to think my DD is autistic?

[3littlechicks]

While talking to a friend a couple of days ago she was going on about her autistic nephew and how he doesn't make eye contact and that is always an indicator of autism in children. It made me think of my DD who is 11 turning 12 in January. I have three children, 10, 11 and 12.

DD2 almost always made eye contact as a toddler but now she's nearly 12 I've just noticed she doesn't make eye contact at all, and if it looks like she is, she's just looking past your head completely or at your mouth. When I think back to when she was younger I've noticed she showed signs of autism from a young age, for example:

She was a very, very quiet baby and when we'd go and check on her she'd be sitting in her cot silently and staring at nothing. She didn't speak for 6 months in nursery despite being a very confident and playful toddler, and she always wet herself at nursery as well. I know that's normal but she was the only one in nursery that did it and it never happened at home.

She also hated wearing knickers and socks. She'd cry about it and have a full blown tantrum because she loathed the feeling of both. We finally found her a pair she liked wearing just two years ago and we buy seamless socks. It was obviously a sensory issue. One night when she was around 7 the kids had custard with pulp in. She cried because although liking oranges and orange juice with pulp, she hated the feeling of the pulp in the custard. In school she was always daydreaming and fidgeting on the carpet and when the teachers called upon her they realised she was still listening and taking in the information. They eventually gave her a fiddle toy and made her sit at the front. She preferred playing by herself as well with her dollhouse (she still does) but occasionally with her sister. She is mostly on ROBLOX now with my laptop. For Christmas she has asked for toys when her 12 year old sister and 10 year old brother have both asked for "grown-up" things. My DP said this was her last toy year and she sobbed.

There are some more examples but I don't want to make this too long. My DP says that she doesn't have autism and I'm just trying to stick a label on her and that with time in secondary school she will grow up and be normal and that she's just stuck in the stage between little girl and teenager.

I do think she may have Asperger's but DP is adamant she doesn't have anything.

If you're concerned I suggest that you go to your GP and ask for a referral to the community paediatrician. Then talk through your concerns with them. The other service you could contact would be the SENCO at your DD's school. In my local authority the other service I would recommend talking to would be the educational psychology service, but I'm not sure if all local authorities offer this. Worth a Google - worst you can do is phone and ask and they say no.

Hope this helps.

Obviously I am not qualified to assess and no one can assess over the Internet but I have worked with lots of young people with autism. It does not scream autism to me.

Lots of those things including the sensory issues when young are a normal for many, many children but autism is massively undiagnosed in girls. If you are concerned then I would ask to speak to School SENCO on the phone to explain the issue and then ask for a meeting in person to dicuss it. It is also worth going to your GP for your DD but by yourself and discussing your concerns. If you are worried then it is best to do something so if she does have issues then she can access support.

Go to the GP with your DD and talk it over.

ExDP doesn’t think there’s anything wrong our DD - CAHMS disagreed and have sent us for an urgent paeds referral for ASD.

She sounds very similar to my daughter. I had my concerns from when she was 5 or so and sought help. She is now 10 and about a year ago she started to say that she wanted to die. It has taken a year of assessments for them to realise it’s not depression, it’s autism and she has been finding it hard to cope. Please get to the GP. It’s a long road, but they are much better now at recognising it and autistic children need support to be comfortable and secure and to achieve.

Don't be too ready to label your child. Do ask for some professional advice if you're worried.

Regarding the eye contact, you can actually talk to your daughter and tell her it is good manners to look people straight in the eye when talking to them. It could just be she is shy, she's only young still.

I really wouldn't worry about her still wanting toys! That's totally normal and lovely that she still values them over grown up stuff.

But as for the other bits, no one on the internet can say. It's definitely worth a trip to the GP. Some of what you've said I know I did as a child and I'm neurotypical. But some of those things my autistic sister did. Autism is girls is so easily missed especially in girls who are higher functioning.

