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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Outsider perspective needed - awbu?

59 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/11/2018 10:02

We have 2 dc, ds (8) and dd (2). Well behaved, polite, very normal children, eat well, get a bit rowdy at times but know how to behave in other people's homes.

Dh's family live a 4 hour drive away. I get on well with pil, but no denying his mum can be high maintenance and doesn't deal well with life. Nonetheless I see her good points, she's lovely when she relaxes a bit. Fil is much more laid back. They're mid 70s, both in good health - although they've had scares etc.

They've made it clear that if we visit we can't stay at theirs (big house, 2 of them rattling around in it, by far the easiest place to stay when we visit) because his mil can't deal with disruption and will be on edge having a toddler around. Their house is a show home, everything pristine etc. This, I can just about accept. Long ago we accepted that she's not really an 'active' grandparent and she doesn't cope well with children. If we hadn't accepted this we'd have fallen out. We haven't seen dh's sisters for around a year so thought we'd visit before Christmas, as we're staying local this year and won't see them otherwise. We sorted dates and will stay with one of his sisters.

Dh talked to his mum a few days ago and said "well, obviously we'll be staying with X at her house, but we'll pop over to yours on the Saturday for a cuppa and a catch up". Mil: "Oh you will, will you? We'll see about that."
Dh: "Um, excuse me??"
Mil: "I've said before, I can't cope with you all here."
Dh: "But we're talking about popping over for an hour or two, not staying at yours."
Mil: "Well, I was thinking we'll go out somewhere instead"
Dh: " Well, great if we can but you live in the north and it'll be December, so what happens if it's miserable weather and we can't go out for a walk? We don't really want to come up and sit in the same house all weekend, it's not fair on dsis and it's not fair on the dc - if we go out, it will have to be a child friendly indoor activity, which we know you don't enjoy."

Anyway, it was a difficult conversation and to dh's credit he tried to leave it on good terms. Nonetheless we have both been left feeling very upset and quite angry to know that we are not welcome in their house, at all, with our dc.

Dh spoke to fil yesterday hoping he'd be the more reasonable one. But he's basically said we should visit in the summer when there are outside things to do, then it wouldn't be a problem (although we still couldn't stay at theirs). The reason we didn't visit in the summer was because they came down to see us, but his sister's didn't. In between various holidays, work (we both work ft, his parents are retired) school etc it wasn't possible. As it is, we'll be travelling up on a Friday night after work/ school.

His dad has made us feel we've been unreasonable, but are we?

There is no back story. They are always welcome in our home, we always get on well when we see them (providing it's on mil's terms). We just thought it was time we made an effort to see them all, particularly as we haven't seen his sisters for so long as they haven't visited us. We toyed with not bothering at all, but we do want to see his sisters, who are looking forward to seeing us all. I just know that the whole weekend will be taken over by mil trying to dictate where we should go and what we should do (think visits to stately homes...)

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleLionMansMummy · 12/11/2018 11:00

UnknownStuntman Grin yes apologies for making assumptions about northern weather... although in my defence I speak from experience!

Mere I was being a bit tongue in cheek re. the MN "but we took you to stately homes" thread. We always visit stately homes when we go up there, because it's the only thing that mil enjoys!

OP posts:
Rarfy · 12/11/2018 11:04

It's a bit strange but i get the meeting out and about thing.

I have relatives where i prefer to meet them away from the home. Usually because they dont know when to leave and it gives me the opportunity to leave the situation if i have had enough without being rude.

KC225 · 12/11/2018 11:05

How sad. She would have hated my two, as toddlers. My twins were like human combine harvesters at full speed in opposite directions. What a shame she is missing out on her grandchildren?

Does your sister have children? What cousin's growing up? Is this just a recetnt thing

I would carry on with your plans to see the sister but I would not let your MIL dictate the visit as she is setting a.precedent. If you need to, by pass your MIL and deal with your FIL. Tell them.you are sad but you will accept it and you will see them summer.

