discovered he isn't quite right for you. He doesn't have to be the devil in order that you feel this way, our feelings can change over time. Focus on that first - how would you feel if he left you?

I think you also need to consider the option that you might leave your DH, not find love or have another baby & then you're left as a single mother.

I'd think very long & hard about this, also taking into account your current child who would have to deal with the trauma of their parents splitting up as well as you meeting a new partner & trying for a baby.

I agree, you need to weigh up the chances of being nearly 40 years old, going through a divorce, meeting someone else who actually wants a child. What do you think of the odds? Are you prepared to break up a relatively happy home and change every ones lives forever? I would not wish divorce on my worst enemy, it is hell to go through.

Some very thoughtful and helpful replies. Thank you all.

I do think about the reality of leaving, whether I’d actually meet someone else and have a child in the midst of divorce etc. That’s probably a large part of why I stay. The largest is my DC. I don’t want to break up their mummy daddy unit.

But it is a grieving process trying to accept that my husband now won’t consider a second.

If he wanted to leave me? I don’t know how I’d feel. Partly hurt. Partly relieved I think.

I would not feel the way I do now if he had fertility issues BTW. It’s the fact that he can but won’t that’s torturing me. And in response to another pp, no I’m not delusional! That’s why I’m trying to think it through.

We go to counselling and have been talking about this for a while. I think my age is making me wonder if I’m making a mistake staying when I’m so consumed with wanting another.

It’s good to hear from people who’ve gone through similar and kept their marriage intact. I don’t take divorce lightly.

"I would never have had a child with this man"

This sounds so cold. It feels like you've got more caught up with the imaginary child than the real marriage and family you already have, and it feels like it's about your age as much as the perceived betrayal of your DH changing his mind (which, as others have said, is a reasonable thing to do). Fertility check may be one road, but would also suggest counselling to get some perspective on this before you make any big decisions. Perhaps you should separate if you don't love him any more, which it sounds like you're heading towards, but if things were good before this then it could be worth working at reframing your situation and staying together. Don't stay with him for the sake of your child or because the chances of having a baby are minimal elsewhere anyway. Stay with him for the reasons you married him in the first place, which surely had to be more than because he wanted to give you two children.

x-posted, just saw you're having counselling. I hope it helps. It can't be good to be 'so consumed with wanting another'. I understand it, but it doesn't feel like the right impulse to give into. Many women are consumed by this feeling, even after they have that second child, and the only thing that eases really it is time, and trying not to feed it. It's extremely hard in the thick of it though, you have my sympathies.

I totally understand this. I don't think it is cold to say you would never have started a family with him had you known this to be the situation from the outset.

If, in the early stages of the relationship, he had said "I only want one child, I would never consider having more than one", then there's a chance to consider, before you're years down the line, whether this is the man for you in terms of shared goals and whether you love him enough to want to make a life together even if you have to compromise on your own dreams - or whether, actually, what you want from life is too different to make this a viable relationship proposition.

The problem is, in most cases, we don't find out these things until we are at least more emotionally involved. And sometimes people change their minds (as they are entitled to do).

And sometimes, people string other people along until they are confident enough that the other person won't leave them when they find out that actually, they don't share the same dreams and ambitions. "Oh, actually, darling, yes, I know I agreed it would be lovely to have a dog but I actually hate dogs and wouldn't ever be willing to have one." (OK, bit of a difference but you get the idea!)

I think it does depend, to some extent, on whether your DH has genuinely only ever wanted one child (and you hoped to persuade him otherwise, assuming you were aware of this), or whether he has changed his mind.

If he always knew he only wanted one - or didn't want kids at all but thought he'd concede to having one in order to keep you - but nodded along to the idea of two/three/four kids, that is something I personally would find it very difficult to move on from. I would feel deceived.

I guess it depends on the extent to which you would be willing and able to leave him and break up your family unit in pursuit of IVF, or a second relationship. And whether you, as a couple, can move on from this.

I wouldn't judge you if you couldn't get past this. It is a huge thing. It's not like not having a third or fourth child, in my opinion - there is a difference between one child and "children".

Especially in view of your age. After all, if he wants children in ten years time, he could remarry. You won't have that option. I think this is why this dilemma (which, sadly, is not uncommon but rarely discussed) is so hurtful.

Obviously you take your marriage vows seriously. And obviously your first responsibility is to your existing child. But this is a huge thing.

