Christmas, pregnancy and in-laws

[TitusAndromedom]

I am pregnant, due on Christmas Day, and we have three year old twin boys as well. We spend every Christmas with my MIL, SIL and other members of DH’s family, always going to MIL’s house. I’m not British, so my parents are in my home country. As a result, it’s never been a point of discussion about whose family we will spend Christmas with. My DH also feels very strongly that his family should see our children regularly, at least once a week ideally. This has been difficult for me because it’s very different from how I grew up (my extended family weren’t local, so we only saw them once or twice a year), but I have tried to be accommodating and now just tend to let him take the boys while I have a couple of hours to myself.

Anyway, due to being pregnant this year, I suggested to my husband that we stay home on Christmas Day and have a quiet, relaxed meal just the four of us, and then invite his family to come for dessert, presents, visiting etc afterwards. I thought it would be a good compromise: I can be home where I’m relaxed and comfortable, but everyone in the family can still see each other. My DH seemed happy with the suggestion and presented it to his mum, who was fine with it. However, it turns out that he didn’t listen to me properly and thought I was suggesting that we have his mum, sister and uncle for the whole Christmas meal and basically all afternoon. He is now saying that is what he wants to do and doesn’t want to change the plans.

I know there will be some people who cooked a Christmas meal for twenty while 40 weeks pregnant with triplets, but that just isn’t what I want this year. I thought that I had found a good compromise that would keep everyone happy with a little less stress, but my DH seems to think this is unreasonable. He also says this will not go down well with his mum. I’m not asking for every year to change, just for this year to do things a little bit differently so there is less pressure on us (me) to organise a full, elaborate Christmas. I now feel quite hurt that he is unwilling to see this from my perspective and that he thinks neither he nor his mum would be happy to be accommodating just this once.

To avoid drip feeding, this kind of argument regarding his need to accommodate his mum and sister having unfettered access to our children is a common one. I had felt really grateful when I thought that he understood my desire for a compromise this year at Christmas, and am disappointed to discover that the only reason he was happy with the suggestion was that he didn’t actually listen to me properly.

At best he has been conditioned by his family to do this so you need to make it clear that this year with the circumstances it really should just be the 4/5 of you and no compromises and he needs to put his family (you and the kids first).

This reminds me of Mum telling me about her experience with me. I was her 4th pregnancy, something of a surprise. She was due with me on December 25. I was the third she'd had due on December 25. One came December 3, one came December 22, and I came December 17.

Christmas Day was ALWAYS at her MIL's, with her expected to join the other women doing all the prep, cooking, clearing up, childminding, regardless of personal circumstances.

The year I came was no exception. So she was 8 days post-partum, just out the home, wrangling three other kids - and in the kitchen, utterly exhausted, cooking Christmas sodding dinner, with all the trimmings.

Thankfully my uncle had more clues than my father, took one look at my mother when he arrived, and told him 'FGS, take your poor bloody wife home and put her to bed, what the hell were you THINKING?'

Moral of the story is, you have no idea where you'll be at in terms of having had the baby, physically and mentally where you will be at, where the baby will be at - all those things will be up in the air. Every pregnancy, birth, and outcome is unpredictable and totally unique.

They need to plan Christmas Day two ways - 1. that you may not be there at all, and 2. that you will be there, but not physically capable of participating in any of the preparation, cooking, and clearing.

This really is the only way everyone can be sure that Christmas Day will go as they want it to go.

It's not just a matter of making him do the cooking, it's him doing all the preliminary cleaning and tidying, all the shopping, all the table laying etc, all the clearing up, whilst looking after the twins. Put that to him and see how keen he is then.

I’m due DC3 at Christmas, and we’re hosting. I say ‘we’... DH is. I figured if I go into labour then there will be people around to look after DD’s 1 and 2, plus it means there are people around to play with the DC all day.
I’m not lifting a finger though.