Gemini69 · 12/11/2018 11:12

So she doesn't want her own grand-children's little fingers and feet in her precious home...

Fuck them. .. don't visit ever again.... and when they call asking why they've not heard from you.. tell them you'll be in touch when DD is 25 and permitted to cross the threshold.... Flowers

eggncress · 12/11/2018 11:13

YANBU.
Go and just enjoy the weekend with SIL and ignore pil, saying you’ll go along with their idea to visit in the summer.

Don’t allow them to hijack your visit by organising where you go and when.If they want to see you it has to be on your and sil terms.

eggncress · 12/11/2018 11:14

Maybe sil can invite them over for tea then they can leave when they like.

EmmaGeddon · 12/11/2018 11:14

She sounds hard work. I'd leave things be, if she's too stressed and anxious to see her grandchildren, then she's the one missing out. If she's upset that your DC are closer to your parents, then what on earth does she expect?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/11/2018 11:18

As others are saying, enjoy visiting the sister and don't bother with the parents. They've made it clear you have to dance to their tune with no room for compromise.

Let them know they are welcome at yours and just leave it there. Life is too short...

DinglyDoorDancer · 12/11/2018 11:42

She sounds just like my MIL. When we visit she freaks out every time my toddler even looks at any of her ghastly tat stuff (which she refuses to move out of reach). I find it so stressful that I refuse to go now. She’s fine at ours or BIL’s so we do that instead. Life’s too short to accommodate other people’s neuroses.

puzzledlady · 12/11/2018 11:46

Nah - I wouldn’t bother with them. Why are you jumping through her hoops? Go see his sister. Forget the parents - they can come to you if you want.

happinessiseggshaped · 12/11/2018 11:50

How old is she? My Nan makes up strange excuses about not wanting people in the house to not do things that make her anxious, but she is 82.

mmgirish · 12/11/2018 13:24

I think this is terrible. I would be really upset if I were in your position. Your husband must be mortified.

ArnoldBee · 12/11/2018 13:28

My grandmother can't cope with us either. She's 83 so we just accept it and move on. I know with her it's due to her age so we don't dwell on it.

MrsJane · 12/11/2018 13:32

I can't imagine being like that with my children's children... very sad.

She's made her position very clear. She's been very rude, regardless of her reasons. I'd suit yourselves from now on. Do what you what, where you want, when you want. And if mil wants to fit around you then I'd welcome her, but if not, her loss.

You are being too reasonable imo!

cushioncuddle · 12/11/2018 13:34

It sounds like her mental health is really impacting her life.
You have been incredibly understanding about it.
I think the best way is to just accept that her mental well-being doesn't allow visitors and it's pointless trying.
It's not personal as you mentioned that she finds all visitors difficult to cope with.
Could they pop to you SIL one evening so the day isn't disrupted.
I doubt it's because she's being awful it's just beyond her capabilities.

NoNewsisGood · 12/11/2018 13:37

I have only sympathy and understanding. My in-laws are like this. Moan they don't see the GC but it's always too much effort to actually do anything about it. But, it seems to be normal that as people get later in retirement they get more 'set in their ways' and like to keep the status quo I'm hearing as parents of friends are all similar ages. We still love to visit some older relatives who (at least outwardly!) love it when ever anyone randomly turns up to visit. Therefore, they get a lot of visitors! Grin with all the kids too. Mind you, they have one main room they sort of have visitors in and the rest of the house is unsaid as being out of bounds. Maybe that's how they've managed over the years. I think my grandparents had the same actually, back when houses had the front room and the back room - one that was kept nice in case someone important came to call and the other where we could play and eat and be excitable. I think that's a good strategy I may use when I'm older Grin

Original poster
LittleLionMansMummy · 12/11/2018 19:42

Thanks all, thought I was going a bit crazy there for a while!