Please push the point and get her assessed. It sounds like life is hard for her so even if it isn't ASD someone else might help with the issues she has.

As someone mentioned upthread ASD is underdiagnosed in girls and it often presents differently in girls as well as being less common (or girls just better at masking) it's only you as her parents who can help her.

If you are at all concerned then I would seek help now -secondary school can be incredibly traumatic for young people on the autistic spectrum, particularly those that are undiagnosed and therefore unsupported

Girls on the spectrum can be amazing mimics and mask their social difficulties but over time they become more obvious and in secondary the difference between themselves and their peers can be insurmountable

It's not unheard of for girls to be diagnosed around 14 following a mental breakdown, it's important to get any concerns that you might have as a parent checked out, you know her best

Make an appointment by yourself with you gp to discuss and have a really good think back to what she was like when she was younger

-you say she plays with a dolls house, what does this play look like? Is she arranging things and retelling a script or does the script change every time she uses it?
-if someone moved the furniture whilst she was playing, how would she react?
-when playing with others was she a follower or a leader? Or did she always choose to play alone?
-did she have a particular toy or film that she liked for long periods and then suddenly she didn't like them anymore?

And on a tangent, telling an 11 yr old , that its their last toy year, is not nice. Its either controlling, or embarrassed that she's not behaving like the speaker thinks she should. Irrespective of anything else, what's the problem with her choosing what she wants when asked?

I'd agree with getting referred, always better to know if there is any issue, best if luck.

In agreement with PP that there's nothing that screams autism to me, but speak to your GP and see what they think. You can't put a label on your child, only medical professionals can do that.

Medical professionals don't label children -they diagnose them

They aren't items of clothing that need washing instructions attached

A diagnosis, if needed, can be helpful in accessing support but comments about labels can stop patents seeking help for their child

You lost me at telling her it’s the last year for toys. Wtf.

I teach and I echo pp who do not immediately recognise autism in what you describe. I would suggest talking to her teacher first of all as, whilst not medically trained of course, s/he will have experience of teaching many dc who were on the spectrum. Then the next step would be your GP. If you are concerned, ignore your dh. IME it is almost always the fathers who want to avoid a label, as if doing so makes the condition go away.

sorry teachers are not experts on autism & sadly nor are many gps - as stated previously girls present differently & less obviously (which is echoed in many mental disorders) - not all people with autism have issues with eye gaze & not all people who difficulties with eye gaze are autistic. Don't force her to do this - for some people its uncomfortable or distracting to look in peoples yes whilst talking - take careful note of her behaviour over a week - particularly with her socialization, her immaturity, any repetition etc & check with teachers & others who come in contact with her, what is the nature of her friendship with her peers?

I would say they’re just idiosyncrasies, not autism.

agree with gloomy in that many fathers don't want to see problems

Rachel a diagnoses of ASD is NOT a label.

It's a diagnoses.

Very damaging to perpetuate the idea that it's a bad label when a diagnoses gets people the help they need and are entitled to.

Agree about the no toys though...wtf! OP she is a CHILD and can have toys. As for your ten year old asking for "grown up things'

What the fuck? That's not normal..

I’d not tell a child it was their last year for toys. Can you reassure her this isn’t the case? Poor thing

Sounds like sensory issues but Idk about masking, you could look into it some more

I think it is worth getting her seen if you are worried.

I was not diagnosed until recently in my mid thirties. Life has been hard and at times dangerous due to me now knowing what was wrong with me and not having appropriate strategies in place to cope.

She may or may not be autistic. If she is it is, in my view, better to know sooner. Rather than forcing "neurotypicalness" on her... good way to develop serious mental health problems that. Please don't pressure her to make eye contact with people. That's really horrible and unfair. Even if it's just a quirk and not a "symptom" of autism.

A lot of the traits that you describe can be found in both neurotypical and autistic girls.

I teach and I echo pp who do not immediately recognise autism in what you describe. I would suggest talking to her teacher first of all as, whilst not medically trained of course, s/he will have experience of teaching many dc who were on the spectrum.

