To think I can cope with being 'just good friends'

[DaisyInLove]

I'm married but very attracted to a colleague to whom I have become very close friends. He's also married and I haven't told him how I feel but he's a very good, moral, honorable person who would never betray his wife. Is it reasonable to think that I can continue to be friends with him? I'm very close to him. Very fond of him. I think we would be together if we were both single. Can this kind of friendship ever work?

No. You are not single and neither is he. You are playing with fire.

To be blunt - no.
I think we would be together if we were both single. and to be blunter still, grow up.

How long have you been working together?

I don’t think it likely. Your mind will play all kind of tricks on you to justify what you do as you focus more attention and energy on him and the friendship.

LuckyAmy1986, about a year but have been put on lots of projects together over the past 4-5 months which involves spending long periods alone together, developing a friendship.

If it's relevant, I'm not holding out hope of anything happening. Even if he felt the same as me, then leaving his wife would tear him apart with guilt. I wouldn't let that ever happen because I care about him too much and want him to be happy.

I just enjoy spending time with him. He brings so much joy and happiness into my life that I would love to stay friends. I'm actually leaving the company in a few weeks so we need to decide how things will be going forwards.

If you are leaving anyway, then inevitably this will run its course and you will see each other less and less and your feelings will fade.

itshappened, well we could meet up outside of work. Our friendship is strong enough for that not to be a strange prospect.

No, you'll just start texting all the time and that's a bad road to go down.

JudasPrudy, bad in what sense?

Don't fool yourself. Your feelings have already crossed a line. If you want to have a friendship, then only go out as couples, with your DH and his DW.

I presume he talks about his wife lovingly then? Do you ever spend time together outside work?

rainbowquack, I see what you're saying. But I think the friendship would have a completely different dynamic if we met up as a 4 and I enjoy his company one to one so much.

Your in teenage crush territory. Step away from the man.

LuckyAmy1986, not lovingly as such. He has never criticised her and I think he's happy enough but I don't think he's as happy as he might be. But he would always prioritise the family over his own happiness. He has told me as much.

No, you'll just start texting all the time and that's a bad road to go down

^ this, which I'm surprised you can't figure out in what way this would be bad.

I think since you're leaving the company, you should just let the friendship fizzle out. It's a risky game if not.

You would be 100% up for an affair.

From what you said, he wouldn't.

Dangerous game to play, pour your energy into your marriage and let this friendship slide.

LuckyAmy1986 regarding time together outside of work: yes we have done.

You don't mention your DH in this. How would you feel if this scenario was him with a female colleague?

If he made a move on you what would you do? If the answer is go with it then you either need to end this 'friendship' or think carefully about your marriage, or both.

chillpizza it doesn't feel like a crush. I have had crushes before and they have felt more selfish. This feels different, I care about him and his happiness.

Would you participate in an affair with him if he was happy to do so?

If your absolutely truthful answer is yes then you need to step away from this ‘friendship’

covetingthepreciousthings, genuine question: but what is the risk if he's a good man who would never do anything?

Similarly BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones, what's the dangerous game? Me getting hurt? As I say, I don't think he would ever do anything.

This sounds dangerous. Step away - let it fizzle out. You're already overinvested.

Are you happily married?

Are you happy in your own marriage?