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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DS to have more consideration for us?

44 replies

Comfybug · 10/11/2018 23:05

DS is 18 and passed his driving test around 6 months ago so still a relatively new driver. Naturally he’s finding his feet and enjoying the independence a car brings but this has lead to a disagreement between us this evening.

He works 2 jobs, a day time apprenticeship and a few shifts in a restaurant in the evenings. This job often finishes late so invariably I’m laying awake waiting for him to come home. Tonight he’s been out with friends all evening and came back in at 10pm. Great, I thought, I can go to bed, lock up and relax knowing he’s in and not driving around all night with a load of boys in the car. Then he announces he’s going back out at 11pm! To socialise and pick a few lads up and park up and chat.

I’m not happy about this as I really wanted to be able to go to bed. It all descended then into him complaining that he’s an adult and he can do whatever he likes and come and go as he pleases as he pays us keep so that gives him freedom to do whatever he likes.

For context he earns around 1k a month and pays us £80 a month for everything. I told him that perhaps he needed to find his own place to live for that sort of money where he could come and go as he pleased with no regard for anyone else. He then said it was disgusting that we were charging anything at all as all his friends didn’t pay anything for keep as their parents we decent and we’re supporting them through their education!!

So, who is being unreasonable? Me? Maybe I am having trouble relaxing at the thought of him being a new driver and being out and about with car fulls late at night but the keep discussion has really annoyed me.

Any views?

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 11/11/2018 00:06

My DS is 18 and doesn't drive. He does have mates that do and they "drive round" , I do worry TBH , our area is well known for what the press calls "Wacky Racers" (ie teenage /young adults being pricks driving round the one way system at speed)

Providing your DS doesn't drink and drive and none of his mates use drugs in his car let him get on with it.

We don't charge our DS anything (he's a University ) he doesn't work but is applying. If he gets a job we'll encourage him to save (which he does anyway) and use his money for his socialising .
We pay his travel, he has his room+food from us and clothes .

Maelstrop · 11/11/2018 00:23

Who bought the car and who pays the tax/insurance? Under 25s are charged a fortune for insurance. I'm betting he didn't pay for it.

He's still very young, parking up and chatting with mates is ridiculous. Why can't they chat during the day? It's going to look very dodgy, a bunch of lads parked up. I think if he's living with you and only paying £80 a month to live in the house, then he can damn well follow some rules.

Aridane · 11/11/2018 00:30

YABU

2ManyChoices · 11/11/2018 00:40

My son is 19, in an apprenticeship and earn roughly £900 a month, we don't charge him any board as he's in education and we support him in that, however, I set an 11pm curfew and he respects that, doesn't go out drinking or clubbing in fact I've only seen him drunk once or twice, BUT we have younger children and he knows that he would wake them coming in late so he's home by 11, I couldn't imagine myself in your position, so I guess my post was more to say that I sympathise!!

KathyBates · 11/11/2018 07:29

YABU- he's 18 and paying his way, give him his independence!
I wouldn't charge him more rent as he is in apprenticeship but I would expect him to be saving. If you do increase what you charge him make sure he knows it's being put to one side for him (if I had felt controlled as a teenager and was charged rent I would have probably moved out).

BitOutOfPractice · 11/11/2018 08:34

Do the people saying "pay market rent or get out"

  1. Actually do that with their own kids?
  2. Think op will stop waiting up for her ds because he's paying more?

I'm genuinely interested.

BloomsButtons · 11/11/2018 08:53

Is this the OP who wanted her 18 year old DS at home all the time and who was freaking out about his girlfriend?

Original poster
Comfybug · 11/11/2018 08:57

No! That’s not me, I’ve not posted about this before.

OP posts:
Doje · 11/11/2018 08:57

Your house, your rules.

Have a discussion with him and say to him the nights are too late and are affecting you. Come to a reasonable compromise eg. 11pm weeknights, 3am Friday / Saturday night (or stay out).

If he's not happy with that, he moves out.

