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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I can cope with being 'just good friends'

62 replies

DaisyInLove · 12/11/2018 19:03

I'm married but very attracted to a colleague to whom I have become very close friends. He's also married and I haven't told him how I feel but he's a very good, moral, honorable person who would never betray his wife. Is it reasonable to think that I can continue to be friends with him? I'm very close to him. Very fond of him. I think we would be together if we were both single. Can this kind of friendship ever work?

OP posts:

MonsterTequila · 12/11/2018 20:03

Your poor DH! (& his poor wife for having someone clearly chasing after her husband) I agree with PP grow up!

Original poster

DaisyInLove · 12/11/2018 20:04

champagneplanet, as I feel currently, I wouldn't mind if my husband were in this situation.

If my friend made a move I would try to stop him because I'm afraid it would destroy him. But I wouldn't want to stop him.

OP posts:

chillpizza · 12/11/2018 20:04

This op won’t listen so there is no point.

If he was up for it you would be too. It’s clear to see. You are completely in omg his soo amazing mode where your being a little groupie.

Original poster

DaisyInLove · 12/11/2018 20:04

Bobbybear10, probably.

OP posts:

fiorentina · 12/11/2018 20:06

I have been in this situation with a colleague. Neither of us single but we worked together well and had fun. We were both honourable people and neither of us were unfaithful, it doesn’t have to happen. If we’d been single it would/could have been different.

ZenNudist · 12/11/2018 20:06

Its a risk that you would be mentally checking out of the marriage and in doing so letting marriage slide. It takes work to stay happy. The risk is you ruin your own marriage over this crush.

Sounds like this is a good opportunity to take a step back. Tell him its been great working with him and you will see him around. Leave it at that.

Whatever you do dont start missing him. Grass is always greener etc...

chillpizza · 12/11/2018 20:07

You would try to stop him even though you wouldn’t want to. Op have you heard yourself? You are the women who other women warn each other about

Zofloramummy · 12/11/2018 20:07

So your choices are -

continue the friendship outside of a working relationship and risk an affair.

let the friendship reach a natural end and re direct your emotions towards the person you married.

Your choice but you are kidding yourself that you can just be friends.

Original poster

DaisyInLove · 12/11/2018 20:07

I don't think it's unreasonable to be attracted to someone else. I'm not trying to seduce him or steal him away. As I say, it's not what he would want and would make him miserable. I just wanted yo know whether having a friendship with him is feasible considering how I feel about him. I thought that maybe my feelings would turn into platonic friendship over time.

OP posts:

covetingthepreciousthings · 12/11/2018 20:08

It's dangerous because you clearly don't seem to be in a happy marriage otherwise you wouldn't even be considering this & you would realise this is risky.

Back away, for the sake of his wife & your husband.

I'd also take a look at your own marriage, if you aren't happy, try do something about it, life is too short to stay in a marriage you aren't happy & fulfilled in.

Zofloramummy · 12/11/2018 20:08

I think you actually want the affair tbh

BatFacedOK · 12/11/2018 20:10

You're always posting about this aren't you?

FlibbertyGiblets · 12/11/2018 20:10

What's all this we nonsense? We have to decide how things will be going forwards; you would be a couple if you were both single blah blah.

Told your husband this? No? You're neglecting your marriage mooning over this bloke, you get together with him out of work time already. You're being deceitful.

Mummadeeze · 12/11/2018 20:13

I think your friendship will naturally fade as you stop working with him. Keeping in touch with the odd email or text is fine but am not sure you should try to instigate meet ups on your own. I have grown very close to men and women at work (not in a sexual way) and have felt like we are best friends or soul mates because we have spent so much time together and got on so amazingly well, but once I moved to a new place of work, those friendships became less intense and then fizzled out bar the odd hello on Facebook. If you meet up with a group of old workmates for a reunion that would also be fine. But I think that should be the extent of it.

rainbowquack · 12/11/2018 20:15

Come on OP. 100% of responses have said it's a bad idea. You are still trying to justify it.

