Christmas, pregnancy and in-laws

[TitusAndromedom]

I am pregnant, due on Christmas Day, and we have three year old twin boys as well. We spend every Christmas with my MIL, SIL and other members of DH’s family, always going to MIL’s house. I’m not British, so my parents are in my home country. As a result, it’s never been a point of discussion about whose family we will spend Christmas with. My DH also feels very strongly that his family should see our children regularly, at least once a week ideally. This has been difficult for me because it’s very different from how I grew up (my extended family weren’t local, so we only saw them once or twice a year), but I have tried to be accommodating and now just tend to let him take the boys while I have a couple of hours to myself.

Anyway, due to being pregnant this year, I suggested to my husband that we stay home on Christmas Day and have a quiet, relaxed meal just the four of us, and then invite his family to come for dessert, presents, visiting etc afterwards. I thought it would be a good compromise: I can be home where I’m relaxed and comfortable, but everyone in the family can still see each other. My DH seemed happy with the suggestion and presented it to his mum, who was fine with it. However, it turns out that he didn’t listen to me properly and thought I was suggesting that we have his mum, sister and uncle for the whole Christmas meal and basically all afternoon. He is now saying that is what he wants to do and doesn’t want to change the plans.

I know there will be some people who cooked a Christmas meal for twenty while 40 weeks pregnant with triplets, but that just isn’t what I want this year. I thought that I had found a good compromise that would keep everyone happy with a little less stress, but my DH seems to think this is unreasonable. He also says this will not go down well with his mum. I’m not asking for every year to change, just for this year to do things a little bit differently so there is less pressure on us (me) to organise a full, elaborate Christmas. I now feel quite hurt that he is unwilling to see this from my perspective and that he thinks neither he nor his mum would be happy to be accommodating just this once.

To avoid drip feeding, this kind of argument regarding his need to accommodate his mum and sister having unfettered access to our children is a common one. I had felt really grateful when I thought that he understood my desire for a compromise this year at Christmas, and am disappointed to discover that the only reason he was happy with the suggestion was that he didn’t actually listen to me properly.

Tell him that the only way this will be happening is if he personally does all buying cooking and hosting, as you will be ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH and will therefore have your feet up.

You will be doing 0% of the prep, cooking or clean up.

You are going to need to tell your mil and sil that is not on at all, and stuck to your guns. Tell them ASAP, and do it yourself so there is no miscommunication

If you have a good relationship with your MIL could you not ask what their plan B is and suggest that perhaps DH hasn't considered what will happen if you're in hospital. I'm presuming the twins will stay with family when you're giving birth so they'll be busy enough as will you. I think your DH needs to consider how life will change with 3 kids. Also if he's away a lot it may pay to build a good relationship with his family so that you can offer visits on your terms and them down when it doesn't suit.

Who is having the twins when you are in labour?
Having the in-laws at yours might actually work.
They all do everything. You lounge around and relax. If you go into labour you and dh go leaving the in-laws to cook and look after the twins.

Just a thought but if you are in hospital giving birth or have just given birth will his parents be looking after the twins? It might be useful to have them on hand?

Are his parents going to be your childcare while you’re in labour? If that’s the case I would be leaning towards accomadating them on the understanding not to expect anything lavish. That way at least you know your twins Christmas will carry on relatively undisturbed if you are bang on time.

You should absolutely be doing sweet FA on the day though.

A flurry of like-minded posters there

Mil and DH can cook at your house. Perfect.

But they need a back up plan in case you are in hospital

Bypass him.
Go straight to the mother in law and change the plans yourself! Tell her you maybe in labour, have a new born baby or be 40 weeks pregnant and exhausted.
But in any of those 3 options you would in no way want to host. Tell them now so they can’t complain it’s too late.

blackcat, MIL has said that she has a joint of meat available if plans change, but it was in a joking way. I’m not sure if they’ve really thought about it. We do need her to look after the boys when I’m in labour, but that’s something my husband has mentioned, not me. I’d prefer her to look after them here because we have a dog as well, but realise that beggars can’t be choosers. I know she prefers having them at her house (although not the dog). We need to work out the logistics sooner rather than later, I suppose.

We don’t have a bad relationship, but it isn’t a very close one, either. She always asks to see the boys when my husband is away, but it’s usually in the sense that she will look after them without me, and that’s not always very convenient. I appreciate that my feelings might change when the new baby arrives. He’s rarely away for more than two weeks at a time, so she never goes longer than that without seeing the children.

A joke surely?

I think you need to make various plans for all possibilities...

Plan A - (you are still pregnant and not in labour) you have lunch at yours just the 4 of you and family can come visit in afternoon for cake, nibbles and presents

Plan B - (you’ve had the baby). What ever you’d prefer. I think I’d go for your normal Christmas. Family can cook the meal and entertain your other two. You can sit, eat and look after baby.