Serve up DH for dinner.

Lewis, she’s about 30 minutes away. I know she would be happy to host, but I found it quite stressful getting everyone ready and out of the house on time last year, plus dealing with two very over-excited children through dinner and presents, and then getting them back home and to bed. It’s manageable under normal circumstances, and I won’t suggest any changes in the future, but I thought it would be easier this year if we could be at home so the boys can be occupied by their new toys, I can sit on my own sofa or go lie down in bed if I need to, and then have a couple of hours of casual socialising in the late afternoon.

He's joking right!!
What if your a couple of days early? Cooking a Christmas dinner with a newborn .

No you will be 40 weeks pregnant you decide what you want to do and if no one likes it tough .

You definitely need to consider what will happen if you go into labour. Yes, I imagine you'll be fine at home for a while before going in, but if your waters happened to go on Christmas morning it's a bit late to get a frozen joint ready for lunchtime!

My siblings and I were all late so everyone (including me!) was convinced I would be too, but my baby was born in the early morning on his due date!

It sounds like an alternative plan for lunch would be best. It's not easy to pull together a Christmas meal so I think having to change plans at the last minute would be awkward for everyone!

Sounds like your husband is just assuming you'll be fine as you always are! I hope he can see things from your point of view and that this is not just you being difficult.

Good luck!

Yes, Miscible, that’s kind of how I see it as well. He won’t finish work until Christmas Eve, so elaborate plans to prepare food, clean, etc will fall to me, really. I’m starting mat leave at the start of December so will have some time to get things wrapped and prepared, but as the one who works part time I do a lot to keep things ticking over, and I’m not sure when he thinks he’s going to fit it all in.

The thing is, there is no reason whatsoever why his wishes about this should trump yours.

You need to tell him straight. You will be having a simple Christmas at home. If your MIL wants to pop in for an hour or two, that's fine, but you are not shifting from your sofa unless it's to go and lie on your bed for a few hours in the afternoon.

Then see how nice he is.

If I were you, and the baby wasn’t here yet, I’d be feigning some labour pains right after the twins had opened their presents.

This is ridiculous. You might be in hospital, you could be in early labour and wanting to relax on your sofa, lie in the bath etc. You might even be recovering from childbirth or a CS.

I had a 5 day old a few xmases ago, no way could I have hosted. I spent most of the day resting on the sofa in my pyjamas with a sleeping baby, Xmas TV and food whilst DP cooked a lovely dinner and older DC played with their presents. You don't need the stress of worrying about the logistics of Xmas day in addition to all the other stress that comes with a new baby. If your DH can't put you first even when you are 40 weeks pregnant then it doesn't say much for him.

‘The thing is, there is no reason whatsoever why his wishes about this should trump yours.’

This is what I’m really struggling with Hollow. We talked about it last night and he said it wasn’t what he wanted and correcting the misunderstanding would be a difficult conversation and his mum wouldn’t be happy. So, then I felt guilty and I said we could talk about it more another time. But if I can’t express my wishes for Christmas Day when it’s also my due date, when can I? Why does the guilt I feel about him being unhappy and MIL being disappointed override my needs and wishes? I feel really cross at being out in this position where I’m having to apologise for suggesting a compromise.

I’m glad I’ve posted, actually, because last night’s conversation left me thinking that everyone would tell me to suck it up.

He won’t finish work until Christmas Eve, so elaborate plans to prepare food, clean, etc will fall to me, really.

So don't do it.

Honestly, I read threads like this and wonder what the fuck they are hoping to achieve here. Presumably you are the wife not the employee?

Tell him you said no, you meant it and if you hear another word about hosting his family on your due date, it will be last Christmas you host his family ever.

So he is saying outright that his feelings don't Trump your but his mother's feeling do trump yours

Why don’t you speak directly to MIL and let her know it’s too much?

