Fed up with doing all the disciplining.

[Ju2tbreathe]

This is the only thing we argue over.

Dh and I had very different childhoods. His was very relaxed( zero discipline) and mine was strict. Throughout our teens’ childhoods I have done the lot re discipline however much I’ve asked him to be more involved. He is however a very good hands on Dad. Fun Dad. He also does his fair share re all the chores.

So this evening whilst eating tea dd13(who has appalling table manners) decides to sink to a new low and make mashed potato out of her jacket potato with her hands. This is after me having to tell her to pull her chair in and sit up properly.Dh says nothing. I told her to stop and wash her hands alongside saying it was appalling and whilst we’re at it so are her table manners. She laughs. He says nothing. I started showing her how to use her cutlery properly. I have before. He never says anything. Cue eye rolling and disrespect I do raise my voice and say she needs to sort this out or she’ll get laughed at. She is very rude and disrespectful. I then start shouting. She is even ruder and marches off. I say stop and listen or you’ll lose your phone. She comes back and is even ruder. Loses her phone. She then starts shouting, I shout back and dp
starts shouting at me. Turns out he didn’t fancy any stress so chose not to say anything and I always shout.

This is the same scenario. He never says anything about anything. I get stressed whilst trying to discipline 3 dc with him sitting there doing zilch and end up raising my voice when I shouldn’t. He just stands back and ignores or chooses not to see bad behaviour, too much screen time, homework done properly etc,etc.

So it’s always me. The kids think I’m an ogre and I probably am as it’s bloody hard disciplining 3 kids single handily with the extra caveat of said kids knowing Dad doesn’t care and would rather have an easy life than the stress of crossing words.

I have told him over and again that if he was more involved I could stand back which would result in less stress and shouting. This falls on deaf ears.

So how could I have handled the above better in light of the fact dh is never going to change? So sick of the same old scenario.

Just to add bar table manners, they’re pretty good kids out of the house and a lot of the time at homebso I’m not doing too bad. I’m just fed up with doing it all alone and my kids resenting me whilst dh gets to be fun Dad.

Forget about the homework. Let them get in trouble at school for not having it done or let them scrabble to do it at the last minute. I mean this in the nicest possible way but you need to be less controlling. My mother was a bit like you. Our relationship didn't flourish because of it.

I am only human.Kind of hard to not shout when you are shouted at and have disrespect from teenagers alongside a parent just sat there doing nothing whilst you do everything discipline wise. If he shared half the discipline and leaned forward I could lean back and get less stressed which would lead to less shouting.

Had a long —conversation— argument and he has agreed to do more discipline wise so I can lean back. Only thing is he says his memory may mean he forgets to follow through with consequences. Guess I’ll have to chase that up then. I have agreed to help with other stuff he does more of so we’re singing more from the same hym sheet re that too. We shall see. Two differing parenting styles really takes its toll on the teenage years.😩

The more you shout, the less effect it has, the more you need to shout.

Rainbow I don’t want to do all the discipline. I keep telling him that. If he did some I could less. Doing zilch isn’t an option.

Sorry I disagree re letting a 13 year old play pat a cake with food like a toddler. If he had had a better way of dealing with it I’d have been only too happy to take his lead. Turning a blind eye wasn’t an option.Shes 13 not 3.

It’s up to you of course but she was looking for a reaction and you gave it to her. How do you know his way of dealing with it (ignoring) isn’t better? It sounds as if life is very rigid and stressful, he probably just wants you to relax and stop pouncing on everything.

If you are unwilling to turn a blind eye to stuff that really does not matter then surely you will have to accept that you do the lion’s share of discliplining. Otherwise you are asking him to upset your children constantly for stuff that doesn’t seem to matter to him or to them.

Splatting hands onto food on a plate and moulding it like play doh does matter if you’re a teen surely.

Not ever writing anything in your planner, losing it, leaving things until the last minute, doing a half arsed job, being on screens too long surely does matter.

Surely at 13 and 15 we still have a job to do as parents.

The chair being in and cutlery thing you should let go - my friends mum was really uptight about table manners and it was horrible to watch, constant nagging and shouting and getting annoyed over minor (to everyone else) things.
The potato in hands thing is just weird.

You need to loosen up so that when you actually tell her off it has meaning, if you tell her off about everything she does at the table she can get away with really gross things because it's all the same to her. You were picking and picking and just making t a horrible atmosphere to eat in.

Pick your battles, you sound like a massive nag tbh and she probably feels like she can't breathe so gets frustrated.

We were having soup too and her chair was so far back her back was practically horizontal with the table. I felt telling her to pull her chair in was common sense if she didn’t want her soup in her lap. I also think half decent table manners, holding cutlery in the right hands which I don’t continuously go on about are important life skills. She’ll be grateful when in the workplace eating out with boyfriends etc.

😂 no one will care if she eats with cutlery in the wrong hands, is this the 50s? No boy or anyone in my workplace has ever commented on the fact I eat with silverware technically in the wrong hands. Most people my age eat with just a fork to be honest and wouldn't have a clue which hands they're supposed to be in.

You sound incredibly stressful to eat around, she probably mashed her potato as a rebellion. Don't give her food issues.

The homework you were right to be annoyed about.

Is there a reason you haven't resolved the table manners issue previously? A kid of 5 should be able to use a knife and fork so getting to 13 🤷🏼‍♀️ that's on you, not her.

Although around that age some kids regress a little for a while though as growing older is very daunting.

I remember making tiny 'jamaica cakes' to dip in my milk by squishing them in to a tea strainer at that age... but I'm a bit weird.

