To feel obligated to speak to my mother?

[Sundaymornings9]

It's one of those days where you think back to your childhood, and realise how crap and sad it was.

I grew up in abusive home, no love or affection given as a child. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive, I was made to feel I wasn't good enough, always quick to point out I was too fat, shouldn't eat this and that, shouldn't do this and that. This started from early age, we're talking from 5 years old and up, everyday.

As a result I have no self-esteem as an adult, and I'm in the process of leaving my 2nd abusive partner.

I haven't spoken or seen my dad in 10 years, and I don't want to either. I speak to my mum once a week or fortnight, but to be honest I don't want to. I just feel like I'm obliged to speak to her because she's my mother.

We might have the odd laugh on the phone, but 9 out of 10 times she pisses me off with her comments. I never relied on her emotionally in my life, and never wen needed her so if I never spoke to her again, it wouldn't bother me. In fact it would be a relief.

It's just sad to go through life without ever getting a cuddle or a "I love you" from the one person who should be there for you. She makes me feel uncomfortable and I have a lot of resentment towards her.

Does anyone here feel obligated to speak to their mother but don't want to?

I could have written your post word for word! I was the same with my dad, he passed away years ago now. Like you, I speak to my mum but out of obligation only. She never cares about how I am or what’s happening in my life. I don’t know why I bother! She is not in the least bit supportive and speaking to her often makes me feel worse if I’m going through something at the time. I keep asking myself why I don’t just go full on NC with her. I think I would feel better if I did. But it somehow feels “wrong”. I’m sorry I don’t know what the answer is, but you are definitely not alone in this.

It's hard isn't it? Sometimes I think about how I would feel if my daughter felt the same way about me, but then I think I wouldn't treat her the way my mum treated me. I've always longed for my mother's affection and love as a child. I saw how close my friends and their mothers were, and I wanted that with my mum.

I feel no sympathy for my mother, she could have been a nurturing mum but she chose not to. It would just be easier if she was dead tbh, I feel horrible saying that but that's just how I feel. What do I get out of this relationship? Nothing, just fake chit chat.

I have three children, and always make sure they feel loved. Always make sure I tell them how much I love them, read goodnight stories for them, kiss and hug them everyday. Tell them how proud I am of them, and they can talk to me about anything. That's all I wanted from my mother.

My mother treated me similarly.

She also continued to cause problems for me in adulthood so I stopped contact.

Nearly six years now and I haven’t looked back. I owe her nothing.

My kids are hugged, loved, told they’re loved, listened to and cherished.

I had a fucking excellent lesson on how not to mother.

I had a fucking excellent lesson on how not to mother.

This. In the beginning it was hard, because I never got it as a child so didn't know how to do it.

Definitely not alone. And also consider NC regularly but somehow doesn't seem right...

yes! I have an alarm on my phone to make the duty phone call, I never phone because I want to, it'll be her ranting for 25 minutes making nasty bitchy comments and picking faults with my relatives, her neighbours, and other nice people who try to help her.

I can't do anything right either and if I'm not wrong she shows no interest or empathy.

At least I have a cordless phone so I can get on with some cleaning or ironing while she bitches away!

I felt the same way but I never stopped contact. She is gone now. After she died I talked to her sister ( who I'd never met because she lived in Canada). It turned out that their mother was abusive and that my mother had taken the brunt of it, being the eldest and blamed for everything. Her mother used to lock her in a cupboard all day and night for punishment. Thinking about that , a little girl locked up in the dark, I stopped hating her . Maybe she just did what she could, with the cards she'd been dealt.

Sometimes we have to give people the benefit of the doubt. If my mother gave me anything it was the knowledge of "how not to behave with your children". I drew a line in the sand and I have brought my children up with love and affection . Maybe that was Mum's gift to me.

I am just about to start my second bout of counselling to help me through another episode of my parents abuse.

I went no contact a few years back and allowed them to work their way back in to my life, i never learn as I need more help to remove their abuse from my life again

The problem this time, my children love them and enjoy their time with them
I am hoping that there is a way to manage it, but I am not entirely sure how

Mine has a difficult and cruel childhood and she is bitter angry and not a very nice person I tried no contact but was left with so much guilt & it isn't how i want to live

So now I have strong boundaries - reduced contact and am happier for it

I am going through the exact same thing and totally understand. I still speak to my mum but she was never loving and has always been cold, critical, judgemental and unforgiving. I would recommend reading some stuff on google by peg Streep unloved daughters it’s quite insightful and she has techniques on recovering from such mothers.
Like your mum, mine was abusive and as a child would lock me in my room or lock me out the kitchen leaving dry bread.