OP if you would feel relief at him leaving, then you definitely need to work this through sooner rather than later.
Completely ignore the second child thing for a moment, imagine seeing him in a relationship with another woman / kissing another woman. What do you feel?
If you still feel relief, the second child is a red herring and you are not with the right person.
You may or may not meet someone and have another child, currently it sounds like you are unhappy AND the second child is off the table. This is a case of finding the cause, not treating the symptoms - do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

YABVU and incredibly selfish to consider sacrificing the happiness of your current child to pursue a hypothetical other child.

I feel sorry for your DH and DC. He's allowed to change his mind. You committed to a marriage and have a child together. Yet you would sacrifice all that for a dream? At 40????

Find another focus for your midlife crisis before you throw your family away.

Well, the idea of husband and two kids seems to be pretty much off the table for you. I'm sorry for the loss of your ideal family unit. Let yourself grieve for that. Weltschmerz is the word for it - pain that you get from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealised world (if The Big Bang Theory show is to be believed).

So, now close that door and examine the futures you can realistically expect to choose from - family with one child or single parent with two, sharing custody of your existing child with your exH.

Compare these two worlds. Write pros and cons. Then make your decision. For what it's worth, in my opinion, siblings are wonderful for children and their development. But they aren't essential for happy, well rounded children. in your situation, I think the harm from the divorce will outweigh the good from having a sibling.

If I’m being brutally honest I think you sound quite selfish .
You have a child which you and your husband adore but you are considering breaking up your marriage because you want another child and he doesn’t .
What if it was the other way round ?
You say you wouldn’t feel like that if he had fertility problems but you don’t know that, by the sounds of it you’d probably resent him as much as you do now .
You are effectively ruining your family’s happiness because you have a gap you want to fill. I’d be really hurt if I was your dh and child as you make them sound like they’re not enough

I think it’s a factor in your case that you aren’t very likely to succeed even if you do leave. Your age isn’t on your side, and you would need to either find and fall in love with another partner, or approach a sperm donor (and what would the affect of that be on your current child?).

That’s not a reason to stay if this has affected you to the point that you can no longer be happy with your husband. But I think you need to accept that whether you leave or stay, there is so little chance of you having another child that the possibility shouldn’t be a big factor in your decision.

I don’t mean to be harsh - just realistic. I think you could go back to being happy in your family if you made your peace with only having one child.

OP; our situations are different but I think I get it.

Me and my DH have been trying for a second baby for 3 years now but no success due to secondary infertility.... the pain and sadness I have felt in this time has been overwhelming and unbearable. I can’t and don’t expect people who haven’t been in a similar position to understand it, so unlike PP I don’t think you are being selfish or having a midlife crisis. You are grieving for the child you should, and potentially COULD have - and that must be its own special torture.

It sounds like you are experiencing a natural, very primal urge to have another child and I totally get that. It’s not something you can control and whilst we can try to rationalise it I think this intense drive often goes way beyond that.

In not being able to have another child I honestly feel I’ve been robbed. I was fortunate in that I conceived very easily first time round but the flip side is I was completely unprepared for this infertility. I naively assumed I’d get to do it all again and I’m devastated I won’t. My DH feels the same as me but honestly, if I was in this boat because of a decision he had made I would probably end up fucking hating him. I really would.

So I think I get where you are coming from. I don’t necessarily think leaving him to try to get pregnant elsewhere is a good plan. It probably wont work for the various practical reasons you and others have outlined. I guess only time will tell if you and him can work through this.

I’d be interested to know his reason for not wanting another? And also how quickly/what age you were when you fell pregnant with your DC?

I am nearly 40 now too and having had 2 miscarriages and three failed rounds of IVF I am pretty much at the end of the line with this shit. Time does help. I no longer cry every time I get my bastard AF. I’ve vecome resigned to it but it will always hurt, I think. The little one getting bigger helps in some ways, as you get your life back and are less surrounded by pregnancies and newborns (mine is 4.5 now). My DD loves our unit of three and doesn’t wish for a sibling at all (obviously this may change). There are several only children in her class at school, she has lots of friends and she has our entire focus. So I try to focus on the benefits - financially, career wise, travel, less stress etc etc but the truth is of course I’d swop it all in a heartbeat to be pregnant again.

The genuine positive is that this situation has made me appreciate my daughter in a way I don’t think I would if I’d easily had another. I haven’t let the infertility cloud her childhood. I just cherish it and am truly grateful for her.

I really feel for you in your position. Good luck 💐