Plan C - (you are in labour) your children go to relatives and you go to hospital with partner.

Of course the actual plan for each scenario is up to you & your partner. But you get the idea. Good luck, hope you have an amazing Christmas and smooth birth.

For all the people saying it could be good to have them here if I go into labour, isn’t it likely that I’d still be at home for a while before being ready to go to hospital? I thought that I’d likely have a fair few hours at home, in which case I would definitely not want them there, especially DH’s uncle who wouldn’t know where to look!

He is being ridiculous.

Statistically a second baby is more likely to come before your due date than after so there’s a good chance that you will be either in hospital or home with a newborn on Christmas Day.

I would not be making any plans for Christmas Day other than getting some easy cook food in and making sure everything is ready for the new baby!

I'm open-mouthed with shock at this.

Is your MIL the sort who would come round with all the food, cook a lovely dinner, leave you all the leftovers and then go back home? If not, then it's just a ridiculous idea.

Your husband sounds very bossy and a complete idiot, too. Why does he think you would want to do this? He's putting his mother first and it's time you came first.

On what planet do your dh's family live. Babies comevwhen they are ready. I had the first at 36.5 (on Christmas Day as it happens), the 2nd at 27 weeks and the 3rd with the help of maternal semtex at 41.5.

Surely plans need to be fluid. Your MIL does Xmas. Your family spends some or all of it with them if possible and if you feel up to it. Your DH takes your twins to them if you are too tired, they visit you for an hour min, 2 max if the baby is here - bringing food to you.

How can there be a firm plan at all?

I've been in similar situations while preggers or with a new baby. We have a large family and we always have had the biggest entertaining space/kitchen in family and in the past I have loved hosting and cooking etc - but in this situ I laid down the rule that I am happy to "host" but they will need to sort out the food, cleaning up etc. You'll be about to pop. Just flat out refuse to do the full hosting thing - hubby and his family can sort it. You'll be potentially about to give birth, your body could do with rest leading up to it.

The fact that your twins were late, doesn't mean that this one will also be late. Each pregnancy is different. It's entirely possible that you'll be either in hospital or back home with a new baby by then. Tell your husband that if he wants to be the host for Christmas, he is very welcome to cook everything while his mother minds the children. You'll be resting !

My first came at 38 weeks and my 2nd at 41. There's no rhyme or reason to these things. I think your DH and MIL are behaving insanely and your DH is being incredibly selfish and unsupportive, too. You're heavily pregnant, and he wants you to host a large family Christmas on your due date? Are you his walking incubator and built in housekeeper, or his wife? His lack of concern for you is, frankly, disgusting and I'm cross on your behalf.

hollow, I don’t think she is, really. She wouldn’t be happy cooking if she wasn’t in her own kitchen. Part of my frustration when the boys were born was that she and SIL would come round to see them, but with no practical offers of help. They never brought food or volunteered to do any cleaning or even make us cups of tea. They came to hold the babies and my husband would offer them hot drinks. He is close to his mum, but there is a level of formality and expectation that is very different to how I grew up. There’s a lot of talk about ‘doing your duty’ to visit relatives and whatnot.

My first was late and induced, my second arrived without any warning signs at 38+0 and I barely made it to the hospital. So I would say it can certainly be a possibility that baby does not arrive exactly on the due date. Most of them don't.

Oh, goodness, OP.

I think you need to have a conversation with your DH and / or MIL.

Discuss contingency arrangements: if you go into labour:They will all need to go to MILs. You may be labouring at home for ages before going into hospital, breathing quietly in peace, or leaning forwards on the stairs or facing the back of the sofa, and you need privacy.

If baby has been born less than a week in advance: they will need to go to MILs.

What are they ALL thinking? Christmas Day is your due day!

He’s a genuinely wonderful husband and father

Keep telling yourself that. But you're in denial. No "wonderful husband" would expect their partner to do this.

YANBU

Second labours tend to be faster so you may only have a few hours before needing to go to hospital. There is also a chance that your waters could break or blood pressure goes up etc so you will need to be in hospital before being in established labour. You need to tell DH and MIL that you won’t be hosting Christmas dinner.

Tell DH that your health and well-being, as well as that of your baby, are the priority over his mother. If he can’t see this then he really isn’t a good husband or father.

You can’t make plans to host Xmas. You might be in labour. Or you might have given birth and still be in hospital. Your baby might be ill. You might be ill. You might have had an emergency c-section. You might be on the operating table on Xmas Day. So many “mights”! And DH won’t be able to cook dinner either because whatever happens he’ll be with you. It’s no good other people relying on you!

Does MIL live far away? I’d have thought the best option would be for her to host and you can turn up if circumstances allow? (and obviously you wouldn’t lift a finger)