AIBU to just not make a decision?

[hibouded]

I can't make a decision and I have to make a decision. But I can't.

DC to be almost 2 soon. On a career break as I went back when DC was 1, DC never seemed to settle at nursery and I was miserable seeing my baby upset every day. I decided to quit but bosses said they would hate to lose me (I am really not that great!!) and gave me a long break.

Everywhere I look and everyone I ask, I get a lot of

• your children are only little once, you can always work later
• it is important to have a balance
• you can't rely 100% financially on the dad
• you won't regret spending these years with them
• it is important to contribute to your pension and to remain in the workforce
• how can you be sure he will be ok in childcare?

So basically either I would be crazy to become a SAHP or I would be crazy not to become a SAHP.

Money-wise it won't make a difference as my earnings would be the same as childcare

As none of us "settled" with nursery I would have to hope this changes or look for a childminder as an alternative.

We have no family here.

I need to make a decision by January but if I chose to go back to work I fear DC would be unhappy at childcare and I would regret not spending time with my baby.

I like my job but I don't miss it and I have been off for almost 2 years now.

So basically... AIBU to think that this is an impossible decision and just bury my head in the sand? I just can't.

It’s a really difficult decision but my experience was that my DD settled well with a childminder and I’ve not regretted going back to work

If it doesn't massively impact on a Carreer progression that you want, I wouldn't go back.

I regret going back to work in a Bank when mine were little. I went on to study and that period of struggling to get to work, missing out etc made no difference to my future earnings.

Could you go back PT? That's my plan. I don't want to miss DD growing up, and I'm not sure I'd want to be at home FT, it also allows me to keep my current position in the workforce until I'm ready to work full time again.

Thank you
Ah! Apologies I really tried not to do the dreaded dripfeed!
@MaderiaCycle I would be going back 2 days a week

Then you should go back in my view. 2 days a week is not that much- that is really not missing out on your baby when you have 5 other days in the week with him. Child won’t be child forever- what will you do when school full time? Besides which child will benefit from time with other kids in whatever setting you choose. You will have options in 2/3 years, a bit more money in your pension and more self confidence. And much easier to go back to somewhere who want you and are happy to give you flexibility than step out all together. Honestly I think it’s a no brainer.

@kilburnfrenchie can you move in with me and make all the decisions for me?
I swear I was not like this pre- baby

What kilburn said.

It would be different if you were desperate to be a SAHM. And I have absolute admiration for those who want to do that and manage to make it work.

But if you genuinely can’t decide then surely keeping a hand in at work is the best decision. Surely

If you're not married then you have to go back to work, because unless you are independently wealthy, you have no security otherwise.
If you are married, then you do actually have the option of being a SAHP.
Does that help?

I plan on going back 2d/wk as well, OP.
Is there a reason you can't go back and try it for 3 months and then decide?

I stayed off work with mine until they went to reception class at school....I wouldnt have done it differently.Having said that I was lucky that my husband has a career and I have always just done unskilled jobs for pocket money,so financially it didnt make any difference to us,If I had have had a career maybe it might have been different but I enjoyed my time with the kids when they were little.I work now but again am very lucky as my job is in school hours so I can pick up and drop off and have every holiday with them.It is not an easy decision to make and I wish you the best figuring it out...In my mind I could get over the lack of money but I couldn't get my time back and that meant more to me...

I’ve been a SAHP for the last 6 years - from when I found out I was pregnant. This was because when my older children were born I had to work even though most of my money went on childcare. This time I stayed at home. I’m very glad I did, yes money has been tighter but I feel I’ve done the right thing. However I have had times where I’ve felt quite isolated and I am now trying to get back to work but don’t have much confidence as I’ve been out of the loop for 6 yrs. There are pros and cons and everyone is different with what they want from parenthood and from a career. I personally would say two days a week is actually a happy medium - you have 5 days at home and two at work. You keep your hand in with work/work contacts/ changes that happen etc. Two days at nursery or childminder will become more important the older your DS becomes as I think it helps prepare children for the socialising aspect of school and being away from you. If he doesn’t settle at school he won’t have a choice then it will be tough luck, so maybe the two days will let him know that he has to learn to settle - and he will in time, once he knows there’s no alternative! And 5 days a week is plenty to spend time and not miss out on your DS childhood. Sorry it’s so long!! Basically I think you should do 2 days at work - good luck!

@Sausagerollers married

@Rigamorph I already went back and stopped and I wouldn't want to mess a childminder about unless pretty sure

Thanks for the responses, I think I am leaning towards going back 2 days based on replies IF I find a childcare option that suits us but as a first time mum I get so worried about that!

I would 100% go back for two days a week. Allows you to keep a footing in your career and enough time with your child and plus its good your child socialises with other kids as that way when they eventually go to school they know how to make friends.

Go back op

As it's only two days, I'd go back. You'll be glad of the break!

Thanks @Unicornandbows
So unsure about being away from him. Is this normal?

The local nurseries around here take children as little as 1 day per week, and different days.
So long as you are planning to pay them its a financial arrangement, I wouldn't worry about upsetting them if you are really in a dilemma, they will understand.

If you go to play groups you'll see who the good childminders are and who aren't

2 days isn't that long and won't harm your child

It's always hard for the parents, but the huge majority of children settle well into nursery at 2 and the benefits to their social development are huge!

It’s only 2 days a week! You’d be mad not to go back. Looking after kids full time gets old really quickly!

I would go back to work, at 2 days a week you still get 5 full days with your DD and although you might not make anything by the time you’ve paid childcare you’ve got a lifetime there.

I was a SAHM I was the SAHM who thought my husband would never cheat we were so sickly happy and content and I was off for 5 years with my dd.
As it happened I ended up alone with DD, a ex husband who contributes nothing toward her and bills to pay. No one could believe we had split up because we seemed so content to everyone (including me!)

I was unbelievably lucky to get back into my professional field but I’m now bottom of the chain doing a job I could do with my eyes closed and earning 15k less a year than I was earning when I left.
I’m just working my way back up again now.

Now I’m in no way implying this will happen to you op, but when I found myself in that situation I vowed to myself I’d never let myself become fully financially dependent on another person again and I always tell people what a struggle it can be if you depend fully on another person for your finances and things do go sour.

Also my dd was difficult to settle at nursery she was just as bad at school so staying off with her for 4 years didn’t make the transition any easier for her. Some children just don’t settle for a long time.

I also found being a SAHM a bit isolating if I’m being honest and I could go an entire 12 hours without another adult conversation some days, sometimes for days in a row. It did knock my confidence when talking to people, since going back to work it’s also been a bit of a social life for me too which probably sounds pretty sad

I only work 2.5 days a week and I find it a loveky balance.

I work 3 days a week and whilst it was a bit of an adjustment it's worked out really well. DS adjusted to nursery and now absolutely loves it!

2 days a week at a job that you're fairly happy at, who are flexible and value you? Would be a no brainer for me, I think you've got to at least give it a go. If it doesn't work then you can always change things again

What is your notice period? Why don’t you go back as a trial and give it say 6 weeks to see how it is. If it isn’t working you can then quit.

Go back. It will benefit your DC as they reach the age where they like to mix with other DCs and will have more opportunities for different activities at nursery. Even if they dislike being left initially, stick with it.
And it will benefit you - keeps you a person in your own right, not 'just' DC's mum, and every day you are out of the workforce is another day that you miss out on later developments and current practice - you are de-skilling - and making it harder for you to go back in the future. Leave it too long and it could be a massive psychological hurdle for you to go back at all. Employers like this are rare - and worth hanging onto.