It doesn't sound as though your way is working, though. The unwanted behaviour isn't going away.

I think you should pick your battles. Youre quite right, splatting her hands in her food isn't acceptable and I would have picked her up on it. But you'd already antagonised her by pulling her up on the positioning of her chair and the fact that she wasn't sitting up nicely - they're not dolls, you can't micro-manage everything. If they (and your dh) feel as though their ears are ringing with minor criticisms all the time they won't pay attention to you, and they will carry on doing as they please.

Im not sure how anyone can think a 13 yo playing by & mushing up food like a baby is somehow acceptable?
I agree with the ‘minimum standards’ idea, it really should never have got to this stage. Pick your battles OP, I would ignore slouching but clamp down on the potato mushing type stuff.
Lol’ing at your Dh’s excuse - my memory means I might not follow through on consequences, does he have a medical issue or is he a lazy git who can’t be arsed to enforce some consequences?

I have tried to sort the table manners. Have certainly not just let it go but also not made every meal a misery which is probably why she’s so sloppy at the table. Dh just turns a blind eye do it’s probsbly a case of mixed messages. She knows he doesn’t care. She crams food in her mouth and chews with it open too at times. Her brothers hate it. I’ve done my best but having spent time cooking nice meals not berated her each and every time as want mealtimes to be enjoyable too.She crossed a line with the play doh behaviour and it’s an example of how several things when she crosses a line pan out. Dh does nothing and leaves it to me. As I said he had agreed to step up more do I can step back. We’ve had similar conversations in the past and he does try and things improve for a while, then they slide back. Will do the family meeting thing too. Roll on when they turn 18.

Sounds more like an army camp with you as drill sergeant than family home tbh

Why are you always exploding at dd, ds and dh? Sounds fucking miserable for the other 3

I’m not the one doing all the exploding. And it’s not an army camp I just want dd to act her age at the table. As has been pointed out she’s a little old for crap table manners, if I was an army major ther manners would be impeccable. Sadly they’re not. Many’s the time I’ve said nothing as I know it’ll be my voice they’ll hear yet again. The table thing is a tiny thing. Restricting screen time, enforcing bed times, homework habits, dealing with attitude, dealing with crap everywhere...... it’s me, me,me. 13 and 15 are too young to not deal with these issues. If I don’t they don’t get dealt with.Not sure what to do. If my dealing with them makes me an army major I feel I’ve had little choice at times.

Anyhow I’ll take the points on board and think about them.

holding cutlery in the right hands which I don’t continuously go on about are important life skills.

Hmmm what century are we in? I guess left handed people are 'sinister'.

Op just stop being so rigid and disciplining everyone left right and centre!

No her left handed brother does just fine and has on the whole far better table manners.

Been mulling things over as you do throughout the night when upset. The table is deflecting from other far weightier parenting issues, some of which I’ve mentioned.

What is really frustrating me is the double standards on two fronts. He lets dd get away with far more and talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk. He is bitter re the lack of discipline he had. He still bemoans the lack of importance his parents put into education, the never checking up on homework etc. He whines about the lack of qualifications his siblings have and the poor life choices of one in particular.He then does zilch re disciplining his own kids. Sits back and enjoys the benefits of me doing it all for him. As I said they’re good kids on the whole. A couple aren’t achieving their full potential in school but are bright and doing ok partly due to me checking up on things and giving out consequences when needed. He hates the impact the games console has on ds’s behaviour and enjoys the positive benefits when I take it away from him.

Im finding doing all this single handedly exhausting and I’m fed up with being the ogre.

Not sure how to relax and do zilch in the same way when it means ds son would sit on screens all evening, not bother to write anything down and do homework on the bus. He has started his GCSE years. Yes he’ll pass regardless as he’s bright and he know that( which doesn’t help) but he wants to go to uni and will need strong grades. Feel it’s a little early to kick back, let him ruin his chances and focus entirely on screens. Would like us to deal with this equally.

Maybe your DH should organise homework with zero input from you. Tell everyone this is the plan and not to involve you. Then bite your tongue and stay uninvolved. From your DHs perspective It’s easier to organise as a lone job. Also if your DS falls flat on his face and gets a homework detention or fails a mock exam, this will help them both learn. If you keep stepping in to save them you’re helping no one long term.

Secondly. Speak the way you want to be spoken to. Shouting solves nothing and will always escalate. Be respectful kind warm to your children. Use please and Thankyou. Give them positive attention for the things they are doing right. Develop a good rapport and get them on side. It’s much easier to discipline about meal times if the foundations of a relationship are positive and the children feel well liked and held in high regard. Shouty negative discipline will get your kids backs up as you know

Your DH doesn’t particulatly need to remember lots and lots of consequences unless youre planning to use negative discipline and punishment constantly throughout the day.

Why not keep it simple and use rewards. So WiFi remains off till after tea when all all homework is completed and polite eating done. WiFi is then given as a reward - or kept off for the rest of the day or an hour or two. If WiFi isn’t the correct reward for your child, choose something else.

My mum was like you. Nothing we did was ever good enough and she would 'explode' at everything. She was just a drama queen really. My dad didn't really discipline much, I think because he felt sorry for us being shouted at and nagged constantly so he didn't want to add to that.

Sometimes I catch myself losing my temper and raising my voice unnecessarily with my dc's and then I remember how it was for me and my siblings. Im constantly reminding myself to calm down and treat them with more respect.

I think if you stepped back and let the little things go or approached discipline differently then your dh's attitude towards it might change.