AIBU or does MN reveal that a lot of women have really shitty partners?

[Blanchedupetitpois]

I honestly feel sorry for SO many posters on here who just have shitty partners.

There are horrible and distressing stories of domestic abuse, which are really awful. But there are also countless stories of men just being routinely selfish, inconsiderate bastards.

And the worst thing is, so many women seem to just accept that it’s what they have to put up with - men who don’t consider their feelings, don’t look after children fairly, don’t do their share of housework, say unkind things, make plans without ever considering their partners, refuse to compromise, always put themselves first, and are just consistently thoughtless, rude, selfish, lazy and unkind.

I know LTB is a cliche on here but I honestly think there is an epidemic of women accepting that they’ll never do better than these pathetic losers, and it’s so sad.

Thing is, people who are in happy relationships aren't likely to post about it. So threads here disproportionately feature people who are unhappy. Why would you bother posting about your kind, fair-minded, attractive husband whose company you enjoy, well, most of the time?

I always felt i could do posts that made dh sound impossible to live with and some that made him sound like an angel.

Tbh i think a lot of relationships are very hard going and a lot of women are very very hard to live with - read a few MIL threads. But in general im cetainly hoping as a widow that i never have to cohabit again.

I think as long as they keep posting or lurking, & we answer/listen/advise it strengthens the fact that it is not normal.

I didnt post on here when my Ex left me. It was traumatic. I was pregnant.

But, I read & read & read. I realised I was better without him. I held my held up high & never begged him to stay.

There are lots and it is heartbreaking, especially when DC are witnesses.

Lots of brave women have got out alive thanks to MN

Thing is, people who are in happy relationships aren't likely to post about it. So threads here disproportionately feature people who are unhappy.

I think this is certainly true. But i’m Also surprised by the number of posts where the OP will describe something hugely shitty and selfish that their partner has done and then say ‘AIBU to be annoyed’ when the answer should so clearly be ‘of course you bloody aren’t, he’s a shit’

@Snowscreen absolutely agree - I think it is essential to keep telling women that this stuff isn’t normal. I’m so glad you’re happier now

Diverticulitis advise is officially common, more than most people realise, even with the statistics of one in four, that's only the reported stuff.
You do however get a skewed sample on here for previously mentioned reasons, and you are only hearing one person's version of events, they have no real world connections with other MNs and some people like to feel justified in their own position and this is a good place to get that validation of you know the right details to include and to skim over

I used to think I was a bad apple because I always, without fail (!) picked the wrong 'un.

Using MN has made me see that either there's an army of us or there's an army of the aforementioned "consistently thoughtless, rude, selfish, lazy and unkind.(men)".

Using MN has taught me that it's a lot to do with social conditioning. We, as women are raised to not upset the apple-cart, be nice and put the feelings of others above our own.

I'm one of those happily single ones with absolutely no desire for a man again - but I am sure this is largely to do with the fact my biological clock is on the way out and so there's no hormones driving me!

Not sure where that came from! Should say domestic abuse...

I think also that ideas of what is shit differ.

One person thinks that a partner who doesn't help out is a selfish arse

But the husband/wife who is on maternity leave has an easy baby and who isn't an insomniac on medication who is a Neuro surgeon so needs sleep might well think that coming home from.a 17 hour shift and being expected to put kids to bed and Hoover the lounge is a bit much.

Obviously sone One who's violent, abusive , selfish, controlling etc is a shit partner

But I do think.people pick apart relationships a bit too much at times

Absolutely agree - women are socialised go smooth waters, be peace keepers, make amends - all the emotional heavy lifting in a relationship. And many men just accept this as their due, and never show any consideration at all.

Sometimes though people just come on to vent and their partner could probably write an equally damming one ( I don't mean in the domestic abuse ones) more in the he never does/I always do type things.

I for one rarely do the laundry and DH rarely cooks and reporting just one side means we can both be lazy arses

I read when I was having a bad time with y now exh and subsequent divorce.It helped to read that others could do it .I didn't post as I needed to keep a tight grip on myself at the time,I'm still not ready to tell anyone the worst of it all.

You aren't going to hear about the good ones, only the bad ones.

@MrsStrowman, I just want to thank you for making me feel better about my all-too-frequent DYAC moments- that was a doozy

@BitOfFun I don't think I've ever used the word diverticulitis before in my life 🤷 , glad it made you smile

Thing is, people who are in happy relationships aren't likely to post about it

This ^ and if someone does post a happy thread about their bloke they get called all sorts of smug and insensitive. You can't win really.

There are also plenty of threads where posters take limited information and confidently conclude the OPs relationship is shitty when it probably isn't.

I don’t post anything on here or on social media regarding my dh with whom I equally share every household task and the bringing up of our dc to our individual capabilities rather than any predefined gender role. Nor do I give him any congratulations. Because we are two human beings raising a family together, I expect nothing less. Feel sad for those that do, and even more depressing when I see posts congratulating a dh for doing the smallest household task.

There are a lot of women on MN who have shitty partners. But there are a whole heap more people, not on MN who have less than OK relationships. I really hate the "right listen up" post permanently at the top of relationships. A lot of what it says is correct, but I fundamentally disagree with "Most people have happy relationships". The divorce rate is almost 50%, so statistically almost 1/2 of people who get married have a relationship that is so unhappy that they end it. Add to that number the 1000's (many of whom post on MN) who are unhappy and don't end it and then add to that relationship breakdowns where they were never married in the first place (and the relationship breakdown rate is higher in non married couples). Over 1/2 the coupled population is either so unhappy that they uncouple OR stay together unhappily.
And because this is MN there will be an assumption that the 'partners' generally means men. I know a reasonable number of men with pretty shitty/controlling/demanding wives or female partners. It works both ways.

Thing is, people who are in happy relationships aren't likely to post about it. So threads here disproportionately feature people who are unhappy. Why would you bother posting about your kind, fair-minded, attractive husband whose company you enjoy, well, most of the time
This

It's like when people say 'oh it seeks every other child has SEND needs on MN'. They don't. It's just if you have an NT child in the top 60%ish range, no behaviour issues, works hard and does their best then you're probably not going to be posting about it. On the other hand if you have a child with a SEND need, have had a mix of good and rubbish teachers, are struggling yo get provision etc then you're going to post for advice.

Diverticulitis can also be an unsocial, inconvenient, unpleasant and often painful condition to live with, so not such a random autocorrect considering.....

The thing is, WE are the mothers of these (future) men.

We need to find where we are going wrong.

Mumsnet is a huge site people who are in a baf relationship might be drawn to threads about bad relationships so a lor of posters will be sharing there bad experience s , the many " many people who arnt in bad relationships wont post.

Yep ..,and it’s not that easy to just get out straight away

Yes I think MN does reveal this. There are some really shocking stories on here to the point when I see someone write "it's not the 1950s now you know" I think actually...it's just as bad now.

The absolute and utter crap that's put up with, the low level standard of unkind, lazy, abusive men that actually manage to get themselves a wife.

On the other hand Im mindful there are loads of women who DO have decent partners. Thankfully not all men are the same but again it's the dross men I read about that make me raise a brow and just think 'Yuk'.