Marriages are hard work and need to be protected. Of course, we all have crushes from time to time, but the right thing to do is to step away from this and nip it in the bud when you leave your job rather than actively seeking out a friendship.

If you have any doubts at all, show your DH this post and then ask him if he is ok with this friendship.

InspectorIkmen · 12/11/2018 20:15

BatFaced Spot on.

Notacluewhatthisis · 12/11/2018 20:22

But I wouldn't want to stop him.

And there it is.

You are holding in to him in the hope he makes a move.

SaucyJack · 12/11/2018 20:26

“ but I don't think he's as happy as he might be. But he would always prioritise the family over his own happiness. He has told me as much”

He’s subtlety telling you to back off. Respect him, and do that.

Women can be fucking creeps too, and you’re about 2 or 3 post-work pints from being just that.

Sorry, but.....

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 12/11/2018 20:27

I've had a mad crush for years on someone I've grown closer to within the last year. I kept my distance when I was crushing because I couldn't cope with how beautiful he is, how attracted I was (and I think he was too), and how much chemistry we have. We're both married with young families. Since we've become closer through necessity, however, I'm not scared of it anymore.

Don't misread this - I'm not scared because I have absolutely zero interest in anything other than a friendship with this man. I like him, and he seems to genuinely like me (we've had the occasional flare up of differences of opinion and reached a much better understanding of each other). I respect him, his wife, myself, my husband, our families, his job, and now the friendship we've started to create is so much more precious than any stupid fantasy or desire. Yes, I still think he's physically perfect, and I acknowledge that he ticks loads of my boxes - but he's not for me, and I'm not for him. But we do make a nice pair of friends.

When you're at that certainty, then you can start being real friends. Wanting to bang him isn't in the same postcode and someone will get hurt.

bumblenbean · 12/11/2018 20:29

It’s not unreasonable to be attracted to him. It is (IMO) unreasonable to continue a close friendship where you have strong feelings for him, would have an affair if he was up for it and recognise that it is dangerous territory (if you didn’t recognise that, you wouldn’t have posted the AIBU).

You say you would be ok with your husband being in a similar situation with a female colleague. I find it hard to believe that - and I suspect this man’s wife would not share your apparent open-mindedness.

I would be very upset if I knew that my husband had a very close friendship with someone he was attracted to and with whom he would take things further if she agreed to it. It’s bordering on an EA.

LotsToThinkOf · 12/11/2018 20:32

You want the friendship to continue for the wrong reasons, your crush is giving you excitement and something to focus on. You need to stop now, not because you'll get hurt but because you're about to cause hurt for your husband and his wife.

Stop looking for attention from another man, if you're not content in your relationship (obviously you aren't) then finish it and then look for someone else. Don't use this other person to make you feel better.

MonsterTequila · 12/11/2018 20:36

It’s not feasible.
You are trying to steal him. (Which is why he’s had to tell you he wouldn’t risk it)
Leave your husband. He deserves better.

WellFuck · 12/11/2018 20:47

I feel like I've read this thread before, everyone telling a married woman to stay away from her married colleague and how they can't be friends. While OP ignores all advice because she's selfishly determined to remain close to her crush.

Get out of delusion land OP and off your high horse. You'd bang him in a heartbeat if he came on to you, destroying both your marriages and the lives of any children in the process. Stop buying into your own bullshit and leave him alone. Work on the problems in your own marriage.

Athena51 · 12/11/2018 20:53

Seriously, you are just looking for excuses to be with him because regardless of what you say, you want to pursue an affair with him.

It's wrong, no good will come of it for anyone but I'm not sure that matters to you sadly.

WellFuck · 12/11/2018 20:56

Oh, read your other threads. Your marriage doesn't sound like it can be saved...

But you should still try and avoid damaging someone else's marriage just because yours is bad and you're bored.

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