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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate it when people say they'd love to spend Christmas alone?

72 replies

Ruckup · 12/11/2018 19:14

I had to, for many, many years. It was awful and I nearly ended it. Shut off from everything and everybody and tbh i still don't much like christmas now.

I see the crap about christmas alone on here and I'm sorry, I think it's bull.

OP posts:
DustyMaiden · 12/11/2018 20:30

Christmas alone probably wouldn’t live up to the expectation but closer than Christmas with family.

Missingstreetlife · 13/11/2018 20:32

Lonely is largely in your head. Plenty of perfectly nice people don't have close family nearby. Xmas just flags up everything that's wrong in your life. Either just get through it or make some arrangement so you are not alone. You can be lonely in a crowd, or a relationship too. So much hype, fantasy and expectation, lots of people will have rows, put up with drunks and have a horrible time. For some it may be their last Xmas. It's not great for loads of people.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 13/11/2018 21:13

Oh I wish I could spend xmas alone. Its a fecking nightmare pretending to be happy jut to please other people.

A long lie in and a Chinese for lunch followed by binge watching Netflix with a few bottles of wine is heaven. Where can I sign up?

Cookit · 13/11/2018 21:19

The thing is OP, you’re not BU to say that being forced into spending Christmas alone when you don’t want to because you have no one is crap, because of course it is. But you are BU to say that everyone who has enjoyed a Christmas alone or wanted to spend a Christmas alone is lying. They’re really two different things as you’ve pointed out.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 15/11/2018 18:43

Lonely is largely in your head

No. It's really not. It's nit having anyone to speak to, spend time with, give a shit about you

Spending time with strangers through volunteering, going to a restaurant etc only exacerbates the feelings of loneliness and isolation.

I don't think a lot of people on this thread really get loneliness and those feelings are amplified at Christmas.

Steakandkidney · 15/11/2018 19:06

No. It's really not. It's nit having anyone to speak to, spend time with, give a shit about you Spending time with strangers through volunteering, going to a restaurant etc only exacerbates the feelings of loneliness and isolation. I don't think a lot of people on this thread really get loneliness and those feelings are amplified at Christmas
^^This.
Loneliness isn't a state of mind so much as an inner ache which goes right to the core. It is a state of being unloved, for a long time. It is painful, and gut wrenching. It is dark and it is quiet. It tells you nobody wants you anyway. It puts an invisible screen between you and the world, which keeps you away from normal human experience. Loneliness is suffering, it is dying inside and smiling at the same time. Volunteering does not fill the abyss of human need for love and nurturing. Neither does meeting up with a friend, or going to a single club.
Exactly that, that people who suggest it is easy to overcome have no experience of the proper, true soul death that is loneliness.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 15/11/2018 19:13

@Steakandkidney Thanks. It's so hard.

ForalltheSaints · 15/11/2018 19:17

If it is a choice it is very different from when it is not a choice, due to bereavement or estrangement. If I was the only person in the house on Christmas Day, it would be church in the morning (as it is now), pub at lunchtime (never done this), and a walk in the afternoon, and a conversation with overseas relatives via Skype. That is not, however what some people would wish to do though.

EverardDigby · 15/11/2018 19:32

YANBU people used to say that to me after I was kicked out of my family home in late teens. They complained about "having" to go back to their families and I was lucky not to "have" to. If the people who are saying it are spending Christmas on their own then fair enough but pretty much none of them are and they have no intention of it. And then there's the people who wang on about how terrible it is to spend Christmas alone - well it wouldn't be so bad if you didn't make such a big fuss about it to make me feel even worse!

onthenaughtystepagain · 16/11/2018 12:01

If they mean they are surrounded by friends and family and would love a minute's peace, no.

Who do you think you are to try and dictate what others do? Yours problems are yours, don't inflict them onto others.

AGHHHH · 16/11/2018 12:07

We're all different and I actually did spend last Christmas alone by choice.

It's sad if you're alone and don't want to be but you can't speak for everyone.

ShreddedBanksy · 16/11/2018 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedSkyLastNight · 16/11/2018 12:10

I think what the OP meant to say is that she doesn't want to be alone at Christmas and is upset by the "you're so lucky, I'd love to be alone comments" as being not very sympathetic.

Which is different to what she posted which was that people who say they want to be alone at Christmas must be making it up.

dogzdinner · 16/11/2018 12:26

Steakandkidney that is a fantastic post.

ShatnersWig · 16/11/2018 12:31

I hear you. I don't enjoy Christmas now. I've struggled with it for over 20 years in one way or another because a great friend died on Xmas Eve when I was 18 and when you've had one appalling Christmas it does taint them all no matter how you try. I've been single for the last 8 Christmasses and the one thing that made it bearable with seeing my grandparents, especially my nan whom I adored, on Xmas Day. She died in 2016 and he died in 2017 and it's just bleak as hell for me. I shall see my parents in the morning (we get on but like neighbours, we're not close, and I have no brothers or sisters or other family) and then I shall spend the rest of the day on my own, not speaking to anyone. Same goes for Boxing Day and pretty much right through until New Year. I have friends but they are all married with kids and doing things with their own families. I'll see some of them on NYE but it's the best part of a week totally on my own. Volunteering is all well and good but I work with volunteers all year round and all the adverts drum it into you about it being a time for families, and couples and kids. Some of us don't have those and it makes it harder having it rammed down your throats so much or people thinking it's weird that you find it difficult.

SilverySurfer · 16/11/2018 13:46

We're not all the same. I say it and do it and enjoy Christmas alone.

corythatwas · 16/11/2018 13:55

OP, some people find it's their family who make them unhappy and suicidal. Some people have abusive spouses and controlling parents and violent children. Some people feel obliged to go and spend Christmas with a parent who abused them sexually in childhood, others are afraid of being knocked about by their children, or dread being told yet again by their mother what a useless human being they are and how she wishes she had never had a child.

Nobody has the same experience as the next person. Please try to also be kind to the person who says something that seems heartless to you: you don't know what is going on in their lives.

selepele · 16/11/2018 15:16

spent xmas alone before it sucks tbh

Didiusfalco · 16/11/2018 15:31

I get what you’re saying op. I’ve been on mn for a while and every time someone posts an ‘alone at Christmas’ thread - and there’s invariably a number every year, someone will post something along the lines of: ‘you lucky thing, I would love a break from my 3 dc; cooking for 10 this year too’ and I think Hmm fgs!

anniehm · 16/11/2018 15:55

We make all kinds of decisions plus some things just happen. Not everyone has family, or perhaps they are not worth knowing but we choose our friends plus can get involved in all kinds of organisations and volunteer roles. Where I work I have lots of clients who are single never married, estranged from their family or widowed and have nobody yet they have struck up friendships and one lady has 5 others over for dinner. Another example is the 20 volunteers cooking dinner for homeless people here, there's another serving refugees in the city, finally the university is looking for hosts for overseas students (minimum 2 per house) to share a Christmas meal. We need to do what is right for us but I cannot be dealing with people who complain about their circumstances but don't look into how to make changes

EverardDigby · 16/11/2018 16:10

OP, some people find it's their family who make them unhappy and suicidal. Some people have abusive spouses and controlling parents and violent children. Some people feel obliged to go and spend Christmas with a parent who abused them sexually in childhood, others are afraid of being knocked about by their children, or dread being told yet again by their mother what a useless human being they are and how she wishes she had never had a child.

Yeah but IME it's not these people that say that sort of thing, because they understand fucked up families, it's people with good family relationships and no clue what it's like for other people.

KennDodd · 16/11/2018 16:21

Who do you spend Christmas with now op? Your post suggests in the past you were alone?

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