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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DS to have more consideration for us?

44 replies

Comfybug · 10/11/2018 23:05

DS is 18 and passed his driving test around 6 months ago so still a relatively new driver. Naturally he’s finding his feet and enjoying the independence a car brings but this has lead to a disagreement between us this evening.

He works 2 jobs, a day time apprenticeship and a few shifts in a restaurant in the evenings. This job often finishes late so invariably I’m laying awake waiting for him to come home. Tonight he’s been out with friends all evening and came back in at 10pm. Great, I thought, I can go to bed, lock up and relax knowing he’s in and not driving around all night with a load of boys in the car. Then he announces he’s going back out at 11pm! To socialise and pick a few lads up and park up and chat.

I’m not happy about this as I really wanted to be able to go to bed. It all descended then into him complaining that he’s an adult and he can do whatever he likes and come and go as he pleases as he pays us keep so that gives him freedom to do whatever he likes.

For context he earns around 1k a month and pays us £80 a month for everything. I told him that perhaps he needed to find his own place to live for that sort of money where he could come and go as he pleased with no regard for anyone else. He then said it was disgusting that we were charging anything at all as all his friends didn’t pay anything for keep as their parents we decent and we’re supporting them through their education!!

So, who is being unreasonable? Me? Maybe I am having trouble relaxing at the thought of him being a new driver and being out and about with car fulls late at night but the keep discussion has really annoyed me.

Any views?

OP posts:
PavlovaFaith · 10/11/2018 23:07

He's BU complaining about paying towards the house. He's earning so he needs to be contributing. £1000 a month at 18 is incredibly good.

YABVU about the rest though. Leave him be!

BruceAndNosh · 10/11/2018 23:09

There is no reason why you can't go to bed.
You are just choosing not to

Ploppymoodypants · 10/11/2018 23:12

Unfortunately he is right about the car. I completely understand your anxiety, but really he is 18, it’s his car and his money. He doesn’t owe you an explanation of where he is going or what time he is home. When I was his age in same situation I had an agreement with my mum that I would always call if I wasn’t going to be coming home that night (Pre mobile phones!!!). I would regularly call her from a call box, reverse charge calls at 3am to say I was on way home or staying out. It really forged trust between us and saved my mum worrying All night/next morning.

I think out of courtesy he should tell you if he is going out and if he plans to stay over. But at thy age you go where the night takes you with less fixed plans. Could you not have an agreement that he sends a courtesy text if he isn’t coming home that night? Once he knows?

In regards to rent. Well if he is in education I wouldn’t charge rent. But if not and earning well (£1k for an 18 year old isn’t bad) then maybe he should.
Try taking him food shopping so he sees how much food alone costs. His £80 doesn’t even cover what he eats let alone contribute to anything else.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/11/2018 23:12

Why on earth are you lying awake waiting for him to come home? What is that achieving? If he were away at university you'd have no idea where he was.

And you really expect an 18 to be home and tucked up in bed at 10pm on a Saturday night?

YABU. He's right. He's an adult has he can go out when he likes.

anniehm · 10/11/2018 23:13

How much you charge is up to you - we didn't charge our dd as she only made £800-1000 but we insisted she saved 2/3 (she save far more). He is bu to complain about rent however you are bu about him going out. I hate it when dd isn't back when I go to bed but I accept she's an adult and trust her to make good decisions.

Chouetted · 10/11/2018 23:14

Why can't you go to bed? Does he not have a key?

TheEighthMrsSK · 10/11/2018 23:15

YABU, sorry. He’s an adult, let him get on with it. Absolutely no reason why you can’t go to bed if you want to. I wouldn’t charge him keep either, however nominal the amount. Not while he’s an apprentice. But that’s just my opinion.

Original poster
Comfybug · 10/11/2018 23:18

Yes he has a key of course. It’s simply the thought of having a policeman knock the door to say he’s been in a car accident or something. As ridiculous as it sounds it seems that every week there’s a story on the news of an accident involving a car full of 17 and 18 year olds.
I know I’m being ridiculous I just don’t know how to stop worrying.

OP posts:
zeeboo · 10/11/2018 23:20

I think YABU I'm afraid. He is a grown man, he does pay a nominal rent which is great and he should be allowed to come and go as he pleases. He isn't responsible for your worrying and not sleeping. My lad is the same age and comes and goes entirely as he pleases and all I ask is that he always locks the back door behind him when he's come in from having a fag in the garden. We don't ask him to pay rent.

