Fed up with doing all the disciplining.

[Ju2tbreathe]

This is the only thing we argue over.

Dh and I had very different childhoods. His was very relaxed( zero discipline) and mine was strict. Throughout our teens’ childhoods I have done the lot re discipline however much I’ve asked him to be more involved. He is however a very good hands on Dad. Fun Dad. He also does his fair share re all the chores.

So this evening whilst eating tea dd13(who has appalling table manners) decides to sink to a new low and make mashed potato out of her jacket potato with her hands. This is after me having to tell her to pull her chair in and sit up properly.Dh says nothing. I told her to stop and wash her hands alongside saying it was appalling and whilst we’re at it so are her table manners. She laughs. He says nothing. I started showing her how to use her cutlery properly. I have before. He never says anything. Cue eye rolling and disrespect I do raise my voice and say she needs to sort this out or she’ll get laughed at. She is very rude and disrespectful. I then start shouting. She is even ruder and marches off. I say stop and listen or you’ll lose your phone. She comes back and is even ruder. Loses her phone. She then starts shouting, I shout back and dp
starts shouting at me. Turns out he didn’t fancy any stress so chose not to say anything and I always shout.

This is the same scenario. He never says anything about anything. I get stressed whilst trying to discipline 3 dc with him sitting there doing zilch and end up raising my voice when I shouldn’t. He just stands back and ignores or chooses not to see bad behaviour, too much screen time, homework done properly etc,etc.

So it’s always me. The kids think I’m an ogre and I probably am as it’s bloody hard disciplining 3 kids single handily with the extra caveat of said kids knowing Dad doesn’t care and would rather have an easy life than the stress of crossing words.

I have told him over and again that if he was more involved I could stand back which would result in less stress and shouting. This falls on deaf ears.

So how could I have handled the above better in light of the fact dh is never going to change? So sick of the same old scenario.

Just to add bar table manners, they’re pretty good kids out of the house and a lot of the time at homebso I’m not doing too bad. I’m just fed up with doing it all alone and my kids resenting me whilst dh gets to be fun Dad.

It obviously didn't bother him as much as you. Hes not being a fun dad more laissez-faire one.

But surely you don’t get to be laissez fair when you’re a parent. I don’t think it’s fair for dc to think it’s ok to be rude/ disrespectful, play with food at 13 at the table, be on screens too long etc.

If he stepped up more I could be laisez fair. I’d love to but I can’t as he always leaves the handling of issues such as this to me.

No that would be a problem for me. You'll be good on your own once you've packed him off. Like having another child.

The kids are probably doing it to get some kind of reaction out of dad. To see if he cares about them. It’s arse backwards but reactions to bad behaviour usually in kids mind = they care about me if they aren’t getting other kinds of attention from the parent.

I wouldn’t have kept fighting with the child, personally. They are 13 and are doing it for a reaction. No other reason. One warning, eat with the manners you know or go to bed without. Enforce. Off you go, to bed with no screens. No arguing, dead pan. Take the screen, food and say good night. Dead pan works better as they are not getting the reaction they want and you are getting the peaceful table you want. Then ignore. Just say deadpan, off to bed, goodnight and ignore. Nothing else said. Do this every time one child acts up at the dinner time. Maybe prewarn with the new rules?

As for not so DH, he is an ass. It’s not fair on you to have him not enforce family rules. He needs to step up or out. Why have him around if you are single parenting as a married parent? It’s way easier as a single parent!

What does it take for him to do something?

Bar this he is a good dad and a good partner. I feel in some ways his childhood was neglectful and it isn’t completely his fault. I’m not kidding when I say there was zero discipline,there really was.

I’m liking the deadpan idea. If it’s just food shovelling on a fork instead of both knife and fork, slouching etc do I still do the ejecting? Or do I give a warning. The potato mashing was a new low I’m amazed he had no issue with. When I told her she was eating like a pig he said I was being inflammatory. I should deadpan eject over that type of thing I’m guessing. The general slouching, shovelling, cramming masses in and yes eating like pigs at a trough where do I draw the line?

If they were rude to him or hit each other he’d react.Would rarely happen.

It’s the general boring issues of screen time, homework,pulling them up about things,reaction to not getting own way/ pulling them up about thingsetc he does nothing about. It’s exhausting. I’m fed up. It makes me shouty and they end up thinking I’m an ogre as they only ever see this type of thing from me as I feel I’m covering us both. Him doing nothing makes it worse and them more resentful. They think he’s wonderful and Im meanmum.

You both sound crap discipline wise. You like a Sargent major and him like a frightened whimp. You could just ask her politely and warmly and with humour to eat nicely. No need for shouting at all, it’s pointless going head to head about this. You need to get her on board and treat her with respect to gain respect yourself

You decide on your own minimum standards. So for me it would be sitting up fairly nicely and using cutlery as it's intended. I wouldn't be bothered with just using a fork on its own.

It was not helpful to say she was eating like a pig. That is possibly a really damaging thing to say to a 13 year old girl about eating. Although I agree that she absolutely shouldn't be eating with her hands and messing about like that. That does need addressing. The dead pan not rising to it approach I think would be better than shouting more and more until it's very fraught.

Your partner is absolutely in the wrong to ignore them and not back you up, and then explode when they've reached whatever his very lax boundary is.

I disagree that he is a good dad and a good partner. His behaviour is actually that of a shit dad and a shit partner.