She try’s to recognise and change things but it always ends up the same with critical comments and dismissive behaviour. She doesn’t call me I have to call her. I think I will always be the same child desperately seeking her approval but I don’t think il get it. I’m seriously considering cutting her out, as she has created real trust issues and mental health challenges for me.

Where does the sense of obligation come from? Her or you?

@Floatyboat both. She calls me all the time, and most times I don't pick up because I'm not "ready " to talk to her, it's like I have to prepare myself mentally before calling her. If I don't call her for 2 weeks , she will moan about it. So that's why I feel like I have to call her.

And we were abused as children, but we don't go on to abuse others. I've never really understood how people who were abused as children go on to abuse their own children, and others don't?

I've always known I had a bad childhood, but it wasn't until my second relationship failed that I started to put 2 and 2 together, and realised my failed relationships has somehow something to do with my childhood and why I always go for abusive men.

It is really interesting about that Sunday, my mum had an amazing childhood my grandparents are incredible and gave her the love and attention any child would crave and need.

She turned out to be a horrific human being. My dad (step dad) had a horrid relationship with his dad and also turned out to be a horrible person

I think it is all about character and how your personality is formed

My mother also had a great childhood. Grumpy but loving dad, and a mother that adored her. My grandma also adored me, and I think that’s what my mother’s problem has been all my life. She’s now rewritten history since my grandma died, airbrushing out all the terrible things she did to her and said about her. She was forever trying to drive a wedge between me and my grandma. Ultimately it didn’t work.

@luckydiamond

This is what has caused the latest torrent of abuse I have received from my parents.
The fact that I went to spend the day with my grandparents

@DewDropsonKittens my grandmother is also very caring and affectionate. She used to hug and kiss me as a child, I only have good memories. My mother have no excuse, she is who she is and that's it. We can only learn from them, and give our children the childhood we never had.

It also amazes how much respect and admiration she expects from me, because she's my mother and "raised" me. You reap what you sow IMO.

Did any of you move out as soon as you could? That's how I got into my first abusive relationship, I wanted out.

I am so please you made this thread Sunday, as it feels so lonely sometimes when people say "just cut them off" it's not as easy as that when you crave for something that has never existed

My "Dad" says things like 'your mums your mum treat her with respect'
I am expected to ignore the shit she constantly pulls

She hates to see me happy, because it reminds her of how miserable she is
The stuff she has pulled over the years, is actually quite scary

Was your dad also abusive>

Why cut him out & not your mum?

@sundaymornings9

I moved out at 17, i had not long passed my driving test and my Grandad had brought me my first car

My parents went on Holiday it was the first time they ever had left me home alone, i had it meticulously planned out
Moved in to a friend's house which was used as a party house.
Fell in to drink, drinks and dodgy relationships

Spent several years completely destroying myself with older men that were in hindsight abusing me, i had a miscarriage at 19 which sent me spiralling into a bigger depression

I met my now husband, who completely changed my life. We have been together 10 years with 2 children.
I work in child protection now.

When a child speaks I listen. I am the adult in the lives of children who I never had to hear the desperation of abuse.

@diddl I have cut both of them out.

He sends messages to me

I did exactly that. Left at 16, pregnant to an abusive man by 17, he nearly killed me during the pregnancy. It was a long time ago now and I got away from him in the end but it was tough. The one good thing I learnt from her is how NOT to be a mum. My two DC are grown up now and we have an incredible bond. They are my world, and we are so close. They don’t think much of their grandma tbh and I don’t blame them at all. My mum was also raised by loving parents. They lived abroad so I used to spend summer holidays with them as a kid so I know how kind and loving they were. My uncle (mums brother) is the nicest, kindest man you could meet so I have no idea what went wrong with my mum. If she was even a tenth of how nice my uncle is, my life would have been so much better. But like your mum, she is what she is. She isn’t going to change now. At one time she made all the right noises about changing but didn’t follow through on any of it. I just keep reminding myself that she is the one who has lost out. She will never have the closeness with her children that I have with mine.

Yep, didn't go to uni and moved out young to get some distance.