Dh is going to speak to his sister to suggest something child friendly for either good or bad weather so we can plan our visit. We'll tell pil where we'll be and what time and leave it to them to decide if they join us. Fil has suggested a meal out somewhere in the evening, so again we'll suggest 6pm, somewhere near his sister's house. That won't be easy with a toddler either, but will take some toys/ crayons to try to keep her entertained. Just hope they don't expect her to sit still and not make any noise for 2 hours...

OP posts:
freshfoodpeople · 13/11/2018 01:03

I wouldn't waste my time and energy on anyone who made it clear they were't interested in my company, or that of my family.

Just visit SIL and forget the PIL.

SleepySofa · 13/11/2018 08:53

She's being awful, frankly. I'm quite houseproud and always cringed a bit when people's kids banged around my house, but once I had DS I got a lot more relaxed (about him damaging things and about friends' kids' sticky fingers and noise!). I can understand her being houseproud but not to the extent that she won't let her family visit.

Kittykat89 · 13/11/2018 09:45

I think your PIL are being horrible and inflexible. I'd make lovely plans with DH's sisters and tell PILs they can tag along if they want to otherwise you'll see them in summer.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/11/2018 09:48

That's such a shame they are missing out on their grandkids for the sake of a nice house. But their choice. If that's what they're like and they really can't cope with visitors, at all, then so be it, but it is then unfair of them to try and dictate all the activities outside their house on the visit to your sister - they are not involving themselves in the visit so can't have it both ways and then try and dictate what you do and where and when.

I'd do what others have suggested and plan everything for good / bad weather with sil and let them know your itinerary and say they are welcome to join for whatever they like

I also think you're being realistic and relaxed about the whole thing, some people on here would have had a massive falling out with them by now

Also not sure about the 'visit in summer so we can all go outside' - do they think it never rains in summer?

Hopefully it will get better as your youngest gets out the toddler stage. However given she has had kids herself, presumably she is getting worse as she gets older so may be unlikely

stealthbanana · 13/11/2018 10:10

My in-laws are like this OP. Just generally don’t like mess or noise but also hate eg going out to lunch with the grandkids as they are too distracting. We are having a big “family” celebration for FILs 80th in January and no kids are invited as it would be “too disruptive”. Like your MIL, mine gets very jealous of my parents’ relationship with our son, which is ironic as they live thousands of miles away but are much more hands on if/when they are here. MIL gets particularly anxious if my mother has my son overnight. To put it in context, we have never so much as left him with MIL for an hour whilst we pop to the shops as she won’t do it.

As you say, you have to just let it go - otherwise it is unbearable. I have moments when I find it really depressing and sad but you have to live your life and allow others to live theirs. I would just crack on with the visit to your SIL, extend the invitations to PIL and if they make it they make it. 🤷‍♀️

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 13/11/2018 10:12

Dh "....we'll pop over to yours on the Saturday for a cuppa and a catch up". Mil: "Oh you will, will you? We'll see about that."
Aka, MIL prefers to agree plans, rather than your DH dictate to her

Mil: "Well, I was thinking we'll go out somewhere instead"
Dh: " ..........if we go out, it will have to be a child friendly indoor activity......."
Aka, your DH dictates it has to be a soft play / trampoline park, without considering if this suits the adults

Tbh, I have a degree of sympathy for your PIL. I'd be interested to hear their side of this story

3luckystars · 13/11/2018 10:15

So just to be clear, they want you to travel to visit them but you are not welcome at her house. No I don't think that is ok at all.

I definitely wouldn't bother with them.

LittleBookofCalm · 13/11/2018 10:17

that sounds ok op. you make the plans,
you were going to visit them in their house? she doesnt want that, her loss. she sounds like she is anxious about that.
it might be dry weather for a walk round a park?
seems a child friendly idea that was suggested might not be to everybody's cup of tea.

Can they come over to the sisters house?
your dh is coming across as a bit difficult in the conversation. not wanting to be stuck in the house. Some people cope with being stuck in, board games for example?
and the visit doesnt have to be too long surely