I'm a teacher in a mainstream primary school and a few years ago I could have written this post. But now I would say that talking to the teacher might not be particularly helpful. The class teacher will probably have had some training and experience, but it's most likely to have been with boys whose traits jump out at an observer..

As some others have said, girls can present very differently from boys, often mask their difficulties and are massively underdiagnosed. It's quite likely that if your daughter is on the spectrum then she will mimic the behaviour of other girls at school and could slip under the radar.

It's only since I've started reading about autism in women via the internet and some really helpful books by women with autism that I've understood more about it. I'm currently in the process of getting a diagnosis for myself and despite my previous training and experience, I didn't recognise it and see my GP until I was in my 50s!

I'd start by doing some reading and then thinking more about your daughter. If what you read seems to fit your daughter then share your ideas with her and ask if she'd like to visit the gp with you. If you phrase it positively (eg there's nothing wrong with her, but you think that her brain works differently from other people and somebody might be able to help her understand herself and make things easier for her) she may welcome it.

And your dp is BVVVVVVVVU and a complete twat for telling her that this Christmas is her last Christmas for toys.

with time in secondary school she will grow up and be normal

Ah, I hate this. I believe that my daughter is on the autistic spectrum, but getting assessed is not always as straightforward as posts on here would have you believe! Since we realised this was why she struggled so much (age 4), we have implemented strategies for children with autism, and things have been much easier. I hate it when my father in law comments that she is much 'better' now (she is 7) - she isn't better, there was never anything wrong, we are just better at recognising her needs. Secondary school scares me, so I will keep pushing for assessment, because I want to make sure she has access to the things she needs - it sounds like your daughter's school is making adjustments (fiddle toys etc), but there is no guarantee that this will continue. You are concerned, and I think that is enough of a reason to push for assessment.

The link below is a list of things to watch for in pre-school girls, but I find so much of it still applies to my ASD DD12, diagnosed age 9.
taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/06/22/first-signs-of-asperger-syndrome-in-young-girls-pre-school/

Undiagnosed autistic teenager girls are at hugely increased risk for anxiety, depression, self harm and eating disorders - the risk is significantly reduced with diagnosis. 'Early' diagnosis (by current standards for girls!) for our DD has been incredibly helpful. She is very proud of her autistic identity - it has helped her to understand and accept herself, instead of feeling odd and socially inadequate, and she is now thriving in mainstream secondary school.

If you are concerned, write everything down under the headings of communication (anything unusual - doesn't have to be delayed, my DD sounded like an Enid Blyton novel), interaction, imagination and sensory issues. Take it with you to the GP and ask for a referral.

(Also, please do not put any pressure on your DD to make eye contact if she finds it tricky - it can be almost painful if you are autistic. We didn't realise that DD's eye contact was poor, because it was fine with us, but rubbish with strangers...)

@crocsaretoocoolforschool yes my post was badly worded, of course medical professionals don't label but they do diagnose. Having said that my son has a disability that he is very much encouraged to treat as a defining feature of himself which is supposed to be supportive but pisses me off no end. But it isn't autism so that's neither here nor there.

Thank you for all the replies.

Believe me, I had a go at DP for telling her that about her last year for toys. He did apologise to her. My 10 year old isn't actually asking for "grown up" things. It's things like deodorant, Xbox giftcards and virtual money, clothes - things you'd expect a teenager to ask for and not a not long gone 10 year old.

She also rocks when watching telly but DP tells her to stop because it's distracting. She repeatedly watches a certain Tinkerbell movie but she's always going in obsessive phases for a few months/weeks then stops so I didn't think anything of it until now

My family also has a history of mental illness. My brother is schizophrenic and I did have a cousin with ASD but I never saw her as a child so I didn't know the symptoms until I started researching a few days ago.

I will definitely take her to the GP just to be sure. I really don't want to shrug this off and pass it by.