Isadora2007 · 10/11/2018 23:20

YABU but not about charging him money- charge him more but keep some back for savings for a deposit or something for him.
But let him go and enjoy the sleep- you worrying isn’t going to change anything anyway.

Ragwort · 10/11/2018 23:20

I sympathise, our DS has just passed his test and it is worrying when they are out and about as new drivers. I don’t actively wait up for my DS but I don’t sleep easily until I hear him get home safely. Blush However I know I have to let him get on with his life now.

But on the rent question your DS should really be paying a more realistic amount towards board & lodging, even if you don’t ‘need’ the money you could save it for him (without letting him know), for a future house deposit.

PerpetualStudent · 10/11/2018 23:21

Chirst, I earned that on my 1st job in London and was paying £400 a month rent. If DS wants to live like a grown man, he needs to pay his way like one...

AnotherOriginalUsername · 10/11/2018 23:25

At 18 he could be serving his country in wars on the other side of the world. He could be at university at the other end of the country and you'd have no idea what he was up to. As it happens, he sounds like a sensible lad and you need to loosen the apron strings a little bit. If something untoward is going to happen, it's going to happen regardless of whether or not you've sat up getting wound up about what ifs.

Frlrlrubert · 10/11/2018 23:34

If the worst happened would you be any better off for having stayed up?
Don't put your anxiety/insomnia on his shoulders, my mother did that and it was awful.

Charging more board would be fair - but you need to consider whether you want to make moving out an attractive prospect or not (I'm guessing his mates' parents that charge no board would rather their DC came home at 3am and not pay board than have than live elsewhere, where they'd never know if they were home or not).

JudasPrudy · 10/11/2018 23:36

YABU and carrying on like this will only result on pushing him away. He will move out then, and you'll never know where he is or what he is doing.

Jaxhog · 10/11/2018 23:37

He isn't a lodger, he's your DS whos making a rather small donation towards his keep. If he wants freedom, he either pays a market rent or moves out.

Your house - your rules.

AjasLipstick · 10/11/2018 23:41

I think you sound paranoid and fearful.

Why shouldn't he go out? He can't curtail his life because you're afraid!

Armchairanarchist · 10/11/2018 23:45

YABU. He's working hard and is eighteen. Why would you want him to leave home? DS pays the same and earns double but is saving to buy a house. I encourage his independence and giving him the freedom he wants means we're very close. If you carry on you'll alienate him.

LittleScottieDog · 10/11/2018 23:47

When I was 17 and going out until late in the car I'd always creep back in when I got home, often midnight or 1am.

It was only years later my mum told me she had always stayed awake until I came home. I felt so guilty she'd spent that year waiting up and I had no idea!

The difference is, she didn't make a big deal about it in front of me. She worried but she gave me my independence. And I was still at school and not earning or paying rent!

YABU to expect him to come home at 10pm and to make him feel like he doesn't have any freedom. Presumably you've chosen to charge him £80/month now he's an adult, so let him act like one.

Did you never go out and have late night chats in the car with your mates?!

Solderingiron · 10/11/2018 23:51

Just go to bed and leave him to it, I can imagine how annoying it is having your mother waiting up for you! I used to go out in my friends car driving, parking up, meeting lads. You being up won't change anything if something happened, I'm sorry to say.

Orlande · 10/11/2018 23:53

I'd charge him proper rent and accept he's an adult.

Allthewaves · 10/11/2018 23:56

He's 18 you can't dictate when he comes and goes or make him feel guilty. Go to bed, he's got a key.

The argument wasn't about money it was about you trying to stuck a curfew on an18 yr old

Blanchedupetitpois · 11/11/2018 00:01

I understand your worry but I think it’s something you need to find a solution to for yourself, rather than expecting him to never be out in the evenings. He isn’t doing anything wrong going out, and he shouldn’t be asked to stop.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/11/2018 00:02

Is it your car or his? If it's yours, you're well within your rights to say he can't use it. He can buy his own car.

madmum5811 · 11/11/2018 00:05

God at 18 I was coming in at 2am when I was at home. Go to bed, get some sleep. My mother did take half my wages off me though, you should take that a week, put it away for him.

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