BatFacedOK · 11/11/2018 09:02

Remember OP, a lot of posters commenting won't have 18 year old children so they're commenting as if it's some grand old age and they should be practically out the door permanently by now

I have a 20 year old at uni. When she's back I'd be annoyed if she chose to go back out driving aimlessly at 11pm - I'd say no. However I appreciate I couldn't stop it Grinshe's quite good though and respectful of others in the house generally

I'd be taking a lot more than £80 a month off him as he's not a student. I think 20 % of his take home is reasonable - it's got to pinch a little bit without being punitive I think

Original poster
Comfybug · 11/11/2018 09:05

In the cold light of day I do see that I was unreasonable so once he’s up this —afternoon— morning I think it’s time to sit down and discuss what he thinks is a reasonable time to come and go and to some sort of happy medium. I’m not sure I’m happy for him to be able to literally come and go at all hours of the night as both myself and my husband work long hours and need undisturbed sleep. DS has form for not locking doors after himself and leaving lights on / the dog and cat out of the kitchen etc so he needs to pull his socks up over that.

As for the ‘keep’ I’m slightly surprised that the consensus is that IABU to charge him £20 a week. That covers all his food, elec, gas, all his laundry is done for him, room cleaned etc and I pay his mobile phone bill. He buys his own clothes and food outside of the home. He also runs his car - we bought it and paid half of the insurance, he contributed the other half.

OP posts:
MorningsEleven · 11/11/2018 09:09

£20 a week is a paltry amount if he's earning £1k per month. He should be paying mire and showing a lot more consideration towards you.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 11/11/2018 09:17

YABU of course (he is a working adult and can go put at night), but I TOTALLY understand your fear of very young men driving around late at night, egging each other on to stupid driving. All you can do is show him the statistics and hope he gets it.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all to ask him for keep. Personally I would be asking for 200 a month and saving 100 for him (because everyone pisses money away at that age).

HSMMaCM · 11/11/2018 09:58

I would ask him to be considerate of you, the locks and the pets if he's out late.

The rent is more than fair and he shouldn't have any complaint about that.

My 19 year old is in her own house now and fully appreciates what she had at home.

Ragwort · 11/11/2018 10:50

You really need to charge him more than £20 a week, and let him take responsibility for his own mobile phone bill. By charging so little you aren’t teaching him just how much it costs to run a household. If you can do without his financial contributions then just quietly save it for him

AnotherOriginalUsername · 11/11/2018 11:42

*Do the people saying "pay market rent or get out"

  1. Actually do that with their own kids?
  2. Think op will stop waiting up for her ds because he's paying more?

I'm genuinely interested.*

My mum did. We were expected to pay half the rent and utilities once we were earning (I was working full time whilst also doing A-levels full time to afford this).

Result? I left home at 18, went to uni and never returned home again (not even for weekends/holidays). My older brother left home at 16 straight into full time work and renting his own flat (never returned home) and my younger sister also left at 16, lived with her boyfriend then went to uni from there (never returned home).

None of us have any contact with our mother for various reasons...

StripeyDeckchair · 11/11/2018 12:14

£20/week isn't rent it's a nominal contribution towards costs. In your shoes I'd increase it to £200-£250/month and make him pay his own mobile bill, clean his room, be clear about what meals he'll be in for, washing to go in designated area or it's not done.

By doing everything for him you are doing both yourself and him a disfavour.

UnknownStuntman · 11/11/2018 14:00

I was an 18yo lad once. The amount of hours we spent sitting I car parks talking was ridiculous. There's be two carfuls of us and we'd do it almost every night. It's pretty much a right of passage for young lads. Better them sitting talking bollocks to each other than driving around like idiots.

To the PP who said it looks dodgy. It doesn't at all. Assuming they were seen by a male member of the constabulary, it would look perfectly normal as he'd probably have been doing it at their age.

Bananasinpjs123 · 11/11/2018 14:04

So if you are telling him he should move out... why do you need to be awake for him?

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