It's tricky though isn't it, because it's not reasonable to expect him to enforce rules he thinks are excessive. You sound a bit too uptight about manners and etiquette to me - does your teen really need to "pull her chair in and sit up properly"? That's her home - why can't she relax?

Maybe if you were a bit less legalistic about manners, he would feel more able to support you when something really does need dealing with? The mashing potato with hands thing would have got a "Ew, stop that, you've got a fork" in our house. No need for both parents to pile in and it to become a huge drama.

It sounds to me as though your dh and your dc are resentful and uncooperative because you're too stuffy about little things that don't matter. Especially if he grew up in a family where people didn't throw up their hands in horror because a child had elbows on the table or whatever. Try easing up a bit, and see if things improve.

Rather then say ‘you’re eating like a pig’ which is going to get a negative reaction, why not say ‘please could you eat politely’. Then quietly remove yourself from the table if she doesn’t and eat by yourself peacefully.

First, find out from your internet provider if you can control their internet usage via the modem. I can and it’s fantastic. I sign on through the modem and can individually allow or not each persons device access to the internet. It’s fantastic. I am in Canada but it’s a basic function of being admin to your modem. You should be able to do it.

The other, go over the manners and go over what acceptable or not. Warnings for x, y and z. X amount of warnings for rejection. It is a family meal so maybe lower your expectations a bit so it’s not a constant battle. As long as manners are known. Maybe make it a Sunday formal meal? Or similar where all manners must be on show? And others basic manners ie utensils must be used, manners must be in place, no gross eating ie open mouths etc but using both fork and knife is not mandatory. Pickier etiquette can be let go. Adults don’t always do that😁

Home work not done means no screen time. Being able to lock out the internet is awesome! Locking it out either via password when you learn or via individual device is fantastic. You can even lock out DH’s and keep your own. “Oh, your having issues, no idea why, mines working”🤣

I am a single parent and have the kids way more then my ex, he is Disney parent I am the day to day, homework, sludge work parent. I am the strict parent he is the no rules all play parent. It does pay off in the end. Just try and dead pan instead of yelling. It works well especially as they don’t expect it. Cool, hard voice of take no shit.

It's a bit cheesy and not sure if this works irl but could you do a family meeting and agree on minimum standards of behaviour and consequences - amongst all of you? You might need to have a chat with your husband first and agree you'll let some things go (concentrating on behaviour that has an effect on others rather than not using a fork correctly or sitting up straight for example) if he agrees to back you up on some major things (curfews etc)

My 5 year old would be messing with food like that!

No advice but I could have written your post. Mine are younger but the parental roles sound exactly the same. I find I overreact because of the fact there’s zero reaction from she. It drives me crazy. But like your dog, he’s a amazing husband and dad in every other way. Pointless post but just saying you’re not alone. Following for advice too.

*wouldnt

Dh, not she

I think it sounds like dd was trying to get a reaction out of you but her behaviour does sound bizarre. I try to ignore crazy behaviour like that. Its just attention seeking. She's not going to do it as an adult.

I never got past this part So this evening whilst eating tea dd13(who has appalling table manners) decides to sink to a new low and make mashed potato out of her jacket potato with her hands

She's 13 not 3! No child gets to 13 and still eats with their hands. Why have you not dealt with these disgusting table manners before? Table manners are taught from a young age, if you weren't consistent in table manners this is the result. Frankly, I couldn't have sat at a table with anyone who eats like this, it's disgusting.

Just had a further blow up over homework. Ds taking the mick. Constantly leaving things until the last minute and not taking down details. Asked to see his planner at the weekend but he’d lost it. Ds chatting with dh so I ask if he had chased it up. Cue shouting from both. I then ask to see it again. Turns out he has a big piece for tomorrow he has no details for. He then realises he needs to text somebody re the details. I explode as yet again I’m chasing and being the ogre alongside being berrated for making life unpleasant. I give up.

Hey @Ju2tbreathe I'm sorry you're at the end of your tether.

So I'm pretty strict but I agree with others that shouting is a loss of YOUR control. You calmly articulate the behaviour you want to see and if you don't see it, execute consequences. Remove yourself or ask them to leave the dinner table (without the food).

Re homework. Don't baby your children. They're old enough. If they haven't planned properly, they go to school and face the consequences.

Touchwood, my son is fantastically reliable and well behaved. He knows very clearly what OUR expectations of him are, and somehow that's much easier to manage.

You and your husband need to be on the same page. To be fair to you but also to raise decent human beings!

Have you discussed with your DH what the lines are that you both are comfortable enforcing? Maybe you have to meet in the middle, but being clear between the two of you on house rules may help him have a framework for when to step in and discipline.

I also agree with the poster who talked about deadpan rather than shouting. You can be firm and assertive while still seeming calm (takes a lot of self-control sometimes, mind!).

Why are you all shouting at each other and exploding? That needs to stop, from everyone, starting with both adults.

Stop exploding

He isn’t saying anything as he seems to think your disclipline is over the top. Why would he make things worse (in his mind) when you are already having a go at the kids?

I would have ignored DD’s eating. I certainly wouldn’t disclipline for using just a fork rather than a knife and fork .

Why do you or your DH need to shout about your DS’s homework? He hasn’t done it; he’s realised that so he will now find out the details from his friend. He’ll be up late but so be it. It’s a life lesson. If you hadn’t chased it he wouldn’t have realised, wouldn’t have done it so it would have been an even bigger and possibly more effective life lesson.

It is incredibly miserable to not be able to have any fun or do anything right in your own house. He probably feels he can’t step up as you are doing enough discipline for three people, let alone two.