Why do I punish him

[Whiskeyjar]

I already know IABU but any advice would be really appreciated

Backstory- I had two proper relationships before I met my husband. First lasted for around 7 years from when I was a teenager into early twenties. It was turbulent and there was a lot of wrong on both sides but the relationship was mostly him cheating on me, me taking him back and repeat until we eventually ended. Next relationship was about a year and I ended up pregnant with my daughter. He was emotionally abusive so once I fell pregnant he would tell me I was a loser, stupid, pathetic etc every day until I eventually left before my daughters first birthday. I stayed single for 6 years after that and established a career and build a life for my DD and I. Fast forward now and I have everything I've ever wanted in life. My husband is perfect and I don't say that lightly - he literally has every quality I had written down on my 'dream man' list when I was single. He is so kind, thoughtful and would do anything for me. We have a great relationship 99 percent of the time but the problem I have is that if we have any kind of disagreement I totally cut him off and don't want to speak to him for days. For example, we could argue over something mundane like him forgetting to take out the bin and he would snap back at me and instead of just accepting it's been a disagreement and him apologising as he always does, something in me just can't accept it, despite knowing it's not that big a deal. I then don't speak to him for days. After a few days I eventually snap out of it and normal life resumes and I'm full of guilty over my behaviour. I don't know why I do it, is like a total anger takes over and I just want to break up and never see him again, over things that are so stupid. This is killing him, he gets so hurt by it and I know it's hurting him but I still do it. It's like I'm making him miserable when he just doesn't deserve it and only wants to make me happy. I don't really know how to fix this but it's worrying me that it's going to slowly break him and I'll ruin the relationship

I used to be like that. It was learnt behaviour from my childhood as my DM and I had that kind of relationship. She was also quick to cut someone out of her life for any perceived wrongdoing. I wonder what your relationship with your DP was like growing up...

In my case, therapy helped greatly. I was with a wonderful psychoanalyst for years and we really delved into any childhood traumas. Really the person I was angry and frustrated with was DM but that frustration ended up being taken out on other people. Understanding all of that and being able to forgive her helped me change my ways. Could it be that you still have old wounds that haven't healed from your abusive relationship?

Therapy. Honestly it will really help you

This is my guess.

You have a belief about men that your husband's mistakes enforce for you. Instead of seeing them for what they are (simple mistakes) you see them as evidence for what some part of you believes to be true.

This belief no longer works for you. You intuit this, but don't know how or what to replace it with.

I definitely recommend therapy as it's a very damaging behaviour. Sulking/stonewalling is emotionally abusive. As for why? There could be various reasons. You might do it to gain or assert control, or because you don't feel capable of healthily expressing you feelings so use passive aggressive tactics to show your upset, or it's learned behaviour. The fact you feel remorse and want to change is good.

You know if a woman came on here and said her dh did that everyone would say they were emotionally abusive.
Which is pretty true in this situation it seems.
You don’t get you’re own way, you block him, then when he’s trod on enough eggshells you’re back to your usual happy self. Like nothing has happened.
I mean there are no words

Tell him you're sorry, you know you're in the wrong and you need to work on it.

@HouseOnTheLake

@MrsTommyBanks

Thanks for your replies. I was offered therapy as a teenager, I went for one session and never returned. The therapist wanted me to discuss things and I realised I couldn't so she gave me a leaflet on PTSD and told me she could help once I was ready to talk )This was following a sexual assault when I was 15) but I never went back. I felt that I just felt so much better over time and eventually just became normal and happy again. 17!years on and I still wouldn't be able to sit down and talk about those things, although It doesn't bother me at all anymore and I rarely even think about it. If therapy is the only way to save this then I would maybe be able to do something online so it's not face to face. I sound like I have a lot of problems but I genuinely have a really happy normal life and never feel depressed or anything, the only problem is this weird mood thing I get but it does worry me so much

It’s not a weired mood thing
It’s abusive towards your DH

You will lose this good man in your life if you continue to behave in an abusive way towards him.

Sort yourself out. Get therapy. Talk to him about it, that would be a great first step, then look together at therapy for you.

Is there a 'Freedom programme' for men? It might help him!

You could go to therapy and not talk about what happened at 15.

@Holdingonbarely

It makes me feel sick thinking this is what I am doing, this is why I am looking for advice. I'm not unaware of how bad it is, I know this and i want to fix it. It's not something that I do for a laugh or I think 'he's doing my head I'm so I'm going to block him out' because if that was the case I wouldn't be posting this. I get overwhelmed by anger and just want to shut myself away from him, I just don't want to speak to him and in my mind I just feel that I want to run away and not be in a relationship ever again despite this all being caused by him snapping at me over something trivial. Of course I know this is horrible

I understand your concerns about therapy. Actually, before I did psychotherapy I had CBT via Skype which wasn't actually helpful for me because I needed to understand how my past had made me that way. But my point is that online therapy does exist.