You need to change your mindset about when the baby is due. Start talking about what you’re going to do to bring on labour. Bouncing on a gym ball whilst rubbing your nipples is effective btw. Ask him where he thinks it’s best to do this when his parents are there.

It is unfortunate that his mother will be unhappy, but they are both grown adults, and should be able to cope with that. No one gets everything they want all of the time. MIL is not exempt from that.

The conversation to correct the misunderstanding may be awkward and difficult, but that is no reason not to have it. He needs to prioritise his wife and children's wellbeing over his desire not to upset his mother and incur her displeasure. So he needs to have that conversation, and have it asap, to correct the error, sort out what is going to happen, and then everyone can start to plan Christmas without any misunderstandings muddying the water. It also means MIL has a chance to come to terms with the new reality, and get over any po-faced little sulk she wants to have.

Personally, I'd be stressing to DH, that he might want to stress to MIL that this Christmas in no way sets a precedent for future Christmases, however, this is a unique situation whereby we (you and he) are going to do X and Y, and they are welcome to do Z on Christmas Day, to ensure the wellbeing of mother and child.

I was due on the 28th. Went into labor lunch time on Christmas day.

We hosted Christmas as I didn't want to be away from home. But I asked MIL to cook. She was happy to do so (and good job too in the end!).

We only bought the food the day before as we really didn't know what would happen and we didn't want to return home with a newborn to a fridge full of Christmas dinner ingredients!!!!!

OP, the BEST thing you can do is allow the current planned arrangement to 'go ahead'. I say 'go ahead' because as it stands your DH already said he'd sort everything out.

As the day approaches you continue in your I'm caring for children already/preparing myself mentally, physically and emotionally for the birth of my next child - and that's all you do. You do NOTHING extra, NOTHING towards Xmas whatsoever that you hadn't already planned. You do NOTHING towards any Xmas Day, Boxing Day or any Xmas-related day.

As it gets near Xmas Eve of course your 'D'selfishH will start asking you oh what have you done about the joint, are we having the veggies I talked about and you just say 'Er, no, you said you'd do it all because, you know I'm about to/just had a baby?".

The very best thing that can happen is he crashes and burns and you can have a proper talk with him and tell him the needs of his mum do NOT come first, yours and his do which encompasses your children and he should be ashamed of himself that he has behaved in such an appalling way and kowtowed to his mum when you are about to be having another child and what he should be doing is protecting you, not exposing you to work and exhaustion.

He sounds utterly shameful, selfish, blinkered, and a bit stupid (sorry). When you grow up and have a family that should come first.

You have actually hit the nail on the head OP - if at this time when you're talking about activities around the time you're about to have a baby and that isn't enough of a significant event that your needs come first, then there is a real, real big problem.

I had this when I was married, repeated many times - my needs never came first except it was his needs not his mother's. I divorced him.

Have you actually said to him that you’re not happy with the current plans. Have you asked him if his mums happiness is more important than his pregnant wife? Point out that this could have a huge effect on how you see him going forwards. Be as blunt as he thinks his mum will be. Stand up for yourself now. Let him see you upset. Just because something has always been done a certain way doesn’t mean it always has to be that way

When my kids are older I’d like them to come home for Christmas because they want to, now out of a sense of duty or because they have to.

Tell him

I will not be shopping prepping or cooking or cleaning up Christmas dinner
I do not want to have people here until late afternoon at most

You are free to do whatever else you want but I won't be joining you or making it easy for you

Update: I’ve just had a text from him. He is about to leave his mum’s house with the boys and apparently Christmas is all sorted. They’ll pop over for an hour after dinner. I hope no one feels too upset and there isn’t any resentment, but I’m really glad that he’s reconsidered his feelings. Thanks for all your support and advice. I really needed reassurance on this one.

Unbelievable. You stick to your guns. Years ago, my mother, who was due on Christmas Day, had her mum over offering to do all of the work! No-one expected her to do it all and nether should they expect you to.