Btw, if you've had the courage to say all this to a bunch of strangers online, I'm sure that in time you could start opening up to a patient therapist. Maybe the one you tried went much too fast for you.

Stonewalling is described as a silent killer of relationships so although your relationship is otherwise good, it's definitely worth getting the help now before you wear down your DH to the point where he can't take anymore. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for him. You realise your behaviour is damaging which is a great start but it won't get better on its own.

@Windycindy yeh that's a valid point. I guess I always thought they would want to go through all the traumatic stuff in order for it to work but maybe Im over thinking it. I don't think that's related to any of this

Whiskeyjar I totally understand. I'm 50 now and started therapy in January. It's really hard.
I still haven't even disclosed the stuff I know, deep down,has caused the destruction of all my relationships. But i am on the way there.
On the surface I had a happy, stable, sorted life. It was, in reality a very thin veneer.
Do therapy, for yourself, don't let your past trauma choke the life you could have

Trauma.

It seems quite clear that him snapping at you is reactivating your past traumas, and you're therefore finding it difficult to react to it as something distinct from them. Your brain is identifying it as a threat based on past experience, telling you how to respond to protect yourself, and probably also reactivating all those old emotions from when you were being abused which will be making it harder for you to intervene and overrule it with the logic you've been able to write here.

Not all trauma therapy involves digging through the trauma - talking through it purely to relive it can be damaging rather than helpful. Cognitive trauma therapy, for example, helps you change the behaviours and ways of thinking that are causing problems - like the issue you've described.

The compassionate mind approach might be another one for you to investigate.

I wonder also whether you did the Freedom Programme yourself? I think tackling your trauma responses is by far the more significant priority, but it strikes me that purpose it would help you to reinforce to yourself that having arguments and receiving sincere apologies is part of a healthy relationship rather than an abusive one. FP covers what healthy relationships look like, and highlights the differences from abuse. You may find having that knowledge will help you to talk yourself down when your brain responds to him as if he's replicating the abuse from your past. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I hope you're able to find a way forward. You have been through such a lot. Take care.

*perhaps not purpose

Thank you so much all your advice. I'm so glad I posted this, my hands are shaking as I have been reading all the replies. I am going to look into therapy, face to face. I do want to change this more than anything so it's just something I'm going to need to do

Why call it a weird mood thing then
Have you ever spoken to your dh about this

And the point about abuse is that it’s about control.
You’re controlling the situation so it’s about your needs.
I agree you need face to face therapy on your own.

Agree, abusive and I believe you should have enough self control as an adult to stop this. You don't speak to him for days?! I feel very sorry for the guy and your dd. Maybe therapy is the answer, but you need to do something, because your behaviour is horrible.

Recognising it is a good first step.

But... I think you are in denial about your own control over this. You talk about it as a 'weird mood thing' and like it just comes over you and you have no choice. That's how abusers talk.

You do have a choice. You can stop this. And you need to take ownership of it and commit to NEVER do that to him again because it's abusive and he doesn't deserve to be in an abusive relationship.

@Holdingonbarely Yeah we have spoken about it every time it happens as after wards I tell him how sorry I am and that I don't know why it happens and that it's my fucked up head and never his fault. I try to explain it as I have on here but I can't actually offer the reason why. I feel guilt very easily, over things most people wouldn't bother about so when I'm actually doing something horrible that hurts someone I love then it actually makes me feel ill. I can't imagine how horrible it must feel for him. I hate thinking of him feeling down and it's caused by me

Holdingonbarely, I really don't think you need to kick OP when she's down. She already knows her behaviour is wrong hence coming on here asking for advice. I feel that kindness would be much more helpful in this case.

I don't want to be presumptuous but maybe this is triggering for you having been on the receiving end. In which case hopefully you can understand how past traumas can make us behave in unkind ways when it's not our intention.

It is good that you have decided to go for therapy. Find one through the bacp or UKCP websites so that you know they are properly qualified.
To get the most benefit it is important to click on a personal level with your therapist, so in some ways it can be a bit like online dating. Have a look at the profiles of therapists near you, chose a few that you instinctively like the sound/ feel of. Call them, have a chat. It is fine to have a session, or even a few sessions, and if it isn't working try someone else.
When therapy works it can be so useful and powerful, but if it is the wrong person it won't work.
So often, as you describe, people have a couple of sessions, get nothing from it and decide that therapy is rubbish / not for them. But actually a little bit of trial and error, find the right person who works in a way that suits you, and it can be transformative.